The Zombie principale snarled at the rangers but didn’t move past his sparking protective barrier. And they didn’t bother striking him. Skirting around the undead monster, they continued their push down and down into the earth. The dirt around them got stonier and mustier, thin lines of glowing fungus streaking over and around them.

It was actually quite pleasant. At least until the click and clatter of walking bones began to echo down from behind them.

Unfortunately, the principale had begun to follow. Bathed in the light of his shield and holding onto the pennant of his legion, he trudged on after them. In front of him came the skeletons, once again complete, with more and more crawling out from every place imaginable as they pushed in for the kill.

And the rest of the guys couldn’t be happier.

“Woohoo!” Neiderhauer yelled, pegging and cracking the skull and watching it clatter to the ground. “These skeletors are frickin tight.”

Dane sighed.

“Dudes keep coming and we keep getting XPs, right?”

They wouldn’t know until the battle was done, but Dane had a feeling that wouldn’t be the case. Probably the whole XP total for the encounter was the big bad and his twelve guards and they’d just been too stupid to figure out the weak spot.

If they just hadn’t charged past. Dane needed a minute, that’s all. Just a minute. And they all decided to push in and get back to the mission. As if there were an actual target at the end of this single-path cave. They were so damn stubborn and he half-expected that they were doing it just to piss him off.

A metallic glare from Rivera told him otherwise though. They were just on the move and looking for a fast way forward.

“Hey Dane, you figure out a way to take out the big baddie yet without us chopping ourselves to bits?” Neiderhauer asked.

“I would have thought taking the pennant. I mean, I don’t see any other way? But Rivera tried. We all saw him try.”

Rivera was keeping up melee on the rear, with the rest right back to using missile weapons despite an obvious half damage stat from piercing weapons on the skeletons. It was as if none of them had ever played a good tabletop RPG. But old Ranger habits died hard and they just felt weird in close quarters. He knew that too. These guys did target practice every day of the week, probably.

Luckily with these low-level mobs it didn’t seem to matter much. They were still going, still smashing, and still quite healthy. A thought flashed through his mind.

“Is there any reason, with all of these numbers, that they don’t just swarm us? Look at them, they form ranks and shove at us, we sweep their rank, then the next rank comes at us and shoves us again. Same old, same old. It’s, well, it’s too easy.”

Guzman popped a torch next to him, her old one guttering out from overuse. The cramped tunnel flared with brilliant orange light before fading to its normal constant medium. It reminded Dane of his high school days, sparking up a campfire in the dusk, hanging out with his friends in the woods. The good ol’ days.

With the light renewed, he gazed out over the hordes of undead. There was no reason that they just didn’t swarm Dane and the squad. Nothing that made sense. They just kept rising every time the big boss flashed his magic, so that wasn’t a problem. The big bad’s hold limit seemed to max at a hundred and that was enough to keep them from getting too close. He felt a twitch of a headache threatening to overtake him and turned his head away from the fight. Then screamed.

Marching up front from the dark depths of their destination came ranks of zombies, clad in piecemeal armor and tattooed all over in the faded remnants of festive blue and white.

“Neiderhauer, get those flames ready,” Rivera bellowed. “We’ve got enemy on the front!”

“I thought that was the rear, sergeant?” Neiderhauer yelled, swapping to melee with a grimace on his draconian face.

“A rear on both ends, I love it,” Pugh laughed. His crossbow bucked in his hands, another bolt flying out into the skeletal horde.

The skeletons stopped. On the other end, the zombies stopped as well. And Dane swore. “Back up to the walls. That damn principale or whatever was just pushing us forward in some sort of turf war. I think these guys are enemies!”

Everyone looked at Rivera and Rivera looked at Dane.

“Right, right, okay, so here’s what I’m thinking. Sergeant Rivera, smash a hole through those zombies. If there’s a weird guy with a shield around him, don’t go making him angry. Everyone, plan B, we run past all of these dicks and let them fight without us.”

Rivera turned and charged, no pause in his step, not even a word to acknowledge the order. Zombies blasted out to the sides and the rest all ran through, Dane cursing under his breath. Behind them they heard the clatter of skeletal feet on the ground. The enemy commander was taking advantage of this surprise attack and pushing it to his real enemy.

The soldiers zipped past the mobs and the marching zombie principale with no problem, making their way to the end of the straightway. The tunnel ended, but there was a hole to the side and through it, a large and expansive cavern.

“Paper rock scissors?” Neiderhauer asked Pugh. The man sighed.

***

“Dane,” Rivera commanded, “get your bird through this hole and see what the heck is in there waiting for us.”

His mechanical companion was up and out in a jiffy, flying through and sharing the sights with his master. Dane’s eyes flashed then shined pale yellow as they connected to the beast. The cavern ceiling was high, he sensed, and below the ground was even. But his familiar’s dark vision was limited and so he coaxed it down, aiming to keep at the maximum limit between height and surface.

“Broken statues. Abandoned buildings. A few craters in the ground.” Dane intoned what he saw, the soldiers all clustered around, eyes wide and interested. “Some sort of mold all over the place.”

“Sounds like your mom’s house,” Pugh laughed. Rivera glared and he shut up.

“There was a stone wall, but it’s full of holes and collapsed in sections. It looks like a long time ago something big punched right through these gates because it’s all twisted iron now. And, a building without any damage? What the heck? Moving in.”

Dane rolled the eagle down to land at the entrance to the building. The door was still there, and it glowed dark purple, so dark that it was only noticeable close up. His eagle ears heard the rustle of cloth and without needing any prompt the eagle was airborne once more. Just in time as well, since he dimly saw the small rat-sized figures of teddy bears swarm the position they’d just been.

“Um, hostile contact. Eagle’s come back. And let me tell you, those mobs out there. They’re weird.”

“Explain weird, Dane.”

“Teddy bears. With weapons.”

Rivera didn’t flinch. “Roger that. Men. Guzman. Fan out and set up a perimeter. Let’s risk assess the situation before we move forward again.”

The soldiers rolled into the cavern and spread out, each of them finding a bit of rubble at which to go prone. Dane duck walked over to his own piece of concealment, marveling at how addicted the soldiers were to the rules of long-distance warfare. This was a land of swords. Well, swords AND sorcery, he admitted. Nonetheless, all of their instincts and training seemed a bit overboard in these circumstances.

“Rivera, how are things looking over on your end?” Neiderhauer yelled, no more pretense at stealth. Things were changing some. But not a lot. They still had that First Person Shooter mentality to them. They still didn’t pay attention to the cards and strategize off of their unique abilities.

“Not so good. I thought I’d be tearing apart teddy monsters by now.”

They all heard Pugh crack up. “You have a problem there, Corporal?” Rivera asked, an angry tinge to his voice.

“Not me, Sergeant. Better check on Dane, though. Bet he’s pissing his pants about now.”

Dane shook his head, recognizing the bait. He could come back later with something of his own, but right now they had far more pressing matters to attend too.

“Dane, you’re too quiet. What’s your sit-rep?” Rivera asked.

“Just flying the golden eagle sir. The teddy monsters are just milling about and staying in the same area.”

He zoomed again through the air, his mind and focus splitting into two uniquely equal parts, watching through the gem eyes of his metal and mechanical bird. The teddy monsters weren’t constructs like he’d first expected. They were bipedal humanoids that stood a foot and a half tall. Some of them carried long spears with them, which made sense given their otherwise limited reach. Those didn’t worry him. But some others wandered with a faint sky-blue glow in their otherwise coal-black eyes, and that glow spread and pulsed throughout their bodies. It made him think of wind and air, and he bet that engagement with this horde would end up with them all getting picked up and dumped by tornadoes over and over again. He shuddered and wondered if he was about to learn what it felt like to die. The eagle soared past, scouting for ways around the mess that would result in their massacre.

“This is taking too long,” Rivera rumbled from his stony throat. “I need some action.”

He had flown to the western edge of the cavern and saw nothing more than slight patches of glowing moss. The teddy monsters were well far away. Good. The eagle flew back, tracing out a path for them to follow. Nothing on the way. The coast was clear.

“Sergeant, I found a path. Zero violence, no need to die. We can be up and through in no time. If we just head as far west as we can go, then skirt forward, we’ll miss the monsters entirely.”

A drip of water punctuated the silence following his words. “Alright everyone. You heard the man. Pack it up and move out. Westward march, ten foot intervals.”

“Double-time?” Guzman asked. Dane cringed at the thought of them all clinging and clanging through the cavern at a jog.

“Negative,” Rivera responded. “We’ll save the running for when something big finds us.”

Neiderhauer, Pugh and Guzman barked laughs, but Rivera stayed silent. Dane cast a glance through the gloom to meet the stony giant’s figure. The sarge was losing himself to this place.

***

The scrape and muted clank of medieval figures rising pulled Dane out of his reverie and he got into their slapdash formation, single file, each setting off to the west like some star-eyed pioneer from the olden days. They said nothing as they went, each no doubt as nervous as he was. If he was with his buds he’d be chattering and talking it out, but he had a feeling that this would just earn him more ire and scorn with his present company.

An hour passed and then they were there. A good mile, Dane estimated, as they turned and followed the wall forward. Pushing straight and narrow, the soldiers kept their eyes over to their right flank, waiting for little teddy warriors to approach.

They were quite surprised when, instead, the wall to their left cracked and opened.

Within stood three large beasts, all mandibles and chitinous armor. Dane tried to appraise them.

Rock Rollers

Level ??? elementals

They have strong and sturdy hands

More knowledge is unavailable at this time. Why not increase your Perception or Insight?

“. . . battle positions people!” he heard, interwoven with the roar of the beasts. And then Rivera clumped past him, smashing out with both of his stony fists into the open maw of the middle one. It lurched backwards and yet he wasn’t shaken. Instead the thing made chitinous cracking noise and quivered strangely. Its companions skittered backwards to regard this strange threat and Dane stared in horror as he realized that Rivera was tearing its head in half from the inside. A few moments passed, his eyes wide open, before the head tore in two and sprayed insectoid ichor in both all over the place.

“Yeeaaaahhhh! You want some? Get some!” Rivera yelled. His voice was amplified by the hollow from which the bugs had spawned, and Dane shivered to think that he might be heard by the teddy hordes now directly across the cavern from them.

A crossbow bolt smashed into a second bug and it skittered back even further. Dane sent his eagle screaming through, clipping it from above and detaching its head from its body. This was easy!

“Sergeant, there’s gonna be some trouble. We need to get moving, now!” Guzman called from the rear. Dane turned away from the site of Rivera crazily tearing into the last of the bugs, and saw that Guzman was lit head to toe with a red-purple outline.

“That looks like you got tagged!” Pugh called. “Sergeant, there’s another something here getting ready to fight us some more, or the teddy warriors done found us.”

“Loot then run,” Rivera growled. “We’ve got places to be.” Dane swung the eagle back out to do some recon, and saw that the teddy warriors were on the march in their direction.

“Contact, evil teddy bears, coming from the east!”

“Shouldn’t you say three o’clock Dane Goddamnit? I swear, you pogues and your weird civilian language.” There was a laugh to the words, but Niederhauer sounded just a tad nervous.

Dane had the eagle circling over them as they traveled as quickly as they could out of the area. Guzman went dark ten minutes in, but they continued forward, unable to trust the place. The ground changed as they moved, a hard tepan changing to the light frosting cover of shifting silt and sand. If it weren’t for the mobs covering over the place, Dane would have liked to explore here. He could feel them passing so much narrative history, so many artifacts into some strange and fallen non-Earth culture.

It was then that Dane felt a strange pull, a feeling best described as a red dot on a mini-map. The strange sort of augury that couldn’t be properly explained afterwards. His eyes flitted over, and he saw the rest of them were doing the same. It was the quest, it had to be.

“You all feel that?” Dane asked.

Rivera shifted uneasily. “It feels like destiny.”

Dane nodded. A good way to put it. “It’s the object of our quest I think. If we go there we will find a big boss, henchmen, and a pile of treasure.”

“And this dimension or whatever, it is just shooting up a big ole’ signal flare to show us where it is at?” Neiderhauer asked.

Dane swallowed. “Yeah. In a lot of the isometric RPGs they tell you exactly where to go to complete your quest. I imagine with all of the game stuff going on here that this isn’t that different.”

“Too much talking. Not enough going. Move out!” Rivera yelled. His metal head bobbed atop his stone body as he broke into a loping run. The rest of them shared a look and took off after him.

The party charged through the dusty dark ruins of the city, their former pursuit forgotten in the nearness of their quest’s end. Up and over a small hill, around to the left, past two blocks of ghostly, barren hovels, they found themselves in front of their destination. It was a bank. A modern bank but stripped of its modern accouterments and converted over to serve as an object from long ago. It felt lazy, somehow. Slipshod and unpolished.

“So, what, we go in, grab a sack with a money sign on it, and vamoose? Mission accomplished?” Pugh asked.

Dane shrugged. There really were a million ways this could go from here. Maybe they’d enter and fight a boss, then take his treasure. Maybe they’d enter and find out the draw that they had been feeling had nothing to do with this dimension or whatever and was instead the proddings of a carnivorous plant with a psychic mind. There was no way to be certain other than to just enter the building.

He stepped forward — then Rivera charged past. A split second later there came the twang of crossbows, and a volley of quarrels launched down toward them, most splintering against Rivera’s hard body.

“Found the boss battle,” Rivera growled. Dane stood open-mouthed, watching as a man’s head flew from his shoulders in a shower of blood. A critical hit, or was Rivera just that damn bad-ass? Around him everyone rolled and dove into places of concealment, pulling out their own crossbows to counterattack.

“Pugh, get up there and flank Rivera. He’s going to need melee support,” Dane yelled.

“Do it yourself, Just Dane. I’ve got stuff to do here.”

Dane shook his head and sighed, then focused on his eagle, allowing himself to merge with it and take control. There wasn’t much he could see from here. A second later there was a mighty flash and his eyes were full of purple spots. Dane distantly heard the others cursing. What the hell? He focused through the eagle’s eyes and saw that a series of large stones in the ceiling had come alive, some arcane fantasy world equivalent of street lights. And he could also see why. Their enemies were human, opponents who couldn’t see so well in the dark. But what the heck were they doing here? And were they earth humans?

A quarrel struck his shoulder. 5 points of damage. Fuck, he’d have to move away. He took one more blurry overhead view of the battlefield, saw nothing of importance, and zipped back into himself.

From here his vantage was much better. He saw a strewn mess of broken bodies and his squad mates advancing in a high crawl while Rivera stood tall, roaring, slapping the face off of a screaming and broken-limbed man.

“Forward!” Rivera yelled. He got up to his feet along with the rest of the rangers and they loped forward. Dane saw that Rivera was cracked and bleeding an oily-like ichor from several places. But the man either didn’t notice or didn’t care. His face was set into a fearsome grimace and Dane decided it might be a good tactical decision to keep a bit of distance from his teammate.

They charged through the marble of the lobby, battled a series of panicked guards in the next room over, then faced down the round door of a modern bank vault. One that was slightly open. Rivera took no time flinging it open, revealing a lot of junk, but also a single glowing chest.

“Hell yeah,” Neiderhauer laughed.

Pugh rushed passed them all to grab the lip of the lid. “Finder’s keepers,” he said, blowing them a kissy face.

He flipped open the lid and laughed again. “One thousand gold pieces, bitches.”

Neiderhauer slapped a high five with Guzman, and Dane looked for a hand of his own, backing down when he realized it would be the shovel-sized meat tenderizer known as Rivera’s right palm.

“So what do we do now?” Guzman asked

A wild howl echoed through the lost city.

“We get the hell out of here,” Dane said, trembling anew.