I gasp and open my eyes wide as a bucketful of ice cold water is splashed on my face. Out of reflex I attempt to punch the perpetrator without thinking, but immediately notice that I'm cuffed and chained to the wall. Wait, didn't I die? Whatever, I need to think properly what's happening at this moment.

- Finally. About time you opened your eyes, sunshine. The fact that I'm immortal doesn't mean that my patience is boundless too.

I shake my head and get my unfocused eyes back in working order. Who's talking?

Before me is a skeleton in richly adorned robes. Lesse what kind of beast you are.

Name

Medrek Gosdir

Race

Undead - Lich

Age

316

Classes

Necromancer lvl.42, Alchemist lvl. 24, Scholar lvl. 32, Vile Mage lvl. 38

Status Skills

MND Up lvl.3, WSD Up⋆

Battle Skills

Shirahadori lvl.7

Sensory Skills

Magic Perception lvl.3

Movement Skills

Blink lvl.1

Magic Skills

Necromancy lvl.6, Golem Creation lvl.2

Recovery Skills

Manafont lvl.4

Production Skills

Potioneering⋆

Resistances

Light Resistance

Titles

Prodigy, Fallen from Grace, Heretic

Wonderful. I'm in far deeper shit than I thought I was. I'd rather not fight him, so let's bullshit our way out as always.

- Khm-khm! Greetings. Sir Medrek Gosdir, I assume? Delighted to make your acquaintance.

- You... As I thought, you are not an ordinary intruder. I can somehow believe that someone accidentally stumbled upon the real dungeon and killed all of the rejects guarding the top floor, but everything else was highly improbable. Tell me what you are and what you are doing here.

Ah, I see. I'm still alive because he shat his pants from the sudden breach of his home's defensive line and wants to question me. Maybe it's not so bad, I'll just make it so that he can't kill me even if he wants to.

- Looks like I forgot to introduce myself, how rude of me. My name is Alucard Van Hellsing, son of Carmilla Van Hellsing. I was sent by his highness Overlord Einszwei Drei the IVth of the Great Bizarro Tomb to pass a message to a powerful and wise lich Medrek Gosdir who, supposedly, established a residence somewhere in Belga's vicinity.

- Hmpf. Can't say I heard those names before.

- Kukuku~ I mean no offense, but Sir Medrek hasn't been around for that long, in all honesty. I always do my homework before acting, you know? Good sir should only be around three centuries old by now - it is a respectable age, but it pales in comparison with our His Highness, mother dearest, and other generals. Although it might be a little conceited of me to say such things, as I'm only 80 years old.

- You? Eighty? I was amused with the farce you spewed in vain attempt to preserve your pathetic life, but you aren't even trying now. I'm not a fan of crass things like torture, so do speak the truth from now on. Or not - I could just kill you and turn into undead that will readily tell me everything I need to know.

Bingo. This is the point where your bony arse falls into the trap.

- Ahaha, whatever are you talking about, good sir? I never heard of anyone capable of turning undead undead. Sounds a little redundant, wouldn't you agree?

- Explain yourself.

- I say no lies, good sir - I am indeed a dhampir that was born some eighty years before. If you don't believe me, how about checking for yourself? Among the equipment you seized was an identification orb. An accomplished magus like you would easily see if the tool is rigged, right? You aren't losing anything if you try~

He frowns(?) but still waves at a revenant to go collect my shit.

- What is a dhampir anyway? Never heard of such a creature.

- That's not unexpected, we are indeed a rare breed. Children of true vampire that doesn't have anyone above him or her in the blood hierarchy, and a very powerful human who reached the pinnacle. To make matters worse, mutual feelings are obviously required, but usually vampires and humans aren't too keen on each other if you know what I mean. "Cruel leeches" for one side, "worthless cattle" to the other. In my whole life I haven't seen another one of my ilk, only heard the stories.

- Hoooh. You've spun quite the backstory for yourself. It would be such a shame when it falls apart.

- We'll see.

Soon the revenant returns, Lich checks the orb and, not finding any signs of tampering, uses it on me.

- ...fine then. You spoke the truth. What about the other intruder?

- Ah, that? That thing has no name. It's but a bloodbag - no need to worry about it.

- Bloodbag?

- You never heard the term? Vampires of the Great Bizarro Tomb dislike uncouth practices like going out each night to hunt. So we find an individual whose blood we fancy and find to be the sweetest, then take them in as a readily available food source.

- Fascinating. Fine, I'm satisfied and will give you the benefit of a doubt. State your purpose of coming here.

- Why of course. As I said, I'm a messenger that is currently travelling across the continent, recruiting strong entities such as yourself. His Highness finally pinpointed the location of the graveyard and now we are collecting forces to topple the living and enslave every last one of them.

Lich scoffs.

- Hah. A "graveyard"? How quaint.

- I wouldn't dismiss it so fast, good sir. After all, the burial site that master found was...the resting place where dragons went to die, the fabled Dragon Valley.

- ?!

- You know how troublesome just one raised dragon can be, right? Now imagine an entire army of them soaring in the skies, stomping upon the ground, traversing bottom of the seas. Makes even a long dead heart beat again, no?

- This!... Indeed, if there are some twenty-thirty well preserved remains...nay, just ten should be enough to completely decimate even the strongest army...

What's that? Suddenly got interested, sucker? I'll promise you sugary lands with rivers of milk and honey if that allows me to get out of here, so stop being an indecisive pussy and start being a greedy dick.

- Sounds nice, wouldn't you agree? Powerful liches are rare and valuable, I'm sure you would be able to get a high position in the army if you decide to join our cause.

- Yes, this indeed sounds very, very alluring. But I'm not buying it.

...que?

- I beg your pardon?

- You see, Alucard... Everything you said looks true, sounds true, seems true, there are no seams or blisters - everything is licked to glossy perfection. And that's the main problem with it. I also dislike your eyes, they seem to be far more rotten than those of my puppets.

Oi-oi, the fuck?! I got used to the fact there are only braindead idiots around these parts, what's with the sudden splotch of clarity?! Also, the fact that the smartest person around doesn't even have a brain is beyond ironic.

- So I decided to play it safe and dispose of you just in case. If your superiors don't know when and where you died and who did it, I could just keep on quietly living down here with my studies and experiments.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFINE! If that's how you want to play, I'll use my final, ultimate weapon - Unlimited Logic Works!

- I'm sorry, but Absence of Evidence is not the Evidence of Absence!

- What?

- Simply because you don't have evidence that something does exist does not mean you've got evidence that something doesn't exist

- What?

- There are Known Knowns and then there are Known Unknowns, but there's also Unknown Unknowns, things you don't know you don't know.

- What?

- ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO. YOU. SPEAK IT?

Shit, I didn't mean to say the last line. Stupid asshole used the rule of three "what?"s on me and I reacted without thinking.

Lich audibly groans, places his index finger and thumb where his nose was used to be once, rubs the temples of his skull and leaves the cell.

- Oi! I'm not done talking, Vincent!

Fuck it, I guess I won a bit of time while the old bag of bones suffers from a phantom migraine. I should get outta here and run towards the Canadian border before he arrives to conclusion that there are indeed no big guns that will come to avenge me if he pops a cap in me.

I count to a hundred and twenty, then try to use earth magic to take out a chunk of the wall my chains are attached to and buzz away, however...

Nothing.

- What now?!

I observe the chains closer with my eyes.

Idanite chains and shackles - [item/misc] - restraints made of a very rare metal, idanite. Fully blocks the flow of magic.

You!...you!... Oooooh now you've done it, you thorough motherfucker - I'm gonna slim my jim all over your face for this. You and your Unobtanium bullshit... Did you really had to go this far with the precautions? That's my gimmick, you bloody copycat.

I thrash around, try to pull on the chains with all my might, but they are deadbolted to the wall.

Next I remember that it's possible to take off police cuffs by dislocating your thumb, but these shackles are a size or three too small for me already, so it wouldn't work.

Sigh. I'll stop for now, I need to calmly think of another way and fast.

...it's really cold in here.

◇

~Meanwhile~

- GET OUTTA MY WAY BEFORE I MOVE YOU MYSELF, FUCKING DIPSHITS! ORRRRRAAAAAH!

A certain furious individual that lost her cool was storming through the hallways and mazelike tunnels, goring, slashing, smashing and tearing apart the dead with her bare hands. Mindless creatures like revenants and skeletons got mauled and tossed around, the smarter ones - like ghouls - scattered in fear when they noticed something small that was drenched with blood and covered in chunks of meat and guts rush towards them while letting out guttural noises and curses worthy of an experienced sailor.

This place was the starting point of something that will much later be told to the naughty kids as the Legend of the One-Eyed Witch.

◇

Not sure how much time passed. Probably not so long, but my aching arms say otherwise. At least give me normal cuffs instead of kiddy-sized ones - tissues in my wrists will succumb to necrosis at this rate.

I can hear muffled sounds approaching from the right of my cell, soon the noise becomes deafening - a huge flock of skinny ghouls stampedes past me in terror.

- GET BACK HERE, YOU RUNTS! GIVE HIM BACK OR I'LL TEAR YOUR FUCKING ARMS OFF AND SHOVE THEM SO FAR UP YOU ASSES THAT YOU WILL TASTE YOUR OWN SHIT!

A familiar figure sprints past me and after them, dual wielding a mace and a rusty axe I haven't seen before.

...I just hallucinated this, didn't I? Wait a second!

- Shortie, get back here this instant!

- ...YOUR OWN MOTHERS WOULDN'T R...huh? That voice?

- Get your scrawny ass over here, oi!

- Master! ❤

Oh, looks like she's trotting back, thank Jove.

She kicks the door open so hard that one of the hinges flies off and the other one is irreparably bent, then flying tackles me and clings tight like a leech, rubbing her cheek at my chest.

- Master~master~

- Yeah-yeah, I get it already, you are happy to see me. Now stop sniffing me and smearing blood and brain matter over my clothes. Wait until we are out of here if you want to cuddle so much.

- Really?! I can?!

- Just get me off of this wall you excitable puppy.

Easier said than done. Or not. Grabbing the chains, putting her leg onto the wall and pulling to the point where a vein popped out on her forehead, she managed to tear the restraints off the wall, but I still had to lug the chains around and was unable to use magic. We could just care about that later, when we get out.

- You did great. I'm going to increase your salary twofold.

- But you aren't paying me anything, master? Any number multiplied by zero is still a zero, isn't it???

- Exactly. You are doing quite well on your math studies.

- But of course! I try hard!

She strikes a proud pose with hands on her waist and a smug look on her face.

- What a smart girl you are.

I pat her, which results in her transforming into giggling goo.

- Don't go all mellow just yet, we still need to get out. Ask for anything you want after we leave - I'll consider almost any request as long as it's not my head on a platter.

- Then... Call me by my name please.

- Eh?

- I! I worked hard, right? I managed to earn a little bit of approval, right? I got useful, right?!

Now that I think about it... I always called shortie "kid", didn't I? There was no deeper meaning behind it or anything, it was just convenient. And yet she imagined god-knows-what and winded herself over that? Probably would be insensitive to say how it is in reality, so let's roll with her misunderstanding for now.

- ...yeah, you did. You stuck with your training and shown great results today, Amelia. You get permission to use my name too from today on.

- Don't wanna.

- Pardon?

- I'll do that when you tell me your real name, not the alias you are using right now.

...what's the deal with the sudden influx of insightful people today? Looks like hell is going to freeze over this evening, mark my words.

- Maybe one day. As apology for that, I'll tell you all about my homeland - the good ol' Foggy Albion.

Don't look at me with those intense "I want to know, teach me!" eyes, we don't have the time right now.

...

We cleared most of the place, looks like there's only one room left. If the exit isn't here, then we are screwed. Without any ceremonies we tear the door down and barge in.

- There you are, you accursed rascals! Had fun ruining the place I spent so much time to establish?! Well, it's my turn to laugh now.

My Intuition suddenly starts a hissy fit. Wait, is it? Of crud, the old sack of bones is silently chanting a lethal curse and the target is...

- Kid, move!

Before she could react, it hits her. She's clutching her chest, I can see him holding something invisible in his hand. Her heart?!

I can't counteract the curse with light magic because of the shackles and I wouldn't be fast enough to get to him through all the bodyguards. Which leads to the last resort. I really hope I don't kick the bucket from pulling such a stunt.

Closing my right eye I steal away his ability to use Necromancy. Retribution for using the power for the third time today is instant and ruthless. As I fall on the floor I feel my aching face, trying to find the source of pain. And I'll be damned if I didn't find it immediately - my fingers slid right inside my skull. The eye was gone, it exploded into mushy mess.

- KAIN!

- Don't worry about me, fuck him up while he's weakened! GO!

My body is paralyzed and assaulted with epileptic fits, I start foaming from my mouth. Everything went monochrome, sounds are dampened. Of course the price wouldn't be something as mundane as losing an eye. Greedy bastards...

The last thing I see is Medrek perfectly catching Amelia's blade with his bony hands, wearing a smug look on his face, only to be slugged on the kisser with a left hook the next second, sending his teeth flying.

Heh, not bad for a kid.

____________________________________________________________________________

I'm back in the dark nowhere, facing off the scaly beast once again. However, this time is very different.

Before it looked at me mockingly, as if I was nothing but an ant it can leisurely squish when it gets bored of playing around. But now it's furious and heaves a sound that is somewhere between a roar, a howl, a hiss and a growl. There's sounds of a clock ticking and clangs of gigantic metal gears working in tandem.

Left eye of the beast seems to be badly damaged.

Unlike before I feel no fear, there's only anger and desire to kill it swelling inside me.

The giant snake with bat wings opens its mouth and showers me in fire, but it doesn't hurt.

I look down and see there's nothing but bones left of me, yet I'm completely fine like that.

A certain redhead once said that people die when they are killed. Filthy liar. How are you going to explain this then?

I run towards one of many corpses - probably left by those who challenged the beast before - grab a double handed sword that got snapped in half and throw it like a spear at the injured eye of the beast. It sinks deep.

Abomination roars. I feel that this shall be a long, long fight.

____________________________________________________________________________

There's a very unpleasant feeling. Whoever it is, knock it off already. I'm tired, let me sleep.

- Lesson number cough! whatever: never shake an injured person. Did you forget what I taught you or you are trying to finish me off?

- Master! Are you fine?! Does anything hurt?!

I sluggishly push her off me. Huh, my head is neatly bandaged and the shackles are gone. Found the key, did you?

- I'm fine, don't panic. Give me the status report.

- Lich and his bodyguards are dead. I couldn't find anything that looks like an exit in this room though, so we might have to climb our way out of here.

- Great job. You didn't finish him off though.

- Huh? I did? There, look.

She points at a skeleton with his skull powderised into bonemeal.

- Did you forget that he's a lich? There's bound to be a philacterium hidden somewhere around here, no doubts about it.

I monitor the room from the place I'm sitting. Then Sense Hostility picks up a blip on the radar coming from a certain direction.

- Amelia, be a dear and topple that bookcase.

There's nothing behind it? I don't buy it.

- Okay, now throw something at the wall.

A bone is flung at it, it comes right through the wall and disappears.

- Yep, figures.

I try standing up with a groan, kid lends me her shoulder. Tries to, at least.

- I'm really sorry.

- What's that out of the blue?

- You protected me twice today, both times paying a big price. And your eye...

- Consider this an investment - now you'll have to spend your entire life to make it up for me. Plus, now I can get a cool eyepatch and rename us into Team Cyclops. Has a nice ring to it, eh?

- I see. Then I'll be serving you to the bitter end.

- Don't overdramatize.

- Master is a trouble magnet, I doubt either of us will die of old age.

You've got a point.

We pass through the wall, there's a small room with an unassuming chest in the middle.

- A treasure chest?

- Don't touch it.

Name

-

Race

Magical Creature - Mimic

Age

?

Stealth Skills

Play Dead lvl.1, Ambush lvl.1

Movement Skills

Jump lvl.1

Magic Skills

Transform (Furniture)⋆, Shrink/Expand⋆

Recovery Skills

Consume⋆

Social Skills

Entice lvl.1

Titles

-

I stare daggers at it. Chest starts shaking in fear.

- Your options are to submit or get smashed to bits. Which one do you prefer?

It noisily bunnyhops across the floor and licks my leg with a long serpentine tongue. Two bright yellow dots are shining from the slightly ajar chest, looking up with expectation.

- Good boy. You'll be... "Husk" should suffice. Now show me where the stinky-smelly lich is hiding, Husk.

It trots away and munches on the wall, making a small tunnel. Soon sounds of gas being released, roaring of the flame, arrows hitting against the stone wall and a short muffled scream can be heard from the other side.

Husk returns with his shell singed, arrows adorning him like porcupine needles. It spits out a glassy vessel and hops in triumph.

- Nice job.

I plucks the arrows out and stroke the wooden lid. It purrs in delight.

- And so we meet again, good sir. You didn't think you can hide under a blanket, did you? You are far too old for such childish behavior.

- Cursed dhampir. What are you going to do, kill me?

- No such thing, I wouldn't even think of it. I would be a liar if I said I don't hold any contempt against you right now, but orders are absolute - I shall take you to Lord Einszwei as per the initial plan. I hoped you would see reason and voluntary join as our friend, but... For now you shall be a captive. If you want to change that status, talk to Master yourself - it is not up to me to decide what to do with you.

Amelia looks puzzled at the sudden change in speech and the bullplop I'm spouting. I wink at her to show it's fine but then realize that winking and blinking are the same thing for me now. Now I cross my index and middle finger where only she can see it - one of the gestures I taught her just in case.

"I'm lying through my teeth, so play along and don't give me away"

Of course I'll extinguish him eventually, but now's not the time. He crippled me for life - I might as well rob him of everything as compensation.

We wrapped his vessel in idanite chains, stuffed him in a thick leather bag and fed him to Husk.

I made sure to nab everything that looked even slightly valuable, interesting or not bolted to the floor and throw it down the mimic's gob. Soon enough he started feeling unwell and spat out some things. Damn. I sorted things out: prioritizing books, manuals, ingredients, recipes for potions, money, tools that weren't cursed - first, everything else - second.

On the side note, I might need to gift Husk the Silent Steps - the loud clanging he generates at every hop and landing is mindbreaking.

At a certain point Husk started acting excited.

- What is it boy? Found something interesting? Go on then, fetch.

It burrows in another wall again, this time I follow by making a tunnel of my own with earth magic.

A simple room. No decorations. Red glow. The real dungeon core is pulsating on a pedestal.

- Cool, you found the real one. I wonder if we can do anything wi...

Husk jumps and swallows it.

- ...

Everything around us starts to shake slowly, intensity is gradually rising.

Intuition is advising to leave this place. Oh do you now? No shit, Sherlock. This must be an alternate universe where Watson was the smart one.

I grab Husk, open his mouth wide and stick my head inside.

- Oi, Medrek! No time to dilly-dally, how do we get out of here?!

- Kekeke. You fools shall be buried here forever.

- Don't give me that shit, you'll tell me either way so don't waste time.

- Humpf. Why would I?

- Because you are a fucking coward who was so afraid of death, that he ripped his damn soul from his body just to buy some more time - that's fucking why.

- ...

- ...

- ...turn 35 degrees to the left, dig four meters through the wall. There's a small hidden room with a magic formation. It is connected with city sewers.

With no time to waste I leave them and part the walls as fast as possible. Husk shrinks to the size of a big rat and bites onto my boot like a leech - I have a feeling it's tired(?). Then again, mimics aren't supposed to move around all that much and usually just lay around dormant, maybe that's why. At least I don't have to carry him in my arms.

Our escape was hectic, it took only about a minute or two for the whole thing to collapse upon itself. Pretty sure dozens of people have died as there wasn't any kind of convenient failsafe "evacuate people upon self-destruction" magic involved.

Sucks to be you then. I'm too tired to care - nearly dying twice in a single day does that to you.

We make it to the inn as is - bloodied, gory, stinking of rotten flesh and sewer, in gear that's torn to shreds and our bodies covered in wounds. I approach the landlady, hand her some silver coins and apologize in advance for wrecking the bed sheets, then walk up the stairs cutting off any further conversation.

Not now, I don't care, let me sleep.

I kick off the boots and plop on the bed, Amelia nestles close. Doesn't matter, do what you want as long as you don't wake me up.

Yaaaaawn...

◇

I doze off immediately, but the world just can't get enough of me today. Haaaaah, no rest for the wicked.

As I observe the unknown landscape, I notice an unfamiliar guest. Or, perchance, a host?

Who the heck even is this Erde character?