《How to have fun in an apocalypse (Rewrite)》Chapter 13: Communism has failed
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A horde of voices is hammering inside of my head. They're the only thing my senses can decipher in this consuming void.
"WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO DESERVE THIS?!" (???)
I try to retort, beg for forgiveness, but I can't make a single sound. My mind refuses to.
"WHY DID YOU HAVE TO ASSOCIATE WITH US?! WE COULD’VE LIVED NORMAL LIVES WITHOUT YOU!!" (???)
Their anger reverberates through my eardrums. They get louder with each word, and for the first time in eternity, I feel some kind of pain.
I try my best to think of something different. Anything that could silence these voices for a short time.
But they don't let me leave. They never leave me alone, whether it's in my dreams or when I'm awake. I may be able to suppress their voices, but I can't ever drown them forever.
I know that all too well.
I'll carry this everywhere I fucking go, doesn't matter what reincarnation.
*
*
'Wakey wakey, cunt.'
I turn over to the side, covering my ears with the soft pillow under my head.
"Just 5 more minutes." (Me)
Of course, my wish stays unfulfilled.
With a quick motion, some arse rips the covers off of my seemingly bare body. The abrupt chill around my torso makes me cover it on instinct.
"KYAAAAA!" (Me)
"Screw your 5 minutes! You cunt had me worried sick!" (Jess)
'I couldn't have done it better.'
I inspect my surroundings. It's early in the morning and it seems like I'm back in Jess's mansion in one of the many bedrooms. She looks at me with bags under her eyes, looking more tired than ever.
"Aight, you know what's coming now, right?" (Me)
"Get it over with, you cock." (Jess)
I stretch my neck and pop my fingers.
"Question: Why worry about me if you know that I have superior regener-" (Me)
She crosses her arms and interrupts me.
"Answer: Because you were in a coma for 5 days, even with your whole body healed with that weird regeneration." (Jess)
"Question: Why do you have bags under your eyes?" (Me)
"Answer: I had to check up on you multiple times since there was a possibility that you died spontaneously in your sleep. Your ribcage was ripped open, once again, and your heart was literally beating out of your chest." (Jess)
"Which was supposed to symbolize my feelings for you." (Me)
She's not fazed a bit by her own answers, which don't even really react to my little teases.
'Huh, she came prepared.'
'Is this the best you can do?'
'I can't go if I'm under pressure.'
Jess disrupts our little conversation.
"Any more questions?" (Jess)
I stand up from the bed and shake my weary legs a bit. My joints creak, like the first time when I got this body.
Jumping around to warm up, I continue my line of questioning.
"Question: What happened to the hostages?" (Me)
She raises an eyebrow at my relatively mature question. It might not look like it but I'm a very responsible person.
"Answer: They all survived and went their own ways." (Jess)
'Kinda stupid of them.'
"Question: Your parents?" (Me)
"A- answer: They have some business to attend to." (Jess)
She averts her eyes, which doesn't seem suspicious in the slightest. She should really take some acting classes.
Not that I hadn't offered her some already. I was known far and wide for my immaculate acting at one point in my life. It was a bit in the past, but it's like riding a bicycle.
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'Keeping her parents in the back of my mind.'
"This is it, right? No more questions?" (Jess)
A little bit of panic can be seen on her face. There's clearly something she wants to avoid talking about.
I go in direction of the door, leading to the hallway on the second floor. My legs feel way better now, evident by the fact that I can move them on my fucking own and not by pure instinct. The amount of sunlight from the windows makes me close my eyes for a second, as they're still used to being in the dark of my eyelids.
"Question!" (Me)
I turn my head back, dramatically. I have to be a good role model for her. Maybe I can even charge her? Her parents are loaded.
"How did I get in a fresh pair of undies? And who stripped me off my clothes?" (Me)
I hit the bullseye with that.
She tries her hardest to come up with a plausible answer. The gears in her head work full time as they try to search for something that wouldn't get her in a pickle.
It's too late though.
"Y- You woke up for a few minutes and put them on yourself." (Jess)
"Bullshit." (Me)
She starts swearing under her breath, which immediately sells her out. I mean, it wasn't very convincing in the first place.
"Fuck me, woman. You're bad at lying." (Me)
"It's the truth! My father put you on the bed, went away, and then you stood up to change!" (Jess)
She tries to whistle in innocence, but only dry blows escape her mouth causes by her nervosity.
I fall to my knees, flamboyantly.
"Ah, what tragedy! My purity was taken away while unconscious. What a sad life I have, to get taken advantage of while being changed...*Sob*." (Me)
Her head snaps to me, flustered by a mix of rage and embarrassment. Her quick change in emotion is partly why it's so much fun to be around her.
"I DID NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE SITUATION!" (Jess)
I point my finger at her with rapid speed.
"BUT YOU DID CHANGE MY CLOTHES!" (Me)
"NU UH!" (Jess)
From one side, I get furniture sent at me, which supposedly contains metal. While I try to fend those off, Jess tries to escape through the door.
"YOU FORGOT MY HIGH ENDURANCE!" (Me)
I pay the flying furniture no mind, even though it's hitting me directly with more force than should be reasonable here, and cut off Jess's escape. I'm sure I got a concussion while ignoring the literal bed I was just sleeping on flying at my head, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
She runs against my upper body and looks at me with anger.
"This is my house, so you better let me out of this room." (Jess)
Her attempt of catching her composure is not very convincing.
"Now that I think of it, I haven't introduced myself to your parents yet." (Me)
The brittle composure of hers crumbles immediately, and panic once more spreads.
My hand touches the doorknob, which she immediately notices.
"NO!" (Jess)
The tiny bit of resistance her magic can put up, with the little amount of metal in and outside of the door, gets outright ignored by me, as I run outside, still half-naked.
"Now, where are they?" (Me)
I heighten my senses-
"AHN!" (Male voice)
A weird moan echoes through the hallway. Jess steps out of my room, visibly downcast.
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"I appeal to your common decency-" (Jess)
'Bad call.'
Another shout echoes through the hallway.
"WHO IS YOUR MASTER?!" (Female voice)
I look Jess deep in her silver eyes and shrug.
"You aren't really expecting me not to go towards that, right?" (Me)
She's speechless.
I give up waiting for the reply that may never come and run towards the charming voices I'm hearing up ahead.
Even though this one hallway stretches through the whole second floor of the mansion, I manage to cross it in a few seconds with my physical stats alone. Sometimes, it really pays out to lack the ability to use magic.
'At least I still have a body to inhale that with.'
'Too far...'
The previous fatigue has nearly vanished, so even using skills should be possible right now. My new life would be much more difficult if it weren't for the "Regeneration" skill.
I'd probably end up as a vegetable in less than a week.'
'I give you three days max.'
'Come to think of it, I should check the messages I got after meeting her parents.'
Since I woke up, several screens tried to tell me something, but as I was too busy bullying Jess, I dismissed them all.
'Ha~ I enjoyed the blushing Jess so much...'
'That's what I do this for. Living on earth again is so much fun! I'm glad it changed so much!'
In comparison to the other few times I was here, this is much more interesting. I was getting tired of living in a normal era.
'Wait, wut? You lived on earth before?'
'Of course I did. Why do you think do I know the language?'
'Fuck do I know. Could've merged it from me or something...'
I run past a shitload of wooden doors, the sound of whiplashes gets louder with every step.
'Nah, I just learned it by living here.'
'And when was that?'
'For further information, you'll have to buy my book~.'
'I don't even have a wallet, retard.'
Jess's shouts behind me become more quiet by the second since she can't seem to catch up to me. Meanwhile, my goal comes closer and closer.
Until I finally arrive.
Screams of pleasure and pain resound from inside the room, brought forth by nostalgic torture devices. I can't control how much I'm looking forward to what's coming next.
I turn the doorknob gently and look inside.
Empty room for guests.
"Fuck, wrong room." (Me)
'PFFF WAY TO GO, YOU STUPID DICKHEAD!'
'Get your own body before throwing insults at me.'
'I got lost on my way to the FUCKING BODY-SHOP.'
'Take the next turn left!'
I try to clean my ears a bit. My body hasn't fully recovered yet since I activated "Regeneration" relatively early in the fight. The skill wasn't able to heal the wounds that appeared after activation.
Switching to the next door, with Jess coming closer to my destination, I enter the room without a care in the world.
Suddenly, my sight is covered in red light and a whole bunch of BDSM toys.
The muscly body of Jess's father, whom I recognize from the photo in the main hall, is tied in a cage of ropes. Her big titty mother, on the other hand, readies her whip in a latex suit
'THICCCCCCCC!'
"PLEASE MISTRESS! MORE!" (Father)
Another lash resounds with force, tempting him to moan in pleasure once more.
"Satan, I love this family." (Me)
Just when I spoke up, do the two perverts notice me.
The beautiful mother takes her mask off and reveals her gentle face. She throws the whip over her shoulder, leaving the husband hanging in the air.
'Hang in there, buddy.'
'HA!'
"Ah, you must be the boy who helped our daughter so much and saved us! Nith? Was it?" (Mother)
I avert my eyes from the latex suit, which is caressing her voluptuous body, and try my best to look her in the eyes. It's bad manners to avert your gaze in a conversation.
"Yep, tits... wrong word. That would be me."
I take her hand and kiss it as cheesily as I possibly can.
"But I didn't know that Jess had a sister." (Me)
'WHY WOULD YOU PICK SUCH A CHEESY LINE?! JESUS! FUCK!'
'I go to great lengths to make you feel as uncomfortable as possible.'
"Oh my, what a womanizer." (Mother)
She holds her cheek while her husband does a slow spin in our direction, finally facing me directly. I'm surprised at the lack of embarrassment they're showing.
"Oh, where are our manners? Let me introduce us!" (Mother)
Her hand rests atop her chest. The fact that there's more than enough room for several hands up there makes me hope that Jess will one day catch up to her in that aspect.
"My name is Felice Connor. This is my dear husband, Oliver Connor." (Felice)
The father's stern gaze doesn't weaken even a bit. He looks at me as if scanning me from up and down.
"To be honest, you don't even look nearly as intimidating as you should, being tied up like a damn whore." (Me)
"Right back at you, with all those bruises and being half-naked." (Oliver)
"You're half naked as well, though." (Me)
A short silence develops between us. Meanwhile, we don't lose eye contact for even a second.
I take in the atmosphere again for a bit. The borderline torture instruments remind me of the easy-going times in hell, where it was actually pretty nice to live there.
'I kinda miss Lucia. It was fun with her sometimes...'
"Want to join in?" (Oliver)
His mustache shakes a bit, somehow signaling anticipation.
'I beg your pardon? Did he just ask you if you want to join in on the BDSM fun?'
'It's only polite.'
The thicc mother comes back into my line of sight.
"Of fucking cour--" (Me)
But, as if someone called her, Jess holds her hand over my mouth.
"No, he doesn't, Dad. Thank you for the invitation." (Jess)
Her heavy breathing betrays her lack of physical stats. A mere few hundred-meter run is making her wheeze like a chain-smoker.
There're no signs of her using her magic as a tool for getting faster over here, which may look a bit stupid at first, but only shows that the mana exhaustion still affects her even days after.
I subconsciously start to compare Jess to her mother and note the two big differences between them.
'She's gonna get some huge titties when she grows up.'
'The world is such a beautiful place.'
'People are dying outside.'
'I'm a man of my word.'
Jess notices my scanning gaze, which switches between her and her mother, making her put her sweaty hands even tighter on my mouth. Slowly, it starts to get damp.
'Who even allowed her to restrict my right of speech! That's one of my basic human rights!'
I start licking her hand rapidly with my incredible tongue technique. As a result, she pulls it back as fast she can, cleaning it on her skirt.
"HOW OLD ARE YOU ACTUALLY?! SIX?!" (Jess)
I just answer her with more vulgar tongue movements.
We go back to our usual routine of her ranting on about me, while I just mock her with ease. The parents seem to enjoy watching us meanwhile.
Until her mother decides to interrupt us, that is.
"Oh my, you seem to have a lot of fun with your boyfriend, huhuhuhu." (Felice)
Jess stops abruptly and looks at her mother.
"I barely know him for a few weeks and he's pissing me off on an hourly basis. He's not my boyfriend, mum." (Jess)
"He's not your boyfriend? Why else would you watch over him day and night, even though I already checked if his body was in a stable condition with my healing magic?" (Felicia)
My head slowly turns to Jess, who stands there with a visibly pained expression. She's been stabbed in the back by her own mother, after all.
"Mother, I ask you nicely. Please don't say any more." (Jess)
"I thought that I was in danger of dying at any second?" (Me)
"Y- You were!" (Jess)
"No, you were not." (Oliver)
"You keep hanging from the ropes and stay silent!" (Jess)
She looks desperately at all of us. I didn't think it was possible but she starts to sweat even more than she's already been.
"So? What's gonna be your excuse now?" (Me)
Jess is speechless. She's not even trying with her bad lies anymore.
"I... uuhhh..." (Jess)
'Alright, I think I should stop for now. Gotta leave on a high note.'
I pick Jess up by her hip and throw her over my shoulder. She doesn't really understand what's going on at first, so she stays still. The problem from before is probably still on her mind.
"Well, I know that it was only a brief meeting, but we have to leave now." (Me)
"Huh? Didn't you want to-" (Oliver)
"Nope. See ya later, Pops." (Me)
I kick the door shut, without letting him finish his sentence. Normally this would be quite rude to do, but-
'He's a fucking masochist. He probably likes it.'
Through the door, I hear a muffled sentence.
"I kinda like neglecting play..." (Oliver)
'Impressive.'
'I was a medium in one of my past lives.'
I begin my leisure march back through the hallway with the quiet Jess still on my shoulder. She'd already woken up from her stupor but still can't wrap her head around something.
"Am I really such an easy woman?" (Jess)
"It's not your fault. My charm is just irresistible." (Me)
"The only thing irresistible about you is the suspension bridge effect..." (Jess)
She sighs as she reveals my most secret weapon.
"YOU KNOW ABOUT THE ULTIMATE WEAPON?!" (Me)
"Fuck you and your ultimate weapon." (Jess)
'She's gotta die, I guess... Man, I liked her...'
At that moment, as I remember my near-death experience from a few days back, I get reminded of the multiple screens that I dismissed. I was intending on opening them earlier but I had more pressing matters.
'Open screen log of last nig- BY BEELZEBUB!'
Suddenly, my retina gets bombarded by a flurry of messages, blinding me completely.
Orc's strength became Lvl 10!
Buff increased to 60%!
Regeneration became Lvl 4!
Time needed until whole body is healed is reduced to 24 hours and 15 minutes! Cooldown is reduced to 1 hour and 57 minutes!
Leap became Lvl 8!
Increased jump distance buff to 65%!
Unarmed mastery became Lvl 6!
Attack buff increased to 20%!
Berserker became Lvl 6!
Conversion rate increased to 1% health lost = 1.25% increase in STR, AGL, and END
Congratulations! Due to achieving some outstanding things, you acquired a new title!
Achievements: Killing a monster way bigger than you; Killing a monster far above your level without acquiring your first class
Your reward will be calculated from these achievements!
Congratulations! You acquired the title: "Tough little cunt"!
Tough little cunt: You persevered in insane situations, in which you should have finally died. If you fight someone at least one class above you, 10% to all stats! (Buff will always be counted as the last)
'Lmao, that title is just outright bullying.'
You have killed Arachmot (Subspecies) (Lvl 46)
+40862 EXP!
+2500 SP!
You became Lvl 25! (Can not level up anymore before acquiring a class)
Every stat +1!
You reached Level 25, and can now choose a class!
Your possible classes will be calculated from your achievements and other actions!
POSSIBLE CLASSES:
- Brawler
- Orc-human
- Tank
- Jehova's witness
- Womanizer
- Pick me! (づ。◕‿‿◕。)づ
- Blacksmith
- Hunter
If I didn't have the cognitive power of a nuclear powerplant, whiplash would be the least of my concerns after all this information. The most outstanding obviously being my new class, other than the several level-ups.
'Please pick Jehova's witness. I implore you. You could tell everyone you're from heaven and then commit war crimes in Bosnia.'
'Wouldn't be the first time for the heavenly faction to do that. I don't want to seem unoriginal.'
'BUT MOOOOOOM!'
'My reputation is on the line here.'
'You arse. First, you steal my body, and then you don't even let me influence OUR class!'
'Our class? Did we suddenly become communists?'
'Comrade Nith.'
'Alright, let's do it like this: Try physically stopping me from picking a different class and I'll comply.'
'...'
'That's what I thought.'
I click on the class third from the bottom.
As soon as I saw that option, my interest was piqued just a tad bit. I've seen situations like these pan out several times and not once have I seen the system behave as abnormal. Especially if it's with something important as a class change.
Immediately, I feel a change in my fresh body, of which I only recently got the hang of.
'You didn't even know what that class was! Why you gotta do me like that, man?'
Trick's concern is justified. A class is something that will follow me for the rest of this life, so if it's a bad class it could cripple my development.
On the other hand, I already can't use mana. I have enough handicaps and another tiny one wouldn't make a world of a difference. That's why I'll pick what interests me the most.
'Chill, guurrl. It's clearly a unique class, even with the weird message. It's probably a better choice than any of the normal classes.'
The new ability, or rather energy, flows into me, rearranging my complete soul-body structure. A nostalgic feeling spreads through me, as my soul reunites with a type of power I had long become acquainted with.
'Fuckin hell, this feels like a spa day. I should do this more often.'
Congratulations! You acquired the unique class "Hellfighter"!
He is the first one to have escaped from hell and fights just like that. No remorse, no consideration of the enemy or self-harm, and no fucking sense for atmosphere.
If the enemy is superior to you in class, all stats +10%
You acquired the skill "Ember" (Lvl1) (Active)
Ember Lvl 1: Your weapon of choice now burns with the young flames of hell! For the glory of Satan!
Affinity to hell increases.
Class may evolve if conditions are met.
You became Level 30!
Every stat +5!
"Oooohhhh, the future will be fun, Jess. Rejoice." (Me)
Jess raises her head from my shoulder. A statement out of the blue like that is guaranteed to pique her interest.
"Future? What do you mean? And I swear to christ if you make a joke about us getting married or anything, I will-" (Jess)
"Nah, it's just that I coincidentally received 2 buffs against monsters of a higher class than me." (Me)
Her head drops abruptly.
"I rescind my offer. The marriage joke would have been better." (Jess)
"What are you sulking for?" (Me)
The needlessly long hallway finally comes to an end as we arrive back at the main hall.
"Our future is filled with adventure riddled by love and friendships!" (Me)
"You don't really mean that." (Jess)
I step up to the huge entrance, which towers above me as if it's challenging me.
The door gets kicked open, Jess still on my shoulders.
"Of course I don't. I just wanna get some mad pussy yo~." (Me)
"Yeah fuck you, you can do that alone. Leave me here." (Jess)
"Of course, I respect your opinion after all." (Me)
'I won't leave her here.'
'Respect wamen.'
"By the way..." (Me)
"Hm?" (Jess)
Apparently, my shoulder is pretty comfortable, since she doesn't even make the effort anymore of getting off and is instead falling asleep.
"Where's the Arachmots body?" (Me)
"Still in the forest. No one was able to move it." (Jess)
"Nice." (Me)
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