- Tell me what's going on in three sentences or less.

- Guards barged in, saying they have information that a thuggish-looking man and his elf slave are in the building and they are going to arrest them. Landlady, her husband, and several lodgers are currently stalling the guards, but they wouldn't hold out for long. We need to go, now.

I send a doubtful look to the touchy-feely aging couple - if all of this is true, then why exactly are they and everyone else helping us, literally risking their necks when they could just rat us out and merrily carry on with their lives? Sure, we got to know each other on a very shallow level across the last week, but it's not like we grew all buddy-buddy with each other. Ah, whatever. No time to waste at the moment.

I slightly open the door and look down on the first floor. Yep, a boatload of armed gendarmes. And unlike de Funès, these seem highly capable and very unhappy.

I quickly throw on some clothes on my bare ass and notice something weird on my arm - there's a black mark on my ring finger, looks like a ring made of bramble. Did I get drunk and fall asleep in a tattoo parlor or something? Can't really remember... Crud, I can hear the stairs creaking, no time to lose on contemplating.

Putting on a pair of pants and boots, I chuck armor and the rest of the clothes down Husk's gob, make him shrink to the point where he can be somehow barely stuffed into my pocket and slam the wooden window open.

- Thanks for the assist, folks! Drinks on me if we ever meet again. Kid, get your rear in gear and let's bounce, chop-chop!

There's no convenient scaffolding so we have to use the flimsy-looking rain drain pipe to clamber down onto the street, collecting stares from the passers-by. Thankfully, I'm looking more like a cheating wife's lover, running away from her husband who suddenly returned home, than a thief. Otherwise people would undoubtedly shout and calls for coppers instead of casually observing us.

We dive into the back alleys and leg it in the direction opposite to the inn. Anywhere is fine at this juncture.

...

- Honey, do you think they will be alright?

- I'm sure of it. That chap seems pretty resourceful to me, they should somehow make it. It would be sad if our little matchmakers got caught here.

____________________________________________________________________________

As we ran, I hurriedly put my gear on and thought of what to do next. My first impulse was to make it to the slums and lay low there, but that's definitely the worst possible scenario after "voluntary going to the station and turning yourself in" - they'll definitely shakedown the place as it's the most obvious spot to hide. Main gates - the only conventional exits known to public - are also out of the question. Not knowing why exactly we are being searched for doesn't help at all too.

We turn round the corner and bump right into a young-looking guard who is nailing wanted posters to the wall. Our "portraits" are complete hogwash and don't look like us at all - doesn't seem like there are plenty of people who know how to draw around these parts. Still, just the description easily gives us away - the guy slowly looks back and forth between us and the posters he's holding with an incredulous face.

Okay, easy now. This time I wouldn't bruteforce the situation and resolve it peacefully like a responsible adult. A little persuasion and a not-so-little bribe should do the magic. Let's just...

Before I say do anything a shadow darts by and the guy doubles over from a vicious hook to the gut, then receives a finisher elbow strike to the back of the head and splays on the ground. Amelia looks up to me with a jaunty smile, her arms on her waist, face beaming with a "are you proud of me yet?" expression.

We're fucked.

I've got no idea what claims and what dirt they've got on us, but after such blatant manhandling of a guard on duty in broad daylight, with him seeing our faces prior to that no less... No choice but to pack our little shitshow and leave for another country with the circus, leaving the clowns behind. And the most obnoxious thing is that I can't even be mad at her - she's at an impressionable age and I'm not exactly the best role model. I'm afraid I might've created a monster with my own two hands.

- Did I do something...wrong?

She looks sheepishly at me with great unease. Sigh.

- 'tis okay, nice combo. Be a tad more gentle next time though, okay? It wouldn't be funny if you accidentally killed a guard on duty - I've got no desire to face the music just yet.

After pulling the unconscious body into a dark corner, stacking some random crap like discarded planks on top and giving minimal magic treatment to make sure he doesn't go croak from internal bleeding , we make our way towards the city wall. Most men are closely watching the gates or scouring the city right now, which leaves holes in security across the wall itself. With very little effort I burrow under the wall, then get rid of the tunnel by returning the soil back. The only dead giveaway are two circular patches of land with no grass on them, but that's not a problem as long as the other side doesn't know I can use earth magic.

...

The rest of the day was hectic, as we needed to get as far away as possible, while avoiding the roads and masking any traces that we left. Thank flying spaghetti monster for earth magic that can be conveniently used to remove the footprints with zero to none cost, I can't believe nobody thought of that before. From Saria's experiences and memories I can see that mages are mostly seen as unconventional and dangerous war potential and nothing else - most of the ways I've been using the stuff seem to be unknown. Let's keep it that way and don't spread the good word, it feels comforting to have a trump card or ten up your sleeve at all times.

As night encroaches upon the forest, I nick Blink from Medrek. Can't help but rub my palms in anticipation - teleportation! A man's dream! If this doesn't count as man's romance, then I don't know what does.

- Master, you look surprisingly happy. I'm glad are you feeling well, but... Is everything alright?

- What are you talking about, I'm happier than a pig under an oak tree right now and for a good reason. Watch this shit!

I teleport in an instant several meters away, then regurgitate the contents of my stomach on the floor and fall stiff on the ground with my limbs paralyzed. I want a refund, give my charge back.

As I lay on Amelia's lap and receive treatment, I contemplate on what the hell just happened and how to counteract it. This led to a theory, which got proved soon: a) Blink strictly requires internal mana, you can't just cheese the system by using mana permeating in the air (exactly what I was doing all this time), b) if mana in your body runs out - you are screwed; say hello to weakness, nausea, headaches and a couple more fun activities, c) I've got next to none in terms of max mana, as I got transported fairly recently and my body is still not accustomed enough to it to generate its own blend. And anyway, what organ exactly is responsible for generating it? They don't teach you such things in school, don't they.

Let's try again tomorrow, after I've borrowed Manafont from the ol' skelly.

◇

Today was fairly uneventful, if we don't count the sufficient progress on understanding and (hopefully/eventually) mastering blinking around.

After suffering greatly through repeated one-time usage of the skill followed with several minutes spent recuperating with mana trickling back, MP Up suddenly popped up out of nowhere - a welcome addition. My guess for it not showing long prior to this is (most probably) me cheating by using the gaseous mana instead of my own. Better late than never.

After a day of painful grinding I finally arrive to the point where I can use it once, only feeling slightly sick and uncomfortable. I guess I can count it as a win? The effective range is about ~4meters, give or take. The real limit is possibly higher, but something tells me I'll straight up drop dead with no take backs if I try it now. Better not push my luck here, I know better than pissing off laws of physics with no tangible reason for that.

My everything hurts and I don't feel like keeping watch at night; making kid stay up all night and march on the following day seems unreasonable too. In my eureka moment I tried to make a zombie rabbit, but... It's dumb. Very, very dumb. Very cute, I give it that, but clearly incapable of understanding complex commands like "wake me up if something dangerous approaches". Letting the glass-eyed fluffbun run off into the wild to face the brave new unlife, I settle for the age-old trick of climbing on a tree and napping there. This way the worst thing we could encounter are snakes and ticks (which apparently don't even exist in either these parts or the whole world entirely. And good riddance).

Would you look at that, that tree looks mighty comfortable - as if it's branches were specifically made for just that. How convenient!

Before kicking off to sleep I decide to check out that new tab for subordinates that I completely glanced over last time. Yep, there's sure more to it on closer inspection.

"Locate" allows to feel the very general direction on where the target is. Doesn't tell you the exact location or distance or anything, but at the very least it is possible to track the person down with enough time and effort - you could probably find a person who is on another continent if you are willing to spend several years on that.

It is also one-way thing and two-way location is locked by default. I take down the restriction for Amelia and Lieutenant, then ask if she could feel my position. After some fumbling she gets a hang of it.

...why are you so happy and what's up with the creepy giggling? Let's just shut off the connection with her for now, I feel it's for the best.

Next is "Message". And unlike Erde's chat function, this seems to be voice-only. Let's see.

- [Lieutenant, it's me. Do you copy? Over.]

- [Awooooo?!]

- [Looks like you haven't kicked the bucket while I was away, good for you. Want to hang out?]

- [Woof!]

- [Cool. I'll send you a signal that you can trace at any moment - grab your fluffy gang and follow it, you'll eventually find me. Might take you a couple weeks though, so don't get too overenthusiastic and rush it. I doubt I'll be returning to this country, so clean house and grab all your stuff. If you have any, of course.]

- [Rrrrrar~❤]

- [See you later then.]

I cut off the line. Let's take tomorrow slow.

◇

...the tree is moving.

I analyze it and it turns out to be a creature of the treefolk tribe. In other words - an ent, but without legal pressure from those WB blokes.

- Greetings, hume. Did I wake you up? My apologies.

- Sup. No worries, your moss...hair...thing?...is very soft - slept like a newborn baby.

- Ohoho, I see, I see. Good to hear.

- ...

- ...

- Mind letting me down?

- My apologies, Queen awaits - we can't make her wait, hume. Even if you are the guest of honor.

- That's all fine and dandy, but I really need to take a leak. You don't want any of that very salty piss in your bushy hair, do you now? You just might grow bald from that~

- ...just don't take long.

He stops in his tracks. Nice, time to leg it.

I stuff Husk in my pocket, shake Amelia awake, haul her over the shoulder like a sack of potatoes and blink to the ground, then attempt to sneak away.

- Are you done yet? Hey, wait a minute... Where are you going, stop!

- Master, why are we running? Also, I can run by myself! Put me down!

- Oh yeah?! How about you shake your sleepy ass awake and take a look behind?!

Girl quizzically raises her head and what she sees is...

A huge treeman clumsily sprinting towards them, shaking the earth it tramples upon, hollow serving as a mouth crooked from overexertion, dirty yellow tree sap tears spurting from the wooden eyes.

- GYAAAAAH!!! RUN!

- I'm already doing that, you moron!

- THEN RUN FASTER!

Thumpthumpthumpthump.

- Waaaaait for meeeee!

- KYAAAAAH!!! STAY AWAY! Run into the Forrest, run!

We run fast and far until we arrive to a cliff. I look left and right, there's really nowhere left to run.

- This is the trail's end, Bonny. We can only jump down together now.

- Double suicide, so romantic!

- Amelia...

- Kain...

- Wheeze...wheeze... Are you two done yet?!

- Wait, you are still here? What do you want from us anyway, shrubbeard?

- Cough...wheeze... Hume! You saved a fairy back at the settlement of humes like you, did you not? Our Queen wishes to see you.

- Okay, cool. I don't wanna. Royalty are quick to add me to their shit list the moment I open my mouth, it would be best for all of us if we limited our correspondence to a congratulatory postcard - send me one of those and we're square.

The old treeman falls on his knees and wails, viscous tree sap making a huge puddle. Amelia hides behind me with a disgusted (>..<") -face. Can't say I don't understand, it does look like... I'd rather not finish that thought, gross. If this was filmed, I'm sure the Mystery Substance X would be covered in pixelated mosaic.

- Jesus, fine. I get it. Act your age, geezer.

- Then you'll?!

- Yeah-yeah, right. I'm a busy man though - one leg here, one leg there. Figuratively, of course. Don't expect me to stay for the night.

Although this sound sketchy as all hell, my damn curiosity flared up again - I just can't peel myself off this exploration crap even though I know it's going to bite me in the arse later. It always does.

Upon arrival I noticed the prevalent residents of this little (literally and literally. Also literally. Literally too.) village - tiny koropokkurs scurrying around, complete with bright and colorful clothes, squeaky voices, leaf umbrellas and houses made in the soil, roots, big mushrooms... Wait, is that family living in a normal sized boot? And that guy just climbed out of a travel bag? I'm already feeling the red flags rising all over this.

- Amelia, be ready to trash and torch this entire place if I give the signal, don't let your guard down.

- Oh really? Are you afraid of tiny forest people, master?~

- Don't get too ballsy just because you finally found someone smaller than you, pipsqueak.

She tries to step on my foot, but I lightly dodge and counter by pulling on her ear.

- Hauuu!

- Don't underestimate them just because they are tiny. The most vicious and/or venomous creatures are the smallest, I'd rather go mano e mano with a mako shark than try to fight off a swarm of piranhas. Keep your eyes peeled.

We were led to a long table supposedly reserved for feasts and celebrations - another batch of red flags, as it seems to be made quite recently and the size is normal, even though the villagers are all either tiny or huge. Eh, whatever they've prepared, I'd rather meet it head-on here and now in the middle of the enemy nest, than suffer from guerilla warfare as long as we stay in this forest which should be their home grounds.

After we got seated, the circus started - with great aplomb a green haired woman sat on the other end of the table, residents of the settlement falling on their knees, saluting, shouting. A dryad, innit? Weirdly enough, she is nameless like all the others - makes me wonder how exactly they communicate among themselves. Let's just call her woodtits(temp) for now.

She harps on about what a great guy I am, showers us with empty praises, etc., etc. - reminds me of that feller from the castle that spilled his guts to the "mighty heroes" on Day 1. At a certain point I even suddenly received Charm Resistance skill - I guess she tried to apply magic to her voice to be more persuasive? Can't say that I felt anything in particular either way, as I was highly skeptical from the onset. Going out of your way to hunt down a person who casually helped one of your minions, then throwing down a banquet with no ulterior motives? We aren't in a fairytale for children, nothing is ever so innocent and convenient.

The food that was served to us had a restaurant-level presentation. Let's see... No poison, no drugs either. Maybe there are parasitic spores that affect the mind mixed in?

As I poke around the salad, Amelia scarfs everything down without even raising a brow. Seriously? What did I tell you about receiving food from strangers?

After observing her for a couple minutes and not noticing any symptoms, I also dig in. Not bad, I guess.

With the foreplay out of the way, dryad finally makes her move.

- You must be weary from all the travels, please spend the night here with us.

- Whoa there, my sweet plum, hold your horses. Many thanks for the offer, but we are outta here.

- No-no, you should definitely stay. We will take good care of you...

- Can you possibly be any more obvious? You sound like a third rate slasher villain right now.

One of the treemen took those word too close to heart and approaches with a menacing face. Or whatever that bulbous thing is supposed to be.

- Husk, give me a hatchet.

Time to chop some wood.

- Sir, please stop! If there was something in my words that offended you, I deeply apologize. I beg you to stay your hand and spare him.

- If that's how it is, then drop the act and start talking.

- I'm not sure what you are talking about?...

- Oh please, enough of that. Let me tell you how I see the situation we're in. a) you are actually good natured folks and I'm being a paranoid dick for no reason. But I'd rather be a dick than be dead, and chances of this being true are next to none. b) you'll try to off us in our sleep, highly possible scenario. c) you want something done, there's some dangerous problem that you can't or don't want to resolve yourself and need a sacrificial lamb to send on the chopping block instead of yourselves. In that case I'm open to negotiations.

- Well... To be honest, there is something that plagues our settlement, but...

- Not another word. How much are you willing to give?

- You wouldn't ask what the task is first?

- If you can't muster an appropriate award, then I'm not even going to listen. Go find yourself a bright-eyed idealist if you want a free labor force.

- Then I'm willing to give everything we have, even my body.

- Keep that to yourself, I can always rent a hooker for a couple coppers to get my Django unleashed if I want to. Not really keen on risking my neck just to sweat for an hour after the fact.

Another treeman snaps but immediately stops in his tracks as a flying hatchet's blade sticks into the ground next to his leg.

- In that case I'll give you the most valuable thing we have. I'm positive there are a lot of humes that would kill just to possess it.

- That's not really saying much - I once heard of a junkie who killed an old lady for a couple pounds. But fine, I guess that's a fair trade. What's the job you want me to do?

- There's a horrible creature that turned our village into its personal hunting grounds - it keeps assaulting us under the cover of night and snatching koropokkurs to its den.

- I see, it must be small then if it's fine with such small prey. Why don't you deal with it yourself then?

- I'm saddened to admit this, but our tree guards are just too slow and clumsy to catch it.

Sounds reasonable.

- Hunts at night, you say? Then it must be in its den right now since the sun's up?

- Yes, I'm sure of it.

- Consider it done and prepare the payment. And yeah, a guide would be nice.

...

Little fairy immediately leaves as we arrive to the place. World must be a scary place when you are so small, eh.

The den looks imposing on the outside - entrance huge enough for a bear or a tiger to fit into, there are bones everywhere, half-rotten carcasses of deer, human weapons snapped in two... Were we set up? Time to leave then, I'm not willing to risk it.

A tiny bunny hops out from the darkness of the cave, stops some eight meters away from us and stares.

- Awww, so cuuute!

Amelia almost runs off towards it, but I stop her with a shaking hand.

- Master?

Why is this thing here?

Lord have mercy.

There must be a way to deal with it. Think. Think. Right. I've got to try it.

I imagine gathering a ball of light in my palm, then throw it at the hellish spawn. It explodes spectacularly into a sea of light. Did it work?

The beast squeaks threateningly, completely unharmed. Bastards, you lied to me!

I grab kid, haul her over the shoulder like a sack of potatoes and run to the best of my body's ability.

- Master, why are we running? Also, I can run by myself! Put me down!

- Shut up and look behind us, then tell me if you want to climb down!

Girl quizzically raises her head and what she sees is...

A tiny bunny with a huge maw filled with serrated teeth doggedly pursuing them, leaving deep claw marks on the earth as it runs, thick drool pouring from its mouth, eyes filled with murderous rage.

- GYAAAAAH!!! RUN!

- I'm already doing that, you moron!

- THEN RUN FASTER!

Slowly but surely it is getting closer and I'm starting to feel tired from sprinting with an extra weight on my shoulder.

- ROOOAAARRR!

- KYAAAAAH!!! STAY AWAY!

I'm having a horrible déjà vu right now.

This thing will catch up soon if I don't think of something.

- None shall pass!

A black knight is standing in our way. Perfect!!!

I grab both of kid's legs, then with one circular motion throw her screaming body in an arch over the bloke's head.

- What?!

While he's distracted, I get behind his back, grab'im by the arms and tiger suplex his ass. Thanks for showing me that move, Tsukushi-chan. Your fan just might survive this mess now.

I blink to grab the kid who almost hit the ground and resume the flight from the wretched beast.

- You yellow bastard! Get back here and take what's coming to y...GAAAAAH!

Looks like bunny got to him. I hope this will win us a couple more seconds.

- Master, is it fine to just leave him there?

- Don't worry, I'm sure he had it worse.

I can hear the sound of rushing water. A lake? Sure hope so, I'm desperate for any kind of escape route right now.

Trees part, and there's indeed a lake with crazy strong current. I immediately start raising small pillars of earth from the bottom of the lake to use as stepping stones. They look mighty slippery, better wai... Shit, it's here!

We scramble on the other side, demonic bunny covered in blood and guts of the black knight follows close behind.

- Persistent little shit!

I make the pillars collapse all at once and the beast gets carried away by the raging stream of water.

Strength leaves my legs. Can't believe we are still alive.

Congratulations! Flee (active) skill gained!

Congratulations! Sprint (active) skill gained!

You could've given those to me earlier damn it!

Well, at least i got something out of this experience that shall forever haunt me in my dreams, causing nightmares, magnitude of which you cannot comprehend. Totally worth it, sure.

...shitty dryad, you owe me big time for this one. The reward better be amazing or else I'll teach you the meaning of auto-da-fé. Nobody screws with the Spanish Inquisition. Especially you, woodtits.

...

Somehow we return to the village by evening.

- You survived!!!

- Barely...

- I didn't, I'm dead on the inside.

- Then, did you kill it?!

- Actually, we...

- Yeah, we got rid of it, don't worry.

Kekeke... I'm not lying, we sure got rid of it for now. I hope it returns and bites you in the ass though, you really deserve it for withholding info on the target.

No way in hell would I sign up for the job if I knew the rabbit of Caerbannog was involved.

I rub my fingers together.

- You'll pay up accordingly, wouldn't you?

- Why of course! Please, follow me.

There's a sword lodged into stone in the middle of a small grove. I can't help but sigh. A sword. Just a stupid sword. Golden, no less. And not just gilded - it's 100% made of gold, embroided with intricate carvings and jewels. In other words: useless shit. I could sell it, sure, but I've already got enough money to live in decadence and excess for the rest of my life. And you have to be a special blend of stupid to actually use a novelty weapon made of pure gold in a fight - that's basically signing under your own death wish. Whatever, let's just cut our losses and go.

- That's your so-called "most valuable thing"?

- Yes, it's quite splendid, isn't it? It is all yours now.

- No need, keep it for yourself.

- Does it not satisfy you?

- As a wise man once said: much wants more and loses all. Never was a fan of flashy trinkets. Lend us one of your tree boys instead and make him carry us to Berg - my legs are killing me.

- I understand, your wish shall be granted. Allow me to add something else for your troubles.

She whispers something to a fairy and it flies away. Next she takes my hand.

- What's the big idea?

- Just a little good-luck charm~

WARNING, UNKNOWN TYPE OF RADIATION LOCATED.

INVADING HOST'S BODY.

SCANNING...

NO MALICIOUS EFFECTS FOUND.

HOST'S BODY EMITTING SAME RADIATION.

SCANNING...

EFFECTS: MAKES AFFECTED FLORA GROW FASTER AND STRONGER. FURTHER EFFECTS UNKNOWN.

Oh great, now bread will become moldy even faster. Much appreciated, thanks for that.

Congratulations! Druid class gained!

Congratulations! Plant Magic (active) skill gained!

Wait a sec, was I wrong in my assumption that only gods and the System are capable of giving out this stuff so willy-nilly? Let's play fool for now and pretend I can't see anything without the identification orb like all the other people.

- What did you do?

- Ufufu. You'll know eventually.

- If you say so.

The fairy returns, face red from exhaustion. There's a huge eringii mushroom in her arms, almost as big as her and definitely more massive when it comes to weight. No idea how she's even able to fly in this state.

After dropping it onto my palm she flashes a tired smile and buzzes off.

- Nice, haven't tasted mushrooms in a long time. Might as well cook this one right n...

- NO, DON'T!!!

What's with the reaction? Let's examine it properly.

Normal eringii mushroom - [item/food/???] - an ordinary mushroom, nothing strange about it.

...are you shitting me?

- Hey, sweetcheeks.

- Y-yes?

- Mind telling me what the hell this is, hmmm?

- I-It's just a mushroom?...

- So I can eat it, right?

- Please don't.

- I can throw it away, right?

- Please don't.

- Just so you know, I'm a very petty person who treats his grudges seriously. If this thing - hypothetically - turned out to be something bad, I'm very likely to return and - hypothetically - do something very, very bad and scary. You understand, right?

- Ahaha... It's just a mushroom, please don't make such a scary face...

- Don't say I didn't warn you later. Now where's my ride?

____________________________________________________________________________

- Mistress, was it alright to entrust it to such a person?

- He was a little...intense, sure. But there's no better candidate than him.

- What makes you think that?

- Well, for one, I can sense two polar forces in him - it's the first time in my long life that I see a person who can manipulate both life and death. And I'm fairly certain he doesn't have prejudice against monsters - that little mimic of his is proof enough.

- But even so...

- I could sense a dormant dungeon core on his person.

- That! I see now, in that case your decision isn't a gamble at all.

- Yes. I hope the day this world will welcome the little ones back comes soon.