I stood behind my ‘special lawyer table’ ready to shit my pants.

Not because of how nervous I was, although that was definitely part of it. Right now I was more concerned with who, or what, was standing behind the table across from me.

It was basically a seven-foot-tall great white shark with arms and legs. And it was covered in barbed wire, because of course it was. What the actual fuck.

The great white stared down at the ‘special prosecutor table’ with its mouth hanging open. Oh god, it had hundreds of teeth. Was this… the prosecutor? Why the hell would the king pick someone like that?

“Yaika,” I whispered over at the throne. “Uhh… Princess Yaika!”

Either there was still too much talking going on in the room for her to hear me, or she was spacing out again. Most likely, it was a combination of both.

Just as I went to whisper again, I felt the presence of someone standing by me. Or… something. I turned to see the shark just a few feet away, only separated by my table. I prayed that the ‘special table’ had a harpoon gun somewhere on it.

Oh god. The shark looked down at me with its beady black eyes, the stench of fish and blood coming from its giant mouth.

“Can… I h-h-help you?” I asked.

And then, it spoke… with the voice of a 5-year-old child. “Hi Mistaw Wyley,” it said. “Is evewything okay with youw table?”

Huh? Did my mind break or something? I had never been so scared, yet wanted to laugh so hard. Instead, my brain just froze. “…What?”

“Oh, I’m sowwy.” The shark scratched the side of its head with one of its flipper arms. “I’m the wepaiwman.”

“You’re a…” I attempted to decipher what it was saying. “Repairman?”

“Yep,” the motherfucking shark covered in barbed wire replied. “King Bwinestein asked me to make shauw the special tables awe in owdaw.”

First of all, these were literally just regular foldout tables. Second of all, how did someone with flippers for hands perform repairs? Third of all, what the fuck? These questions, all of which I was sure I would never find the answers to, circulated in my head. That’s when I heard my name.

“Sir Ryley Allard!” a woman’s voice silenced the room. The repair-shark turned to look, revealing the other table. Behind it stood a woman with porcelain colored skin and long black hair.

From the looks of it, she wasn’t wearing any clothes. Absolutely nothing covering her chest. No nipples though. Weird. Oh yeah, and I was confused about who she was and stuff too.

“Do you have nothing to say for yourself?” the woman went on.

I glanced at the shark, then to Yaika, and finally to the king. “Am I supposed to know this… whatever she is?”

“This is the head of my execution squad.” The king’s voice boomed. “Lyili is this trial’s prosecutor.”

“Wow…” Yaika coughed or laughed or something. “I just realized how much your names sound alike. Ryley and… Lyili.”

“Oh!” The king chuckled. “I suppose they do.”

There was an awkward moment of silence. You could practically hear the crickets making a conscious decision not to chirp.

“So like I said,” I started again. “Am I supposed to know who she is? She’s talking to me like… I’m supposed to know who she is.”

“First you insult my underling, and now you insult me?” Lyili kept her voice at the same volume as before. “Unforgivable!”

“Underling?” I asked. I glanced back over at the shark. “You mean… this guy?”

“No, I do not mean ‘that guy’.” She slammed her fists against her ‘special table’, which for some reason made everyone in the room jump. “Surely you don’t mean to say that you’ve forgotten your encounter with one of my guillotines. Never in my career has an execution been canceled.”

“So… I insulted your guillotine?”

“You insulted my second in command!” Lyili pointed over at a brown haired girl standing close by. She had a slight smile on her face, and I recognized her from her lizard tail alone. She was the one who almost sent my head flying. “Can’t you see how torn up she is about this?”

I studied the lizard girl’s face. Her smile completely genuine. Her eyes bright and soft. Yeah. Totally torn up. Destroyed.

“That is why you will lose this ‘trial’,” Lyili said, motioning to the lizard girl. “Bring out the criminal.”

The girl disappeared into the crowd. A moment later, she returned with a guillotine and a shower of boos came down.

“Let Violetta go!” someone yelled.

“Your majesty, there’s no way Violetta would do something like this!” yelled someone else.

“You suck, Ryley!”

Who the hell was that asshole?

“Enough!” the king said, silencing the room yet again. “If Violetta is innocent, then the trial will prove it.” The audience didn’t argue. It was good to be the king.

“Hi Mr. Ryley!” Violetta waved, her head poking out from the hole of the guillotine.

“Uh… Hi?” I waved back. She was unusually chipper for someone about to die.

“After I prove her guilt, I will drop my blade,” Lyili said as the lizard-tailed girl brought out another guillotine. “And this is the blade you escaped just yesterday.” A twisted smile came across her face. “And when you lose, this blade will have its second chance at you.”

I gulped. This was basically what I expected, but the reality of it was just setting in. I was going to have to pull a miracle out of my ass if I was going to prove Violetta innocent.

“Mess this up and you’re dead, Allard,” Minzfel screamed. “Dead!”

I got that, thanks.