Chapter 006

Shadow's job description should be 'harbringer of idiocy' 

Shadow - which I assume is the name of my abductor - has a pretty bad timing.

Even thought that floating message box doesn’t seem to be a physical object I can touch it and move it around. Fortunately it’s impossible to throw it, otherwise I would most likely smash it against the wall. At least it calms me down a bit. It stays there, floating in front of me, as I try various ways to dismiss it. Voice commands don’t work, and while I can touch it there is no ‘exit’ button or anything like that. But, after maybe thirty seconds, it suddenly disappears on its own. And a moment later...

*ping!*

||==========================================||

||======Varth Veles of the proud Veles family=====||

||==========================================|| Race: Human Subrace: Southern Republican Nationality: Free City of Res Occupation: Child Attributes: Health Points: 10/10 Mana Points: 0 / 0 Spell casted upon you instantly healing almost every damage. After spending all points you become as vulnerable as normal human. Mana Points represent the overall amount of power you have left, which can be used to power your spells. As well as your overall limit of that power you can store. Attributes below represent your physical limitations - 10 is average for a human.

At level 15-20-25 etc… you’ll receive actual, biological reworks of your organism. Vitality: 1 Resistance: 1 Represents the power of your health spell. The more you have it the more damage you can regenerate. Represents your natural resistance against magic and elements and actively decreases damage taken from them. Strength: 1 Endurance: 1 Represents the strength of your muscles and tendons. Actively helps you lift heavy objects and operate weapons. Represents your stamina and toughness. Passively improves your sustainability and actively decreases physical damage taken. Dexterity: 2 Agility: 2 Represents your motor coordination and increases precision in using your hands and fingers. Represents the flexibility of your whole body. Actively helps you avoid sharp objects coming your way. Intelligence: 5 Wisdom: 6 Represents your ability to think quickly. Actively enhances your nervous system thus improving your reflexes. Represents your ability to learn, memorize things, and associate facts. Actively enhances your abstractive thinking. Attributes below represent your social skills.

They are represented in a range from 0 to 100. Charisma: 0 Attractiveness: xD 1 Represents your ability to persuade others to do your bidding. Actively enhances your ability to control your facial expressions and makes them look much more genuine. Represents your appeal in the eyes of people who feel attracted to your gender. Higher levels of this attribute can enhance your charisma. Intimidation: 0 Fear: 2 Represents your ability to intimidate others to obey your orders. Actively helps you appear more dangerous regardless of situation. Represents the fear people experience near you. High levels of this attribute can enhance your intimidation. Faith: 1 Fame: 1 Represents the strength of your alliance with the gods. The stronger your belief the more they like you up there. Represents how easy it is for people to recognise you from your name, face or accomplishments. High levels of this attribute can enhance your charisma and intimidation. Menus: Skills Spells (LOCKED) Quests Active Effects Possessions (LOCKED) Companions (LOCKED) Options Real Life Game System by Shadow666 <3…

Current number of users… 1

Huh.

I can see several interesting things here. Especially Health Points. That bastard found quite a clever way to introduce HP into perfectly normal… except for magic, world. Now I can’t help but wonder about… details. Will it work on injuries which don’t carry the risk of death? What about twisted ankle? Or bruises? Is it instant? Is it painful? Will it regenerate me after decapitation? Furthermore, would it prevent choking? With a garrotte? Or, grrr, a pillow? And what if I were to be poisoned? Mending by itself won’t do much with the toxin still in my blood. Or would it just allow me to survive a bigger dose?

I can’t really test any of that… I don’t know how I could injure myself without making a noise that would make Vallir barge into the room. Not to mention that I don’t have even the slightest intention of harming myself. Well… it’s not like I’m going to get decapitated/strangled/poisoned in the near future, right? Sooner or later I’m going to get injured on its own one way or another - I’m a child after all - so testing may wait till then. I can only hope that Shadow, aside from being an ugly bastard son of a bitch, isn’t an idiot and didn’t forget to exclude instant healing of insignificant injuries like bruises or small cuts… Their immediate disappearance would be hard to explain.

0/0 Mana Points was to be expected. After all Shadow warned me about it earlier. It’s still a shame that he was right, magic was the one thing I couldn’t stand waiting for… and I still can’t. But for now that part about ‘reworks’ is much more interesting. I can understand that, at least when strength is considered, they’re there to make me - in a distant future - superhumanly strong without making me look like an extreme bodybuilder. But the rest? Increasing my intelligence or wisdom to ten points would actually mean… rebuilding my brain? Or maybe nervous system? That’s pretty extreme. And I’m sure painful as hell.

My current stats... Maybe I never really played any MMO - my few attempts resulted in spectacular failures I’d rather forget - but I always loved single player RPGs. And because of that I have no problem understanding the simple fact that I’m screwed. At least partially. Goddamnit! This is a fucking magicless magician build!

Social skills are much less depressing, maybe with a small exception for ‘Attractiveness xD’ - Shadow, you asshole… Two points in fear most likely came from Iar’e still being scared of me. Now, one of my main questions is - what the fuck is going on with the faith stat. I wonder what can it give me. With 100 points they’ll be inviting me for dinner every sunday or something? I don’t even know anything about any local gods! Beside the fact that one is supposed to be in the Res’s temple.

Although… Shadow might be a god. But if that’s the case I may actually consider conversion to atheism… or rather antitheism, as you can’t really be an atheist if you know that gods exist, but you still refuse to worship them because they’re assholes.

And… there is nothing that’s even slightly similar to levels, there are only stats. Hmph. I wonder how am I supposed to increase them if there’s no levels. Will I have to… train? Oh damn, please! Anything but that! Although… I have no idea how could I train my resistance or vitality… Getting violently beaten can’t really empower a regeneration spell, can it? Besides, I’m more of a type of person who could be described as ‘talented but lazy’. Every attempt at learning a new skill on my own, using the method of long and diligent studying ended in a spectacular crash of a talent car with a thick brick wall of eternal procrastination.

*ping!*

||===================||

||=====Varth Veles=====||

||===================|| Race: Human Subrace: SouthernRepublican Nationality: Free City of Res Occupation: Child Attributes: Health Points: 10 / 10 Mana Points: 0 / 0 Physical attributes: Vitality: 1 Resistance: 1 Strength: 1 Endurance: 1 Dexterity: 2 Agility: 2 Intelligence: 5 Wisdom: 6 Social attributes: Charisma: 0 Attractiveness: 1 Intimidation: 0 Fear: 2 Faith: 1 Fame: 1 Menus: Skills Spells (LOCKED) Quests Active Effects Possessions (LOCKED) Companions (LOCKED) Options Real Life Game System by Shadow666 <3…

Current number of users… 1

I guess the system somehow figured out that I finished reading the the tutorial and so the descriptive windows disappeared. And now I can finally explore the Menus section. I may think of Shadow as an asshole but I have to admit - he may have created that most convenient to use interface I’ve ever seen. The first button I push is the one labeled ‘skills’.

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||=====Skills=====||

||==============|| Combat System: Active: NONE Passive: NONE Magic: Proficiencies: NONE Affinities: Magically Talentless:

When it goes to magic your talent is literally nonexistent. You are absolutely, totally magicless. And it doesn’t even give you any antimagic bonuses. Too bad for you ;_;

Better hurry towards gaining magic… oh no, I forgot - you can’t. You can’t do shit about it till your 16th birthday ;_; It’s a real tragedy.

Master Miscellaneous: Lingual: Itavian (Southern Republican variant):

You possess moderate skills in using the Southern variant of Itavian language. This allows you to communicate freely with people who are capable of using it, but you are yet to learn how to write or read.

Intermediate Social: NONE Utilities: NONE Real Life Game System by Shadow666 <3…

Current number of users… 1

Well… Magical talentless skill looks more or less like another one of Shadow’s bad jokes… I think I’m getting used to them by now... The language skill is actually a bit depressing. Word southern suggest that there’s at least one more Itavian language… plus, it’s just a variant, which suggests a possibility that there’s a shitload of languages in this world, just like on Earth.

Too bad, I kinda hoped for it to turn out like some of the RPG-worlds where you can easily communicate using only one or two languages everywhere… damn you, realism!

||======================||

||=====Spells LOCKED=====||

||======================||

This function is currently LOCKED. Real Life Game System by Shadow666 <3…

Current number of users… 1

Out of curiosity I tried clicking the spells button, but something like this appeared. So, let’s try checking out quests next. If every secondary menu is going to be as deserted as this first one it’s gonna be a breeze.

||================||

||=====Quests=====||

||================|| Unchangeable Main Quest: Ragnarök Delayed You are now playing a game you don’t understand. You don’t know the rules, you don’t know who plays with you…But you must win. And to achieve that you need to learn the rules… And find a way to break them. Or write them anew.

For now follow Shadow's orders. He wants you to be a hammer that will shatter this world’s political and economical order. While doing that, look for clues about fate of the Old Empire, and the truth about Lost Deities.

Avoid the Old Gods’ attention at all cost.

Success conditions:

World Stability Old Empire Capital discovered

Fate of Old Empire discovered

Truth about Lost Deities discovered

Progress:

World Stability 100%

Rewards:

??? Secondary Main Ouest: End of Veles Family? You were born as a part of ancient bloodline of Veles. This family has long since fallen from grace. The corruption within grows and its members are too busy fighting each other to cleanse it. The power of family slowly fades.

Will you become family’s head, and reform it to become more powerful than ever? Or maybe you find it’s sins not redeemable… and you will decide to destroy it?

Only time will tell.

Success conditions:

(one of the following is true)

Varth Veles is the Head of the family

Slave trade controlled by Veles is destroyed

Varth Veles is a sole survivor of the family

Veles successfully framed for plotting a revolt against the city of Res

Progress:

Naharius Veles Senior is the Head of the family

Veles slave trade on its peak

45 family members alive

Veles reputation remains untarnished

Rewards:

(depends on which conditions were met)

Gaining control of Veles family

??? Secondary Main Ouest: Followers, Servants and Allies (FSA) There is no way for you to finish your mission alone. You will need help from other people. It’s not easy to find people you can trust. Most of your supporters will never knew the truth about you.

Search for people that can be of use and recruit them to your cause.

Success conditions:

Recruit a follower whom you trust enough to tell the entire truth… and link him to Real Life Game System

Recruit at least seven companions without knowledge of who you really are

Rewards:

??? Side Quest: Dish Best Served Cold When Iverie murdered your brother you were too young and too weak stop her. You could only be a powerless witness.

But… things change.

Success conditions:

(one of the following is true)

Kill Iverie

Be a part of a scheme that leads to her death

Rewards:

(depends on which conditions were met)

??? Side Quest: Dark Lord Your received a blessing from a Lost Deity. There are still many of them out there who can be... persuaded to assist you by clearing various requirements.

You will need every possible blessing to finish your mission… but unfortunately you don’t know what those requirements are. Continue to do evil deeds to unlock more blessings.

Success conditions:

All blessings received

(other conditions will be unlocked after gaining access to magic)

Rewards:

??? Side Quest: FSA: Lena Your half-sister Lena is younger than you… and alone. As a single person from her family who treats her as a human being you can influence the way she will grow and thus gain a truly helpful and trustworthy companion.

Success conditions:

Lena Veles possess knowledge about Lost Deities existence

Lena Veles is a follower of Varth Veles

Rewards:

??? Side Quest: FSA: Gavlan Your bodyguard – Gavlan - is a capable warrior. While his ardent faith in Old Gods makes him incapable of accepting the knowledge about who you really are his hatred towards slavery and current state of the world can be of use as a way to recruit him.

Success conditions:

Gavlan is freed from slavery

Gavlan decides to remain in Res and serve you

Optional conditions:

Find a way to weaken his faith, to make him capable of accepting the full truth

Rewards:

??? Side Quest: Coup de grâce While your… intrigue managed to severely cripple your uncle’s influence within your family, if given enough time he will recuperate by persuading others that he was framed by your father.

You should find a way to eliminate him… decisively.

Success conditions:

Lenniel is dead or banished

Iar’e is dead or banished

Rewards:

??? Side Quest Academic Knowledge You are new to this world. To ruin it, you must firstly understand it. Gaining common knowledge is a necessity but it’s not going to be enough. You will also need insight into politics, trade, sociology, geography, history… and many other subjects.

Not to mention learning languages as there are plenty of them out there.

Success conditions:

A tutor

Access to a library

Fluency in at least four languages

Rewards:

??? Side Quest: Every Dark Lord’s Necessity What kind of Dark Lord can exist… without his faithful harem!

Begin gathering some nice girls : D

Or boys. Or trees. Or horses. Or whatever!

I’m too busy not giving shit about stupid details to be intolerant.

Success conditions:

Harem! Harem! Harem!

Progress:

Well, no progress so far… which is understandable as you have only five years… but you still suck D : Not literally as that would be some kind of a progress in that quest D :

Rewards:

Oh, I guess they will reward you in MANY different ways, hihihihi : D Real Life Game System by Shadow666 <3…

Current number of users… 1

Okay… so much about it being a breeze. At least descriptions of those quests are somewhat enlightening. Especially one of this ‘Unchangeable Main Quest’ - ‘Old Empire’ sounds like a stereotypical long-lost-but-very-fucking-powerful civilization. I never heard about it, but it’s not surprising as people don’t really talk about world history in this mansion. I’ll just need to ask a few questions to my tutor… as soon as I get one.

So… considering this and a part about blessings from ‘Lost Deities’ I can safely assume that Shadow himself is a ‘Lost Deity’, and is somehow connected to this Old Empire, and have a bunch of friends that are yet to show up. Also the ‘Old Gods’ must refer to the goddess-protector of Res, and her friends from other cities, right? I mean, that’s the only deity I heard about so far. But after a moment of thinking - that’s only a possibility. I can only hope she is an Old God, as that would… narrow things down a little.

It’s actually quite complicated. I could assume that Shadow is one of the Old Empire’s deities, but he doesn’t really look like a deity at all. And if Old Empire really is this mighty ancient civilization… then why the hell would they worship some… thing like that?! With his ‘oh, I can’t say this, and I can’t say that’ attitude he could just as well simply falsify the quest description to make me think that way. He looks like a deceiving and scheming, insane little bastard. And the longer I think about it… that son of a bitch can be someone’s equivalent of Satan. Which would make me local Antichrist.

I always fucking dreamed of a career like that… Just fucking perfect.

Plus… if he really is a god - let’s drop the monotheistic Archenemy option for now since it’s too depressing - originating from a long-lost-but-very-fucking-powerful civilization, then why would the Res’s diety be described as an ‘Old God’? Shadow would be the older one here… Aaaargh, it’s just so fucking complicated. Shadow should have chosen Iverie as his tool, that bitch has similar mind when it comes to scheming and such.

It’s a shame that Shadow didn’t prepare any ‘codex’ with summarized information about the world know to a ‘player’. I always liked to read them in games. On the other hand given enough time I should be able to somehow comprehend this world using more traditional methods.

Alright, onwards to active effects.

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||=====Active Effects=====||

||=====================|| Perpetual Revolution

Blessing of Shadow

[Lesser] You have received a lesser blessing of Shadow, Lost Deity of anarchy, revolution, shadow, night and moon. Learning skills +10%

Lesser resistance to mental debuffs.

Your flashes of intuition will be accurate much more often. Real Life Game System by Shadow666 <3…

Current number of users… 1

Only one active effect... But it actually confirms two things. Shadow really is a deity, and his sphere of influence is actually quite fitting. I hope he doesn’t expect me to worship him, as he looks like the exact type of deity I would prefer to avoid. The second revelation is that now I know the reason behind those ‘weird hunches’ I had a few times. Like ‘she is a problem’ near Iverie. I wonder what does the ‘I HATE YOU’ around my uncle is supposed to tell me. Well, nevermind - I’ll probably understand it eventually.

Possessions and companions are both locked and the only one left is the options menu. But before opening it I face a small problem. All those opened windows are still floating in front of me as I don’t know how to close them. This clusterfuck of black windows is getting annoying. I spend few moments trying to figure out how to make them disappear… Voice commands still don’t seem to work but after some trial and error I find out that if I touch their titles - they go away.

Click, click, click… and then… by accident I close the main status window.

At first I don’t find this as a problem and close the rest as well...

But then I realise that I have no idea how to open this interface again.

Trying to keep my voice low, so that my night guardian won’t hear me, I whisper several typical keywords you would expect to open the interface in this situation. Nothing. Few gestures I’m able to come up with also don’t seem to have any effect. I guess the knowledge from all the novels, manga and anime isn’t as usable in real life as one would hope. I read and watched literally hundreds of them… and by far it didn’t give me anything, beside irritation over clicheness.

Back to the topic, let’s think about this some more. What sort of interface opening trigger could be set by a mad deity that seemingly finds joy in making fun of me? I’m afraid the answer is - I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA! This could be literally anything, from a mad dance to self harm using something sharp… or a spoon. It’s impossible for me to find out and trying anything without knowing what is it exactly would be ridiculous, tedious and - ultimately - pointless.

Thinking about this as an actual game there should be an option allowing customisation of such trigger somewhere in the options menu… but I can’t access it now!

Hey, Shadow… are you listening? How about a little help? Because, you know, in this situation, your appearance WOULD ACTUALLY BE USEFUL FOR ONCE! And look, you’d be able to make fun of me and this little problem of mine!

For a second I kinda expected him to somehow answer, but… nope, no such luck for me. Great, just great. Fun-fucking-tastic to be precise. Now it’s certain - I’m the shittiest reincarnated ‘hero’ ever. I don’t know how many real reincarnated heroes the apparent multiverse had… but I’m positive that I’m the very first one to not be able to open his own interface...

Okay, for now let’s settle with ’It’s all Shadow’s fault in the first place!’ because I really need to go to sleep. Tomorrow - when the shit’ll hit the fan - and everyone will find out about my brother’s death - I’ll better not look like sleep-deprived zombie. Besides… maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to figure something out regarding this whole mess?

It’s damn hard to fall asleep when you know that your dead brother’s body lies on the other side of the wall.

* * *

Waking up to a screaming woman is kind of what I expected. And, weirdly enough, it’s slowly becoming a routine for me. Next thing I know is my guardian shaking my arm and asking if I’m ok. He’s my bodyguard after all and if they found my brother dead I’m his priority again. I ensure him that everything is ok and he leaves the room, I guess he heard my father approaching because I can hear them talking for a short while.

The conversation is quickly over and it seems like father rushed to my brother’s room. The scream following right after the bang of opening doors hitting the wall is filled with anguish and despair.

* * *

Ok, I honestly didn’t think that my brother’s death would affect him so much. I may sound biased but he isn’t as bad as I thought he was before the whole ‘my uncle is touching me’ incident. It actually seems like he is sensitive enough to actually nearly break after losing his bastard son who so far gave him nothing but trouble. His first reaction after seeing his lifeless body two days ago was pretty much only the beginning. After wallowing in… whatever it is that people are supposed to wallow in… for some time, he switched into apathy and that’s pretty much his condition even now.

Which in itself serves as another proof backing my ‘hypothesis’ that he’s the only one in this entire family who’s not an asshole. Just a relatively average person who follows the general trends because defection from his family and it’s values is just something unthinkable. Which is just a perfectly expected result of all the conditions around him. Not to mention the current culture of the whole society. How did the saying go? All it takes for evil to succeed is for good men to do nothing…

But it’s not like he’s completely broken. His eyes aren’t lifeless and given enough time he will shake it all off. However for the time being he is of no use, so grandfather was the one to organize the funeral. And I must admit that for someone not originally from this world the funeral rites in Res are quite… peculiar. As far as I know this world - or at least the area I happened to be born in - doesn’t really have any concept of afterlife, so the funeral is more like a sacrifice to the goddess of water that is worshipped here. Bodies are cremated and the ashes are thrown into the sea or a river. At least that’s how it is for the poor. Rich families, like Veles, have a little different approach.

They have tombs. Every wealthy family has one. It’s nothing more than a place filled with pedestals on top of which there are stone bowls filled with water mixed with ashes. The only ‘decorations’ are a name, dates of birth and death written on the pedestal, and the names of the dead’s parents. Our family tomb is, quite surprisingly, right below the mansion. One of the usually closed rooms in the main building turned out to be a spiral staircase leading to a basement from which one can access the tomb. But the biggest surprise is my brother’s funeral itself.

Sometime during the preparations I overheard a conversation between two slaves about my brother’s situation in the family. And based on what I heard, having a child with a slave isn’t as rare as recent events would suggest. It’s heavily frowned upon and considered as something really bad - especially because of a strange believe that slaves are somehow ‘worse’ than free people, but it happens from time to time. Even despite the supposed existence of contraceptives (hell knows how effective those are since this place is a sick parody of middle ages mixed with ancient Rome and with added magic) and the fact that most races are just incompatible and can’t crossbreed no matter how hard one could try. Turns out there are actually rules and regulations in place to deal with situations where one has a child with a slave. I’m not sure though if they are official laws or just what people silently agreed to do.

Anyway - owner of a slave can in fact legitimize the child and said child can be treated as a heir, but if he or she has any fully legitimate half-siblings they have priority over him or her. However it’s a rather rare occurrence for anyone to legitimize a bastard. It happens, yes, but it’s a giant afront towards the rightful spouse. On the other hand it’s a convenient safeguard if one of the spouses turns out to be infertile and there’s a need for a hier… Dynastic thinking for the win, I guess…

On the other hand, if the owner of a slave in question refuses to acknowledge the child, their family can still ‘adopt’ it. It’s as if it was an orphan - now under care of the family. It’s actually a rather common practice as such children can be properly educated and later become helpful in managing family business. They are generally really loyal, as their parent - or after his or her death, the family head - can legitimize them anytime they see fit. That ‘adopted orphan’ could also get betrothed to a member of a different wealthy family. Although I have no idea why the ‘slaves are worse than free people’ belief doesn’t apply here… Anyway, both ways conclude with them living peaceful lives full of riches, so being loyal is definitely tempting. Actually, as far as I know, Lena is an example of such adoption. And from the conversations I - once again - overheard, I know that the Veles are planning for her to eventually help with our family bookkeeping…

The last option, however, is for the master to denounce the child, who then ends up as his slave with only one parent. Which is a pretty heartless thing to do, but it happens from time to time. And generally there’s no way to revert such denouncement.

Back to the topic, when we enter the tomb for the ceremony, there’s my father’s name written as a parent on the pedestal prepared for my brother’s ashes. I can hear shocked whispers among some of the less prominent family members. Only that daughter-of-a-bitch Iverie doesn’t look shocked at all. This pretty much explains why she murdered him - Naharius must’ve legitimized my brother in secret, but she somehow found out about it.

The ritual itself is short. The body was cremated earlier, so all my father have to do is to pour ashes into the bowl. He’s accompanied by - no surprise there - a young woman with a metal collar around her neck instead of his actual spouse. I assume she’s the mother of my half brother. Her presence is a part of the children burial rite here in Res, however my mother probably isn’t happy about it. Especially since the slave in question is more or less ten years younger than her, and much prettier. Even putting aside father’s probable infatuation, I’m not surprised that he prefers to spend time with her instead of his wife.

Soon we all leave the tomb, leaving only Naharius and his slave behind. According to Gavlan ‘they want to be alone for a bit’. Which ultimately confirms that my father found a replacement for his wife - who, after all, betrayed him first. And who - if he could - he’d most likely happily throw out of the family, proceed by releasing his lover and immediately marry her.

However, as all of that is most likely impossible - Naharius won’t act against his father and the family patriarch wants his son’s marriage to survive - I can assume that chances for me to have any more siblings are astronomically low.

And now, shortly after the ceremony ended, begin the feast.

I don’t really enjoy it. Being in the same room as Iverie is making me want to break something. I barely even notice what I’m eating and that my father entered the room. He looks like a shadow of his former self. Especially because of the bags under his eyes. After one or two hours I begin having a little headache so I excuse myself and go back to my room with Gavlan following me. I’m also really sleepy - even despite it still being a few hours till dusk. I fall asleep really quickly.

Then… there are dreams. Quite vivid. People and places from both of my lives mixed together into something totally incomprehensible. The theme slowly starts becoming darker and darker. And finally… it turns into a nightmare.

I’m inside of a building. A palace or castle, built from massive blocks of dark stone I don’t recognize. Everything is shrouded in a vibrant darkness which somehow doesn’t restrict visibility. The room I’m in is enormously spacious, all I can see is a forest of pillars that seems to continue without end - no walls in my sight - and a throne in front of me. Shadow is sitting on it. This time he looks much more evil-godlike. The only part of his body that’s still a black whirlwind is his face. The rest is covered by what looks like a sinister set of black armor with thorns as a motive. It’s decorated with a crude image of sickle-like red moon painted on his chestplate. His body is strangely slim, I kinda expected the Evil God Of Madness to look more… macho? Especially in his magnificent Black Armor of Badassitude.

“Damn, what a creepy nightmare.” I mumble to myself but before I can do anything else I receive a powerful kick in the stomach.

I fly backwards, piercing through several pillars. And… IT HURTS, IT SO FUCKING HU… wait, it hurts? Which means…

“Yes.” I hear Shadow’s voice while trying to stand up, I can see his face very, very close to my own. He looks pissed. “This is, more or less, reality. And because of that ‘more or less’ you still live after that kick.”

“Fuck, you know you could’ve just pinch me!”

“Sure I could, but kicking you was so much more enjoyable.” I’m trying to come out with a retort but before anything leaves my mouth he smiles wryly and without any sign of joy in his eyes. “Besides… I just had to somehow punish you for being SO MUCH OF AN IDIOT and dying already!”

What?

“Dying. You know - the moment when your body becomes unable to continue living, and your soul… well, that part depends on whom you ask.“ He starts laughing out of nowhere. “Who like who, but you should be pretty knowledgeable in the subject, it’s your second time after all.”

“How? Was it Iverie?” He helps me up. Despite receiving his kick and piercing through several stone pillars I’m not even wounded, but i guess it’s not all that surprising since I’m already dead and all…

“Looks like my blessing’s working. A bit too late, perhaps?“ Another burst of laughter. “Victim’s cause of death - cerebral hemorrhage. Looks like someone really raised his blood pressure. Yeaaaaah.” And then he puts on a pair of sunglasses out of nowhere.

“Horatio Caine from CSI: Miami’s opening scene. Sweet… you got any more of them references to my world? NO! Cerebral Hemorrhage?! What the…” But he doesn’t let me finish.

“It’s a fantasy world. From your perspective anyway. The are like billions of various poisons and toxins out there if you know where to look for them. And I must point out that this particular one is actually really awesome.” He looks so genuinely enthusiastic about it… ”When added to food or beverage its effects start as a little headache and sleepiness. But when the victim *wink* falls asleep… it fries the brain. Side effects – realistic but crazy dreams and nightmares. Cerebral hemorrhage is this train’s last stop. Though even if someone wakes the victim before it’s all over there’s always at least slight brain damage devolving a healthy person into a retard or a vegetable. Thankfully this state would last only until the victim falls asleep again, as then… bam! Cerebral hemorrhage.” A second of silence, and yet another burst of laughter. “Damn, I really like those words. ‘Cerebral hemorrhage’ sounds soooooo awesome and intelligent.”

I decide to ignore his nonsense. “So, what you’re saying is that this way it would look like a natural death.” I think out loud. “And even if someone would decide to do an autopsy, all that could be found are signs of a…”

“Cerebral hemorrhage!” Can’t you just shut up for a moment?! “Well, of course if twenty people die because of it one night in a single house, everyone would know that it was this poison. But if it happens once at a time to a single person…”

“Especially someone who was thought to have mental problems when he was younger.” This time I’m the one to interrupt. “Iverie would easily persuade anyone that it was all because of a hidden disease, that damaged my brain when I was younger. First retardation and then…“ I notice what I’ve done a second too late.

“CEREBRAL HEMORRHAGE!!!” Oh God, if only I had something sharp… I really want to stab Shadow. To death. WITH A FUCKING SPOON. “Think like that too much, and in the future I’ll grant you a magic spoon as a divine artifact.” Obligatory burst of laughter… “Watching you stabbing people with it would be GLORIOUS! You would be so pissed at me, that you’d end up getting…“ Oh please no. “CEREBRAL HEMORRHAGE!!!”.

AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! The worst part is that this guy could really do this. And being known as ‘The Dark Lord of The Magic Spoon’ by this world’s future generations isn’t the peak of my dreams. “It’s hard to refuse Iverie being merciless and clever with killing off obstacles.” I continue in a grim tone. “I wouldn’t be surprised if after losing both of his sons in such a short time Naharius would give up his sanity… or life. After that it would be just a matter of time till auntie killed uncle Lenniel and secure her position for good. Pretty cunning. Evil to the bone, but clever.” Shadow only nods. His little smirk after I mentioned ‘auntie and uncle’ can only be a silent mockery of me treating the Veles as my family. “Is that poison something well known?”

“No, not really.” He answers promptly. “Well, it’s known just enough for me to tell you a bit about it without breaking any rules.” Rules? “It’s one of the Old Empire’s glorious inventions. Diluted in water 1:1000 it ends up as a harmless drug that can be used to stimulate vivid dreams. It can also be used as a lubricant for heavy machinery involving magic. And rubbed into skin in small quantities restores magic power. Quite useful but hard to create so it’s pretty rare. Well, it was hard to create by the Old Empire, because with today’s technology it can’t be replicated.”

For some reason I’m sure that if I ask anything about the Old Empire I’ll hear something along the lines of ‘sorry, can’t say anything about it'. Enhanced intuition strikes back. Shadow smiles wryly when I think that.

“Oh, and by the way…” Before I have a chance to say anything he’s speaking again. “It looks like it’s linked to a strange underground ‘cult’ that’s currently under the Temple’s investigation. They already used this poison in a few assassinations, so they definitely have access to it. And no, this isn’t breaking the rules as long as you already heard about it but simply forgot because you were sleepy back then.”

This might be a useful tip… This cult, whatever it is, must be connected to both Iverie and that magician who helped her. And because of that… wait… interface! “Thank God I just remembered… You see, I can’t open my interface because I accidentally closed it before reaching the options screen and there was nothing in the tutorial about…”

“You did what?!” He starts laughing really, really hard and speaks through that laughter. “And just so you know, it’s totally not like I already knew about it from watching you all the time but simply decided not to help you because observing your desperate struggle was oh so very funny.”

“Oh fuck you.”

“In your dreams.” More laughter… This time even I smile a bit. Bad sexual innuendos are always good. “Well, changing activation trigger is pretty much the first option there. But you know, aside from your blessings and quests I can’t change anything in the system anymore so everything is just set to default. Lucky for you I can inform you what the default is.” I have a terrible feeling about this…

“And just what the hell is the default trigger?!”

“Well… It’ll be easier if I just show you!”

I start hearing music coming from everywhere and I’m forced to watch an evil god of madness performing a dance from the ‘Gangnam Style’ video…

No.

NO.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Oh God, why?!

At least no one will ever know about this except the two of us, right?!

I manage to complete the short dance sequence on a SIXTH FUCKING ATTEMPT! And by now Shadow completely lost it… He’s rolling around laughing uncontrollably and bouncing off the pillars, like some kind of maniacal billiard ball… Seeing the interface window opening before me gives me the feeling of relief that can’t even be described.

I click - carefully, as accidentally closing it again would be worse than death (at least according to my personal experience so far) - on the options button. I ignore most of them - there will be a time later for proper exploring - and focus on the first one. ‘Interface Activation Trigger - Gangnam Style dance’. To the right from it there’s an arrow, just one. I hope for it to expand a list of possible choices, but when I touch it the trigger just changes from ‘Gangnam Style dance’ into ‘Cut out a maiden’s heart with an obsidian knife.’

WHAT?!

“Hey, it wasn’t me!” Shadow is suddenly standing in front of me. “Most of them were added by my… ahem… friends and colleagues. But don’t worry, there can’t be too many of them.”

I switch to the next and read it out loud. “Participate in an orgy with thirteen black prostitutes and a tamed armadillo.” Wait… what?! I glance at Shadow, but he is currently too busy admiring the ceiling. Oh for fuck’s sake… N… next?

“Perform a Black Mass with at least forty participants on a cemetery at midnight.” JUST HOW CAN IT EVEN BE A FUCKING INTERFACE ACTIVATION TRIGGER?! Next.

“Sell a dangerous drug to an underage.”… That one is actually more evil than idiotic. Next.

“Wearing human skin as clothes stand on your head and recite ‘Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn’ backwards thirteen times." … I actually have problems deciding if the ‘gods’ I’m serving are a band of idiots… or creepy bastards… maybe both? The title of creepy-idiot-bastards quite suit them, at least if they’re all similar to Shadow. Next.

“Jump from the rooftop of a building that is at least twenty stories high while singing The Ode to Joy.” How about no? Next.

“Kill a person by hitting him repetitively with a spoon.” Is Shadow adding this shit when I am not looking?! Next.

“Scream as loud as you can in a public place.” Well.. that’s a bit impractical. Next.

“Run a marathon on one leg.” Em… no. Next.

“Tear your arm out and wave at someone with it.” … Next.

“Eat a tiger.” No? Next.

“Let yourself be eaten by a tiger.” What? … Next.

“Tame a tiger and make it dance the Gangnam Style dance” … Does one of them have some kind of an obsession over tigers?! Next.

“Gather big number of tigers, kill them, reanimate them as zombies, and then let them create a havoc on the streets of a big city creating one and only Night Of Living Tigers!”……………………….. apparently yes, very much so. Next.

“Make sweet sweet love to a ti…” NEXT.

“Say tiger.” Next… Wait, no! It was actually quite normal…

“Have sex with a tree.” … unlike this one. Well, I can’t move back BECAUSE THERE’S JUST ONE ARROW BUTTON! Next...

“Let a tree have sex with you.” Just… how… nevermind, I don’t even want to know in case there actually ARE such trees around. Shadow suddenly starts laughing… even louder than he was all this time. Next. God, please, let it be something normal. PLEASE.

“Oppa Gangnam Style dance”.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

I despair for a moment. My dark thoughts accompanied by never ending laughter of a mad deity that once again is rolling on the floor bouncing off of pillars. Shit, I’ll have to settle with the ‘Say Tiger’ one, right?

I click the right button repeatedly and eventually arrive to ‘Make sweet sweet etc.’. Then I click once again.

‘Have sex with a tree.’

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? I click right button again. ‘Let tree have sex with you.’ and again…

“Gesture (presets).” Shadow stopped rolling and instead is standing few meters away from me, whistling something and once again admiring the ceiling. Totally. Not. Suspicious. Well, I’m not going to say anything… for once he has done something useful. My level of hatred towards him has just been lowered from infinity to infinity minus one. Great job!

Below the ‘Interface Activation Trigger - ’ another option shows up, labeled ‘Gesture Presets’. I immediately search through it. Majority is idiotic and impractical (like using your hand to mimic movements that are commonly associated with masturbation) but… finally…

“Reach with your right hand as if the status window was already there. WHY COULDN’T YOU MAKE THIS A DEFAULT?!”

“Because it wouldn’t work if you didn’t know to do it…” Shadow, with a serious face, made a serious remark. WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO SHADOW?!

“So… it would be exactly the same as the current default?”

“Well… yeah! But booooooriiiiiiing!” Nevermind, he’s back.

I hate him. Well.. at least now we can finally get back to business!

“So… you’re going to resurrect me now, right?” He nods to that. “Could you maybe… emm… modify me and my surroundings a bit?”

“Depends on what do you mean by ‘a bit’.”

“I mean, could you leave detectable traces of poison in my body? Add signs of me vomiting in the bathroom sometime in the evening. “ I can see his eyes opening widely.

“Ohhh, so that’s your ‘Master Plan’ this time. Certainly interesting. Has potential to be amusing. And it can be done without breaking the rules! Sure, I’ll do it.”

Suddenly I feel myself falling into darkness. But before it devours me completely I manage to ask one final question.

“Wait! What are the rules?!”

His only answer is laughter…