Chapter 28

Internal conflict

I finish my report and ask. “Your majesty, what do you think we should do with this anti-magic material?”

“From what you’ve said, only an alchemist could learn more about this material, but I am loath to entrust such a dangerous item into the hands of a third party.”

“I heard there were skilled alchemists working in the castle. Do you not trust them?”

“I do, but alchemy cover many aspects, these elves are among the best with medicine and herbs, but not so much with other subjects. Not that there's anything wrong with that”

“Are there no others you can trust?”

“There are, but the same cannot be said of their entourages, not in such dangerous times, and probably never. Humans are easily corruptible; they’ve proven it time and time again. They favor themselves and their own above all others and I do not wish to see this material in enemy hand: I’d much rather see it forever unused. For now, we will store it in the royal archive until we move it to the Vault.”

“The vault? Did you get news of the excavation? Is nearing its end?”

“It does. The many golems and enchants you gifted the Queendom with, have made progress much faster than anticipated: they should reach the vault in a moon at the latest.

“Wonderful news...” Neither our discussion nor this long-awaited news has been enough to dispel my discomfort. She has knowledge about me and my kind, but also know of feelings and has commanded others in battle: she might know what plagues me. "May I ask you a question?”

“It would be my pleasure.”

“As you know, one of the knights serving me died in battle, and although I barely knew him and we never exchanged words, his death bothers me greatly.”

“How exactly? Is it sadness? A feeling of loss?”

“It is not like that... it is similar to anger, but not exactly. It was my fault and there were so many things I could have done differently… It would not have happened had I not been there, but I rejected my instinct and walked into a trap… an easily avoidable one. I was there, I knew something was wrong… I even had the means to prevent it, and yet I still let it happen!”

“I see… let me ask you a few questions. Whenever something you’ve created become widely accepted, how do you feel about it?”

What does it have to do with it? "Content, I suppose. This is something I have never experienced in my former life, I mean, people actually caring about what I do, about me… no, about anything at all! I like it when people are happy with my work, and when they praise my work, it makes me want to accomplish even more.

“This feeling is pride, although I did not know its name, then this was something my sibling, and myself experienced very early in life: whenever we did something right, Mother would smile and compliment us for our work, it was both our greatest source of encouragement and our motivation to better ourselves. Have you ever felt something like that when you were alive?”

“Never.”

“Indeed, as a general rule, your kind had no expectations for anyone and for themselves. Work was only accomplished because it had to, they took no pride or interest in it, and it never mattered who did it or how well. Amusingly, even though your people had some pride as a species, as individuals they had none. Since you came, you’ve accomplished many things, people have come to expect from you, to rely on you! By extension, you now feel obligated to answer those expectations: you have learned pride in success and shamefulness in failure.”

“Is this really what it is? I understand shame, I read the definition, but while the feeling it resembles it, I believe it is somewhat different.”

“I was hinting at something beyond that. In The City, there was no notion of rank or hierarchy, all were equals, but it also meant they were also equally replaceable. Since you have come here though, you’ve occupied a position of power, and while the people learned to depend on you, you have grown to feel responsible for them.”

“This is it! They were under my responsibility, but I failed them!”

“This is where you are mistaken, dear, the knights are not your responsibility, you are theirs! They are sworn to protect you with their lives and it is both their duty and their pride. Do not get me wrong, it is good that you feel for them, but you must not let it consume you! Sometimes, avoidable sacrifices are made: you must learn to grow from your mistakes as to never repeat them. Remember, you and they have your own duties!”

“Thank you, I feel reassured now. I was afraid that if I would become this way every time one of my knights died, it would consume me... Will you please allow me a more personal question?”

“Please do.”

“This sense of responsibility, is it something you feel for the whole country and all its people?”

“Yes, it is both my burden and my pride.”

“Honestly, it is one frightful charge I cannot envy.”

“It has been the center of my life for the longest time. Only recently did I start developing new interests.”

Cryptic. Since she offers no more information, I simply take my leaves. “Thank you for your time. I feel better now and will go back to my duties.”

“It was my pleasure. Remember, as your senior and fellow god, I am always here for you.”

What a strange way to put it… “Was this a joke?”

As usual, her face does not change, she simply tilts her head, but to me, it appears like the most radiant smile.

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Back in my workshop, I try to put myself to work but cannot. All I can see and think about is this illusive smile of hers. I always understood that gathering all these different species under a single banner to form a nation was extraordinary, but the more I learn, the more I am awed by her accomplishment.

Deep inside, it still hurts my ‘pride’ to find myself under the command of something I always deemed inferior and at the time the desire to avoid responsibilities was for a big part in my decision.

In retrospect, working under her was without a doubt the best decision I ever made: it allowed me to realize my youthful dream of leaving a lasting impression upon the world… and it also made me discover something strange, people – including myself – can have conflicting thoughts: deep inside, I still consider her less than me, but on the surface I know I will never be her match as a person.

I scoff at myself. “Stop dreaming, there is much to do and you need to refocus!”

But words alone cannot change my mindset. To clear my mind of that smile and the strange thoughts it elicited, I offer to transport the reinforcement sent to protect the anti-magical material. Long menial tasks are exactly what I need.

By the time I am done, I am ready to work on the task at hand. I take the tablets murmuring to myself. “I hope you are really worth someone’s death.”