Of course I heard him. He was making a god awful racket with all his gear scratching up my tile. It was still only 10 in the morning, so there was no major need for anything. Just wait for power…Nope. I’m going to have to make a trip to get that TV! Hehehe, I can’t wait. With three pack mules, they should be able to do a good enough job.

While lost in thought, Jesus woke up. At first he was confused, then he began to laugh with tears in his eyes, and then he noticed me.

And fainted.

I can’t be that ugly, can I? I must be. Hell, Jesus still looks like himself. Why is everyone afraid of me now? Do I have something on my face? Maggots? No? What is it?

Hmm, I think I lost some weight. Good. Got to look my best for the camera, after all.

“What the fuck are you doing here?!”

Looks like he is back at it.

“How about asking yourself that question.”

“You can talk?!”

“Yeah, and so do you. Whoop de fucking doo.”

Do I sound a little ticked? I think I sound a little ticked.

“What are you talking about? You’re a zombie!”

“Seek previous answer.”

“Heh?”

Then he looks at himself as I lead the way to the mirror in the bathroom.

CRASH

Dude, what the fuck?

Slap!

“Ouch! What the hell?!”

“You just punched my mirror, dirt bag.”

“Why would you want to see your own ugly mug anyway?”

“Your mother doesn’t mind my appearance.”

Shit. I devolved to my middle school years. And I hated middle school. At least it got him to shut up. Maybe he is thinking of a good comeback.

“Fuck you.”

Wow. Just wow. Top class. Best in show. You’re a winner, Jesus. Wait, where are you going, you have to pay me back!

“Look, Jesus.”

Good, he stopped.

“Work for me or die.”

Did I come on too strong? Maybe not enough?

“Why?”

“Are you a child? You’re a zombie now. You were a wanted criminal while alive, and now you have a bounty while you’re…undead.”

“No, I meant, why am I here like this?!”

“Because you got on the broadcast. You gained an award that unlocked the awesome use of the monitor. The crazy gadget that everyone got on Z Day.”

“Huh?”

“Did you watch the broadcast two nights ago?”

“Yeah…”

“That was me who got scratched on his first day outside.”

“Pfft HAAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!”

“Glad to know someone enjoys this.”

“HAaahh…huh…so, does this mean that whoever gets on the broadcast becomes a Variant Zombie like you and me?”

“I don’t think so. Wallace, the guy who killed a bounty zombie was also pretty much dead when he became a zombie. He was the zombie that turned me.”

“Ohh…Okay, so you getting turned was more because of an intelligent zombie.”

“No, it was because a zombie has no physical limit and can move at terrifying speeds and use monstrous strength.”

“Oh.”

“My best guess is that the Player has to be a zombie before activating the monitor. I haven’t seen enough to make a solid bet, but have you seen any other Variants around here?”

“Nope.”

“Cool. Now, will you work for me”

“No.”

“Okay. Goodbye.”

Squish. There goes one of my favorite chopsticks. Shame. Stabbed right into the brain of an unsuspecting Jesus. It helps we were in the kitchen. It would have looked weird just carrying chopsticks around. It also helps that his eye was squishy But I wasn’t going to want him around anyways, since he was a mass murderer.

Huh, that sounded weird. Who am I? A vigilante hero! Of course I can do this and get away with it! Besides, no one was going to miss him. His friends are all just braindead laborers. More like gross robots.

“Clean this up, then we’re going to get a brand new TV!”

Aw man…it took us forever to move that thing. And when I say we, I mean the three chipmunks back here. Now they are in the back pedaling away, while I watch another season of DBZ I found in the mall. And eating mac and cheese…ooh sooo goooood…

Oh, looks like the broadcast is starting up again. Look, it’s me! Wait, why am I first?

“Congratulations! This region now has its own BOSS zombie! Meet the Tragic Zombie, a Variant that still holds its human morals! He saves the innocent and punishes bad guys, but he died! Who would follow a zombie? No one sane, of course! As the BOSS of the region, he has access to all bounties in it, including zombie bounties. Be careful, the Grim Reaper is upon you!”

Hmm…And it fucking zooms out to let everyone know where I live. God dammit, what a cum swallowing dick muncher. *Cough*

Looks like I better start moving…I need a van. So I spend 10 minutes to find a U-Haul and another 20 to pack it full. Just as I open the garage, there’s a whole mob outside!

Buuuut…they are carrying everything they need. Food, water, clothes. Are they going to live here? Shit, they did see my TV and mac and cheese, didn’t they…

Out of the desperate crowd comes an old man being led by a familiar little girl. When I say old man, I don’t mean walking with a cane and yelling ‘get off my lawn’, I’m talking about a heavily built old man that’s bald and scarred, looking as if he used to yell ‘get out of our country’ a lot.

Like Bruce Willis, but less movie magic.

He takes a heavy breath and asks,

“Can we live here, too?”

“Sure, I just thought you were going to kick me out.”

All of a sudden, everyone’s faces just lit up and everyone smiled.

“What’s up?”

“You saved us and even avenged us, even if you didn’t mean it.”

“I didn’t, I just needed pack mules and didn’t want good people to be wasted. So why not just use the scum of the planet?”

And with that, the three amigos, hehe I like that, came out carrying my stuff.

“Take it back, we aren’t going anywhere.”

Then I walk back into the living room as I put on my snuggie that I now wash three times a day and pull out the mac and cheese I was eating earlier. I continued where I left off at, although I could have managed to skip a couple episodes and still not miss a thing. Some of the children came in so I sprayed some febreeze to kind of mask my horrible scent as we watch Goku beat up Frieza again.

After a while, I left the kids to continue watching without me. Scratch was curled up in the lucky girl’s lap, who just so happened to be named Lucy. Lucky Lucy, how cliché.

I talked with the ‘elder’, who goes by Spotter or Spot, about the machines and my little zombie henchmen. I gave the zombies sufficient orders and walked around. The pretty mother who I saved earlier came up to give me a thank you hug but sort of just stopped a ways away.

I understand. I appreciate the thought, though.

The neighborhood once again became full of life as the people began to help make more bikes as well as other exercise machines and they even started to grow a farm. Now that they have electricity, they can boil water to make sure it gets clean.

Hah, the moon is out, the air feels cool, and my abilities will make me great!

Wait…Jesus’ ability!