5- Bastards Culturally Appropriated Me

Dane struggled to run through the earthquake. The ground was shaking and the ceiling cracking here and there, first one building then another toppling over and smashing into the stony dirt, throwing up a shocking fog of grit and dust. In the light it didn’t look dissimilar to the fog over a cemetery late at night, the sort of thing that would certainly hold zombies.

In this case, though, it held things infinitely worse. It held vicious, man-eating teddy bears. Oh, and a giant flying serpent.

“Quetzalcoatl?” Guzman shouted out in frustrated surprise.

“What’s got your goat?” Neiderhauer asked.

She turned, her eyes wide with rage. “He was a god of my people. Those bastards culturally appropriated me!”

“Fuckin’ hell,” Neiderhauer sighed, rolling his eyes. “Your god is about to rip us to pieces, so let’s scream about that after we get the heck out of here.”

Dane swung his eagle down in an arc while the two bickered. He saw from the corner of his eye that Rivera was wearing a grin, baring metallic incisors in his trap-jaw face, and he already knew things were going to go south fast. So he needed to do something right now to get their attention. Barreling at full speed, the metallic wonder of his bird shined above them, a glow that stopped the teddy bear army and focused the rangers as well. A glow that defied all logic in its tremendous glory. A glow that stopped immediately after the sharp rigid wings of the beast decapitated its first teddy warrior.

It zoomed forward, gutting one then another. They were a first level mob, strong in numbers and weak individually. His gamble wouldn’t have worked otherwise. And it had just swept them a path out of here.

“Come on,” Dane yelled, sprinting ahead without checking to see if they were following. But by the clump of stone upon stone he could tell that he’d at least gotten the attention of Rivera. The cursing of Neiderhauer and clang of Pugh’s chainmail followed. And even though he couldn’t hear her, he knew that Guzman would be right along with the rest of them.

The teddy soldiers reacted slowly, almost certainly the victims of a failed surprise roll among the gods that ran the rules of this place. They started to hiss and growl, one making a lunge at Rivera as the rangers ran through. Ahead the teddy warriors were attempting to leap on the eagle and Dane had to pull it back out of the fight and into the air. There, unfortunately, he saw the form of the flying serpent regarding their flight with interest.

“Just keep running,” Dane yelled. A dart stuck in his neck, dealing 3 points of damage. “Ow!” he yelped. He focused on his stumpy gnome legs, begging his body not to let him fall down. If he did he would be nickel and dimed to death by the weak but numerous attacks.

And then it happened. A bola wrapped itself around his legs and he was stunned and knocked prone. He was also screwed and about to be some teddy bear’s bitch, but he didn’t see any status indicators for that. Well, he’d die then. Pugh had the treasure. They wouldn’t get the quest XPs or that stupid sword, but he’d wake up alive where they’d last slept and they’d have money again. An overall win. He closed his eyes, ready to reboot.

A demonic roar flashed them back open. Rivera was there, standing over him, kicking clusters of bears into the sky. “Get on your feet, soldier. No man left behind.”

“Hoorah,” Neiderhauer yelled, blazing fire in an arc out of his face. The damn little guys were super flammable, and all at one the mob was dispersed, screaming and fleeing in all directions.

The absence of the bears made the presence of the feathered serpent that much more obvious though. It was bobbing his head back and forth, suspended in the sky.

“You have despoiled a sacred place,” the snake muttered. Its deep and raspy voice came with the reek of death with a side of pickled onions. “The penalty is death.”

Dane got back up from his back, checking the rest of the team. They were all around him, facing outwards in a defensive circle. Guzman was standing tall and broad, her crossbow out and over the crook of her arm. Beside her was Rivera, his stony legs red with the blood of teddy bear vengeance. Then came Neiderhauer, his scales glinting dully in the light of the cavern, and next to him was Pugh, his ridiculous city guard outfit looking comical in this place of legend.

Emotion welled up inside him. “Thanks, guys,” he said, his voice heavy.

“Shove it up your asshole,” Neiderhauer replied.

Pugh cracked a chuckle. “Dude, keep your dick in your pants. Of course we wouldn’t leave a brother behind.”

The snake cocked its head. “You ignore me?”

“Get off your high horse, dickwad! We’re having a family moment here,” Guzman yelled at it. “Better yet, just swallow your own appropriated tail.”

“How many XPs do you think that thing is worth?” Rivera asked. He had that hungry look again.

Dane sighed. “Plan guys. We need to run. We can’t win against—”

“GRAAH!” the snake yelled out in pain. Rivera had grabbed a chunk of fallen building and whipped it at the beast, nailing it in the eye. Dane shook his head.

“Run!”

They took off in the general direction of the cave exit. The snake roared and followed, swimming through the air as if it were water, undulating back and forth in a way that would be hypnotic were it not for the death glistening at the front of its face. “You die!” it bellowed, lunging forward and grabbing Pugh in its jaws.

Pugh, the guy who had the treasure. If he died right now they’d lose half of it.

“Keep away!” Dane yelled, hoping beyond hope that he’d get it. The snake shook Pugh like a dog, using the motions to tear its poisonous fangs through the links of mail. But Pugh managed to get a hold of his purse, and he threw it ahead with all of his might.

“Save me some!” he screamed, the venom blazing through his body. Rivera turned back and caught it, then turned to chase after the rest of them.

“No escape,” the feathered serpent mumbled over its mouthful of Pugh. It dropped his lifeless body to the stony floor and swam after them. They were probably halfway to the exit now. Dane pumped his legs as hard as he could, his eagle sweeping over him. If he had to, he’d kamikaze his familiar down the damn thing’s throat. But the very thought put a pang in his chest. He felt soul bound to protect it for some reason.

The serpent soared upward and then dove down, stopped just an inch from the stony floor a foot in front of Rivera. “Say your—”

A stony fist smashed directly into one of its fangs. A critical for sure because the whole eight inch tooth snapped out and toppled to the dirt. With his left hand Rivera tossed the coin purse over the serpent and into Neiderhauer’s ready hands. The serpent roared and snapped Rivera up in one big bite, kicking its long body backwards to facilitate his passage into its stomach.

“Faster, everybody!” Dane yelled.

“That’s… what… she said,” Neiderhauer panted.

“Oh grow up,” Guzman added. “Here it comes.”

“Also… what… she said.”

It was astonishing how quickly the monster could end them. Already it had finished Rivera and now it was zipping about behind them, its body wagging back and forth like the tail on a golden retriever. It nipped at Neiderhauer, missing him by inches, and the dragonman threw the purse forward into the hands of Guzman, who flailed with it a bit before getting it under control. Then Neiderhauer blasted the surprised serpent with a point blank fire attack.

“Monsters!” the serpent screamed. “All of you! Monsters! Trickster thieves. Despoilers of culture. Rubes of the highest order!”

It whipped its head sideways, smashing Neiderhauer into the remains of a home. “I don’t even understand half of what you’re saying, freak,” he laugh-moaned from his place on the ground. A moment later, he was up and into the serpent’s gullet.

“Rube?” Guzman asked.

“Medieval trailer trash,” Dane panted back. They were almost there now. Just one of them had to make it. Both of their mouths fell open as the serpent seemed to read the mind and spring over them in one long coil, its destination their exit.

Opening his eagle eyes, Dane’s familiar soared up and sideways, angling through the air. He could see that the serpent’s right eye was red-veined and swollen from the rock that Rivera had thrown. Punching it, the eagle scored a slicing critical across its vast breadth. The serpent reflexively reared back, screaming.

Your familiar has dealt 3 damage.

Keep that up and you’ll have him dead in… roughly three hundred years!

“Beasts! Vermin! Ow! My eye,” the serpent screamed. Guzman light-footed across the threshold into the narrower cave from which they had reached this place, Dane a few tired steps behind her. They turned the corner and went up the incline just a few hundred feet, then slumped against the walls.

“So that was a quest, huh?” she asked.

“Yep. And we’ll have to do a lot more of them I think before we see an end to this all.”

***

Dane and Guzman creeped up the cave incline, hovering low to the ground. Dane had his familiar hugged to his chest, a protective urge swelling within him. The confines of the tunnel left the eagle open to attacks from all angles, and he wasn’t going to risk it after all it had just been through. Guzman had out her crossbow, and was keeping sharp fae eyes open to another encounter with the skeletons.

But the end of the rise and a turn to the right revealed that their caution had been for naught. Resting in pieces lie the two skeletal armies, their principales having fallen to the battle.

“Sweet,” Dane said. He moved forward, pilfering a Swift Shield from the one boss and a Necroball card from the other. In addition to all that, he retrieved a whopping fifty gold pieces and another two hundred silver.

Necroball (spell, Necromantic Aspect)

level 1

Throw a 5 x 5 foot sphere of necrotic magic up to 50 feet (normal mana cost)

2-16 damage (ignores non-magical armor)

20% chance to inflict wither on any limb struck

If you equip this card to a Core Slot, you become a Necroficer.

He put down the card, and the word Necroficer shimmered and changed into Caster. Huh.

The shield would probably be better. The pop-up read Swift Shield, uncommon non-enchanted shield, and the explanatory text read out durability, shield bash damage, it couldn’t be used by Casters, and it granted +1 Agility and +3% to dodge any attack. Not great, but certainly not nothing.

Guzman checked the regulars, scraping up odd bits of copper and silver, before the two moved onward, through the rest of the cave and out the entrance.

The sudden appearance of bright afternoon sunlight had them blinking hard, shading their faces against it. The sudden yell of their teammates had them laugh out loud. Having slept not far from the entrance to the cave, the rest of the team had awoken from death to a nice little supper of smoked squirrel and rabbit and all they’d had to do was wait for the other two to make it on out.

“I have to admit, man, I wasn’t sure you had the balls to get out of there without us,” Neiderhauer laughed, slapping Dane on the shoulder.

“What about me?” Guzman asked, smiling and pouting simultaneously.

“Lady, you got more balls than the rest of us combined,” Pugh said. He handed over a meal tin heaped with steaming rabbit and she start chewing noisily. He handed one over to Dane. Dane accepted it, giving a nod and a wide smile. This, this was alright.

And the next settlement over wouldn’t be far at all. One more night of encampment, a good bit or rest and relaxation, and they’d hit the place in the morning.

***

Dane wasn’t entirely sure how he got ambushed. One second he was wandering away from where the squad had spent half of all of their money buying absolutely enormous quantities of arrows, and the next he was surrounded.

It was probably on account of him being a little man with a gigantic, ridiculous mustache wandering into a dark alley off the main market area in the next town over. He couldn’t stand the idea that Sergeant Rivera had them using all their coin and loot to grab up ammo for their bows and crossbows. After all, Dane was literally built with crafting in mind. He could’ve taken the pelts off the weird reptile dogs they’d encountered and fashioned them into armor, but no. He could’ve taken the teeth and made them into… something. But no, those pelts were going into the communal pile for buying up every arrow and quarrel this city had to offer. Never mind that their gear had transformed into exactly what they needed. Rivera was convinced bows and arrows were the solution.

So he’d wandered off in fury, down a space between two buildings, because he’d noticed what was obviously a trap. A shiny gold coin gleamed up at him, but importantly, a toady green fellow and a lanky fae with creamsicle orange hair blocked the exits. Both were decked out in what he might call gangster ragamuffin, which was mostly faded fabric and badly sewn patches.

“Well hello there,” Toady McToadface said. “Got ourselves in a bit of a bind, we do.”

“How do you figure?”

“You seem to have entered a toll zone. A pay-to-walk-through zone, this is.”

“There didn’t appear to be any signs posted,” Dane said.

“Look, fella, you can give us whatever cards you’re carrying, you can give us the pack on your back, or you can die and leave half your inventory right here. Choice is yours.”

“That’s a pretty hefty toll,” he said, and unslung the pack. Okay, well, hopefully… hopefully he could get out of all of this without having to pay anything. He opened the clasps and told his brass eagle to get some air. It launched itself into the air, and in the meantime, he swung the carrying case around by its carrying strap and caught the fae in the hip.

You’ve dealt this fellow 2 damage.

Hang onto your butt.

The guy with the creamsicle hair stared down at him in confusion for a second before a smile started creeping over his face. He grabbed Dane by the his shirt and gave him a good teeth-rattling shake.

“Two damage, eh? That all you got?”

“I wasn’t really expecting to do much,” he said, and heard someone shout from the market square. A second later the fae turned and got a face full of sword, courtesy of the eagle’s claws.

Your familiar has dealt 5 damage.

That’s a bit more like it!

The fae cried out, but still managed to slice Dane across one arm and deal him 8 damage. He fell to the ground and took a boot to the head, smacking him against the alley wall for 6 more damage, which definitely wasn’t good. From 35 down to 21 in the space of two hits. And when he got the cobwebs cleared out of his head, Toady was staring down at him, and sliding a second pair of brass knuckles onto his other hand.

Beyond him, he heard a crash and clank of metal on metal. His brass eagle was backing the fae deeper into the alley by swinging a sword to and fro.

“I’m going to enjoy taking that eagle off your dead body,” Toady hissed, and his hand flashed a second later. Dane took another 10 damage, bringing him to 11 remaining, but several things happened at once. First of all, the fae with the faintly orange hair tripped over him and thudded into McToadface, dealing Dane another 2 damage from being stepped on, but also an arrow thudded itself into the fae’s shoulder and he screamed out. He started swearing, stumbled again, and bolted for it. Another arrow landed in his back a second later, the same moment McToadface’s chest sprouted an arrow.

He too spun and made a run for it, and collected an arrow right in the butt cheek for his trouble. The fae disappeared around the corner a second later, followed closely by the green guy.

Dane turned his bloody, pained face toward the market area, and found Guzman and Niederhauer frowning in his direction.

“You gotta stick close, Pogue,” Niederhauer said. “Cost us four arrows already.”

Guzman helped him up. “You send the eagle over to the weaponsmith to grab the sword?”

“And get your attention,” Dane said. His lip was already swelling.

She smiled at him. “Good work. But next time, you need a chaperone.”

He nodded. “Don’t split the party. Got it.”

Sergeant Rivera took one look at him and just shook his head. Pugh suggested going after the two criminals, given that he was officially a Guardsman, but nobody liked this idea. Rivera wanted to honor Daniels and stay on mission. Through a bit of forest, they came upon the site of a nasty battle and several gigantic crocodile things cannibalizing one of their own. A long detour around these brought them into a different kind of danger in the form of carnivorous trap plants. Pugh suddenly disappeared into a hole in the leaves and that would’ve been the end of him, except that Rivera pounced on the plant’s lid before it could slam shut and leave him down there in a pool of digestive acid.

With a bit of quick thinking, Dane flew a rope down to Corporal Pugh and Guzman pulled him up, while Rivera and Niederhauer struggled to keep the lid from closing. The rope started to be eaten, too, but Rivera used his golem body to ensure it wouldn’t rub against the acidic sides of the plant. Then they stabbed the thing with their swords and axes and daggers until finally receiving some xp and loot.

They came upon a dire cottonmouth after that, a snake nearly forty feet long and two feet wide, with a head the size of a large carry-on luggage. They used basically all their arrows, and Niederhauer’s fire breath on the thing, and finally killed it. Luckily they all leveled up, because their HP were reset when they reached level 2. Dane healed up completely from 9 HP, Pugh had taken acid burns over most of his lower half from the Pitcher Trap, and Rivera healed up from being repeatedly bitten by a giant snake. Luckily he was immune to poison.