Wanting to test my theory, I tried to say ‘test’. Buuuutttt, it turns I didn’t have very good control over my lungs or vocal cords…

“Appproberboo hipppppp”

Alright, that did NOT go as planned, and the sound carried on for far longer than I expected. But at least I’m pretty certain I felt my lips move. Does this mean I have to re-learn everything about this body, how to move and all that? Oh man, that sucks.

Voices registered on my hearing all around me, but I couldn’t make anything out. The sounds were strange too, almost like something coming over a radio in another room. Opening up my eyes was out of the question; not only did I not know how, but the light in the room was blinding even through my eyelids.

I felt what I thought was motion and pressure as something suddenly changed. I felt warmer than before, and the dominant sound became one of the higher pitched voices. I even felt a faint rumbling in conjunction with the sounds, as if I was being held close to someone’s chest. Oh holy crap, was this my mom? I didn’t even know what to think.

As the adrenaline of being born (the pain was totally gone by this point) wore off, I started feeling immensely tired. I struggled against it, but it was a hopeless fight; seconds later I was fast asleep.

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I woke up sometime later to a startlingly urgent sense of… hunger? Yeah, I’m pretty sure I was hungry. Either that or there were worms slowly burrowing through my chest. Regardless, now seems like a great time to yell for help.

“Aawwwwwwhhhhhaaaaaaaa."

Ok, this time I was almost certain that was me, and I would have been embarrassed if I wasn’t so damn hungry. Moments later I heard voices and felt movement, followed by something warm being pressed to what I assume was my lips. I still didn’t have a good grasp of what was what in this new body, but lucky for me instinct took over. I really hope that’s a bottle, as the thought of sucking milk out of a strange woman’s nipple was definitely uncomfortable. But screw it, I was hungry as hell and this didn’t taste half bad.

Without going into too many details (and ignoring any ‘spit up’ mishaps that may have occurred…) my next few days (or hours? I couldn’t tell) went by in a blur. I rarely woke up for long enough to think straight, mostly going about my normal baby-business. It was not really pleasant, but having been a parent I must admit – it’s a lot better from the baby’s perspective. No messes to clean up, no responsibilities, just eat, sleep, and... Anyway… long story short, things were not as bad as I had feared.

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Mom has purple hair. And I don’t mean dyed purple, it’s straight down to the roots – even her eyebrows are purple! Not only that, but she has pointy ears that are prominently displayed but her crazy hairstyle, with her hair sticking straight up at the sky like some kind of Disney fairy. What the hell, am I an Elf or something? Other than that she looks human. Quite pretty actually, with grey-blue eyes and delicate features. Great smile too, I mean heck, every time I see her she is smiling up a storm!

By the way, yes I am making a conscious effort to think of her as ‘mom’. I figure it will make this crazy experience a lot easier. It’s a struggle, but I seem to be completely helpless so I don’t have much of a choice.

I still haven’t seen anyone else in this world; that is, assuming it is a different world. Seems kind of obvious what with the hair and ears, but you never know. Maybe mom is a cosplay freak and got body mods done in San Diego or something.

I have no idea what she is saying to me, but she speaks to me all the time now. I just opened my eyes for the first time today, and things are still a bit out of focus once they get more than a meter or so away. Hopefully this language won’t be too hard to pick up, I mean I managed to pick up Mandarin Chinese after living in china for a few years in my early 20’s. Can’t be harder than Chinese, right?

Then suddenly a deeper voice rumbled across the room, causing me to start in surprise. Seconds later a blurry figure comes into view, reaching down with massive hands to scoop me up. Woah, too fast, too fast! Mom is yelling at him, but he just responds with a deep rumbling laugh. Then I notice that there is something wrong with his face – he’s got fangs! And I don’t meet small pansy vampire fangs, I mean meat grinding carnivore fangs! His jaw is massive too, with a wide chin that looks like it could crush a boulder.

I see mother punch him in the gut as he brings me towards his face… no… towards his mouth! Is this the end? I’m still too scared to even cry out, my eyes locked on his teeth. He doesn’t even respond to mother punching him, but she seems to have quieted down, just standing there and watching. Is that it, mom? Try harder!

This time I was so scared I DID wet myself – but I’m not sure it really counts, what with the lack of basic bladder control and all.

Then something unexpected happens. He kisses me all over my face, then rubs me against his cheek – ohmygod stubble burn, that hurts you damn oaf! I yell at him to stop, which comes out as a typical ‘wahhh wahh’ sound. I really have to learn to control these vocal cords…

Mom starts yelling at him again, and he lets out a rumbling belly laugh as he hands me over. She gives me a smile and kisses me all over, then pulls down her shirt and sticks a nipple in my mouth as she carries on yelling at the huge scary man. Did I mention his size? Well, it’s hard to tell from my perspective, but he’s at least two or three times wider than mom, and she doesn’t quite reach up to his shoulders.

I try my best to keep a wary eye on him as I feed, but he just keeps on smiling at me. He says something and I get a sense of familiarity – I’ve heard that voice before… And why is he just standing there watching me? And why does mom not even care that she’s baring her breasts in front of him?

Realization rapidly dawns on me as I put the clues together, making me gasp and start to choke on a mouthful of milk. Is this terrifying bastard my dad!?