A long moment of silence stretched between us. I hated the quiet and yet, I wanted it to last forever. What if Allan confirmed my fears? I would never be able to live with myself.

“I’ve never had anyone close to me die,” Allan said at last. “I can’t imagine what that feels like.” He breathed out slowly. “But before I even try to answer your question, I have to apologize to you. I’ve said so many terrible things about ghosts this whole time, not knowing that your interest in them was so personal. That was incredibly stupid of me.” His gaze was hesitant as his eyes met mine. “In spending time with you though, I’ve learned that I was wrong. They are people, as you said, and they are worthy of help.” He looked down, his forehead creasing with worry.

“The fact is,” he breathed, “I don’t know what state your mother is in. She might have found peace, but maybe she hasn’t.” He glanced down, a faint smile on his lips. “But I believe everything gets worked out. No spirit is trapped here forever. Even the angriest souls forget why they were ever angry in the first place and they move on all by themselves. If your mother is stuck here, then trust that when the time comes, she will love you and your family enough to move on.” His voice grew heavy with emotion. “And know, without a shadow of a doubt, that it was not your fault.”

I closed my eyes. I’d heard those words so many times and I’d never believed them. Hearing them from Allan though, made me think that maybe, just maybe, they were true. To my disbelief, a tearstained smile tugged at the corner of my mouth as we sat together in silence. This was just what I needed. It was such a relief to get all these feelings out in the open and have someone listen.

I opened my eyes, a new thought dawning on me.

“You know,” I said after a moment, “sitting here in the quiet is really nice, but I’d like to offer you the same thing you offered me. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, but I’m here, and I’ll listen if you want.” I met his eyes as I spoke. “Sometimes it helps to get stuff off your chest and I have a feeling that there might be a lot weighing you down.”

A strange expression crossed his face. Somehow he looked terrified and elated all at the same time. “I don’t think I’ve ever had someone I could talk to,” he whispered, “at least, not anybody who would believe me.” He leaned forward somewhat, bringing his arms back to himself. I suddenly felt cold with him no longer holding me. In the dim light, I could see him push up the long sleeve on his left arm. With his right hand, he rubbed his forearm, his thumb tracing a few thin white scars. My eyes widened when I realized what they were. I don’t know if he noticed me staring. It hit me then, that I’d never seen him wear anything with short sleeves.

He gave a half-hearted laugh. “I want to be able to talk to you,” he said, “and even though I know you’d believe me, I don’t—” He laughed again, but I noticed that his hands were shaking. “I guess I—I don’t want you to look at me the way my mom looks at me, the way my dad used to look at me.”

Turning his head, he gave me a wistful smile. “I love being a jester,” he whispered, “I really, really do. I love seeing those little kids laugh as I get a whole bucket of water dumped on my head and I love everyone I work with at The King’s Rest. I don’t want to complain, and I don’t want you to think I don’t realize how lucky I am to have the job and the life that I do, and the past few years have been so much better than before—I just—they don’t know me, you know? All my friends, all my coworkers, all the guests, they don’t know any of it. They just think I’m the goofy guy with the white hair. And they’re right, that is who I am, but they don’t know the rest. They have no idea—” His voice broke off as he gritted his teeth.

I didn’t know what to do. I’d never heard this kind of intensity in his voice before. Reaching out, I placed my hand on his back. “Allan,” I whispered, “I promise you, nothing you tell me about yourself would make me think any less of you. Seriously, it can’t be any worse than what I thought of you on that first, horrible date.” I laughed, hoping to lighten the bleak mood. “I thought you were trying to drug me! I mean, unless you confess to me that it really was more than holy water you slipped into my drink, I don’t think I’m going to judge you.”

He smiled again, but this time it didn’t reach his eyes. “When I was nine,” he began, “I was haunted by a ghost.” His voice sounded detached, like he was telling the story of someone else. “It was terrible—worse than any ghost I’ve come across since. It-it possessed me. It made me do such—” He shook his head and cleared his throat as a shudder ran through him.

“I can’t even think about it,” he choked. Burying his head in his hands, he breathed deeply for a moment. I leaned closer to him, wishing that there was something I could do to take his pain away. It was killing me to see him like this. He was always so happy, so light-hearted. How did he find the strength to be happy even with so much pain lurking underneath?

“After my experience with that spirit,” he said, lifting his head as he started again, “I began to see the dead everywhere I went. I was still just a kid; I didn’t know what was happening to me! But I was so scared that I told my parents what I was seeing. They wrote it off as imaginary friend stuff.” Allan took a shaky breath. “I started getting night terrors and they were so bad that I refused to sleep. I stopped eating too and I was getting sick all the time. My parents were worried. At first they thought it was some weird virus, but no doctors could find anything physically wrong with me.” His voice was growing louder. I felt his whole body trembling just beneath my fingertips.

“I kept telling them about what I was seeing. I told them that I was so afraid of the ghosts that I couldn’t eat or sleep and finally, my parents listened!” He smiled even as his eyes shone with tears. I had never seen a smile so bitter and sad.

“They listened to me,” he said with a choking laugh, “and they decided I was crazy! They stuck me in a children’s hospital and pumped me so full of medication that I can barely remember it. I saw a hundred different doctors, who gave me a hundred different diagnoses, with a hundred different pills. But the bottom line was always that I was crazy. No one, not even my parents, would believe me.”

Allan bowed his head, his hands getting lost in his white hair. “When I was eleven, my dad left. I don’t think he could handle it anymore. One day he was just gone and I hate him for it because he did exactly what I wish I could have done. I wish I could have just run away from my problems like he ran away from me.” There was a pause as he let out a heavy sigh.

“I was starting to believe them Jessi,” he whispered. “I was really starting to think that I was insane. Everyone told me that what I was seeing was just in my head. Didn’t so many people have to be right?” He slowly raised his head. “My life has been a long series of different hospitals with different treatments. I wanted to kill myself so many times and just be done with it all, but I saw enough ghosts to know that it wouldn’t make my problems go away.” He let out a bleak laugh. “It didn’t stop me from trying a few times though.”

He turned his gaze to me and for what felt like a full minute, I could only stare in shock. I realized that whenever I had seen Allan in the past, he’d always been animated, he’d always been happy. He wasn’t happy now. He wasn’t smiling, he wasn’t laughing. He was just staring at me. I’d never noticed how sunken his eyes were, or how dark the circles were beneath them, like he never got enough sleep. I’d always known that Allan was gangly, but until this moment, he’d never struck me as gaunt. In the shadows of the car, his white face looked more skeletal than alive.

“I’m stuck Jessi,” he said, his voice flat, “just like those ghosts. My life is a constant nightmare that I can’t wake up from. I hate it. I hate my life so much, but not nearly as much as I hate myself.”

I had to look away. There was no way I could meet his eyes and let him see just how much horror I felt. The horror was certainly not of him, but it was for him. I didn’t want him to see it in my eyes and mistake its meaning. The things he’d been through weren’t fair, but what pained me the very most was what he thought of himself. Didn’t he see how wrong he was? Didn’t he see how much joy and laughter he brought everyone? Didn’t he see how much he’d done for me?

I took a deep breath, searching for the right words to say. Like me, he probably didn’t want pity. He didn’t want to be different, or to be treated like a freak. He didn’t tell this stuff to people because he didn’t want them to be afraid of him or judge him. If he wanted to be treated like a normal person, that’s what I’d do.

“So you hate yourself,” I said, “and you hate your life. I think there are a lot of people out there who’d say the exact same thing.” I took a breath. “Maybe they have it worse than you do, and maybe they have it better. I know I used to hate my life, but then I figured that that was a waste of a life.” Glancing up, I met his eyes. “You’re a freak,” I said, “and you’re crazy. Join the club.”

Allan started at me, his eyes wide.

“I’m not saying that you haven’t gone through crap,” I said, “because you really have. I can’t even imagine it. But what I’m saying is that at some point, you have to stop hiding it. Understand that it happened, understand that it was hard, and awful, and not fair, and then move on.”

I gave him a little smile. “Make friends with the ghost that’s haunting you. Don’t let it keep ruining your life.” Glancing down, I shrugged. “I’m sorry if I’m sounding preachy or pretentious, and I know that words probably don’t mean much. When my mom died, I was so sick of all the advice that people were giving me. I just wanted to be miserable and nothing anybody said could change that. But I just want you to know that I’m here for you Allan, I’m on your side.”

Without saying a word, Allan turned toward me and wrapped me in a hug. Surprised, I hugged him back. He was holding onto me tight, so tight that I could feel him shaking. I thought that maybe he was crying, but I couldn’t be sure.

“Thank you,” I heard him whisper at last. He pulled back slightly and when I looked up at him, I could see that his eyes were wet. “I can’t tell you how terrifying this was Jessi,” he said. A teary grin lifted the corners of his mouth and he laughed. This laugh seemed different. It seemed more genuine. “I just knew that at some point, something I said was going to freak you out too much. You were going to think I was a hopeless case and you would never want to see me again. I’m so used to people shying away whenever they find out anything about me. But to have you here, and to hear you say those things—I don’t even know what to do.”

He cleared his throat and laughed again as he wiped his eyes. “I’m so sorry,” he said, his voice breaking slightly, “this is so embarrassing.” He looked down, as if trying to hide his face from me. “I’ve never been able to talk to anyone like this. Nobody wants a jester to be serious, and nobody would believe me anyways!” He shook his head.

“After I got out of the hospital this last time, I knew there was a lot I had to change. People like to be around those who smile and who are happy, so I did just that. I smiled all the time, and for a while, it was fake. I was really miserable, but I knew I had to pretend.” I could see a little smile twitch at the corner of his mouth. “As time passed though, I didn’t have to pretend as much. I made good friends who were supportive and kind and I was happy.” His smile faded. “But it’s always there, in the back of my mind—the fact that I’m different. No matter how good my life gets, I’ll never really fit in, and the people that I care about won’t really know me. I truly believed that there would never be someone I could trust enough to talk to, and that after talking to them, they’d still want to be around me.”

Leaning forward, he hugged me again. “I can’t thank you enough,” he whispered. “You have no idea what it means to me.”

My heart felt like it was going to burst as I held onto him. “You’re welcome, you sappy weirdo.”

He laughed and I could feel his chest move up and down. “That’s rich, coming from a freak like you,” he said as he leaned back against the car seat with me still in his arms.

“That’s true,” I mumbled.

With a sigh, I closed my eyes and leaned against him. It would be nice to just sit here in the quiet for a little bit before we drove back to the castle. It was strange to me, to find out that Allan was hiding so much pain, but I was glad that he opened up to me. I didn’t know what we were, if we were still just friends and ghost hunting buddies, or something more. But for now I didn’t care, because right now was perfect.

***

There was an ache in my neck and sunlight pressing against my eyelids.

“Lady Jess.” It was Greg’s voice. “I think you should open your eyes.”

My mind felt fuzzy, but groggily I did so.

“BOO!” he yelled. His face was no more than an inch from mine.

I screamed and sat up straight, my weariness gone. Where was I? Turning my head, I looked around wildly. This wasn’t my room. This was a car. There were trees outside the window.

I felt someone stir next to me.

“What the—”

Turning around, my wide eyes met Allan’s. “Oh no,” he breathed. His white hair was sticking up in all directions and the pattern of the car seat was imprinted on the side of his face.

“We stayed out all night,” I whispered. My mind reeled as it tried to wake up enough to even process what I’d just said. The sun was already up outside. There was no telling how late for work I was.

“Oh no,” Allan muttered again. He shook his head and rubbed his eyes. “Ugh, my contacts are all sticky.”

We had stayed out all night, in his mother’s car that he took without permission. My stomach twisted. His mother was my boss. I was beyond fired.

“I’m late,” I said. Clumsily, I stumbled out of the back of the car and opened the front door. As I climbed in, I saw that Allan was following suit, fumbling with his seatbelt as he started the car. He looked like he was still trying to wake up as he pulled out of the small copse of trees.

“I can’t believe we both fell asleep,” he said, sounding dazed. “I’m so sorry Jessi.”

“It’s fine,” I muttered.

“How, exactly, is it fine?” Greg interjected. He’d appeared between us. “The blade of the sword is still at the castle,” he said, “I’ve been over there and I’ve seen that your superiors are quite cross with you Jessica.”

“Thanks Greg,” I muttered, “I was having such a good time not panicking. And great job on just letting me sleep in!”

“I tried to wake you hours ago,” he responded defensively, “but you were sleeping sounder than the dead.”

“Don’t worry,” Allan said. “I’ll talk to my mom, she’ll understand. There’s no way you’ll get in trouble.”

My stomach was still tying itself in knots. “Yeah, I’m sure your mom is just going to love the girl that her son was out with all night. She’s totally going to take my side.”

Allan laughed, but he sounded nervous. “It’ll be fine.”

When we finally pulled up to the castle, Allan parked in the garage and I jumped out of the car. It took all of my self control to not run like a maniac to my room and get changed. It was too late though. They already knew I was gone so it would be useless to try and sneak in. As Allan and I walked out of the garage, we were met by his mother. She didn’t look very happy.

“Just what is going on?” Melissa asked. A few strands of her graying auburn hair had escaped her braid and added to her frazzled appearance. Though she glanced at me, most of her attention was on Allan. I was glad for that.

“Nothing bad,” Allan said with an uneasy grin. “Really, everything is fine. We’re not dead and your car isn’t crashed.”

She narrowed her eyes. “We’ll talk about this later, young man,” she said. “As for you,” she continued, turning her attention to me, “I think there are some rooms with your name on them.”

I shrunk beneath her gaze. “I’ll get on that right away.” Without another word, I ran past her, toward the entrance of the castle. Right before going inside, I glanced back behind me. Allan met my gaze and smiled. Despite everything, my stomach did an excited little flop.

Stepping inside the building, I headed to my room and got changed into my cleaning uniform. Then I ran to the second floor, got my cart out of the cleaning closet, and got to work. Greg hovered near me as I started cleaning my first room.

“How was your evening?” he asked as he gave me a sly grin.

“It was good,” I said, my voice aloof. He gave me a suggestive glance and I rolled my eyes. “Nothing happened,” I said, “honestly. We just talked for a while and fell asleep on accident.”

“You talked for a while?” he said with a teasing lilt. “If that is what you call it nowadays, then I too, talked all night long with many a fair maiden whilst I was alive.”

“Ew Greg,” I said, wrinkling my nose, “I did not need to know that.”

“And yet,” he said, “now you know it all the same.”

I laughed as I shook out a sheet and spread it over the mattress.

“Do you fancy him?” Greg asked after a moment passed.

“Sure,” I said, not meeting his gaze. “Fighting ghosts with someone makes you great pals.”

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

With a sigh, I sat down on the bed. “Last night he told me so much about himself and honestly, he turned out to be not at all what I expected.” I chewed on my lip. “Despite it all though, I think I really do like him.”

Putting my elbows against my knees, I rested my head in my hands. “He always has this happy, charismatic façade, but underneath it’s like he’s completely broken. He was so sad last night Greg!” I wrapped my arms tight around me. “I just wanted to give him a blanket and some hot chocolate and tell him everything’s going to be alright!”

“Heaven help the boy,” muttered Greg. “I am so sorry I inquired.”

I fell back on the mattress and spread my arms wide, reveling in the cool, soft sheets. “He told me that he’s never been able to talk to anyone before, the way he’s been able to talk to me.” I glanced at Greg who was floating above me. “You have no idea how irresistible that is to a girl.”

“You mean to say,” said Greg, tilting his head in confusion, “that women would find his sniveling, pathetic display more agreeable than my roughish charm?”

I shot him a glare. “What you call ‘roughish charm’ is really just thinly veiled misogyny and undead testosterone.”

Greg looked unrepentant. “I’d like to see him toss a caber.”

I laughed, but my smile faded when I thought of Allan again. “I just feel like he still keeps so much hidden. He opened up to me a little bit last night, but I really hope he knows that he can tell me anything. I don’t want him to feel like he has to be so alone.”

I sat up and Greg frowned. “I still don’t trust him,” he said. “I can’t place it, but there’s something about that boy that isn’t right. I think you’d be wise to stay away from him.”

Standing up, I walked back to my cart. “I’ll file that one right next to the time you said he gave you the creeps.” Greg’s frown deepened as I grabbed an armful of clean towels. “I hope you know that he says the same thing about you. He insists that you might be a danger to me.”

Greg shrugged as I carried the towels into the bathroom. “A danger to your fondness for him perhaps. One of these days you’ll realize that you want a real man, not a wee crying one.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, but then I saw the teasing expression on his face. “Sorry,” I said, “I’ve actually limited my dating pool to those among the living.”

“That’s rather close-minded of you,” Greg said with a laugh.

I stuck out my tongue at him and he vanished with another laugh. Despite today’s rocky beginning I was feeling good, and not even Greg’s complaining could change that. I had two friends here now, friends that I could rely on. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had that.

The day passed quickly as I cleaned. It probably had to do with the fact that I’d missed the first half of it. When I was done, I returned my cart to the closet and headed down to the great hall for dinner. As I neared the archway that led into the hall, I saw Melissa waiting there. I hoped it was just a coincidence, but then her eyes met mine. My heart leapt into my throat as she walked over to me.

“Jessica,” she said. I was surprised that she even remembered my name. “I’m sorry, but before you eat, I was wondering if I could speak to you for a moment?”

“Uh, sure,” I murmured. My voice came out in a squeak. I wasn’t really hungry anymore.