I will never forgive myself. I'm the most horrible person here. How can I marry her like this?

Tim interrupted my thoughts:

-you've got two choices! Tell her that you can't marry her or forget all the things and marry her.

-which one should I choose?

-you better marry her. Think about the consequences of your choice. A WAR can possibly happen! And of course you break a heart, so just marry her and don't blame yourself.

I danced with Caroline but I wasn’t looking at her. The person behind her is the reason of my thoughts and anxiety. the only way to have her in my life is to marry Caroline but I will be a betrayer all my life. A sinner.

I was watching the sky while she was talking about her wedding dress.

-I like it so much. It's like dresses in fairy tales. I can't wait to show it to aunt flora. Everyone will be jealous of us.

Damn! She's fell in love. It would be better if she still hated me.

-have you seen the dress?

-no I haven’t.

-then you will be surprised. I haven’t seen yours too and I don’t want to cause I want to be surprised too.

-it's just an usual suit.

- you will look perfect even in an usual suit.

I wanted her to stop it. It was like torture for me.

-next week is our wedding. I can't believe I accepted it. It isn’t that bad. It feels good to have someone next to you. You can tell them things you can't tell others.

-yes it's nice.

I'm unconsciously acting cold. I don’t want to break her heart but at the same time I want her to hate me.

-is it okay with you to live in our island? Don’t you miss your parents, your friends and Tim?

-of course I do but it's fine. I can come and meet them anytime I want.

-then I will miss you when you're away.

I didn’t know what to say. It's hard not to hurt her feelings and at the same time make her hate me.

-I will comeback. You wont miss me that bad!

..................

I lie down on my bed and looked at my notebook. I drew the other half of the portrait. I could see her hazel eyes through the black drawing, her blonde hair and white skin. It's the most colorful thing for me even it's black.

I spent the night drawing her face in every angle with every detail I remembered. I wanted to think about her till wedding day cause after that I wont do it ever again.

.....................

Everyone was happy. We were going back to Anama and the wedding day was near. Caroline couldn’t wait to see aunt flora again and tell her about everything she did here. I faked a smile and accompany her. In the ship she fell asleep like the first time.

I sat next to Tim. He patted my back. He understands my feelings but he just wanted me to marry Caroline. I have no choice but to marry her but how can I marry her when I don’t love her?