《Nobody's Way》Chapter 19 - What's Decided For Us
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The water, cold and slightly cloudy, lapped at the shore. It seemed more active than it had been the night before, thanks to the strong winds, to Jian's dismay. She sighed and sat down to remove her outer boots—they would dry out, should they be submerged, but not in a hurry. Still, the flasks needed to be filled, and none of them knew for sure where the next fresh water source would be.
She didn't relish the thought of getting her feet wet for it, though. Just the idea of stepping into the lake gave her chills and brought her back to her vision from the night before.
Yugen had pulled her from the water. Yugen would save her life.
Jian still stood at the shoreline, thinking about it, when she heard movement in the trees. Hardly quiet, and seemingly uncoordinated in its gait, she knew without turning around that it could be no animal. When she angled her gaze at the space in the wood where a clumsy human broke through, the sight of Quinn took her by surprise. For one with a body that implied daily physical training, he seemed uncharacteristically flat-footed.
She could tell from the look on his face that he was equally taken aback to see her standing there. He covered his mouth with one hand, a surprisingly feminine gesture. "Oh! Jian! Here to pick up some water, are you? Will you make tea again?"
Jian resisted the urge to be annoyed—travelling with the two men had been anything but fun so far, and she resented the familiar way Quinn tried to act with her. Betrothed or not, they didn't know each other. Nor did she trust him now any more than she had a few nights ago. His possessiveness annoyed and even frightened her a little.
She wished she'd woken Madrigal before going down there after all.
"Yes," she said, because he was still looking at her expectantly. "I thought we should have something hot to drink before we set out. And Madrigal always likes to have the water flasks filled before we leave camp."
Even as the words left her mouth, Jian couldn't fathom why she was saying them. She didn't need any more bad blood between the other two, or for Quinn to accuse Madrigal of forcing Jian to live by his rules. She could well imagine the long-haired man's sneer as he'd lift his chin and insist, When you're my life partner, you won't be fetching water for him, or brewing tea for him, that much is certain!
A shadow seemed to cross Quinn's face, stormy and difficult to read. She noticed fresh red scratches on his bare arms and wondered what he'd been doing out in the wood. Before she could ask, though, the moment passed, and he took another few steps forward until they stood side-by-side.
"Here, let me," he said, putting his hand out for the flasks.
"I'm fine," Jian replied. She didn't enjoy the idea of owing him anything, even if she didn't want to step into the water, either. "I don't need your help."
Quinn stood there for a beat or two, his open hand waiting, chin lifted in that imperious way she disliked so much. Jian wondered if he'd insist.
Then he took his hand back just a fraction. "Why not?"
"Because I've done this a thousand times. I've fetched water for my mother's dyes another thousand times more. Even if we're going to be partners someday, I don't want you acting like..."
Like what? Jian wasn't sure. Acting like you own me. As if everything was already decided.
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A rush of emotions seemed to flash across his face, and Jian averted her eyes when she saw she'd hurt him, even without finishing her thought. She turned away.
"I think I've erred," he said after a long pause. When Jian didn't respond, he pressed on. "I think we haven't started out quite the way I imagined, and that's my fault. I was...surprised...when I arrived at your village, and found you'd left with him. I didn't expect such a thing. I thought you wouldn't be comfortable in the company of a man."
"You don't know me," Jian said. Her voice cracked.
"But I do. I thought you would understand."
"You know some future version of me that you saw in a dream." She curled her hands into fists. "And I didn't see you. You can't expect me to accept it so suddenly, even if Maere showed it to you."
"Maybe not, but I still can't understand how this all happened! You didn't see him, either. You didn't have a vision of Madrigal."
"You can't be certain of that."
"Oh, I can. I am absolutely certain."
Jian's stomach roiled and she stepped back. She'd been betrayed. "My relationship with the Creator is private. Whoever told you about my Pathfinding, should never have said anything!"
Quinn sucked in a quick breath, obviously regretting his words. "No, of course not. I'm sorry, that was inappropriate."
"I don't care what you saw on your Path, or when it'll happen, or how," Jian spat. "I would never ask such a thing of an outsider. Of someone I just met."
"Of course. I'm sorry, truly."
She stared him full in the face, even though he kept his eyes on the ground. His hand was over his mouth again. Some of this man's bravado had been false, Jian realized with a start. Quinn wasn't just obtuse; his body language was that of a person who'd been a follower all his life, rather than a leader. The way his shoulders rounded when he was confronted; the way he covered his expression, as if he were nervous for anyone to see his emotions as they happened. He wanted, Jian understood suddenly, to win her favour. He wanted to be liked by her.
Her vexation faded. So, for all the airs he put on, Quinn was vulnerable after all. It helped her to know he was as out of his element as she was. "It's fine. Let's forget about it. And as you say, someday, we'll know each other. But right now you're a stranger. You're more a stranger to me than, than he is."
She'd truly meant Yugen, but of course, Quinn could only assume Jian was still talking about Madrigal. He shook his head. "You're right, of course. It's your choice who you keep company with. It's only that I didn't expect this. It was a shock."
Now Jian couldn't help feeling torn at his obvious dismay, even though some indignation still simmered in her. He'd uprooted his life and walked across the northlands to meet her, after all; a girl who was supposed to be the one. Now here she was telling him there was another, better one out there for her. Even when Maere's vision did come to pass, Quinn would always know Jian's attention had been elsewhere first. "I'm sorry, too," she mumbled. "I just need time. I'm not used to this yet."
"Me, either."
For a few moments, neither of them spoke. Jian tried to take all the things she wanted to say and crush them down into a tiny ball inside herself. What good would it do to tell him about Yugen, or her Pathfinding, when he wasn't any part of them? How would both Quinn's vision and her own ever come to pass without some terrible loss ending one Path or the other? If Maere's guidance was as good as Her reputation, Jian would eventually spend the rest of her life with this man.
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Or she might not. Perhaps Quinn would experience his Moment before Jian did. And if that was so, could she afford to feel too strongly for him, knowing something terrible lay in his future?
She picked up a stone and threw it into the rippling water. It skipped twice, then disappeared from view in the cool blue water. "All we can do is wait and see. Follow the," she swallowed a lump in her throat, "the Creator's plan."
"Is that what you think?"
"Isn't that what you think?"
"Even if I want that to happen, this isn't at all how I imagined this would turn out," he said hoarsely.
"Well, what do you expect me to do? If you saw a vision of me, then it is going to happen, right?"
Quinn drew himself up, squared his shoulders. "Right, but even if that's so, I'm not happy if it's unwelcome news to you. I don't want you to feel...forced."
"I'm not," Jian insisted. "I'm not one of those girls who think the Goddess dictates their whole life and they just follow along without any say. She guides us, helps us to see the possibilities, but it's up to us to make the choices that will lead to those outcomes. That's what I believe."
She did still believe it, didn't she?
Only a handful of days ago, Jian would have defended Maere's influence to the last. She'd believed the Creator's hand would guide her to the Path she'd find the most happiness. But the uncertainties that had brewed in Jian since leaving Aspen were more than tiny black spots in the back of her mind, now—they were roiling clouds, threatening to spill out of her; consume everyone and everything around her. How could Maere taunt her with visions of Yugen night after night, and then direct Quinn onto her Path, too? Hadn't Pathfinding been touted as the surefire way to avoid conflict and heartbreak?
When she'd defended it so fiercely to Madrigal, Jian had been so certain it was true.
"But does my being here influence your choices?" he asked.
"How can it not?"
"I suppose you're right." He frowned deeply. "Then I shouldn't have come."
Now Jian was surprised. What man, after being shown a partner Path, wouldn't immediately rush to the side of the woman he saw in his future? "You don't need to say that. I would have done it, in your position."
"That may be, but don't you think I care about what you want?"
Jian was oddly touched. "I suppose so. Maybe in another future, we could have met long after I returned from Homeland. But now we have met, and like it or not, this is the road we're going down. We can't take it back now."
"But what if I changed a future that would have been better for you?" Quinn's face was pained. "You're right, I don't like him, but maybe you needed Madrigal, and this journey. Maybe I interfered and changed everything."
The people of Brill must have a very different outlook on their relationships with Maere, Jian decided. No Elsinooran would utter such a thing. "Even if you did, it's all right. You took charge of your own fate, after all."
"And changed yours along with it."
"Yet the Moment of Clarity will still happen." Jian hoped Quinn couldn't see her apprehension. She would have to live out every moment, from every vision, someday. Not just the fall into the river, and the horrific injury that would come with it, but the terrifying deep darkness, the icy cold. Her jumbled up dreams would finally make sense, but Jian hardly relished the idea of going through them in the waking world.
"It could be a long way off, though." His expression seemed far away. "I don't anticipate my Moment coming anytime soon. If I'd known all this would happen, I wouldn't have come to meet you. Not yet."
She wasn't sure what to say. Quinn seemed so much more vulnerable than he had in Aspen. Something had taken the bravado out of him.
"We'll have to find our way," she said. He was here now, no matter how they might have preferred things happening differently. "We don't have a choice."
"Didn't you just say you believed we make our own choices?"
She had, but if Maere asked her to choose between Quinn and Yugen, Jian couldn't deny which of them she had feelings for, and which of the two was still a stranger. Not knowing when she would meet Yugen couldn't stop the emotions that tore through her dreams. "I want to," she said softly.
"Then forget about what I've said. Do as your heart tells you. I'll be happier knowing you chose for yourself."
She couldn't help wondering if he only spoke so knowing they would eventually be partners, or because he didn't want her to resent him in the end. Still, it helped, even if there was a possibility it was only the illusion of choice. "Do you mean that? You truly want me to forget about your Pathfinding?"
"If it's meant to happen, between us, it's going to happen, right? Eventually."
"So then, I may act as I wish, with whomsoever I wish? Even if you don't agree with my choices?"
"Even if I don't like them, I promise, I will respect your wishes. If you feel so strongly for Madrigal, I won't stop you." He looked pained even as he said it. Jian wondered if Brill culture was so very different from her own, that it would take such effort for him. In Elsinoor, betrothed men often lay with other women right up until the night of the joining ceremony, hoping to bless the unpartnered with children of their own. Betrothed women sometimes lay with other men as well, knowing it would be their last time being intimate with anyone but their partner.
Jian had never expected to have a man in her life, much less two to choose from. No wonder Maere held back on revealing her Path until the very last moment!
"Thank you for that," she said, with fresh respect for Quinn. "As you said—someday you'll see the future Maere showed you."
"That's right. We don't need to rush anything, so let's just start over again. Take all of this one day at a time."
"Agreed."
He stood up straighter, lifted his chin and smiled. The confident man who'd sat at their table in Aspen was back. "Now then, it's my pleasure to meet you, Jian of Elsinoor. I hope I can be of some help on your long journey."
"Thank you. It's my pleasure as well." Jian smiled back, a little more shyly than she had the first time. She couldn't help hoping this would finally put the party more at ease. She didn't mind letting Quinn believe there was something between her and Madrigal, if it kept him from pushing her.
He put out his hand once more. "Would you like me to fill the flasks?"
She hesitated, torn between standing by her earlier refusal or supporting their fledgling truce. Jian truly didn't want to touch that water, even for a second.
"I've already been in the lake today," he said gently. "It doesn't bother me. Please let me help with this."
Jian nodded. She pressed the flask into his hand.
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