Geela: Welcome to our first of these little interviews. Darkos and myself will be deigning our Servants of the Dark Mistress and our Apprentice Sorcerers with responses to just a few of their questions.

Darkos: Right. Just so long as, you know, they don’t violate the rules. Geela’s got this thing about privacy—

G: When most of the known world wants you dead, your values shift a bit.

D: Right.

G: So let’s begin, shall we?

Q: Geela, when you entered your castle with Darkos for the first time, you seemed relaxed as you nonchalantly revealed your true identity to Darkos as if it was only a small concern. Nevertheless, I have to ask: were you at all nervous about possibly having to fight Darkos? Were you worried about your own safety? Were you worried about possibly having to hurt or even kill a friend? How confident were you that things would go your way?

G: Wow, you’re going straight for the hard hitters, aren’t you? Damned oath of honesty… Uhh, yes, I wasn’t exactly looking forward to that. I actually spent a lot time—well I wouldn’t say fretting—but contemplating how that might go down. Often in the evenings. Well, the night specifically. Could I have evaporated him? Obviously.

D: Thanks Geela.

G: For not? Don’t mention it. But yes, the original goal was to pick up a lackey to bring to the castle and then eviscerate them once inside.

D: Oh really. Thanks a lot.

G: Ok, actually stop mentioning it. But no, I hadn’t factored the impact that two years of travel with delightful company would have on the plan. About 6 months in I started having nightmares.

D: I didn’t know that.

G: Why did you think I wasn’t getting good sleep?

D: Well our bedrolls were kinda crap.

G: Yours was. Mine is lovely. I do offer that to you, you know. Maybe now that you aren’t swearing vows of discomfort, you’ll let me enchant yours. Anyway, the answer to your question is that the longer we traveled, the easier I decided to go on him. First I was going to kill him, then maim him, then threaten him, kidnap him, mind wipe him… None quite seemed to fit. They were all in my back pocket, of course, but the real course I followed was to rely on something I hate relying on.

D: ...void magic? Noir?

G: Trust you idiot. What’s the next question?

Q: Darkos, the task of overthrowing a powerful evil overlord with an unrivaled mastery over the dark arts is usually left to the chosen one of prophecy, or, at the very least, an experienced team of elite warriors. Assuming you did not have a death wish, what made you think that you, a healer, and Geela, a klutz, had what it takes to defeat Ja’Eel Scilatia, Mistress of Void and Lightning, the most powerful Dark Sorceress in the world?

D: Putting it like that makes me feel really dumb. I feel like I can’t answer this question without sounding dumb.

G: That’s never really stopped you before, has it?

D: Yeah, I feel like we both remember those “two years of delightful company” differently.

G: Ouch.

D: Anyway, I feel like if I say that I had a bit of chosen one syndrome, I’m going to be mocked, but I’m just gonna go out and say it. No one had ever gone so many pilgrimages without finding their calling—I guess without being sacrificed to Noire, but I didn’t know that back then—so I started thinking maybe I was destined for greater purpose. I decided I’d find the evilest thing I could and throw myself against it, trust in Alerion, no holds barred.

G: Wow so you did have a death wish? I’m sorry, I almost wish I hadn’t taken advantage of that.

D: Well you did. You made just enough coincidental connections that I thought I must be destined for this. But just another case of the wool over my eyes. I’m not sure how I’m still alive.

G: I couldn’t tell you why Noire hasn’t killed you but I know why I haven’t.

D: Oh?

G: Ah ah ah, I have to answer the interviewer honestly. Not you. Next!

Q: Geela, heroes and evildoers alike traditionally settle on a single costume to wear during all of their official appearances. A consistent look has the benefit of making one instantly recognizable, as well as helping to solidify a particular brand within the collective consciousness of the public. However, you change costumes frequently, carefully designing each one to suit whichever situation you expect to encounter. What was the thought process that led you to forgo the benefits of a singular costume to instead take on this much more dynamic approach to fashion?

G: Really? The best you can come up with is “Why are you not boring like other evildoers?” *sighs* I personally feel like I should ask the opposite; Why do so many people settle on just one get up? I personally think they lack versatility. Oh, one static look is good if you’re only going for one thing. You want to specialize in just cursing royal children? Don’t have to go any further than the frilly party dress with all the spiders coming off it—a personal favorite of mine.

D: I’d love to see that someday.

G: Spiders don’t creep you out?

D: We used to raise them as pets at temple! It was supposed to teach us about responsibility.

G: Right. Most schools do that with a dormouse. Or a sack of flour. But no, the followers of peace and healing raised spiders! *laughs* Anyway, if you’d like to come to a cursed christening with me, remind me after we’re done saving your eternal soul and I’ll see if can make sure someone fails to invite you to one. They really are a good time.

D: Uh, let’s put that on hold for now.

G: To answer the question, when you’re as good as I am, name’s all the branding you need. Besides, my eyes are visible in every costume, and those really drive the point home. Once you’ve shed the need for a consistent look, you can really improve your act. I noticed a significant ROI when I started shaking up the look. *pauses* Besides… it’s more fun.

D: ROI?

G: *sighs* They didn’t teach you much economics in cult school, did they? Next question!

Q: Darkos, as a follower of what you thought was the God of Peace and Health, were you allowed to kill people? How many people have you killed? Were you really planning on killing the Ja'Eel Scilatia?

D: You really are all aboard the whole ‘were you two actually going to kill each other’ boat, huh? My order doesn’t have a strict rule against killin—

G: —oh of course they don’t—

D: That’s not actually that uncommon! A lot of good and order aligned deities don’t enforce one. It’s limiting. The actual rule on killing is “For Alerion loves peace and good health of all, but knows that there are many who would do his children harm. To this he says ‘Love and defend yourselves from evil, for it is by your hand that peace will circle the realm but know that if you do intentionally seek out evil acts, you are no child of mine.’ Therefore kill lest you be killed, unless you can harm, and then harm first, unless you can disarm then you can— Geela are you sleeping?

G: Hmm? No! No no, just resting my eyes.

D: Alrigh—

G: And my brain.

D: Geela!

G: It is actually fascinating though. I do love doctrine, so please, continue.

D: The general rule is that you have to be attacked first.

G: And you just assumed that I, or ‘Ja’Eel’ would?

D: I was hoping you would, yeah. Actually I was really on the fence about killing Ja’Eel at first until I met you. Geela. My resolve got stronger every day then, cause I didn’t know if I could kill to defend myself but I knew I could to defend Geela.

G: Aww! Isn’t that sweet? I don’t deserve him.

D: Hmph.

G: ...would you still?

D: What?

G: If I was in danger, would you.

D: Of course!

G: God, I really don’t deserve him.

D: *laughs* Ok ok, next question.

Q: Why have the two of you been traveling around by foot, trudging through the swamp with a mule, instead of flying, teleporting, or something else more suited to a person of your status and power?

D: Is this a both of us question?

G: Do you have anything to add?

D: Well obviously flying takes a lot of energy, right? I mean, I’ve cast long term spells that have exhausted me, though maybe that was Noire just eating my soul.

G: Bit of both probably. You’re not wrong though, technically. Especially not about flying. But one thing you need to remember is *mutters inaudibly*

D: Geela?

G: I’m not a sorceress. Remember? So everything is either a long term spell I have to spin up over time or it has to be tied to an artifact. Take teleportation for example. Most teeping is temporary if you don’t want to end up a melted puddle of exhaustion for a week after hopping in. So for me, I’d need an artifact placed in my destination location, usually planted by a minion, and then I could port in all fabulously in pillars of smoke.

D: So you could send me in.

G: You’re not really a minion. Underling, sure. Grunt at worse. But no, sending Darkos into the wilds, willy nilly to maybe someday find Barney while I sit around, lonely, in my castle, crying into a box of bonbons that the cursed man bought me for my 70th birthday… *trails off*

D: Staying together was the best solution. Also chasing down her ex-husband hours after learning she’d lied to me wasn’t on the list of things I really was about to do.

G: *laughs, sniffing* No you’re right. I wouldn’t have pushed you like that. Besides, we just didn’t know enough. There’s so much travel we still have to do and we’re going a bit blind. Wasting a lot of energy to get from my castle to some other, only to learn my ex is in another castle would actually be worse than just traveling.

D: Also if you did just teleport to him and back, we’d never find out about Alerion and I’d really be screwed.

G: Right. In hindsight, this has been working surprisingly well, frog notwithstanding.

D: How many more questions are there?

G: I think one or three, depending on how much we like the reader.

Q: Geela, were you unable to stop Barney from aging, or did he choose to continue aging himself?

G: We actually talked about that a lot. He was pretty into the idea but I didn’t think it was super necessary. But I did give it my best go!

D: If getting fitted for immortality is anything like getting fitted for armor…

G: Oh it’s so much worse. You know how, like, when you’re combing your hair it hurts less than when someone else does it cause you know when to brace yourself for the pain.

D: Don’t you prefer it when other people comb your hair?

G: I absolutely do not prefer other people. Barney understood what I meant, since he was atrocious at combing hair but he wanted me to try anyway. I think it put some strain on our relationship though. Ultimately it got too… painful to keep trying. I just didn’t have the feel for his genes like that and I kept messing up and it got—

D: Seems like he had a temper.

G: Mmm, no, that’s a little harsh. He’s a good—

D: You don’t have to defend him.

G: ...right. Yeah, he sucked. And he did have a temper. If I wasn’t damn perfect with my magic, he accused me of just not trying enough. ‘You’ve done this how many times, Gills?’ Ugh. So when I messed up a few times and he said he didn’t want to try anymore, he said I shouldn’t stop aging anymore and it just got heated. *exhales deeply* We did get over it, since that was a pretty early fight, but I think there was an edge there for a while after that.

D: He called you Gills?

G: Oh hush you… What’s our next question?

Q: Darkos, as a follower of what you thought was the God of Peace and Health, were you sworn to celibacy?

G: Aww, you’ve made him blush! That means yes, right?

D: Geela! No! I mean yes. But also no. It’s up to the follower.

G: You can decide whether or not you want to stay celibate? Isn’t that kind of just how it works for everyone?

D: Alerion was always a fan of depriving us of the pleasures of the mortal realms.

G: I’d make a snide comment but that’s not even a Noire thing. So many Order patrons are so picky about that, my god. Some of the shenanigans my students got into because of that were simply… Well, that’s not within the scope of the question.

D: Oh man, I’d love to hear. But yeah, Alerion had different pledges you could take for an increase in your powers. I didn’t do the celibacy thing as a teenager. I actually had a girlfriend when I was sixteen.

G: You never told me that.

D: You’ve definitely had more than just Barney.

G: Ok, but you knowing I’ve had a handful of partners and me learning about your teenage girlfriend are so different. Did the celibacy thing call it off?

D: No. We broke it off at 18.

G: Oh no. Did she—

D: She wasn’t a priest, if that’s what you’re asking. So not sacrificed. But I was getting ready to go off on my journey and expected to be assigned from Alerion. We were going to go together but when I didn’t get selected by Alerion I went into this big funk. I told her I didn’t want her to come with me anymore and got in a big fight and… Yeah. Anyway, I didn’t pick up the celibacy vow until after the third time I failed to be selected. Realized I needed an extra kick so I swore off all that. Hadn’t done anything like that in a while.

G: He’s so embarrassed. Can you see how red he’s gotten?

D: Any more questions?

Q: Geela, what’s the deal with Barney’s nose?

G: Oh my god.

D: Now she’s getting red.

G: I am not! He really liked that thing.

D: He liked the wart.

G: It was a defining trait. Ran in the family. Everyone had one.

D: Oh wow. You met his family then?

G: That’s a story for another time… But yes. And it was bigger than that, though it didn’t block his nose the way it didn’t after I started fidgeting with his genes.

D: Oh no. You did that.

G: I did that. I took something that was all on the outside and completely put it inside his nose. I felt so bad. He was miserable and couldn’t even breathe half the time. I fixed it by reducing the wart but the damage was done. He was worried I’d make it worse if I did anymore.

D: Too proud to have you remove it?

G: I think he’d have killed himself. He loved that thing more than me. I hated it, but what was I going to do? Can’t force someone to change. So I touched it up and that was that.

D: Did he hold that against you?

G: Not as much, since he knew he’d asked for it. But it was still awkward.

D: Damn.

G: Can’t believe that’s the question we’re ending with. Barney’s damn wart. You people have some strange fascinations.

D: Least you didn’t have to talk about your sex life.

G: You know I wouldn’t have minded.

D: Probably why I was asked.

G: Oh well. We’ll see what they’ve got for us next time.

D: God, I don’t know if I should look forward to that or not.

G: Chin up Darkos. It just means they care.

D: I guess. Well. Bye for now I guess.

G: Toodaloo little peons!