As it turned out, the bees were pacifists who only wanted to be recognized as an independent sovereign nation. They were also, as Legcramp had learned, easily taken down by store-bought pest control products. After a quick spray of the hives at the base of each missile, the mutant mega-bees who only wanted to live a peaceful existence were brought to painful ends. Legcramp was loving it.

While Legcramp was still giddy with excitement, Armwrestle seemed strangely sober on their way back up to the command room.

‘I think I know why you want to destroy humanity,’ said Armwrestle.

Legcramp gave his mother a sarcastic smirk as he prepared for another one of her speeches.

Armwrestle stopped walking. ‘It’s because you’re a sadistic jerk.’

Legcramp stopped too. ‘Aren’t… all vampires sadistic?’

‘Yeah, but you don’t have to be a jerk about it.’

Legcramp kept walking. ‘I’ll keep that in mind.’

The pair arrived back at the command room to find the four agents bickering about why they didn’t think to try pest control products before blasting the bees with radiation. As always, the blame was pinned on Agent 3.

‘Ah you’re back,’ said 2. He gestured to two newly-placed folding chairs. ‘Take a seat.’

Legcramp and Armwrestle sat as Agent 5 produced a remote and turned the projector at the far end of the room on. A slide with the text THE BIG PLAN appeared, and under it read WIZARD BOMB SQUAD.

‘Just ignore that second bit,’ said 5.

Agent 2 leaned forward, his body silhouetted against the light of the projector. ‘Now that you’ve dealt with that minor distraction, we can begin discussing our plan for preventing nuclear war.’

Agent 2 waved his hand and 5 switched to the next slide. The slide consisted of four words in block letters: BLOW UP THE SUN.

‘You see,’ explained Agent 2, ‘The enemy can’t nuke us if they’re frozen to death.’

‘Sounds reasonable,’ said Legcramp.

‘Indeed. Since you don’t have denuclearization spells, we’ll have to hope the enemy doesn’t discover our plan before we’re able to execute it. As for the execution, we have developed a new type of bomb capable of destroying the Sun. Because the Sun is nuclear-powered, if we use a non-nuclear nuclear bomb, it should counteract the Sun’s nuclear-ness and un-nuclear the Sun, causing it vanish in a puff of smoke. We’ve taken the thrusters off the non-nuclear nuclear bombs to make room for more bomb, so you two will have to take them to the Sun directly.’

Armwrestle raised her hand. ‘I have multiple issues with this plan.’

‘Do tell,’ said 2.

‘Wouldn’t a non-nuclear nuclear bomb just be a normal bomb?’

Agent 2 gave a pilot chuckle ‘A fine question, my vampiric friend. Our non-nuclear nuclear bombs are made from drastically amplifying the nuclear-ness of regular nuclear bombs so much so that it circles around to become even more non-nuclear than a normal bomb. Nuclear physics operates on the horseshoe model, after all.’

‘So you’re telling me those non-nuclear nuclear bombs in the next room are massively irradiated?’

‘Of course! Why, just being in this room means we’re certainly riddled with stage seven super-cancer. Don’t worry, though. We discovered the cure for cancer quite some time ago and have been keeping it a secret as a practical joke.’

‘I don’t think vampires can get cancer,’ said Agent 3.

‘Oh, of course you would know all the vampire lore,’ said 4.

‘Quit it,’ said 2. ‘Any more questions?’ he asked Armwrestle.

‘No, not really,’ said Armwrestle.

‘Very well. After we blow up the Sun—‘

‘Oh that’s right,’ interrupted Armwrestle. ‘Blowing up the Sun is a horrible, horrible idea.’

‘Why?’ asked Agent 2.

‘You haven’t considered that you’ll freeze to death, too?’

‘No we won’t,’ said Agent 2. ‘We have centralized heating.’

Armwrestle raised a finger in objection, then lowered it with a resigned facial expression.

‘I hope your concerns have been alleviated,’ 2 said with a smile. ‘Now then, after we blow up the Sun, the enemy will be vulnerable to attack. Our scientists estimate that the weight of their winter clothing will slow their reaction speed, assuring our victory. Again, you two will assist in this manner, mainly by destroying the enemy and providing hot drinks to us that we may not share their fate.’

This plan excited Legcramp. He had no great love for the Sun, being a vampire and all, and killing a bunch of really cold people sounded like a good time. Before he could come out and profess his approval, an agent burst into the command room.

‘There’s an intruder in the launch room! He’s going to launch the nukes!’ cried the agent.

‘Oh, that’s not good,’ said Agent 2. ‘You vampires better go check it out.’

The launch room was a giant ring of complicated controls, most notably dominated by a big red button labeled LAUNCH ALL THE NUKES (DO NOT PRESS). At the button was a giant bipedal bee.

‘YOU MONSTERS KILLED MY FAMILY!’ the bee was screaming. ‘I’LL DO IT! I’LL LAUNCH THEM ALL! I’LL MAKE YOU REGRET EVER INSTALLING THIS HIGHLY DANGEROUS BUTTON!’

Legcramp scoffed and pointed a finger at the bee. A tiny jet of pressurized blood shot out from under his fingernail like a bullet and punched a hole in the bee’s abdomen. The bee dropped dead, its head threateningly close to landing on the big red button. Legcramp felt his heart flutter. He had wanted the bee to land on the button. Even though following through with the SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS’ plan sounded like so much fun, he still wanted a nuclear apocalypse. Legcramp approached the button, kicking the bee’s corpse out of the way. If he pressed the button, he wouldn’t have fun doing the plan. If he didn’t press the button, he would have to wait before killing anyone, and even then they would only be a small handful of living humans. But if he launched the nukes, he wouldn’t be able to kill anyone personally. Decisions, decisions. He thought of what Armwrestle had said: you’re a sadistic jerk. Legcramp wanted to prove her wrong. Following the plan would mean killing one, small group of people, which was clearly discrimination of some kind, whilst launching the nukes would kill everyone equally. It was clearly the morally superior option. Legcramp smiled and thought of how proud Armwrestle would be of him as he pushed the button. As it clicked into place, Legcramp remembered another thing someone had said to him: we’ve taken the thrusters off the non-nuclear nuclear bombs to make room for more bomb. Past the window to the missile silo, the bombs stood still. They couldn’t launch. They couldn’t go anywhere. They just blew up. Maybe Legcramp had made a mistake.