The Ordinary Life of Tom Nobody

CHAPTER 26. I For One Welcome Our New Overlords ROUGH DRAFT

Working my way through the tall grass was not as easy as it sounds. I had never seen grass so tall, but I suspected it wasn’t as easy as it should have been. The edges of the blades of grass made me more aware of how they’d gotten that name than I ever wanted to be. By the time I got close enough to the skyscraper to get a better look at the front of the building, my arms were covered in multiple cuts that stung like hell.

The building had been done in a revival art deco/modern fusion that I wasn’t too sure made sense. The ground floor had a stone façade with stylized pillars, while the upper tiers converted to glass with an occasional stone accent. Over the large double doors the name REGENT had been mounted in carved stone. I guessed it was probably a hotel or residence. The glass doors themselves were hanging skewed, obviously damaged when it fell to its present location, and he could see one of them shaking violently as someone tried to bet it open.

“Stand back,” I shouted through the cracked glass to the sturdy, but older man who had been trying to pull the door open. He looked at the rat-leather gear that I had so proudly made with alarm, and backpedaled so fast that he fell. I guess I do look outlandish, but I don’t have time for niceties, I thought as I equipped my pickaxe and set the wider flat end into the space between the edge of the door and the jam. I made sure it was firmly set and then used it like a crowbar to pull the door completely off the top hinge where it had become jammed.

With a screeching protest, the door frame pulled free and the whole thing sagged, the top part swinging down and out, while the bottom slid back across the floor into the building. The lower hinge finally gave up the ghost and the whole thing crashed to the floor, shattering what was left of the glass. Fortunately, it was safety glass, like they use in car windshields. That meant that when it broke, it broke into a billion tiny pieces, but while they were a navigation hazard, nobody would be slicing their feet up to get out the door.

I slotted my pickaxe back into my MINING kit, and moved quickly to help the man to his feet. He just gaped at me as I reached down and caught him under his arms. “I’m not trying to hurt you, damn it! Stand up so I can help someone who really needs it!”

“I … I …” he began, but I just moved him outside with as little force as it took to get him moving. He was wearing some kind of doorman’s uniform, all red with gold trim, and I figured he was an employee. “Get out of the way in case some more glass breaks and falls. I pointed in the direction of where I’d left the kid, “Go stand over there, take off your jacket and wave it around so that people can see you. I’ll send anyone I find out and you can start gathering everyone in one place.” When he just continued to gape and stammer, I shouted in my best sergeant’s voice, “MOVE!”

He scurried off like the rabbit he was.

Shaking my head, I turned my attention to the dim interior of the hotel lobby. Emergency lamps had come on casting their harsh glare around the edges of the space, but it was such a large area, that they didn’t help as much as the architects had probably imagined. Club chairs, sofas, and odd bits of tables, and broken lamps littered the cavernous room. The lobby extended upwards to the second floor where thankfully the windows began, adding some illumination from the overcast sky. It was still dimmer than I’d like for trying to figure out who was hurt and who was just freaked out, but it was better than the alternative.

A group of dazed guests were picking their way through the jumbled mess towards the now open door. I quickly moved inside more where the dimmer light would hopefully hide exactly what I was wearing and encouraged them to move outside. “Keep moving. I think the worst is over, but it’s better to get outside. That’s right, keep moving. The doorman’s already out there, gather outside with him so we can make sure everyone made it out Okay.”

Here and there I could see some hotel employees mixed in among the patrons trying to calm people down—including one loudly screaming woman who did not appear to be injured, but who was drawing too much of their attention away from others who looked like they needed help more. A man in a suit who was probably a desk clerk—he looked too young to be a manager, but he was someone who thought he was in charge—was trying vainly to calm her down while a group of people in white shirts and black vests and trousers were adding their own attempts. The whole thing was a clusterfuck from start to finish.

As I worked my way through the lobby, I directed anyone I came across towards the front door. Just as I reached the growing crowd around the screamer. I heard a loud voice call for “ATTENTION!”

At first I thought someone had gotten the PA system working, which would have made our lives a lot easier, but then I realized it was SCHEMA.

ATTENTION! Residents of planet Earth! WELCOME to the SCHEMA system! DO NOT BE AFRAID!

I just squatted down on my heels right then and put my head in my hands. OH. MY. GOD. This was going to be painful.

Your world is now part of the Sentient Civilization Hastened Evolution MANAgement Alliance or SCHEMA. The former fractious governance of this planet was deemed too primitive to continue in place, so SCHEMA has appointed the House of Bathory, members of the Elder Race you would think of as Vampires, as your new Overlords! You are in LUCK! This area has been chosen as the most likely to survive the CULLING of the North West Region and is therefore destined to become a thriving bureaucratic city and the home of the Lord of the North West Region of Planet Earth! Representatives of your new government will soon be here to occupy the appropriate structures and surrounding areas for the needs of the governance and citizenry and to establish your first MARKETPLACE! In the meanwhile, SCHEMA is happy to announce that you are in LUCK! SCHEMA has determined that there is not one, but TWO of your fellow Humans who were preselected for a SCHEMA FAMILIARIZATION AND INTEGRATION or BEGINNGER TUTORIAL! These ADVANCED USERS are nearby and able to help you survive the CULLING! SCHEMA is here to help!

As I began to see where this was going, I rose to my feet. I don’t know what I had intended to do, probably run, but just as I stood, I was surrounded by a blindingly bright light, like someone had just thrown the switch on a spotlight, and I froze like the proverbial deer.

SCHEMA has placed identifiers on these individuals, please address all questions and complaints to them! SCHEMA is here to help!

I never wanted to kill anyone more in my life.

ATTENTION! Phase One Relocation has been completed! Phase Two Relocation will commence in twelve local hours! SCHEMA strongly suggests that new citizens familiarize themselves with their MENU items, arm themselves, and create defensive positions in expectation of Phase Two Relocation! Due to the presence of two ADVANCED USERS, SCHEMA, in our overwhelming benevolence, has WAIVED the EXPERIENCE PONT requirement for reaching LEVEL 1!

CONGRATULATIONS! You have LEVELED UP!

To prove that SCHEMA is here to help, we have also optimized your LEVEL 1 roll! All citizens who reach the building known as the REGENT HOTEL before the end of Phase One Relocation will be granted optimal rolls: ALL 8s! SCHEMA is here to help!

Phase Two Relocation will consist of no creatures stronger than LEVEL 3 with the majority being LEVEL 1. House Bathory has informed SCHEMA that representatives are en route, but not expected to arrive before Phase Two Relocation begins! Please look to your ADVANCED USERS for assistance!

SCHEMA is here to help!

We were so fucked.

Everyone waited a few beats to see if there was more, but apparently, SCHEMA thought this was specific. The spotlight flicked out, leaving me seeing little but spots. I looked down at myself, and my whole body was faintly glowing, like the paths through the forest. There was no way that I could get away, so I’d better just suck it up and figure out what I was going to do.

The hysterical woman, who had miraculously quieted down during SCHEMA’s speech started screaming again. Fuck. I shook my head and tried to blink the stars out of my eyes. First things first, I had to get some kind of order here.

“Tom! Tom!” there was a clear note of panic in the kid’s voice as I turned and saw him scrambling through the door with a crowd of shouting people following him. Fuck.

“All right everybody!” I shouted bringing everyone to a halt and shutting that damn woman up again. “Ki—er Rob, Go back outside and find a place away from the building where I can start sending people. Walk them through their MENU items and I’ll be along as soon as I can.” He kept moving towards me shaking his head, so I walked over to him as quickly as I could. “You need to get out of here, kid, the whole place might come down at any minute, and I need to figure out who’s hurt and how bad, and I can’t do it alone. I need someone who knows something that I can send these people to. That has to be you.”

“I don’t know what to do!” He squeaked, his voice thin with fear, “I don’t know what to say! I can’t do this!”

“Yes, you can, damnit! Get outside before this place caves in and kills the both of us! Just do as I say. Sit everyone down, shut everyone up and keep them busy with their MENU. I’ll be as quick as I can and we’ll figure out where to go from there.” I shoved him towards the door more roughly than I should have, and he gave me a kicked puppy glare, turned to go back outside, and ran smack into the doorman.

“You!” I shouted at him, “Get the fuck back outside where I told you to go!”

“Now wait a minute!” He began, still moving in my direction. A group of other men, disgruntled guests, by the looks of them, joined him and they moved towards me en mass.

I don’t have time for this shit! I thought, and then an idea hit me. If I were walking into a panicked village of potentially hostile civilians who thought they were tough enough to take me, I’d give them a show of force. I might not have a tank backing me up, but I had something better—I had magic!

I threw out a hand (for the dramatic effect, I always wanted to do that) and shouted “STOP!”

Immediately, the floor around the men took on a blue glow and what looked like wisps of fog shot up and began wrapping their legs. The doorman, who was in the lead, had momentum behind him and while his upper body kept moving forward, his feet were stuck firmly to the floor. He tipped over, barely catching himself on his hands. At least until the portly man behind him preformed the same maneuver and knocked the doorman flat under his bulk. That is SO cool!

I saw movement to my right: the hotel manager or whoever he was, storming in my direction. “Now see here,” he began…

“SPARK!” I shouted, holding up a sparkling, flaming hand, and he pulled up short and started backpedaling away. “Now everyone just calm the fuck down, OR I WILL ROAST YOU WHERE YOU STAND!” I was pretty sure I couldn’t do anything of the sort, but they didn’t know that.

The woman started to scream, again.

“Somebody shut that woman up!” I shouted in my best parade ground voice, “Ki…Rob, you need to get back outside and find a place away from the building in case things start to fall off. Do what I say, and I’ll join you when I can.” I gave him my patented glare in trade for his rebellious look and with a huff, he stalked past the men stuck in my GRASPING MANA towards the door.

“EVERYONE WHO CAN MOVE ON THEIR OWN NEEDS TO GET OUTSIDE. MOVE CALMLY FOR THE FRONT DOORS AND GET OUTSIDE NOW!” The woman was still screaming, so I pushed past the manger and moved right in front of her. “SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW OR I WILL FRY YOU LIKE A CHICKEN!”

Her mouth snapped closed, her eyes rolled back in her head, and she collapsed into the arms of the man who had been clutching her shoulders. Probably her husband, God bless his poor heart. “You, I said to a strongish looking bellman among the crowd of useless employees who had been ineffectually trying to calm the woman down, “and you, I said to another, pick this woman up and take her outside. You, I said pointing my flaming finger at the cowering husband, go with them and KEEP HER SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

I whirled around to the manager whose sense of propriety had caused him to overcome his fear and move towards me, one hand outstretched as if he were going to try to correct me. I glared at him and he stopped in his tracks. After a minute, he lowered his arm to his side with a guilty look. “You, who are you, anyhow?” I asked.

“I..” he choked out. He stopped, straightened up and I could see the parts of his personality pulling back together. He tugged at his suit jacket, straightened his already straight tie, and tried again. “I’m the Concierge for the Regent Guest Management Group. Who, may I ask, are you?”

“I’m Tom Nobody, literally, but I’m also the one that SCHEMA told you was here to help save your asses from what’s coming. I’m sorry to be the one to bring you the bad news, but the Regent Guest Management Group is no more. The United States is no more. Planet Earth, as we know it, is no more. I can answer all of your questions, but first we need to find all the people in the hotel and get them outside until we’re sure that the rest of this building isn’t going to come crashing down around our ears.

The art-deco, glass panel chandelier that enjoyed pride of place in the center of the lobby chose that moment, of course, to crash down, crushing a group of tourists who had been huddling together in the center of the room.

This started more people screaming, but it also started a mad dash towards the front door. With a thought, I equipped my staff and pointed it at the Aztec motif clock above the door and fired off another GRASPING MANA. It wasn’t in position to actually grab anyone—preventing anyone from being trampled was my motivation, after all—but it did pull people up short and stop a lot of the panic.

“WILL YOU PEOPLE CALM THE FUCK DOWN.” I shouted running towards the broken remains of chandelier and human bodies, hoping to find survivors. “Somebody, help me move this thing!” I said, as I squatted down and took hold of one side of the sturdy iron ring that made up the widest tier of the fixture. A couple of shaken, but more level headed guests who had been standing close by moved to help, and we hefted the ungainly mass up and dragged it off of the bloody mass below.

Amazingly, It didn’t appear that anyone had died. One man was unconscious from where the rim of one of the bands had knocked him upside the head, but the chandelier itself hadn’t been all that heavy, the rings were the heaviest part, but there were only five of them, and most people had just been trapped. There were some nasty cuts, though, from the glass panels, and I shouted at the Concierge to get a first-aid kit. He sent one of the bellhops who pulled a white plastic suit-case with a big red cross from behind the front counter and ran it over.

By the time we had most of the bleeding stopped on the five people who’d gotten cuts, my spells had long since timed out, and almost everyone in the lobby had rushed out the one working door. Some of the hotel employees were better trained in first-aid than I was, so I left them to it; nobody seemed likely to die, but we had 20 floors of rooms to search for survivors.

“Do you have a printout of everyone staying here?” I asked the Concierge, who seemed to be the only one of any authority around, “Where are the desk clerks, and where’s the Manager?”

“I..I don’t know where Ms. Wilkinson is, I haven’t seen her. She must still be in her office!” He started to move towards the front desk, but I grabbed his arm before he could go. “Wait just a minute, we’ll check on her together as soon as we get everyone organized. Do you have a guest list? Something not on the computers?”

“There should be one in Ms. Wilkinson’s office,” One of the vested employees spoke up. I looked at his name tag which said KEVIN FRONT DESK. “Okay, Kevin, you go check on Ms. Wilkinson and call if you need help. You,” I said pointing at the Concierge, “Can you gather all of the employees together? We need to search the hotel. Do you have a master key, or do the rooms work only with key cards?”

“They work with key cards,” he said, “but all the locks are battery powered, the cards should still work.”

“Okay,” I said, “that’s going to save us a lot of trouble. Find every employee who has a master key card and start organizing a search. Check the maids, I bet they can get in all the rooms.” I turned to another employee, “You, take two others and go check the rest of this floor, the restaurant and any shops. Don’t get separated, one of you can come back if you need someone to perform first aid, but don’t split up to search, we don’t need anyone getting lost or hurt on their own without anyone to help them.”

Once most everyone had scurried off to see to their different tasks, only me and a handful of employees, were left with the injured and the ones who were giving them first aid. “Okay, you, I said, to the only guy there who would meet my eyes, I need you to find something we can put these people on, something sturdy like a blanket. We can use sheets, if we have to, or big towels, but we need to put these people on something and carry or drag them outside. He ran off.

“The rest of you, stay here and collect all the other employees as they arrive. I’m going to go check on the Manager and then go outside and check if any other employees are out there, and send them back here. Then, I’ll start getting people organized out there, and come back to see how things are going inside. Okay?”

One of the girls who looked the least shaken of all the employees around, nodded her head, but looked nervously up at the distant ceiling from which the chandelier had fallen.

“I don’t think you have to worry about anything else falling, this is probably the safest place in the lobby, now.” She nodded again and I moved off towards where Kevin had gone to check on the Manager.

I found him and the wayward Concierge who I’d sent to do something else, helping her out the door of her office at the rear of the front desk area. He gave me a guilty look as I gently took her arm from him and scurried off, hopefully in search of more employees, like I’d told him to do.

“Ms. Wilkinson?” I said, “I’m Tom Nobody. We need to get you outside, and get you some first aid for that bump on your head. Can you walk, or do we need to carry you?”

She raised her head from where she’d been holding a folded cloth to a nasty lump on her forehead, and straightened herself up. Kevin hovered nearby, hands outstretched to catch her if she fell, but I could tell she was coming back to herself.

“I…I think I can walk,” she said and took a cautious step, “Yes, I think I can walk. What happened? Did we have an earthquake?” She looked around the dim lobby, her face white as a sheet in the harsh battery lamps, but her eyes had focus.

“Yes, ma’am, you might say that we had an earthquake. I’ve started organizing a search of the rooms for guests. I understand you have a printout of the guest list, can you tell Kevin here where it is, so that we can be sure we’ve found everyone?”

“Yes, of course,” she said, personality and professionalism settling around her shoulders like a cloak, “Kevin, it was on my desk when the earthquake hit, if it’s not there, it should be on the floor nearby.” Kevin gave her a nod and moved back through the door. “She looked at me, and took in my leather gear and fur-lined boots. “Are you a guest?” She asked, “Is the fire department here?”

“Come this way, and I’ll fill you in as we go.” I said still gently holding her by her elbow. “Things are a little more serious than you might expect, I don’t think the fire department is going to be coming.”

It took several hours before we were reasonably certain that we had everyone gathered in a large area of tromped-down grass in front of the hotel. One of the people on whom the chandelier had fallen bled to death. The cut on his head distracted us from a much more serious one where a knife-shaped shard of glass had pierced his femoral artery, the spreading blood disguised by his dark suit pants and the burgundy patterned carpet until it was too late. There were three broken legs, a handful of broken arms, one a serious compound fracture. Luckily one of the employees was a doctor and had managed to set the broken ends back together. The hotel had a small clinic, little more than a place for guests to go and get an aspirin or a band-aid, but it did have some inflatable casts designed to stabilize a break until real help arrived, and we made do with those until we could figure something more permanent out.

For the rest, there were more than a dozen guests with possible concussions of various degrees of severity, but precious little that we could do for them other than to put people with them to monitor them, and try to keep them comfortable as best we could. The overwhelming majority of the guests had come through with nothing more than bumps and bruises. I couldn’t imagine how miraculous it was that we’d only had the one—so far—death. It was a good thing that none of them had witnessed the hotel falling from the sky from the outside, like the kid and I, and we smoothed over the details of that as people gazed in wonder at the vast forested mountain range that hadn’t been anywhere near Dallas when they’d checked in. One guest had slept through the whole thing and was royally pissed when we came pounding on his door.

Nothing new had collapsed, and from what my admittedly amateur eyes could see, the building appeared to be structurally sound.

The Hotel Day Manager, Ms. Wilkinson had taken the news that we were no longer in control of our own planet much better than anyone should have. Any thought that I was not telling her the truth was laid to rest as soon as we walked outside and not onto a street in downtown Dallas, not to mention the regular every hour on the hour updates that SCHEMA gave us assuring us that they were “Here to help!” and informing us on how long we had until whatever would happen with this Phase Two Relocation. I had to threaten several of the more combatively disgruntled guests who refused to believe they were no longer anyone with any money or influence and expected to be catered to immediately. Judicious casts of GRASPING MANA and one very satisfying punch in the jaw got this under control. I’m sure the entitled babies still didn’t really believe me, but they were at least smart—or cowed—enough to shut up.

The great good fortune we had was that the entire city of Dallas had been sold out for several major and a few minor conventions, whose arrivals had not been expected until later, so there were only 151 rooms out of the 520 that might have held guests.

More people from other buildings had migrated to the hotel as the largest structure anywhere in sight. Man-made structure, I guess, not counting the mountains. By the time we reached—by SCHEMA’s account—the six-hour mark, most of the people who were going to make it before whatever was going to happen, happened, had trickled in.

Both the kid and I had gathered groups and started them off on learning how to use their MENUs. None of them had starting kits, no travel rations, no crude knives, no LIFE or STAMINA potions. Their INVENTORIES were completely empty, and as none of them had any SCHEMA REGISTERED posessions, nobody could put anything into them. The activity at least kept most of them quiet and I hoped they'd learn something, since they could select pretty much everything and get an explanation from SCHEMA. It was surreal to see all those people sitting around on the grass waving their arms around in front of them as they swiped through their MENU

I looked around and not finding anyone clamoring for my attention for the first time, decided I might just head back on inside and check out that bar I'd scoped out. As I was moving towards the door, though, the kid intercepted me.

“I think we really need to get everyone back inside,” he said, “I think this area might become flooded with mobs when the next Phase begins, and we don’t have a chance with all these squishy noobs out here in the open.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked him, a spike of adrenaline hitting my heart like a dagger, “What mobs?”

“The ones that SCHEMA is preparing to put here in the Phase Two Relocation!” he said too loudly in his frustration with my obtuseness.

“Shhh,” I said, grabbing his arm and moving him further away while I glared until the curious found somewhere else to look. “Maybe I missed something, but I didn’t hear SCHEMA say anything about any mobs. I was expecting maybe another rain of houses, or something.”

“You don’t remember SCHEMA saying to arm ourselves and hoping we survive?” He asked, incredulously, but, thankfully, with less volume. “Check your record.”

I did. I was chilled to the bone with the implications. I had a staff and a slingshot, the kid had a bow and a sword. None of that was going to help keep this many people alive.

For the first time in my adult life, I didn't feel like I knew the best thing to do.

In all the chaos of Phase One, I’d been able to put the sheer impact I’d felt from my returning memories aside. By the time we’d finished our last CRAFTING session, I’d thought that I’d regained everything. I had regained most of my memories, but I hadn’t regained my personality. I don’t know how to put it into words, but the best way I can manage is that we’re not just a collection of memories of actions and interactions with others. In the same way a computer might contain all those facts, but not be human, I had somehow entered the BEGINNING TUTORIAL in a neutral, almost innocent state. During the last part of it, I’d remembered most of the facts, but I didn’t have the impact of those events living inside me, the emotions, the loss, the betrayal, the love, the lust, the joy, the greed, all the thought processes and decisions that had worked together to make me who I was.

But I had them back now. The utter ruthlessness of the man I'd become had served us well during the chaos and bickering of the last few hours, but it wasn't going to do a thing to help these people.

The first thing I felt was a burning desire to leave them to fend for themselves. There was no way two people without any modern weapons—even with my anemic magical SKILLS—could take on a serious attack. Even the rats would wipe most of these unarmed people out. Any smart man would slip away and take off for the hills and never look back.

I gave a heavy sigh, and the kid looked at me in alarm as my shoulders sagged. The strain of the last six hours, on top of our whole world falling apart, on top of remembering what it felt like to be a ruthless criminal asshole was almost too much. I just about gave up on everything, right there. I didn't—quite—but I did slump to the ground and put my head in my hands. The kid just stood there, gobsmacked.

“Look what I found! Pretty flowers!” a small, bright voice brought my head back up. A girl, no more than 5 or 6 was running over towards us, her ragged looking mother pulling away from the main group looking at us with fear in her eyes.

“Honey,” she called, her voice almost in a panic, “don’t bother the men! Come back here right this instant!”

Just as she caught up to her little girl, who now held up the bouquet of bright red blossoms to show her mother, something clicked into place.

“Wait!” I called, scrambling clumsily to my feet, “let me see what you have there, honey.”

If anything, my words scared the mother more, and she snatched her up and clutched her tight, backing slowly away.

“I’m not going to hurt you, or your daughter,” I told her in the voice you’d use to calm a skittery horse, “I think she may have found something very important. I just want to look at the flowers.”

“Flowers!” the girl called out, shoving her arm out in my direction, a huge smile making her face light up, “I found lots and lots of pretty flowers!”

I cautiously moved over to them so that the woman wouldn’t bolt, and slowly reached up and took the bouquet of Lady’s Heart from her pudgy little fist. “Honey, can you show me where you found these flowers? Were there more of them?” I asked, my heart starting to beat with excitement. Maybe we had a chance. If we couldn’t keep people from getting hurt, maybe we had a chance to keep some of them alive.