Kevin POV:

Ok. So uhm… yeah. Basically, shit didn’t go down the way I expected it to go. Now hear me out; just listen. In my defense, I expected some kind of reaction from the good pe-- No, from the shitty people of this city. I was getting kidnapped in broad daylight, for Pete’s sake. It wasn’t like some kind of discreet operation, where they use alleyways and shadows to move around and whatnot. No, these girls had the audacity to walk the busy streets without a care in the fucking world. I know, I know. I could easily escape if I ever felt like it, but even then! How dare they?! How dare they walk around like that?! And how come no one stepped up to question these girls? I mean, look at me! I was young, I was helpless, and most importantly I was adorable! Was it a normal thing for children to get kidnapped? If so, why wasn’t I given a bunch of secret guards to protect me?! The people in this world were just too weird.

Now, I know what you’d be thinking. A: Why are you complaining? B: Wasn’t this whole thing your idea? C: Who are you rambling to? To answer those questions. A: I’m bored and I have nothing better to do. B: Yes, and it was an amazing idea. It would have been even better had it not been in the city of assholes. And finally C:… Who the fuck was I rambling to? Honestly, I had zero clues. I just randomly feel the urge to ramble from time to time. Weird, no? Besides, boredom was natural in my given situation? There was nothing to enjoy!

First, the view was awful. Horrendously awful. Who could enjoy it with that bushy-ass tail in the way? Second, I smelled like shit. I mean sure, Tenacious S and an empty stomach were the only reasons I didn’t feel like hurling, but they did nothing to get rid of that smell. Third, it bore me to death. The only reason I stayed put was because I was pretending to be asleep. I don’t know about most people, but I took my acting seriously. Ain’t nobody gonna catch me slipping. And fourthly, if that’s even a word that exists, this fucking mage wouldn’t get off m--

“Hypercast: Sleep!”

You have resisted the ‘Sleep’ spell.

Well, I’ll be damned. I didn’t have to explain why she was a pain in the ass. She proved it. Sweet! The blue box. Seeing it once or twice, it’s cool. Seeing five to ten times was a bit of a dick move, but still okay. More than that and we got a fucking problem. The temptation to take the mutt’s sword and cut her tongue off. Was it extreme? Yeah, but even then it was still there. And I was 100% sure I could pull it off.

“Marge, stop wasting mana.” I heard a frustrated sigh coming from the mage. Listen to your captain and leave me alone!

“But captain, I’m still getting notifications saying he’s resisting.” She whined like the fucking bitch she was. Why was she so hellbent on torturing me? What did I do?

“Oh, please.” The captain placed a finger underneath my chin. I closed my eyes before she lifted it to find my drooling and blissful face. Woman, I’m asleep. “He seems pretty knocked out to me.” Perfect. She let my face drop. I had to stop it before it could smack into the mutts leather armor. Again, thank god for this fucking hat. I probably wouldn’t have lasted this long if I had to keep my eyes closed the entire way.

“And even if he was awake, and that a very big ‘if’. There’s no way in Terra he slips past this hold.” The mutt tightened her arms to prove a point. Hohoho, she thought too little of me. Good. Keep thinking like that. There’s no way in hell I could ever escape your grasp.

Despite that, what the fuck? How was there still no reaction?! I was getting kidnapped in broad daylight. And these kidnappers were walking around in public. It’s not like I was in some kind of bag or some shit. No, I was on the mutt’s fucking shoulder, for Pete’s sake. And listen to their fucking conversation. These girls weren’t even trying to be discreet! Why were they not stepping up? What the hell were they doing? I know they’re there, I could hear all their fu--

“Wow, hiding in plain sight. Not bad.” Okay, maybe I spoke too soon. A bit too soon. Someone finally stepped up. And it was just in time because ranting could only ever take me so far. Please, give me some entertainment. “Probably would have worked too, had it not been so obvious that the guild was the only place you could go.” Was he smirking? He had to be smirking. Definitely.

“Get out of our way Thom, before I break you.” Damn woman! Why you so aggressive? Calm down, sheesh.

“You know, I had a feeling that this would happen. That the three of you would get greedy and selfishly hoard the bounty for yourselves.” The man sounded completely unfazed after receiving such a threat. Respect. “Which was why I shadowed you.” Wait. If you were following them, then why the fuck did it take you so long to come out? Also, the mutt probably shook her head because my tummy felt some vibrations. Or was it just my stomach rumbling? “Now, I’m a kind soul. And I’ll give you this one chance to hand over the boy. Who knows, I might even be kind enou--” Oh no! He was giving us some needed exposition. Why did he stop? “What are you doing? You know I can see you, right? Lower your staff.”

“Immobilize!” Wait, was that a new spell? Are you telling me that the mage, that fucking mage over there, knew a spell that wasn’t ‘sleep’? Impossible.

“Mentomancy spells won’t work on me. You know that, right?” I heard a tsk escape from the mage. Kinda sad that the only other spell she knew was useless. Did that mean that this Thom guy had the Tenacious skill too? Oh my god, did I just find someone I could forward my meals to? “I drank all my elixirs today.” Elixirs? Ugh, never mind. False alarm. This guy was a fake. “Now, hand over the boy. Who knows, I might be benevolent enough to give you a generous donation.” I heard the mutt gag. Did the fake throw her a wink or something? I mean, why else would she be the one to gag specifically?

By the way, was it not weird that there was still no reaction from the everyday joe walking around these parts? Like literally, what more did they need? Like god damn, step in already and do something! These motherfuckers ain’t even trying to be discreet. Listen to their choice of words. I was obviously getting kidnapped. What’s wrong with these people? Where was the compassion, the drive to protect cute kids? Heartless bastards.

“Alright then.” I heard a gasp escape from all three girls. Did something happen? What did the fake do? “You’ve made your choice.” Oh my god, it sucks to be out of the loop.

“Hypercast: Barrier!”

Holy shit! I felt that tremor. What the fuck was that? My curiosity peaked and I wanted to peep so baaaad, but I couldn’t. My pride would never let me abandon my part. It sucks.

“Denise.”

“Got it, captain.” I had a bad feeling about this. I don’t how, but it was kinda like… uh… like when you know shit’s about to go down. Yeah, it was that feeling.

The mutt took off in a sudden sprint, leaving behind a tra-- MY HAT! I stretched out my arms to catch it, but it was way out of my reach. That fucking sprint blew it off my head. Shit.

“Aha! I knew it! I told you it didn’t work!” Shut the fuck up, mage!

“What in Terra? Marge, was right?” Shut the fuck up, mutt!

All motion stopped; Tactical Expertise S was now online. The mage and the captain were being surrounded by a group of adventurers. A guy was standing on the rooftop with a maniacal grin. That was probably Thom. I could understand why the mutt would gag because he wasn’t a pretty thing to look at. Oddly enough, all of them were wearing the same red armband. Weird. Maybe it was some kind of adventurer thing I didn’t know about. As for the assholes and jackasses that did nothing, as these vicious women kidnapped a helpless boy. They were… wait… the fuck? They were putting coins in a box. Why? Were they gambling? Oh my god, they were gambling. Those heartless bastards!

You know what, fuck them! There was only one thing that mattered at the moment, and that was my hat. It was on a one-way course to the eye of the soon-to-start conflict, i.e. the girl squad. I could easily go down there and grab it. And that was exactly what I intended to do. All I had to do was wait for the rings to be my guide. Anyway, where were they?

Multiple hostiles detected. Tactical Expertise: Overdrive initiating.

Tactical what now? Everyone got back their motion, and my hat returned to its descent. C’mon. Think Kevin, think. Oh shit! Everything’s been dialed up to eleven. I could think clearer and process a bunch of information appearing from out of nowhere. My senses also increased; My sight was sharper, my hearing was clearer, and unfortunately…

*sniff sniff

… my sense of smell was greater than it needed to be. Yech!

I turned to look at the mutt. Shocked, but slowly regaining her cool. It wouldn’t be long before she started sprinting again. That was something I wouldn’t let happen.

I reached to grab the ear closest to me; the whole thing had been white rather than the usual brown. Grab it, “What the?” and yank it in quick succession. “AAAIIIIEEE!” Good. Actually, that worked better than expected. Sweet!

While she was still reeling back in pain, now was the time to give her the slip. I escaped her hold and stood on her shoulder. I then jumped off, doing a 360 backflip because why the fuck not, and landed on my feet. I heard the sounds of cheers and clapping coming from the wicked and heartless gamblers. Okay, I now also had an audience to entertain. Perfect.

“I’ll make you pay for that!” I turned around, and there she was. Her arms were too open. Her trajectory way off course. Her pressure points were too exposed. She was also moving way too slow. I glanced at my surrounding to find that all these adventurers were coming to me. All of them were also too fucking slow; They were making chubby look good, and that was a spectacular feat.

Anyway, I ignored the mutt as she zoomed past me. I walked up and bent down to dodge a tackle. I took a step back to avoid a grab, then stood on the guy’s head. I hopped off it only to see two idiots smack right into each other. Their collision looked kinda goofy and I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Aahhhh!” I hopped up a bit and landed on the mutt. She slid me closer to my hat. I stomped her head to show my appreciation.

“You should try not screaming next time, it’ll do you wonders. Trust me.” I gave her a bit of friendly advice before stomping her one last time. Great service proved kinda scarce for me today.

“Hypercast: Immobilize!”

You have resisted the ‘Immobilize’ spell.

What did she expect? For it to somehow magically work? Hah! The mage frowned when she received her notification. Her eyes bloodshot red as she gave me a look almost as deadly as Janet’s. I stuck out my tongue and blew her a raspberry.

I continued onwards, speed-walking towards my hat, only stopping for a moment as a girl zoomed past me before continuing. I sidestepped a tackled. Slipped past two men. Walked to the captain, who then jumped to grab me by the leg. Apparently, all the tension and animosity dropped the moment I landed on my feet. Shame.

I took a step back, causing her to miss. I then hopped onto her metal gauntlet, walking up to her shoulders. She couldn’t stop me even if she wanted to. Her armor was heavy and it limited her maneuverability, so she was much slower compared to her friends. And also, the shocked expression on that gorgeous face was hilarious. A shame that I had to step on it. Quite the shame.

Using the captain’s face as my launchpad, I threw myself up into the sky so that I could snatch my hat amidst its descent. How was it still in the air? Don’t know. Don’t care. I did a 360 front flip before getting my hands on it, because why the fuck not. Now was the time for the real question. How to make the perfect landing. Superhero, rolling, or feet? The superhero landing was lame and overdone. I already landed on my feet, so doing it for the second time in a row just felt wrong. Rolling it is. I could work with that.

My rise came to a stop, and I was now descending towards the street. I tilted to the left to dodge the mutt that jumped up to grab me, waving her goodbye as she zoomed past me once again. There were also multiple men below me, waiting for me to land with their arms stretched and wide open. They were shoving each other around and sabotaging their neighbors. It could have been a challenge if they cooperated, but they didn’t. This was gonna be nothing more than a breeze.

I landed on some rando’s face, then immediately hopped off as he got barraged with slaps. I used this opportunity to place the tip of my right foot on another rando’s backhand, launching myself to an open space. I used my free hand on the pavement to gain some balance before giving myself a little oomph. I rolled quite the distance, standing up without the use of my arms once I lost the momentum. The audience showered me with applause.

“What the fuck is this kid?” A random adventurer complained out loud. His frustration out there for all to see. I should thank this man if I ever got the chance because he just gave me an excellent idea.

“It’s not about what I am.” I spoke loud enough for all to hear, stretching out the arm that held my hat. I had my back towards them for added effect cause there’s no way in hell they’d ever get the jump on me. “It’s about who. I. Am.”

…

Uhm, that was the cue to ask who I was. Did these people not understand how it worked? Learn to read the mood people. Learn to read the mood!

“And who are you exactly?” Ah yes. Thank you, Mr. Fake. I always knew you were a man worth respecting.

“The name’s Brovado.” Twirl hat before sporting. Gradual and steady turn. Casual hat tip. Maniacal grin. “Jon Brovado.” Perfect.