I must admit, the scenery is quite pleasing to the eye.

Picturesque grassland with modest flowers like dandelions and sunflowers growing here and there, warm breeze teasing the skin and setting a windmill standing near a calm lake into motion. It's sunny, but it is neither hot nor obnoxiously bright to the point you want to squint your eyes. A rustic but neat and homely log cabin some 200 meters away with a small garden adjacent to it - clearly just a hobby for the owner as it is too small to serve as a reliable food source. Fluffy clouds that look like a mixture of cotton candy and a baby chick who was born with pure white fluff instead of bright yellow one. An occasional butterfly flutters by with no care in the world, sheep stroll around and graze with no fear for the wolves. This looks like an ideal place I'd want to retire to one day and lead my final days in peace, watching the clouds crawl by as I sit in a comfy rocking chair.

There's but one problem.

It's all painted.

Or... It is hard to describe, honestly. Everything looks flat AND volumetric at the same time. Painted with pastel aquarelle colors, but undeniably living and breathing. I feel like I don't belong here, standing around in torn and bloodied armor, chipped blade that was used to snuff out lives tucked under the belt. It genuinely makes me sad, makes me want to go far-far away from here to not tarnish the beauty of it with my dirty feet, poisoning the air with my breath.

As I get depressed and prepare to leave the lucid dream and go back to the harsh reality, I notice a nice looking lady in her early twenties, sitting at the white tea table for two. She's waving at me with a sweet smile. Hmmm. Bah, why the hell not? Why wouldn't I choose to spend some time with a pleasant lady? It's not like I'm in a hurry anyway - there's no noisy ticking clocks around here to remind me of time. I wave back and approach her at a leisurely pace.

Slim elegant body, long chestnut brown hair collected in a ponytail, moderate amount of freckles on her face, dark green eyes, sleeveless one-piece summer dress of blue color with white polka dots, pleasant absence of a bra, long bare feet unrestricted with footwear - never would've thought this is what God looks like.

Name

Erde

Race

-

Age

Ever 17 ~☆

Classes

Ancient God⋆

¿Ï¾×∞

████████████████████████████████████████████████████████

Titles

Chaos and Creation

God is considered a class now? Yoink!

ERROR

OUTSIDE THE COVERAGE ZONE, CURRENTLY IN OFFLINE MODE

RESUME CONNECTION AND TRY AGAIN

Tch. Can't blame me for not trying at least.

- Hey there, missus. Nice setup you've got here - gazebo and all. Love what you've done with the place.

- That's so nice of you to say, thank you. It took me a while to make something unassuming.

- Cool. So, uh. Mind if I take a seat?

- Why of course. It's a pleasure to finally receive a guest.

She points at the chair opposite to hers, I drag it next to her and sit down.

- ?

- Sorry, sitting face-to-face reminds me of work - interviews, tutoring... That kind of stuff. I'm currently enjoying my retirement, so I'd rather not dab into boring officialisms.

- Ah, I see, I see. Then by all means, do enjoy a short break with me.

She pours me a cup of tea. Green and minty fresh - my favorite. How very thoughtful of you.

- buuuurp! Who was that?! Show yourself!

- Pfffffffft!

- It wasn't me, I swear!

- ...ku...pfffufufu...

It takes her several seconds of shivering with contorted face to contain any further laughter leaking, she forcefully returns herself back to the image of a prim and proper well-bred lady. First experiment was shockingly effective - looks like even gods are susceptible to surprise attacks. Let's keep testing the waters before moving onto the main course.

- Those éclairs of yours look mighty fine. Mind if I snatch one?

- By all means. I take great pride in my pastries, I hope you'll like them.

Nom.

Pretty damn good, actually. My compliments to the chef.

- That's very kind of you to say, thank you.

There we go, as I though.

- Erde, dear, can I ask you two questions and make a request before we begin?

- Of course. I'll answer if I can and grant the request if it is within my ability.

- Marvelous. Mind telling me what I'm thinking of now?

She blushes with closed eyes, a slight smile on her face.

- My my, how scandalous~ I'm sorry, but before doing such things we need to get married.

Was it too easy? Let's ramp it up a bit.

- What about now?

- E=mc2

Not bad.

- As for my request... Mind showing me a miracle?

- I hope this shall suffice.

Flaming 3D letters float before my eyes forming the world M I R A C L E in english, start dancing and doing backflips while whistling "Old MacDonald had a farm" tune.

- Thank you, that was very...enlightening.

We resume our little tea party for two as the clouds slowly drift by.

- You are surprisingly calm, you know? It's my first time seeing someone who knows of my godhood be so casual.

- Must be my atheistic tendencies showing, don't mind that.

- I'm right in front of you though? Hello? Earth to Johnathan?

- You misunderstood, I'm not in denial right now. I guess this calls for disambiguation - I think that "god" and "God" are two different things. Or, to be more precise, one very real "thing" and one false "concept".

- Mmmmm... Can you elaborate it for me?

- Sure thing. Here's what I think... Full disclaimer from the onset - it's just my theory, don't quote me on that and correct me if I'm wrong.

- Okay~

- So. A "God" is an almighty being that has zero limitations and infinite capabilities, usually thought to be a benevolent being that rules over the world. Sure, there are glaring differences when comparing religions, but those are mostly money-making businesses so let's discount them. Let's say a person was born and raised in some distant island, never hearing about religions. When it hits the fan, he wouldn't ask help from baby J, Buddha or anyone of the sort - he'll ask help from "God", a universal big daddy with no face or name, someone convenient. Need help? Ask him. Something bad happened? His fault. I don't buy the existence of such a thing, it's just a subconscious attempt to shift responsibility off your hands. As for a "god" like you... I think it would be right to compare a "god" to an elephant, while humans will be...let's say...grasshoppers. Sure, you are unimaginably more powerful, your brain's more developed, you live longer, there are less of you... But that's it. I highly doubt you are either omniscient or omnipotent - just several tiers above us in quality. Nothing more, nothing less. Wouldn't be surprised if there are beings that are unimaginably more powerful than you. And beings more powerful than them. And... You get the picture. The numbers may be rising infinitely, but they'll never reach infinity itself. Whew, that was a mouthful.

I take a sip and bite into a cupcake while I'm at it.

- Very good! Clean and concise, you've described essence of godhood well in just a dozen sentences or so.

She smiles with closed eyes and claps like a kindergarten teacher who just got one of her pupils understand that 2+2=4 all by himself.

- But still... Knowing all that, you aren't afraid that the elephant will step on you?

- Not really. A loaded gun laying on the table is one of the most harmless things in the world, unless you go out of your way to pick it up and shoot yourself in the head with it. You seem like the sort who can be reasoned with and invited me here for a bit more than a friendly chat and a pleasant tea party. If I don't deliberately piss you off for some reason then I'm golden, right?

- Kukuku. And yet you did what you did even before we got the chance to say "hello"?

Noticed, huh?

- It was just a prank, a friendly prank~ You already knew what kind of person I was before inviting me, didn't you?

- Yes, that much is true. I'm a little sad you came clean instantly instead of trying to wriggle your way out as you usually do. That never ceases to amuse me - such exquisite selfishness and shamelessness. ❤

- Welp! We did establish early on that you can read my mind. Or my surface thoughts, at the very least.

- Aaaaah, so that's what those lewd fantasies were for. But what about the other two trials?

- Well, it was apparent that you watched over me - at least occasionally - for some time, therefore you could've simply guessed what I'd think based on my character, then give a vague general answer that hits the spot. Charlatan psychics love that move. Therefore I thought of something that's completely unrelated to the matter at hand, and doesn't exist in this world.

- Mhm-mhm. And the third one?

- Just a little personality test. Would you deny me a miracle as someone lazy/dismissive/secretive would do; or show me something grand a narcissical/arrogant/proud god would like; show me something concrete or something vague... You get the picture. That little performance of yours was probably one of the most amiable thing that could result from a request like that.

- And those three things are why you are so comfortable with being honest, I understand.

- Nope, that's not it.

- It isn't? Then what?

- You are my type, I'd never lie to you.

- Flattery will get you nowhere, especially when it isn't tr... Oh dear.

Heh. Words can lie, but real inner thoughts can't.

- Well...I'm...aaaaah... Ahem! Let talk about the reason why I brought you into my sanctum.

How cute. I'd like to tease her, but I'm not suicidal.

- I'm listening.

- First and foremost, thank you for taking care of little Amelia. Her parents were devout followers of mine and one of the last ones to worship me even after everything has collapsed and I was demonized in the eyes of the common folk. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that I still exist only because of the handful of people like them strewn across the world. Secondly, congratulations on successfully changing the future that already happened - you managed not only save yourself but also throw a wrench into the "perfect" machine of the Clockwork Gods.

- Wait for a second please, it's too much info that you are piling onto me right now. Before you proceed with your story, might I ask a couple questions on what's already been said?

- Of course. Right here and now, you have all the time in the world at your disposal. There's no need for us to rush.

I inhale and exhale, steeling myself for a long talk.

- Let's get the small things out of the way first. Who exactly were Amelia's parents?

- Her father was a dwarven rock lizard rider, a leader of a certain cavalry mercenary brigade that was famous once, but its name faded into obscurity a long time ago. Her mother - daughter of the chief of once prosperous dark elf town that eventually got scattered to the winds. They were both zealous followers of mine and heeded my call to arms like many others, joining the last great war that reduced once prosperous continent to a pile of tiny semi-barbaric kingdoms that can only squabble among themselves and roll around in muck instead of doing something with their lives.

- Okay, please pause here. Now we have another point of interest, tell me more about the war please.

- Yes. It happened some 240 years ago - the first and the last serious confrontation of the Old Gods like me and the newborn Clockwork Gods. Unlike us, they were born from humans, their anxieties, fear, desire to never take any responsibility for their lives again and have somebody that would think for them. They were the ones who made the System - a catalogue of living beings' skills and achievements. We didn't care and overlooked it at first, thinking it wasn't a bad thing. However, soon ingenuity and creative spark started dying, living creatures across the land started thinking in templates, unable of creating anything new apart from what already was there. It got worse with time - Clockwork Gods took over as new rulers and nobody opposed them. They would provide food and shelter and people would...live. That was all, complete stagnation. Thinking is forbidden, working is forbidden, creating is forbidden, playing is forbidden. You wake up, you eat, you prolificate, you go to sleep. Day in day out, like cattle. Unlike now, both us and Clockwork Gods were physical beings back then, we thought that destroying them will be the best solution. Under my and other gods' banner we amassed an army and rode to war. We won at a horrible price. Casualties were calamitous for both sides - Clockwork Gods all lost their material shells and many of the brainwashed people under them that forgot how to take care of themselves considered us demons and died from diseases that they couldn't cure by themselves anymore, starvation, cold... Knowledge of Clockwork Gods was mostly wiped away by us, and the Old Gods became a taboo among humans. They started worshipping new gods like Goddess of Harvest, God of War, et cetera, but of course they don't even exist - just empty, hollow, imaginary placeholders people invented to keep their sanity intact. With nonexistent written history, people don't even know what happened not so long ago.

- Damn. Right-o. What about The whole "changing the future that already happened" and "saving myself" shtick?

- To put it bluntly, you are already dead.

- Like at the end of Sixth Sense?

- No-no, you aren't a ghost. In the original script you were supposed to turn into the crazed Demon King and wreak havoc across the land with the twenty-five heroes from another world defeating you in a decisive battle.

- 25? There were 30 students with me, do you mean to say that...

- Yes, five of them died long before the fight with you for different reasons, such as conspiracies of nobles and the sort.

- I see. And how exactly I turned out to be the Big Bad Wolf again?

- Oh, that's easy. Although you've dodged many landmines when using your ability, you still managed to take a comfortable seat on two of them. Your eyes...eye...were steadily growing stronger bit by bit during this month you spent in this world. Now that you are more accustomed to your power, mind taking a look at what you have one more time?

- Okay?

I sift through the things I hoarded for the last month and read their descriptions one by one. Two of them are... Ugh.

Draconic Bloodline⋆ - one of your ancestors has laid with a pureblood dragon and survived long enough to give birth to an offspring. Even though the blood is extremely diluted, some members of your bloodline still can awaken the remnants of that blood, awakening this skill. Your body becomes stronger and more robust overall, lifespan increases by the minimum of 20 years, you enjoy slight regenerative qualities.

ADDITIONAL INFO: Warning, high level memetic hazard. People with weak will shall be reduced into mindless semi-vegetative state as soon as they are born. People in possession of a strong will shall have their destructive, sadistic, violent tendencies increased by a big margin, random emotional spikes may also make an appearance. The latter category shall slowly descend into madness, rate of degradation is measured by the person's will. Nightmares, hallucinations, paranoia and an unknown number of other symptoms can be induced by the poisonous effects the blood has on the user's brain. (notes: it isn't equivalent to troll's regeneration, do not rely on it in battle / you wouldn't be able to grow new copies of yourself if you lose a limb / getting your head cut off results in death / getting your vitals pierced or destroyed results in death / regenerating an arm takes roughly three months)

Vampirism⋆ - a distant cousin of the vampires, now your canines and stomach are restructured for the capability of ingesting blood and gaining energy and sustenance from it. Now possible to survive and live on blood alone.

ADDITIONAL INFO: Warning, moderate level memetic hazard. Parts of the brain responsible for cruel behavior and pleasure might form a connection. Irregular necrotic DNA strains added to the body. Possible origin source - [Vampire] species. Possible influence on the body: unknown.

- Ummm... Erde, sweetheart. Could you, uh... Dooooo something about this?

She smiles.

- But I already did~ And a long time ago - check up on Amelia too.

- No can't do, she's not here.

- Check your subordinates tab.

How many hidden tabs does this fucking thing have?!

Subordinates

Occupation

Lieutenant

Pet dog

Amelia

Bodyguard

Husk

Porter

Let's see...

Name

Amelia

Race

Dark Elf / Dwarf

Age

16

Classes

Villager lvl.31, Duelist lvl.4, Berserker lvl.12, Yojimbo lvl.8

Status Skills

STR Up lvl.4, END up lvl.6, STA Up lvl.6

Battle Skills

Martial Arts lvl.6, Dagger Arts lvl.2, Mace Arts lvl.3, Throw lvl.2, Dirty Fighting lvl.4, Evade lvl.2, Axe Arts lvl.1, Counter lvl.1, First Strike lvl.1

Sensory Skills

Knowledge Hungry lvl.2

Social Skills

Gambling lvl1, Intimidate lvl.5

Resistances

Disease Resistance, Pain Resistance

Titles

Demon King Kain's Right Hand, Disciple, Cupid, Grasses: On, Rip 'n Tear, Protect and Serve

Demon King Kain's Right Hand - one who is destined to accompany the person, who will one day be nicknamed Devil, on his path of conquest, carnage and creation. Blessed by Erde, when Amelia is near John, she shall protect his mind from Insanity. Mutual feelings of trust are required for activation.

- Hey, Erde.

- Yes?~

- Allow me to properly apologize. I'm sorry and thank you.

- Hm? I can understand the "thank you" part, but what's this about with the apology.

- Just realized that I unknowingly was a major dick to my benefactor. From our talk I've gathered that you already strained yourself quite a bit just to hook up me and Amelia. And, looking back, didn't I shake you down for skills when you already pretty much saved my ass from predetermined doom? How much of your remaining juice did you lose from that.

- There's no need to worry about such things, I had my own selfish goals to achieve in that venture. Just think of it as if I had to...overspend a little.

- So you are fine this getting erased from malnourishment when the last of your followers kicks the bucket?

- Everything in the world has to come to an end at some point.

She's smiling, but the eyes betray a momentary spark of fear and insecurity.

- That's bullshit and you know it. How about this? You saved my hide, so I'll save yours.

- Huhu. You'll become one of my believers?

- In your dreams maybe. If you watched over me, you should know that I hate to have any kind of superiors above me and I'm anything but religious.

- Interesting. And what are you proposing then?

- Isn't that obvious? I'll make you a personal cult.

- Wait, you don't mean?!

- You know who makes the best prophets? Greedy cynical bastards like me. I'll turn you into the next best thing after peanut butter jelly on toast.

- But. To make you go through such trouble...

- Hey now, who said it was for free? My life is precious only to myself - everyone else can put a price on it. Let's say that you've prolonged my life by 80 years and those three skills are worth 10. Plus another 10 years as interest. When I return what I owe you, my services will stop being free - I'll expect a compensation of some sort. Info, for example. How about that, Partner? Deal?

I outstretch my hand to her. She seems very surprised at the sudden turn of events, but takes my hand. Jeez, if her palms are soft like this, I wonder how her... I'd rather not finish that thought, it's dangerous to let you mind wonder around her.

We shake on it and let go of each other's hands. For some reason her sweet smile looks really dangerous now.

- Jon-John-Jooohnnyyy?~

- Ugh. Yeees?

What's with the sudden change in tone?

- You said that information is fine as compensation, riiiiight?

- Yes, I did.

- So it has a price, riiiiight?

- ...yes, sure does.

- Ku. Ku. Ku. Then I hope you'll return the whole debt, not just those meager hundred years~

- What are you even talking about? Hey!

She isn't listening, just sips tea with a face of a cat that just ate all the sardines from her master's plate and got away with it.

What kind of bullshit did I step into this time...

I frantically search through my handy-dandy stat window and closely observe all the things again.

"Sarcastic Prick" my ass, who'd stick such a label on another...

"Chat"? "Notifications"? Fuck's this?

417 MESSAGES FROM USER Erde AVAILABLE

READ NOW?

Are you fucking... Insulting messages, attention-seeking messages, consoling messages, scolding messages, anxious messages, "please don't ignore me T__T" messages, dozens of hints, tips&tricks, guides, maps, shopping guides...

- ...you are a really lonely person, aren't you?

- That's just your imagination.

- Must be hard on you, eh.

- That's just your imagination.

- Lots of free time and nothing to do with it.

- That's just your imagination.

- You must be cleanly shaved down there.

- That's just your imagination.

- Your butt looks really nice, can I touch it?

- That's just your... HEY! What's up with the last two questions?!

- Hm? That's just your imagination, I was talking about the weather and politics. Get your mind out of the gutter, pervert.

- Why you!

Table gets flipped and we run around the plains, Erde chasing me while shouting threats. We keep having fun until I run out of breath and she tackles me on the ground, where we end up wrestling for a while.

- Must feel nice to not be alone, eh, Erde?

- Hmpf. Must feel nice to be at peace and don't get screwed over by something every five minutes, eh, John?

- ...touché.

We spend some time together lazing around of the grass. Weird, but I just realized that it doesn't feel hard at all. It's soft and supple as a bed, maybe that's why we didn't have any problems.

- Sigh. Looks like it's time already. Come see me again when you secure a power line for us to do so, okay? And don't forget to message me back this time.

- Sure thing, tuts. How about a goodbye k...

...

...

...

- Stay safe~

- ...yeah. You too.

____________________________________________________________________________

I feel somebody shacking me. For Pete's sake, enough already.

I open my eyes, sun is shining brightly. My biological clock tells me it's somewhere around 09:00~10:00 in the morning.

Hm?

I can see Amelia in full equipment, Husk quickly swallowing all of our belongings scattered across the room and a middle-aged pair I've frequently seen for the last week as they are lodging here too.

Kid is deadly serious, mimic is hectic, but is clearly trying his best not to make noise, the couple is nervous.

- Master, we need to leave the city. Immediately.

I sorta wish I didn't wake up at all today.

My short-lived taste of paradise has come to an end.