“We need to talk,” Elnor said to her squire. She saw him already awake when she did. She got up from his chest and sat properly on the bench.

“About last night?” Nevan asked her.

“Including that,” Elnor nodded. “Not here, though.”

“Where do you wanna talk?”

“Get changed, then let’s go for a walk.”

“Alright. Give me a minute.”

Nevan changed his sleeping attire to one that was more suitable. Mrs. Sari had bought some clothes for him. They would have fit perfectly on him before, but now the cotton tunic and leather trousers hung loosely. Elnor was still waiting by the bench. She did not need to change as she had not worn a sleeping attire last night. They did not bring a coat with them, as the temperature had already begun to rise.

They walked silently out the front gates and towards the morning market. They kept going, passing what should’ve been a lively place under normal circumstances and into a park.

“Last night,” Elnor said as they walked through the flowers and greenery. “Did you meant what you said?”

“That I would only leave when you do?” Nevan asked her.

“Yes.”

“Yes,” he immediately replied. “I meant it. You don’t believe me?”

“It’s not that I don’t believe you, but I don’t know if you were in the right state of mind.”

They passed by a pond, with gold and red fishes swimming inside. A bird flew downwards and snatched one of the red fishes with its beak. Elnor watched it flew away with its meal.

“I wasn’t,” Nevan admitted as they took a seat at one of the benches by the pond. “But, I don’t think I will ever be ‘right’ again.” He focused on his breathing, looking towards his feet.

Elnor placed a hand on his cheek, turning him to face her. “What happened?” she asked softly. Her squire had never told her exactly what had happened to him when he was held captive, and she was always too afraid to ask. Too afraid to confront the consequences of her actions.

“I never wanted to tell you what happened other than that day,” Nevan whispered, holding her hand that was on his cheek. He looked up into her eyes. “I can see the guilt and worry you carry. The way you always look at me from the corner of your eyes when you think I wouldn’t notice. The worried look you always make when you see the children weren’t looking.” He placed his other hand on her left cheek and brushed gently on the scar underneath her left eye. “I didn’t want to add to it.”

“I don’t care if I have to hate myself more,” Elnor said gently, leaning her face onto his hand. “I care about you, and I want to help to pick the pieces back up. But I can’t help if you don’t tell me anything.”

“Where to begin?” he smiled melancholically. “There are no pieces left to gather,” he continued. “I had burned it.”

“What do you mean?” Elnor gently asked her squire.

“I want you to know first,” he muttered. “That I don’t blame you.”

Elnor nodded. He may not blame her, but she knew she would blame herself.

“My captors broke me,” he whispered. “But I was the one who dealt the permanent blow to myself.” He looked at her, his mouth quivering. He had yet to come to terms with what he had done. The act that his nightmares had constantly reminded him. But he had done it, and there was no use denying it. “Right before my escape,” he began. “I almost killed a child.”

Elnor felt her blood draining from her face at his words. She did not say anything, however, allowing him to continue.

“She couldn’t have been any older than Hua,” Nevan continued. “She was a peasant, and she was kind. She fed me every day while I was chained in the dark dungeon. She pretended to help me escape. It was part of Akar’s plans to shatter me even further. To destroy my hope of ever escaping. Akar must have forced her to participate in one of their plans to break me. But I found out about their plans. And I took my anger out on her.” He remembered the frail peasant girl crying tears of blood underneath him. His hand on Elnor’s cheek shivered.

Elnor held his shaking hand, and the shivering of her own counteracted his. She remembered when she had done something similar. “You don’t know if she was forced, or maybe she volunteered to take part,” she said to him.

Nevan shook his head, tears streaming down his face. “She was a child,” he said. “A peasant. And they probably promised her money if she took part.” His eyes met Elnor’s, and she could see horror and disgust. “I had my thumb in her eye and the other around her neck,” Nevan continued. He could still picture the blood flowing out of the child’s eye as clear as day. The way her other fearful eye stared at him was forever ingrained into his brain. “I still see her,” he whimpered like one whose lungs had been deprived of air. “And when I see her,” he closed his eyes. “I see Hua.” And when he saw Hua, he saw Nalia. “I only managed to stop because I heard the guards coming. What kind of monster have I become that I tortured and attempted to kill an innocent child?”

The question struck an emotional chord in Elnor, and for a few moments, she could not remember how to breathe.

Nevan had never wanted to hurt innocents, especially a child. It was the line he had sworn never to cross. For he had known if he did, he would hate himself. But the path he had chosen had caused him to do so, and now the great turmoil inside himself will never rest. “My captors would never know it, but their plan had succeeded. They destroyed me.” ‘Who would’ve thought,’ Nevan reflected. ‘That his downfall would be caused by him himself.’

Elnor had seen how her squire had interacted with the children. The thought of him hurting a child had never crossed her mind. She stared at him in terror. Not for what her squire had done, but for what she had caused him to do instead. And the consequences he was now suffering through were all her fault. “I’m sorry,” she said weakly. “For having left you.” Only a few would understand the pain he was going through, and she knew someone like him did not deserve it.

“No,” he whispered back, wiping his tears. “There’s nothing to forgive.” He nodded to her. “Like I said. If I were you, I would’ve done the same.”

They held each others’ gaze for a while, not saying a single word.“I have done horrible things too,” Elnor finally whispered. “Much worse. I want to tell you that it will get better, but I can’t.”

“I don’t care,” Nevan replied to her. “What’s done is done. And we just have to try our best to leave it in the past and move forward. Together.”

They leaned their foreheads against each others’. “You want to leave?” Elnor asked softly.

“Only if you’ll come with me,” he whispered back. “If you don’t want me to go with you. I won’t….”

Elnor shook her head. “No, no. I know you would never hurt the children. It’s just that Ronan needs me. I can’t let our people die for my selfishness.”

“Then do it for Hua and Safia. They need a family.” He had seen what could happen to a child that had lost theirs. And he would not want to see Hua and Safia ending up the same. He loved them. And he thought maybe he could atone for his sin by making sure Elnor would not be robbed from them.

“I’m away from home most of the time. I don’t think I’ve been much of a guardian to them,” Elnor said gently.

“They love you very much, and you love them too. Everyone can easily see that.” Nevan closed his eyes. “And you have always done your best; that’s more than enough.”

“Even so. I don’t know if I can make the decision now. I don’t know if I’m ready to carry the burden of abandoning our people.”

“I know,” he whispered to her. “You don’t have to decide now. I can wait.”

Elnor closed her eyes, pushing on Nevan’s forehead slightly. She breathed him in and tilted her head slightly to one side. She felt her lips touched his as she leaned in. And he kissed back. If anyone were present in the park, they would not have seen a kiss between lovers. Neither would have they seen a kiss between a husband and a wife. It was a kiss between two lost souls that fate had written to find one another.

The sun had just started to descend from its zenith when the two returned home. Hua and Safia watched them enter the front gates through one of the windows. “They’re holding hands!” Safia shouted excitedly.

“We were so right!” Hua also yelled in delight.

“Hush, you two.” Mrs. Sari said. “Let’s not embarrass them.” The housekeeper could not help but smile, too, as she saw the mistress of the house entering the gates. But her smile quickly disappeared. The housekeeper wondered why her mistress’ smile held such sorrow beneath it. “I have prepared your baths. Go now and be ready for dinner,” Mrs.Sari said to the children.

“The sky is not even dark yet,” Hua complained.

Mrs. Sari gave the girls a look. “We both know you two will spend hours in the bath together, splashing around.”

The children scowled at her.

“I’ll make you two martabak for dessert if you both go now,” Mrs. Sari compromised.

The children cheered, running instantly to the bath. Mrs.Sari sighed at the running children.

The front door opened, and the couple entered. Mrs.Sari saw the way the young man looked at Elnor. It was similar to how her husband had looked at her once.

“A letter came for you while you were out, Madam Elnor,” Mrs. Sari said, handing an envelope to the Commander.

Elnor saw General Ahri’s seal on the letter. She opened it and sat in one of the chairs as she read. She frowned.

“What’s wrong?” Nevan asked her.

“I’ve been summoned. The general is gathering all the Commanders. Tonight,” she added.

“Tonight,” Nevan repeated. “I thought we had two more days.”

“You do,” Elnor replied. “Ahri had called for a Commander’s briefing.”

“When are you leaving?”

“Midnight. Not any sooner.” She answered her squire. “Mrs. Sari, where are the children?”

“They’re taking a bath,” the housekeeper answered. Mrs. Sari had an adverse feeling when the messenger delivered a letter from the Knight’s headquarters and had sent the kids away. Everyone in the living room could hear the voices of the children playing.

“Go,” Nevan said to Elnor. “I’ll pack up your things.”

“Thank you,” Elnor said before leaving to go play with the children.

“Elnor!” the children shouted when Elnor entered the bathing room.

They splashed water at her. “All right, all right,” Elnor said to them. She smiled at them, seeing them playing and screaming joyfully. The children yelled as Elnor surprised them by suddenly splashing water in the bathtub at them.

The cheerful voices echoed into the living room. Nevan smiled as he heard it.

“You love them, don’t you?” Mrs.Sari asked. “I’m old enough to know what that look on your face means.”

Nevan chuckled. “I do.”

Everyone ate dinner together that night. Elnor looked at the people around, taking in what could be her last dinner with them. Mrs.Sari brought the chocolate cake desserts after they finished, causing the children to cheer hungrily. After dinner, Elnor stayed in the children’s room, tucking them to sleep. “You’re leaving, aren’t you?” Hua muttered.

Elnor had long since given up on trying to find out how her sister always knew whenever she was leaving. “Tonight,” she whispered, gently stroking both of the children’s hairs. Safia and Hua frowned.

“You’re coming back, right?” Safia asked while Hua buried herself in Elnor’s lap.

“Of course,” Elnor said.

“But you can’t promise it!” Hua cried and hugged her sister. “I don’t want to be left alone.”

Elnor brushed her hair gently. “You’ll never be alone. I’ll make sure of it.”

She left the room once the children were asleep. Her squire waited for her in the living room.

“Your things,” he said, handing her a sack.

“I’ll see you soon, Ishan,” she said, placing a hand on his cheek. “I’ll get the blacksmiths to make you a pair of war hammers.”

“Thank you, ma’am,” he smiled.

“Mrs.Sari, “Elnor nodded to the housekeeper. “Take care of the girls and my squire while I’m away.”

“Always, Madam,” the older woman replied.

They both watched as Elnor mounted her horse and left. Nevan sat on the bench on the porch as Elnor disappeared into the night.

“I see you’re taking over Madam Elnor’s job of warming the bench,” Mrs. Sari joked.

Nevan laughed, “It’s peaceful here.”

“Goodnight, Ishan,” the housekeeper said.

“Goodnight.”

The next day, Nevan noticed the children were gloomy, especially Hua. He knew she was worried, and he did not know what he could say to ease her. He played with them, but it had only cheered them temporarily.

“I’m sure they’ll be fine,” the housekeeper said as she prepared dinner. “You should worry about packing your things for tomorrow.”

“I can carry everything I need on my person,” he replied. “Most of my things were taken away.”

They ate dinner silently. After dinner, Nevan went to the children’s room. He read a book about heroes coming home from war to try and cheer the children. But they did not seem too enthusiastic and fell asleep before he finished reading.

Nevan left to sit on the front porch. It was midnight, and he stared at the stars. He held the noble thief’s sigil in his fist. He wept. “I’m sorry, Nalia.” He always saw her in his nightmares. His dream would always begin with the noble thief carrying his pouch away. He would scream, trying to force his legs to move, but he always failed. Then it would shift to the peasant girl clutching her eye, screaming as his thumb pressed into her eye socket. Then the girl would change to Nalia. And he would see his reflection in her eyes of the monster he had become, the monster that was currently hurting his sister. The fear in her eyes as she stared at him haunted him. He knew Nalia had never wanted him to go down this path and that he had chosen to do so. And now, he had begun assaulting children.

The cries of the peasant girl still rang clearly in his mind, and he could still feel the blood that had spurted on his cheek. How lucky, he thought, the people currently in Nirvana were. They would not know it, but they had avoided the downfall that they would cause themselves. Maybe he should’ve never left that place. Perhaps he would still feel anger and hatred towards the noble thief, but at least it would be directed at someone else. All the rage and disgust he felt now were directed at himself.

“Elnor?” Nevan heard Hua’s sleepy voice coming from the front door.

He wiped his tears hastily. Hua seeing that her sister was not there, began to cry. “Hey, hey,” Nevan picked up the crying child into his arms. It took a while for the little girl to stop crying.

“She’s not coming back, is she?” Hua sniffled.

“Of course she is. She would always come back for you,” Nevan replied, rocking the child in his arms.

“But this time is different. I know the war is going to be bad.”

“Nothing your sister can’t handle,” he smiled.

“Can you make sure she comes back?” Hua asked, her head buried on his shoulder.

“I will,” he said gently.

“Promise?” Hua looked up at him.

Nevan looked the little child in the eyes. “I promise.” And he meant it.

Hua nodded and began to go to sleep. She saw a familiar reflection in the corner of her eye. “Did my sister gave you her old sigil?” she asked.

Nevan turned to where the child was looking. “Her sigil?” he asked.

“Yeah!” Hua turned her head and pointed to the sigil of the Knight of Ronan on the bench. She hopped down from Nevan’s arms and ran to it. She inspected the back of the sigil as she picked it up and smiled. “Here,” she showed the back of the sigil to Nevan. “I carved the letter ‘H’ on the back so Elnor would always remember me.” She looked closer at the sigil and started rubbing it with her shirt. “It should be blue; I painted it with my favorite color.” She held the sigil back up as she scraped the dried blood off of it. “There, you go! Some of the paint had worn off, but you could still see a little of the blue.”

Nevan stared at the sigil, not saying a thing. He did not even know if he was breathing, unsure if he had forgotten or simply could not do so. “Are you sure it was Elnor’s?” he asked.

“Yeah! I’ll recognize it anywhere,” the child answered, fiddling with the sigil. “She said she had lost it. Can I keep it?”

Nevan ignored her question. “When did she said she lost it?”

Hua thought for a moment. “A couple of months ago, I think.”

“Is it around the same time she brought you the medicine?” He asked slowly.

“Now you mention it. Yeah, it was around that time.” The child looked up to Nevan and saw his wide eyes. She saw that his hands were opening and clenching into fists. Tears had begun to run down his cheeks. “What’s wrong?” she asked innocently.

Nevan only stared at the child. The clues were always there, and he had always turned a blind eye to them. He remembered seeing Elnor in a black cloak at Fort Badai, and a part of him had known it then. But he could not bring himself to confront it. How devious of fate, he thought, that the woman he had fallen for would be the one that had destroyed his life. He had wanted to run, to take in the comfort that if he never had any confirmation, then he could never be sure. That would have been enough for him to alter the path he had taken. The path that had led him to began torturing children. But fate had always been vicious to him. And now, the noble thief’s younger sister stood before him. Nevan wondered as he stared at the child if he would cross that line again. How would the noble thief feel? He asked himself. Supposed her family was ripped away from her. He stopped opening his palms, keeping them clenched into fists. Maybe this was what fate wanted and who was he to defy fate?

“Ishan?” the child asked nervously.

Elnor sat in one of the spare offices at the far corner of the fortress. The large map of the battlefield sat on the round table. She had chosen this room as it sat far from the main areas of the building. She needed solitude. General Ahri had shown all the Commanders the new weapons they had made with the information from the scroll she had stolen. And the third army would be the first to test it out in battle. They had never had weapons such as those and did not know the best battle strategy. A knock rapped on the door. “Come in,” she called out.

The blacksmith entered and saluted. “Your order, Commander.” He handed her the leatherbound war hammers she had asked to be made.

“Thank you, Sir Yoon Soe,” Elnor replied. “You may go,” she continued after inspecting the hammers. The blacksmith saluted and left. “Leave the doors open. I need some air.” She examined the hammers underneath the lantern light. It was made of Actinide alloy, not as strong or rare as Fabidium steel, but much better than the average steel or iron. The brown color made it look like rusted iron, but she knew what it was capable of. She rested the weapons on her desk and returned to her work.

The night had grown dead silent when she began to roll up the map. It was already past midnight, and the knights would arrive in a few hours. She needed rest for the march that would begin the same evening. She had written some letters for the children at home and would hand them to the post office in the headquarters in the morning. She was about to extinguish the lantern when she heard footsteps approaching. She wondered what they wanted from her this late.

It was her squire. She realized as he approached her office. “Ishan,” she said as his face came into view. She instantly knew something had happened. He walked towards her like a dead man, with sunken red eyes flooding with tears. His fists were covered in blood, and his clothes were spattered with the same liquid. “Ishan, what happened?” she asked worriedly.

He did not answer her but instead tossed something onto her desk. It rattled on the wooden surface. Her breathing stopped as she saw the sigil that rested in front of her. The old sigil that she had lost when she had last worn the mask of the noble thief.

“Tell me it's not yours,” her squire trembled. “Tell me that I am mistaken.” She looked up at him and into his dark eyes- eyes as black as night.

“Ishan,” she whispered, not knowing what to say.

“My name is not Ishan!” he screamed, slamming his fists down onto the wooden desk. “Ishan died when you abandoned him. My name is Nevan.”

“Prima,” she finished his sentence. There it was, the black eyes that had haunted her every night in her sleep. The eyes she had always seen right before she woke up screaming from her nightmares. He had grown, she understood now. He must have gone through the last spurt of growth that boys often had before they became men. All this time, she had thought he was dead. He looked different, but she had always seen the similarities. At that moment, as she stared into the Prima’s face, she asked herself the same question she always asked whenever she gazed up into the stars every night. Since when had she begun resorting to killing children?

“Hua. Safia,” she muttered as she gazed back to the blood on his fists. She inwardly begged all the gods she knew that her family was safe and that they had not been taken away from her.

He did not answer her, and his eyes continued to gaze into her. “Please,” she said to him, her own tears beginning to drip onto the desk. He continued to remain silent. She grabbed his collars. “Tell me you did not hurt them!”

Her squire slapped her hands away. “Don’t touch me!” He stared at her for a moment before speaking. “You know I won’t lay a hand on them. This is my blood.” He raised his fists to show her the wounds he had gathered. He had screamed in anguish as he punched the trees on the way to the headquarters. “They’re asleep,” he seethed. “This is between you and me.”

“You’re right,” Elnor quivered. “Take it out on me. Just please don’t hurt them,” she pleaded through her tears. She had searched for him once before she was deployed, only to find news that his family had died from the plague. How cruel, she thought. That fate would make her fall in love with the boy that she had unforgivably hurt. And that that boy had been alongside her all this time. She placed her hand on her chest, where it ached.

Elnor wanted to ask forgiveness, but she wondered if it were worth asking when she knew he would not give it to her. “Please, just don’t hurt them,” she said again, quivering as she spoke.

“My sister had the plague,” Nevan whispered. “She was in pain, and I had to kill her to end it.” He spoke in agony as he recalled that night. “And my family left to join her.”

“I know,” Elnor whispered. “But please don’t hurt the children. Kill me instead.” She picked up one of the hammers, handing it handle first to Nevan.

He did not accept the hammer. He met Elnor’s eyes, “Why?” he asked. “I know why you needed the medicine. But why did you pick me? WHY WAS IT ME, THE ONE YOU CHOSE TO STRIP OF THEIR FAMILY? He yelled at her. “Tell me why! I deserve to know,” he asked as his heart shattered. He could not think of a reason and had always asked himself why the noble thief decided to come for him. “Why me?” he questioned again when Elnor did not answer.

Elnor’s tears never stopped as she confessed her sin and felt the weight on her heart increased tenfold. “I needed the medicine. Hua was so ill,” she cried, covering her mouth. “She couldn’t stop crying. We’ve lost our parents already, and I couldn’t lose her too. Not her.” She closed her watery eyes as she remembered Hua’s screams. “I went to the apothecary, but they demanded more money, and I didn’t have enough.” She opened her eyes to look at him. She could see the misery in his eyes. “Then I saw you and your men with your family emblem bribing the apothecary. I knew it was my only chance to save Hua. I didn’t have another choice,” she shook her head.

“You had a choice!” Nevan yelled. “You could’ve raided the apothecary and stolen it. You could have easily killed the guards.”

“I couldn’t,” Elnor sobbed. “The guards were knights, only doing their jobs. I couldn’t bring myself to kill them.”

“So you chose to make me an orphan?” Nevan whimpered. “You killed my family. Don’t you dare tell me you did not have a choice!”

“I’m sorry,” she said to him.

“What am I suppose to do?” He asked her painfully. “I had sworn to bring them vengeance.” He placed his palms on his chest. “Tell me, what am I suppose to do now?”

“Fulfill your promise,” she said, choking back her tears and nudged the hammer. “I am haunted by what I had done to you every second. I have lived with your pain and your agony ever since that night. I deserve nothing less than to allow you to have your retribution.”

Nevan looked at her drenched eyes, currently lost in his thoughts and life, and then down towards the hammer in her hands. “I’m not going to kill you,” he shook his head slowly, unable to believe what he had just said. “I’m better than you. I won’t deprive Hua of her sister.” Nevan felt empty, broken again. “If you want my forgiveness,” he looked Elnor in the eyes. “Then kill me so I can join my family. End this pain for me.” He took the hammer and placed the handle in Elnor’s hand.

Elnor watched as Nevan moved her hand so that the blunt tip rested on top of his head. She watched her hand and then her squire. She found herself unmoving.

“Do it,” Nevan muttered.

Elnor remained still, wishing that this was just a nightmare.

“DO IT!”

Elnor dropped the hammer, and it fell with a thump to the stone floor. She could not do it. How could she kill the man she loved? How could she kill someone who she had learned to care for? She would not be able to live with it. Maybe she was being selfish, but she would not kill him. “I can’t,” she whispered.

Nevan stared sadly at her. “You’re not a good person, Elnor,” he shook his head and turned to leave.

“Nevan,” she called out to him with his real name. He stopped on the door frame. “Where are you going?”

He looked back at her with sorrowful eyes. “I have a promise to keep,” he said to her and left.