“President Agha-ha-hog…” I muttered to myself.

“What did you say?” Kendra looked up from her book.

“I was thinking about the Gravian president.”

In an election where the only remaining rival to the presidency also happens to be the president’s favorite, the opposing side has to assume that they are already at a disadvantage.

Personally, despite being a thousand year old Archlich, I was still unfamiliar with the concept of allowing the filthy mud-eating, stinking, cross-eyed, bush-living peasantry to vote for the leader of their state. However, I did know that leaders of every kind won’t change: Ambitious, self-righteous, and above all, power-hungry.

Luckily for the people of Gravia, I was only skylord-hungry. The Gravians should be grateful that they have such an amazingly handsome and humble Archlich willing to guide them to a better path. I should be awarded Gravia’s most humble president once I get elected as well!

As I clutched my non-existent stomach, hungry for more skylord chops, I added, “We need to knock her out of the competition.”

“Assassinate?” several voices came out of nowhere as various assassins popped their heads from every hiding space.

“No! No assassinations!” Kendra shouted as she pushed an assassin’s head back into the bookcase next to her. “Assassinating a president will throw a gripper into our plans!”

“A what?”

“A gripper. You know that tool for gripping bolts,” Kendra explained as she made a crab claw with her hand.

“A wrench?”

“What?”

I waved my hand to put the conversation back into track. “I know that. There won’t be any assassinations. I still have no idea why I keep this plethora of assassins at the ready. I should probably fire them…”

“Fire?!” the assassins cried in unison.

Kendra angrily pushed an assassin’s head down the plant pot and asked, “What’s your plan, Master?”

“What do we know about her?” I asked while leaning forward.

“She’s a hag. A witch that’s ugly.”

“Her entire race is considered different because they’re ugly?”

“It’s a long history, I heard. They said the witches wanted to become a race of only beautiful women, so they just considered anyone ugly to be a hag. It caused quite a rift back then.” Kendra shrugged and rolled her eyes. “But that was a long time ago. Nowadays, witches and hags are known to work together.”

“And that is relevant why?” I asked.

“Agha controls the Covens.”

“What are the Cloves and why do I care if she controls the spice trade?”

“No! I said Covens! They’re Gravia’s biggest news networks. Starry Eyes Coven, Green Swamp Coven, and Willow-and-Mage Coven. They’re some of the biggest news networks in Gravia and they’re all under the puppet strings of Agha.”

“Huh, no wonder none of the beautiful and voluptuous witches would interview me…”

“If we want to knock Agha out, we need to somehow find a way to stop her influence over the news network.”

I placed my hand on my chin and went silent. My thoughtless head’s only companion was the creak of the chair as I spun myself around slowly until my vision landed upon a newspaper. It was an old paper talking about that time Daggerless, dressed as Princess Asha, body slammed several terrorists into submission.

“We’ll beat Agha at her own game!” I declared.

“Assassinate?” some of the assassins in the room muttered.

“Everyone, out!” Kendra ordered. “Now!”

The assassins started pouring out of their hiding spots and out of the room, utterly dejected and depressed. The last assassin turned his head and showed puppy eyes, but Kendra wasn’t having any of that.

“Now, what were you saying?” Kendra asked me when the assassins were finally evicted.

“We make our own network and overtake Agha’s covens.”

“What? You think you can beat Agha in a few weeks before the elections?” Kendra raised an eyebrow; doubt was clearly written on her face.

“We’ll make a sensational news network filled with lies, deceptions, and drama,” I declared.

Kendra blinked slowly then repeated with a low voice, “Lies, deceptions, and drama?”

“Lies, deception, and drama.” I stood up and raised my hand. Several papers flew into the air before exploding into smaller pieces. The fragments rearranged themselves, every piece joining together to form into one. The paper floated towards Kendra.

Leaning forward, she read the paper loudly, “President Agha actually had an affair with Senator Terebnis Gloomus Darkius. Shock! Could Agha be connected to the demons?!...What in the name of the Goddess is this?”

“We’ll make falsified drama. The mass loves drama! We’ll pull down the covens with outrageous stories. We’ll also pad the blame by making sensational stories about me. That way Agha won’t suspect us too much.”

“This is…”

“It’s fine! Witches lie all the time, so we’ll do it too!”

“Where did you even get that idea? Witches are known to be very honest and polite throughout the Continent.”

“Where did this world go wrong when I was gone?” I kneaded my nose and muttered. “Never mind. I know people like Agha. As long as we hit her powerbase, she’s bound to crack. Once she cracks, we’ll have an opening against her.”

“I feel like if we do this, Gravian media as we know it will change forever.”

“Bah, it’s fine. It’ll just be a bit of drama and fake news reporting for a few weeks. It’ll be fine!” I assured her.

*

*

*

“Read all about it! President Agha actually funding ‘We Love Burning Orphanages’ Terrorist Cell in Vallen Empire!”

“Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Agha actually just an ordinary ugly human!”

“News flash! Presidential-Candidate Particia had an affair with Senator Terebnis?!”

“No! It’s Senator Terebnis having an affair with President Agha-ha-hog!”

“Breaking news! Senator Terebnis is actually having an affair with himself?!”

“President-Candidate Boss actually not a sharp dresser?! Find out in ‘Fashion and Graves’!”

“Head Commissioner’s real name revealed?! Find out in the latest entry of ‘Gravia Yesterday’!”

The echoes of the outrageous headlines were very pleasing to my ears. If I could smile, my smug and arrogant grin would’ve stretched from one ear to the other.

“That’s a very ugly mask, Master,” Kendra commented as she walked beside me.

“It expresses how I am feeling right now,” I argued while shifting my mask in a more comfortable position. While Kendra wasn’t looking, I switched my grinning mask to my usual neutral mask. “Now, then. The pieces are slowly revealing themselves for the final battle. The end is coming, Kendra. Do you feel it?”

“The only thing I feel is a stomach ache.”

I stopped on my tracks and pondered. “Are we missing anything? How goes the support from outside the city?”

“It should be fine. Several demon attacks suddenly intensified outside of the capital, so the provinces are folding to our support since Daggerless is quite… flamboyant about dealing with the terrorists.”

“Excellent. The deal with the fairies is paying off faster than I expected. But it’s not enough to have the outlying provinces vote for me. What’s the situation in the capital?”

“We have support from both main law enforcement agencies in the capital, the education bureau, and several other sections. We also leeched all of Terebnis’ influence, so that’s icing on the cake.”

“And it will be just a matter of time before the populace turns over to my side!”

Kendra shook her head. “Not quite. Particia’s a very popular figure. Our only true edge is that we have Head Commissioner on our side, really.”

I lifted a finger and waved it. “No, no, no. You’ve forgotten that it’s not always about what’s above.” I slowly dropped my finger and pointed towards the ground. “It’s also what’s underneath.”

“Right! Gravia’s underworld is basically on our side.” Kendra pulled out a parchment and a floating ink-laden stick started scribbling onto it. “Not bad. Not bad at all!”

“By the way, when’s the election?”

“Two weeks later.”

“WHAT?” I pulled my hood down, took out a dagger, and started poking at my ear holes. Once I was sure there weren’t anything blocking my ear holes, I said, “Sorry, Kendra. I feel like I misheard you. When’s the election again?”

Kendra knitted her brows and slowly said, “Two… weeks later, Master.”

I clutched my stomach and moaned, “Oooh, my stomach. This was too sudden. I need more time to prepare…”

“I even told you that you only have a few weeks before you beat the president’s news network…” Kendra murmured.

“You said a few! I thought four or five. Not TWO.”

Kendra chuckled and waved her hand. “Ah well, Master. You should take these two weeks off and relax. My hard work will soon pay off.”

“Your hard work? I’ll have you know-”

“I know that you spent the majority of your time just sitting on the chair and doing your favorite hobby.”

“My favorite hobby?”

“Collecting dust, right?” Kendra placed her hands on her hips and asked with a raised eyebrow.

“No! I am just deep in my thoughts!” I sighed in defeat. “Like you said, maybe I should just take a break. There’s nothing more I can do now but wait. Let’s hope the deal with the fairies and our news networks would pay off even harder.”

“Great! Then teach me more magic!”

“I thought I would get a break!” I cried.