‘Well, I guess she’s gone,’ said Armwrestle as the park they stood in rapidly flooded with seawater.

‘Yep,’ said Legcramp, still annoyed that Armwrestle had told Neckbrace his real age. Legcramp had gone to a lot of trouble gathering flesh to make his body look larger and older than it really was. He was still sixty years away from puberty! He didn’t want to have to wait that long for people to take him seriously!

‘Think she’ll be back?’ asked Armwrestle as an eel swam past her head.

‘It’d be real anticlimactic if we never saw her again,’ said Legcramp.

Armwrestle grabbed the eel and drained its blood for a quick pick-me-up. Eel blood was always good. ‘You’re probably right,’ she said.

A skeleton swam up to Legcramp and saluted. ‘…’ it said, being unable to speak without vocal cords.

‘I see,’ said Legcramp. ‘Good work.’ He turned to Armwrestle. ‘Whatever you came here to settle, do it now. My army’s found the SSSSSFSSSSSS’ hub.’

‘Forget all this conquest crap,’ Armwrestle said. ‘Forget Earth. This isn’t what vampires do. We don’t conquer. We hunt. Let’s go on a trip. Get away from all this. We can go to Venus, get in touch with our ancestors. The Limb Tribe would be happy to take us in.’

Legcramp stomped his foot. ‘I’m not stopping now! This is my life’s ambition! This is my DESTINY!’

‘It’s just a phase,’ scoffed Armwrestle.

‘IT’S NOT A PHASE, MOM!’

Armwrestle sighed. ‘If you’re not gonna stop, at least slow down. Let’s go in and pretend we’re still helping them. Maybe we’ll steal some bombs, kill some world leaders, brew some coffee, but when their backs are turned, we strike. If you want to conquer the planet, do it the vampire way.’

Against his better judgment, Legcramp went along with Armwrestle’s plan without quite knowing why. Was it because he wanted humanity to suffer slowly? Or maybe it was because he still had some tiny nugget of affection for his mother? Nah, it was totally the former. Legcramp couldn’t wait to see the looks on the agents’ faces when he stabbed them in the back and also the front. He was going to do a lot of stabbing. Having allowed his skeleton army to pass into the great beyond, Legcramp and Armwrestle entered the SSSSSSSSF’s central hub alone. The central hub’s entrance had been deviously hidden below a sign that said CENTRAL HUB ENTRANCE, so it was no wonder it had taken so long for his army to discover it. Beyond the entrance was a tastefully decorated reception, manned by an agent behind a curved desk. His nametag read 1341.

‘Let me do the talking,’ Armwrestle whispered.

She walked up to the desk and waited. Agent 1341 was flipping through a magazine and had not seemed to notice her arrival. Armwrestle cleared her throat. 1341 did not look up. Growing impatient, Armwrestle tapped the service bell on the desk. 1341 did not look up. She tapped it several more times. 1341 looked up with a scowl on his face, then grabbed the bell and put it below the desk where Armwrestle couldn’t reach it. Looking satisfied, Agent 1341 turned back to his magazine. Armwrestle groaned in frustration, then grabbed the magazine from 1341’s hands and ate it. There was an article on the history of R’lyeh’s performing arts scene that was surprisingly delicious.

‘Hey, I was reading that,’ said 1341.

‘We’re the vampires,’ said Armwrestle. ‘You know, for preventing the apocalypse?’

‘So?’ asked 1341.

‘So, are you gonna let us in?’

1341 shrugged. ‘Okay.’

Armwrestle waited for more, then spread her hands in questioning. ‘Hello?’

‘Hello,’ said 1341.

‘Let us in.’

‘Yeah.’

Armwrestle waited for more, then threw her hands in the air. ‘ARE YOU GONNA LET US IN OR NOT?’

‘I’ve let you in.’

‘No you haven’t.’

‘Yes I have.’

‘I’m still standing right here. What part of this is let in to you?’

1341 pointed to the right. ‘Door’s right there.’

‘And?’

‘It’s unlocked.’

‘Can we… go in?’

‘If you want.’

‘Why didn’t you say that earlier?’

1341 shrugged. ‘You didn’t ask.’

Armwrestle growled, grabbed Legcramp by the wrist and marched through the door.

Not only was the SSSSSSSSSSSSSSS’ central hub exactly the same as the facility the vampires had previously been held in, the agents within it seemed entirely unaware of the chaos that had occurred outside. Legcramp had found the lowest number agent he could (23) and asked for some directions on where to go. Agent 23 did not know, but he did know that Agent 22 probably knew. So they had gone and found 22. Agent 22 did not know either, but he did know that Agent 21 probably knew. So they had gone and found 21. This continued for several hours until, finally, Agent 9 did know where the vampires were supposed to be. They were supposed to wait in reception for Agent 4 to greet them. So the vampires had gone back to reception and found a very annoyed Agent 4 waiting for their arrival.

‘You’re late,’ he said.

‘There was a problem with the train,’ Legcramp explained.

‘Ah, was it the Chekhov’s Gun?’

Legcramp nodded.

‘Thought so,’ Agent 4 said. ‘Something always goes wrong with that thing. So where’re your wands?’

‘Wands?’ Armwrestle asked.

‘Well you can’t cast spells without your wands now, can’t you?’

‘We’re not wizards,’ Armwrestle said. ‘We’re vampires.’

‘WHAT?’ Agent 4 cried, slapping his forehead. ‘I SPECIFICALLY said to get wizards! I bet 3’s responsible for this. Guy’s got some kind of fixation on you people. Well, while you’re here you might as well make yourself useful. Follow me.’

Agent 4 led the two through a door to Agent 1341’s left. A door that led directly to the main command room. Legcramp felt there may be security concerns with such a layout.

The command room was an imposing hall with one glass wall covered by a giant set of blinds, a giant projector screen and a large table with five chairs, two on either side and one at the end. Three other agents sat in the chairs by the table’s sides, and Agent 4 soon joined them, leaving only the chair at the end empty.

‘Where’s Agent 1?’ asked an agent whose nametag read 5.

‘Maternity leave,’ replied an agent whose nametag read 2.

Agent 4 turned to the agent next to him with a scowl. The agent’s nametag read 3.

‘I’m guessing you’re the guy who invited vampires instead of wizards?’ Agent 4 asked.

‘Wizards are cliché,’ said Agent 3.

‘And vampires aren’t?’ said Agent 4.

‘Hey, these vampires have an interesting twist to them that plays with genre conventions and—‘

Agent 4 laughed. ‘The history-eating thing? That’s just a gimmick to make up for the weak plot.’

‘The plot IS NOT WEAK! Sure it’s a little meandering, but it’s just getting started!’

‘A proper plot should begin in the first chapter!’ Agent 4 argued. ‘Any time later is just wasting words!’

‘Are you two done?’ said Agent 2. ‘Wizards or not, we need them.’

Legcramp stepped up to the table. ‘Need us for what?’

‘We were originally going to get the wizards to cast a denuclearization spell on our enemy, but now we have bigger problems,’ Agent 2 explained. ‘Agent 5, if you will.’

Agent 5 got up and pulled the cord to raise the blinds. Beyond the glass wall was the SSSSSSSSSSSSSS’ missile silo. Dozens of towering bombs stood at attention in the colossal warehouse, and gathered around the base of each one were giant papery formations.

‘A few days ago, Agent 94 brought in his beehives for show and tell, but accidentally dropped them in the nuclear missile silo,’ Agent 2 said. ‘None of us wanted to go near the bees, because we’re all terrified of bees, so we tried to kill them with radiation. Unfortunately, this only mutated them into a race of hyper-intelligent super bees, and they’re holding our bombs for ransom. We need to you vampires to kill them.’

Legcramp had not exactly anticipated this turn of events, but he was all for hyper-intelligent bee genocide. Perhaps working for the SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS could actually be fun.