It’s the first time I’ve been excited to head back through the dreaded portal that likes to make you feel touched in all the wrong ways. I’ve wanted to try out my newfound strength. While it was tough last time, I ended up beating my opponents routinely with little risk of actual death, only severe maimings.

In all the excitement I’ve forgotten, there was one crucial task I promised myself to do when I come back. “Scrub harder! Those shitstains aren’t going to clean themselves!” Eve yelled at me. I forgot to flush the toilet, and now my poop has fused with the porcelain.

This was not how I expected to test my power. “Don't forget to use the cleaner!” She sure loves to boss me around. Nevertheless, I diligently clean the toilet. As sad as it is to say, this is still the only way to relieve me when I’m at home, and I’d prefer not to sit on a pile of titanite excrement as it makes it hard to flush.

After cleaning the pot, I decide to use it. I wouldn’t want to lose focus in a fight, trying not to piss myself. “Do you have to do that in front of me?” my partner's annoyed voice echoes through the cave.

“Well, what do you want me to do, piss myself later? I’m nervous enough as is about hunting down that fucker. I’d hate to piss myself.” I snort out, amused by the thought. “I know, but warn me first! You wouldn’t do that in front of a lady, would you?” she asked.

“Yeah, but you’re a part of me. You’re like an AI almost.” I rebuke. Maybe it’s my imagination, but she seemed hurt by what I said. “Maybe, but I’m still alive… I think.”

Those words struck something within me. She might have been created artificially, but it doesn’t feel like that sometimes. While she is a part of me and knows me even better than I do myself, she’s very different from me. What if she is sapient and aware of her own existence to the fullest extent.

Suppose she is stuck with me forever but desires to live life the way regular humans do. Free and autonomous, unbound by others. I couldn’t imagine seeing others around you live the life you always wanted, knowing you will never be able to do the same.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her as sincerely as possible, “I didn’t mean it like that.” She looks at me for a bit, her expression unreadable, processing my words and having conflicting thoughts of her own.

“It’s ok. I know you didn’t” She gives me a cheeky smile that doesn’t seem to quite reach her eyes. I’ll leave the topic be for now, but that certainly feels like something that I’ll ponder over for a long time.

“Anyway, here’s the plan!” She exclaims with renewed vigor, pulling me out of my thoughts. She explains how the cave is designed with floors in mind. The deeper you go, the stronger the monsters. Sometimes, monsters from the lower floors come up when no one is there to keep the population in check. “That’s where you come in, big boy.” She points at me. “Because you were too scared to go into the portal for weeks on end, this place ended up filled with all sorts of nasties, ready to chew on your skinny chest.”

Feeling exposed, I try to cover my chest as if protecting it from the unwanted gaze of a sexual predator. Though, much like in the real world, these beasts are not interested in me sexually in any way whatsoever.

“Oh please, I’m not interested in you just yet! Grow some muscles and hair. Maybe you can try then.” Her teasing of me is relentless. I wonder if I can get a skill that gives me back my hair. One day, I’ll look just like Conan, the barbarian.

“No, you won’t,” Eve deadpanned. “I didn’t say anything!” I sputter out, already feeling my embarrassment growing. “You didn’t need to. Your face says it all.” I know that she knows me best, but how am I so obvious? She can’t read my thoughts unless I actively let her.

“Because you’re predictable, Conan,” Damn, she did know what I was thinking after all. Sensing how uncomfortable I’m feeling, she tries to diffuse the situation. “Hey, we all have our dreams and aspirations, and that’s ok. No matter how impossible or unattainable they may be,” Well, she tries in her own, unique way at least.

I try to will the blood gathered in my cheeks back down. There’s bigger fish to fry than the honor of my bruised ego. “So where would I find that goblin?” She gives me a pensive theatrical pose, “Well, we’ll find the green dude and dozens of his cousins somewhere on the floor below this one, which will be quite tough as goblins usually travel in packs. You were lucky you only met one the first time.”

While I don’t feel lucky, I can certainly see her point. My minuscule nemesis may be weak, but he almost bested me. I don’t think I would’ve stood a chance if I had faced even just two of them.

“Ok then! Guess it’s back to killing rats and worms here. Though I’m hoping we’ll run through them quicker this time. So let’s get to it then!”

“One more thing before we head out…” she gives me an uncharacteristically severe look. “Your fly is down. You may want to fix that, big boy.”

God damn it, Eve. You ruined my moment.