I waited for Prevna and whoever she was bringing on a dark amber bench in the ice vine area of the branch leading to the library. Gritty eyed, and not in the best of moods, I squinted against the rising sunlight as it seeped through the long pine needles of the Seedling Palace.

Whether I liked it or not, whether I had a pine cone lantern or not, I had to go down to the viewing platform today and see if it hid the last stone. It was the only practical thing to do. No matter how much I practiced my other skills they wouldn’t mean much if I couldn’t progress to become a Sprout, like Clara. And if I didn’t find the stone on the platform I would need to visit her and Shawsh next.

If others wouldn’t give me the results I wanted then I needed to at least move forward with the results I had control of.

The results I got weren’t what I expected.

For starters, Prevna brought not one, not two, but three people with her that morning. I didn’t bother to hide my glare at her as Wren, Dera, and Loclen made themselves comfortable on the bench next to me or on the pathway itself. Prevna plopped herself next to me with a challenging look of her own.

I looked away first. She huffed.

Wren pressed the package she had been holding forward with her foot, from where she sat on the pathway, until the bundle pressed against my leg. Dera shyly reached around Prevna and set down a pine cone lantern.

She offered, “We thought you might want to look at the spot in the tunnel we found.”

I gave her a tight nod before my gaze shifted to Prevna, unbidden. Prevna rolled her eyes at me before turning her attention deliberately to Dera. “It’s better to have more eyes on the wall to make sure we don’t miss anything, right?”

Dera brightened. “Right.”

So that was the explanation she had put forward instead of telling the others the true reason for why I might want a lantern in the dark, enclosed tunnel.

There was a clatter as Loclen dropped my spear next to the other gifts. “Let’s eat. It’s too early for anything else.”

Prevna nudged the bundle that Wren brought into my ankle as she shrugged out of the pack on her back and I got the hint even as I recognized the pack. It was mine. And it looked as full as it had been when I was taken to the shore. Apparently, subtlety about my length of stay on this side of the garden wasn’t taken into consideration.

I picked up the bundle Wren brought. It was a blanket that had all four corners tied together before I undid the knots to reveal our meal: flat bread, a large bowl of pluckings covered with a rag and twine so it wouldn’t spill during its short journey, a similar bowl of chopped meat, and a pouch of ground’s blush berries. They were one of first things to pop out of the ground and ripen after the goddess’s winds blew through.

My mood darkened when I saw the berries and then darkened further as I berated myself for letting measly berries affect my mood. I couldn’t let every identifiable plant I saw affect me.

Even if I did know that if they were crushed and strained the dried pulp was helpful for getting the blood moving through the body and the juice could be added to a number of recipes.

I gritted my teeth and drew in a breath through my nose as, for once in my life, I wished the knowledge I had learned hadn’t been ingrained so deeply. That it took me a moment or two to deliberately recall the basic information rather than an automatic catalog and evaluation as soon as I saw an ingredient I recognized.

Prevna’s light brown hand set down a piece of flat bread piled with pluckings and meat on my lap. I looked up from my inner frustration to find that she had already divvied up most of the food to the others. She offered me the berry pouch and I shook my head. Her gaze narrowed on me before the moment broke and she shrugged and took some for herself.

Dera leaned around her again to smile uncertainly at me. “There should be enough left to keep for your midday meal.”

I tried to keep the snapped retort in, but there was only so much I could take. “I can take care of myself.”

Dera flinched back from my tone despite the fact that the statement was immediately undercut by the things they brought, the food in my lap, and Loclen’s derisive snort. “Didn’t seem that way yesterday.”

My jaw worked. I wanted to punch her or cut her down with my words, but I didn’t want to ruin even more things. Loclen wasn’t a friend, but Prevna was right there and I didn’t want to see the same frustrated disappointment on her face that Fellen had when I shredded her hair decoration. Wren was there too, watching me with a wary expression, and while it would be best for them all to keep their distance I didn’t want to see fear or disgust on her face either.

So I dug the nails of one hand into my palm, set my food aside with more force than necessary, and stood. “Say that again when you beat me at something. I don’t need anything you brought.”

Which was a blatant lie unless you only counted the spear Loclen had dropped at my feet. If I didn’t train with it chances were I wouldn’t need it in the Seed Landing.

Still, I knew that if anyone pressed the issue further the thin hold I had on my temper was going to snap and most likely I, and whoever snapped it, was going to regret whatever happened after later. They might deserve it for pressing me, but I was aware enough to know that most of my temper had nothing to do with those around me.

So I walked away and did my best not to stomp like some petulant child. I heard Prevna let out a small exasperated breath behind me, but, when I heard shuffling feet, she stopped them from going after me.

Tiredness dragged at me, but I wasn’t in the mood to sleep and I had things to do. I stopped just short of the enclosed staircase. Nothing like bone deep frustration to get me through the panic or panic to cut through the directionless anger. Either way I’d have a new problem to focus on and, hopefully, a stone to find.

The Beloved’s statue stared past me, still sharing a conspirator’s grin with those that passed by. I touched her hand where the stone had been hidden for luck and stepped past the covering of needles before my logical misgivings could catch up with my mind.

The walls pressed in around me as I stepped as quickly as I could down the steps. I could still see here, but I knew that would change soon enough, and the quicker I got through the better things would be. The tunnel started to turn and the foliage overhead got thicker. Gray shadow to pitch black.

Panic burgeoned from a pool of anxiety in my stomach to a sharp knife that cut through my stupid frustration. Everything felt too close and too wide at the same time now that I couldn’t see my next step and the memories were beginning to vie for my attention.

Now that there was no one to prick my pride and I was in this horrible, private space I could admit that I was scared. Lost. It was easier to admit here even than it had been the night before when I pleaded with the goddess. After all, my most recent loss wasn’t alone in this claustrophobic space.

Part of me wanted to sink into the memories, even though they could only hurt, because in them I would still have my healer’s beads. The same part of me idly wondered what living memory would consume me. Would it be the horrid walk through Flickermark’s exit tunnel again? Being kept inside the tent with no escape from judgment? Or the first time the twins stopped looking at me with friendly faces and turned away from me instead? The first time I learned that Father’s protection and love only ran deep if there was no one watching?

I had my healer’s beads through all of it, and I could heal everything else even if I couldn’t heal that.

But I didn’t now. And reliving the memories wouldn’t do anything but weaken my control and make me even more worthless.

I had myself and didn’t need anyone else, anything else. I had gotten myself into this mess, so it was about time I do something to get myself out of it.

I stepped down the stairs, one slow, careful step at a time. Better not to slip and fall again. Better not to rush.

I controlled my breaths, in and out, shaky as they were. But that was better than letting the panic run rampant. Even if I couldn’t control anything else I could still be in charge of that.

This was only a covered stairway with decent enough space for me to move. No one to block me from going down or up. Not a tent, not an alcove, no disappointed gazes to be seen.

So I was fine.

I just had to keep going. One cliff edge of a step at a time.

After some indeterminate amount of time, the tunnel began to lighten. I let myself move quicker once I was able to see again. When I burst out onto the viewing platform I stumbled forward for a handful of steps before I let myself collapse onto the ground. I drew in a chestful of the wide open air and let it out as I stared up at the goddess’s residence.

Perhaps I shouldn’t be in an undignified sprawl so close to Her home, but I had made it through on my own. I had made it and it wasn't like I had a lot left that could be taken from me.

I started to shake as some of the adrenaline and fear I had repressed in the tunnel swept up to break through my wavering focus. I let them run their course. There wasn’t anyone on the balconies to see. Nor did I like the idea of what was likely to happen if I stayed as strained as I had been since the trial. I didn’t need to be truly kicked out of the Seedling Palace so soon after I earned my place again.

Once the shakes died away—along with the incredibly idiotic urge to scream at the goddess to come out of Her home and deny me healing to my face—I got up and started looking for the stone. There wasn’t a whole lot of places to look given that the platform was a wide, flat area with a railing, but I made sure to make to check that there wasn’t anything dangling off the edge or otherwise hidden along the perimeter. I also searched around the staircase entrance and found nothing before methodically do a sweep, back and forth, across the entire platform.

I found a few errant twigs, pine needles, and not a whole lot else. No stones, no hidden entrances or exits so I wouldn’t have to go back up the stairs. Apparently, looking upon the goddess’s residence and possibly sighting one of it’s inhabitants was supposed to be the only treasure here. Which made sense even if I didn’t like it.

That left the library to check.

I eyed the staircase and decided that it would best to give the others a bit more time to clear out above. From what Prevna had mentioned when I was getting cleaned up the night before, training with Jin would be starting back up again. I wasn’t sure if she had meant today or the next day, but either way I was glad I was expected to keep clear of the training platform rather than make my way to it.

I put my back to the railing and the view. Perhaps I could rest a bit before I made my way back up. I’d probably do a better job searching the library if I felt a little more rested.

I didn’t think my eyes had been closed long when I heard footsteps on the stairs. I sat up straighter and did my best to look busy by inspecting my sling.

One person I expected. The other I didn’t.

Dera hurried out of the staircase with the pine cone lantern in hand. She seemed to deflate a little when she saw me. Prevna followed a little behind her, not in such an obvious hurry, and leaned against the lip of the covered staircase with her arms crossed. She also lifted her eyebrows at me. It felt like an odd cross of her checking in with me while also warning me off from saying anything mean.

I nearly rolled my eyes, but even I couldn’t deny that the lantern would be a welcome addition to the trip back up the stairs. So I drew in a breath full of patience and civility and asked, “Did you need something?”

Dera slowed to a halt in the middle of the platform, tucked some hair behind her ear instead of looking at me directly. “Oh, well…I—we—”

Prevna rescued her. “She was worried you might have fallen again. Last time you stormed off it didn’t go so well.”

Oh.

I blinked, caught off guard. Part of me was offended that she thought I was so inept that I would make the same mistake twice while the rest of me was having trouble reconciling the idea that she might care enough to come after me. I mean I knew she had cried before because she apparently felt responsible for the fall and I guess I had stormed off this time shortly after she tried to be helpful, though that had been because of Loclen more than her…

From the look on her face she hadn’t seen it that way. And Prevna was clearly expecting me to comfort her. Why, I couldn’t guess, when it had gone pretty poorly the last time. I was still trying to come up with something to say when Dera spoke up.

“Prevna said you probably just needed space, but I…wanted to make sure. When you weren’t in the net or garden she said you were probably here, so we got the lantern and came here…” her explanation ran out of steam.

It took an effort of will to let her second insinuation that I would have fallen slide by before I tried to offer her a tight smile in return. I think it turned out more like a grimace. “Didn’t quite make it that far.”

There. That was something. I shot Prevna a look. I could have just kept staring Dera down until she left.

Prevna rolled her eyes and pushed off the foliage she was leaning against with her shoulder. “Ready to go back up then? If we hurry, Dera and I can make it to training in time.”

I could tell she wasn’t exactly thrilled to have lessons with Jin again, but it did provide a ready excuse for this awkward meeting not to drag on too long.

I tucked my sling back into my belt and nodded. “I was about to go back up. I didn’t find the last stone.”

Dera hesitated and then pointed out, “We already checked down here and didn’t find anything.”

I got to my feet. “I know.”

There was beat of silence and then Prevna got things moving again. “Dera, can you lead with the light? Gimley and I will follow behind you.”

She agreed and then it was time for me to set myself against the memories again. Traveling with the light made for a different experience, if not entirely better. On one hand, we climbed the stairs a lot quicker than I had made my way down since we didn’t have to feel for every step, but, on the other hand, I could see exactly how little space there was in the tunnel. Prevna kept close to me and I knew she was checking for whatever signs Fellen had told her about.

I did my best to keep my breathing even and my focus on the stairs.

Dera pointed out the wall area in the middle of the staircase with the holes for the stones, but I didn’t do much more than glance at it despite its importance. They needed to get to training and I wanted out.

It didn’t take much longer after that for me to get my wish. Prevna and Dera left the pine cone lantern with me and I watched them head off in the direction of the garden. I knew better than to follow them to its edge. I wasn’t ready for that yet.

Instead, I turned my attention in the other direction and set off towards the hidden library, only making a quick stop at the bench with my supplies to drop off the lantern and eat my untouched breakfast.

Entering the nested library turned out to be a comfort I didn’t know I needed. Seeing the dangling stacks of scrolls, the warm light, all the knowledge I could still learn…it helped. Clara didn’t say anything from her spot in the open space in the middle of the library, but she did take a break from the scroll she was reading long enough to nudge Shawsh with her foot. The old man was still working on the scene from Flickermark I had described for him. He didn’t react to her foot nudge as he stayed bent over the piece.

A long suffering look came over Clara’s face and she jostled him harder with her foot. “Didn’t you want to show Gimley the progress you made?”

Shawsh slowly lifted his head, blinked at her, caught sight of me, and then grinned broadly. “You’re here!”

I did my best not to sigh. Some things didn’t change.