Cormac and Ixia stared out over the dashboard all cracked from age and cheap make at the little shop that shouldn’t be there. The engine and radio had sat silent and still for almost as long as they had. A duffel bag holding a trash bag holding a severed head and the proof of their hard work sat between them. On top of the bag their fingers were interlaced, and every few moments they would gently squeeze the other’s hand.

“So…the shopkeeper is a Llarnak…” Cormac started as he stared straight ahead to the amber shop lights radiating in the night. “And they’re ‘tricky’?”

“They can be.” Ixia didn’t take her eyes off the shop door like something was going to burst through at any moment.

“Anything in particular that puts them in a tricky mood?” He asked, not really wanting to back out now after all they had been through to help him compete with all manner of scary things but also not wanting to walk into a bad situation.

“They put themselves in that mood when they feel something would amuse them.” She said as she squeezed his hand.

“Damnit.” The Guardian leaned forward until his forehead was resting on the steering wheel, slowly inhaled, and then heaved a sigh before sitting straight up. “You ready?”

Ixia pulled him into a kiss for luck and broke his stone faced concentration. He blushed and all protest died on his lips that instead formed a small grin. It was an answer enough for Cormac as he nodded to her and they both climbed out of the truck. The Dryad looked around the parking lot and found no one around to see the door to a truck closing on its own while Cormac hauled out the duffel bag and slung it over his shoulder.

They both slammed the doors shut as they marched forward to that place between places where the strange shop was located. The pavement was still warm from the day against Ixia’s feet as she felt the earth beneath it and thought of a dozen different things she could do to summon plants to her aid should they try to retreat in a hurry. The Guardian patted the spot in the duffel bag where his shovel was stashed in case of one of those emergencies.

If all went according to plan, he could finally have more than just a shovel and a dream to his name. No longer would he be horribly outmatched in a world of scary magic things that wanted to eat him. Sure, he still lacked an obsidian blade that was apparently vital to being a Guardian. But these times were as modern as they were magical.

And magic being real had only increased the desire to finally fulfill the Great American Dream of owning a gun.

Cormac opened the door as that increasingly familiar chime rang in their ears. Normally he would hold a door open for a lady, but as her Guardian he took the first step in and glanced around to confirm nothing was immediately wrong before holding it open for her to join him. She steps inside and as soon as she feels the cool floor they both freeze at the sound of voices from further within.

The pair locked eyes as they both wordlessly listened in and debated what to do next. Muffled words carried over the shelves in a casual tone. Ixia bit her lip and tilted her head as she faced Cormac. He replied with an uncertain frown and a shrug before she took another step into the shop and her Guardian let the door swing closed behind them. Adjusting the squishy sounding duffel bag slung over his back, he led his Dryad further into what he had long ago dubbed The Shop of Scary Nonsense.

After making their way through the unfortunately increasingly familiar yet still labyrinthine aisles, the pair were once again at the check-out desk. Or at least behind a few other customers waiting for their turn at the check-out. Or at least what Cormac assumed to be a few other customers.

What sounded like a middle aged man, dressed like a businessman, and mostly looked like a gray man from the neck down was at the counter talking to the Llarnak woman. From the neck up, his head resembled a neon orange sea anemone.

This individual was busy making idle conversation talking at the strange woman as she inspected a mass of tiny glass marbles with a swirling blue energy inside of them.

And standing behind him, waiting patiently was…something wearing a hooded robe with two glowing red eyes peering out from the seemingly impossible darkness. Looking to Ixia for any amount of guidance here, she could only shake her head and shrug. Cormac cleared his throat and asked in a low voice. “Uh does the line start behind you?”

The hooded figure emitted a rasping hiss as it nodded once and turned to face forward once more.

It was Cormac’s turn to shrug at Ixia as they took their place in line and waited as the Llarnak’s eyes focused on those tiny glass spheres each in turn while the anemone man jovially rambled on about sports like he was busy escaping work at the water cooler.

She set aside several with her claws and stared the man down. “You have 6 fakes, falling short of the 99 that we had previously agreed upon.”

“What?” The anemone man responded in somehow perfectly clear English despite the lack of a humanoid mouth. He leaned over onto the counter, still standing just as tall as the strange woman. “Well first of all you’re wrong. All of these are in flawless condition.”

“Some of them are flawlessly fake.” The woman said without missing a beat. “The rest are fine, but seeing as how you no longer have the agreed upon amount-”

“ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR?” The anemone man’s tentacles turned a neon red as he slammed his gray fists on the counter with an unexpected squishing sound.

The strange woman was unphased as she pushed the tray of glass spheres towards the enraged man. “No, but wherever you did acquire them from did have some fake-”

“YOU FUCKING BITCH NOW YOU’RE CALLING MY SOURCE A LIAR TOO?!?!” For having only a weird anemone mouth, the man was still more than capable of yelling at the top of his that may or may not actually exist. These questions and more managed to make it into Cormac’s head as he took a few steps back along with Ixia. The man turned and shouted at everyone standing behind him. “DO YOU FUCKING HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY? YOU CALLING ME A LIAR BEHIND MY BACK?!?”

“Dude we just got here.” Cormac would have held up his hands in defense but he was too busy clutching his duffel bag as his possible only shield between himself and an irate man with tentacles for a face, taking another step to put Ixia behind him.

The hooded man also took a step back as Ixia looked back and forth from the irate anemone and where she had spied a tank full of glowing and floating plants. They looked like they were valuable, but that was a debt that could be paid later whilst still alive. She knew her Guardian was still exhausted after a long night and day and was not eager to see another fight so soon. “I have little doubt that you are not at fault! Perhaps your source was deceived as well?”

“OH SO NOW WE’RE BOTH BIG DUMB FUCKING IDIOTS WHO CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE?” The tall being took another step towards the pair. “FUCKING BITCH WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!?”

“Hey now!” Cormac raised his voice as he put himself between his Dryad and the irate sea weirdo. “Let’s take it easy. We’ve all had a long day and-”

“IT’S MORNING!” The tendril-faced man shouted as a stone faced Cormac’s many regrets weighed heavy on his eyelids, forcing him to blink slow and consider his actions carefully. “I HAVE NOT HAD A LONG DAY I HAVE HAD A PERFECTLY GOOD NIGHT THAT HAS BEEN RUINED BY ALL OF YOU FUCKING PEOPLE!”

The hooded man held his sleeve covered hands up as he backed away, shooting a worried glance over to Cormac and Ixia who each shrugged back at him while the anemone man turned to the Llarnak to shout at her some more. “DON’T YOU GET IT?!? DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS TO ME? OH BUT I KNOW YOUR TYPE! I KNOW YOU DO! AND NOW YOU’RE SMILING AT IT ALL! I’M GONNA EAT THAT SMILE RIGHT OFF OF YOUR FACE!”

As his gray hand shot out across the counter toward the strange woman’s throat, the blade of a shovel hit the back of his head with a wet squishing noise. A nasty black bruise remained on his ‘head’ when Cormac caught him in his arms as he fell to the ground before dragging him closer to the tank full of glowing plants while nodding to Ixia. The Dryad reached out a hand and long aquatic tendrils began to grow from the glowing plants, snaking out of the tank and wrapping themselves around the unconscious man.

Who was a little less unconscious than preferred as he started to rouse and struggle in Cormac’s arms. The Guardian tried to choke him out but found with wide eyed realization that it wasn’t working. “Do any Veiled Things actually breathe through their face?”

The strange woman and the hooded man both raised their hands while watching the scene with mild amusement and mild horror respectively.

“Get ready to release him!” Ixia’s lilac eyes were focused on the plants. “These are very grabby plants and I don’t want you tied up to him.”

Cormac bashed the man’s head with his shovel once more to another loud squish, and an even louder retort. “You don’t even know what kind of mistake you’re making, human!”

The Guardian postponed all thought on the nutritional value of facial expressions as he kicked the man away from him in time for the plants to cling to him with an ever increasing amount of tendrils until all but his tentacled head was covered in fresh white roots. Cormac stood and dusted himself off as he flashed a smile to Ixia.

“I have no idea how magic police or whatever work but do we just call them or-”

“Gonna have to try-” Cormac groaned as he heard the man still struggling.

“-harder than that-” His eyes went wide when he saw the man’s flesh emitting some liquid that was eating thrown his own clothes and the roots binding him. The black bruise from mere moments ago now vanishing into nothing.

“TO KILL ME!” His guttural screams were met with another shovel to the face.

Then again and again as the kneeling human avoided flailing acid covered tentacles. The swipe of the blade of his shovel took several grasping tentacles off as he screamed and flailed. Just as the roots binding him were starting to weaken, Ixia had charged at him with a large stick that she had hastily grown to deal with the acid. She struck hard at his groin as he howled and went limp, his flesh turning gray once more.

Cormac winced in unwilling sympathy and stood once more.

His Dryad gave a hesitant smile as she held her stick aloft. “I must admit that I don’t know what he is, so that was a guess!”

“It was a good guess!” Her Guardian said with a nerve filled chuckle as he rested a hand on her shoulder. “I know you said to go for the eyes but I don’t even know where the eyes are on this dude.”

The tentacle faced dude moaned in pain as his flesh once again turned a vibrant glowing orange. It was then the hooded being’s turn to stomp on the dynasty jewels of the tentacle faced beast spitting and sputtering threats at every person in the building. The shadow faced being hissed and gargled at Cormac, pointing and gesturing about to the human’s deep confusion. Ixia was next as the entity pointed at her stick and made a swinging motion towards the downed man.

Guardian and Dryad shared confused glances before nodding to one another. Ixia held her stick up, hesitating for a moment until she saw that the roots she had grown had weakened even further as the man tried to sit up. A crushing blow from the stick to his most vulnerable of parts had him falling back down, though he retained more vigor this time while swearing that he would use her for kindling. The hooded being gave a swift kick to keep him down as he motioned for Ixia to join him in taking turns in this most humiliating assault.

Cormac turned to look for something to possibly deal with the threat and found himself face to face with the Llarnak. He yelped and flinched back before she spoke.

“Do you have the requested item?” She asked in a calm tone that ignored the chaos overtaking her shop. “The bonederbuss would be quite helpful in dispatching this foe.”

The Guardian looked over to where he had dropped the bag full of monster head, raced over and grabbed it from the duffel bag, and shoved it in the strange woman’s many arms. She carefully looked it over as Ixia and a stranger were finding groin attacks were no longer as effective as they should be. “So this is her. Good work. One moment while I retrieve your gun.”

Cormac gripped his shovel as he turned and rushed the man who was now standing too naked and too dripping in corrosive material to swing his shovel’s blade into his face. Though the tentacle faced man grunted in pain, his face tentacles caught the sizzling melting metal shovel in their grasp. A few of the previously severed tentacles were now starting to grow back before the eyes of all onlookers as the man gurgled a laugh. “You’re really not leaving me much of a choice!”

“We were trying-” Ixia shouted as she threw the large stick at his legs, forcing the wood to twist and wrap around his lower limbs despite the liquid rapidly burning through. “-to just restrain you!”

All not currently restrained by a twisting grasping branch took a step back as the now glowing man shambled towards them and the branch started to dissolve. Cormac took another step back and bumped into something. He whirled around in place as a shotgun made of bones was shoved into his hands. The strange woman clasped a bone clasp around his right wrist, the object looking to be made of small strung finger bones knitted together.

“That is what draws the blood necessary for ammunition.” She explained in the same even tone she always kept. “Pump the blooderbuss to load a shell, then pull the trigger. You will find the results quite satisfactory.”

Just as the human turned around, the man now free of all clothing and other bindings took a step to dash towards Ixia. A pump of the shotgun like snapping bones and viscera had Cormac feeling like something was drinking from his wrist. A click of the trigger and a muffled crunch with little recoil had the tentacle faced man recoiling back.

He laughed despite the gaping hole in his chest, and all his tentacles pointed at the assembled group staring in stunned horror. A horror that spread to the man as he realized the wound was not closing up and oozing neon orange blood. His shaking hand reached up to the wound that stayed the exact same size no matter how much he pawed at it, and despite all of his face tentacles flailing in fear before turning into a final stumbling rage to reach out towards the man who shot him.

A second shot and he collapsed with a final wet thud against the shop’s floor.

Cormac’s breathing slowed until he exhaled and lowered the shotgun towards the floor. His Dryad took a wavering step forward to inspect the motionless body now bleeding out on the floor and no longer dissolving everything it touched.

“Next customer, please.”

The strange woman’s voice interrupted the couple’s shock as the hooded figure to their side looked around in similar confusion. Glowing red eyes looked around in confusion before going wide, and the figure withdrew something from its robes and finally approached the counter for a brief exchange. The Llarnak handed it a large glass vial of something which it immediately uncorked and drank while hidden by shadows. It cleared its throat, and a man’s voice of indeterminate accent spoke after clearing his throat.

“Finally!” He said with joy and relief as he walked over to the pair and stood beside them once more. “Are you both alright? I apologize I’m not much of a fighter.”

They both looked at him and blinked for a moment before mumbling that they had managed to avoid having their faces eaten or flesh dissolved.

“Excellent! And I simply cannot express enough how thankful I am for you dealing with that irate fellow.” Glowing red eyes peered down at the motionless naked figure in a puddle of a few too many different liquids. “I guess someone had a case of The Mondays! Haha well I won’t keep you. Do try to have a better rest of your Monday than him!”

The hooded figure waved a shadow covered hand at them as he walked off towards the exit. Ixia leaned against Cormac who wrapped an arm around her and they shared a quiet moment before the Llarnak called out to them.

“Was there anything else you needed today?”

Cormac looked over at her with bleary green eyes. “You seem like the kind of woman who would have been able to take care of all that yourself.”

“Yes but this was far more amusing.”

The Dryad and Guardian’s eyes met as she winced and he blinked tiredly. She didn’t want to be as right as she was about Llarnaks, and neither did he. The human shook his head.

“Since you did kill him, you are now in possession of 93 genuine Eyes of The Sea, and 6 forgeries.”

“Would they cover the plants that were liquified in trying to subdue your customer for your amusement?”

She reached out her upper right arm to pluck one of the glass spheres with swirling blue energy within and placed it under the counter. “That leaves you with 92 genuine Eyes of The Sea, and 6 forgeries.”

The pair trudged over to the counter, as Cormac held their duffle bag open and Ixia emptied the tray of objects of unknown power into it with a clinking chime and faint sound of crashing waves. Whatever they could have exchanged them for could wait, as they already had a meeting to attend and a day that had already been far too long.

Without another word they left the shop and returned to Cormac’s truck, climbing in and closing the doors behind them before finally exhaling. Ixia sank down in her seat as Cormac leaned his head against the steering wheel for a moment before he pulled the plant woman into his arms. Minutes passed without saying anything, just staring out the windshield up into the night sky before Cormac broke the silence.

“Five more minutes before we take off for the meeting?” He said as he held his right hand out in front of them to inspect the bone bangle now attached to his wrist.

Ixia traced a green fingertip along the bones, lilac eyes narrowing in concern as she felt along his pale skin for anything wrong. “Ten.”

He didn’t object, as he let Ixia inspect his wrist. “He was probably a terrible person, right?”

“Oh no doubt.” She agreed, feeling all along his hand and tracing each finger. “You’re worried?”

‘’I am very fine with fighting the forces of evil. And he did seem like he wanted to eat us but…” He hesitated, feeling his face heat up from Ixia’s simple act of feeling along his hand. “...but do the evils of retail truly run that deep? I’m fighting horrifying monsters but that was also just dealing with an asshole customer. It was just…”

“Wait, is that…is that something that happens at your own work?” Ixia turned her head up towards him in growing horror.

“No! No, we are expressly forbidden from killing customers. Even if they try to kill us first. Like that guy at one of our store’s sister locations who got fired after someone was trying to rob the place with a gun and he caved in his skull with a large wrench. Self-defense is expressly forbidden in the company handbook.”

Ixia reached up a hand to run along Cormac’s face, now smooth after showering and shaving for their upcoming meeting. “Ten minutes starting now?”

Cormac yawned, all the adrenaline that had been keeping him standing quickly draining and leaving him even more exhausted “I might fall asleep.”

“You need it.” She said as she snuggled closer to him and silently swore to keep the rest of the night as uneventful as possible.