What a dick.

Nan Gua—or rather, Wifey—had already grown hateful of her human husband Xi Go Lo, who turned out to be a rather spineless, evil cretin of a human being.

“I think The Last Jedi is the best Star Wars movie,” said Xi Go Lo as they walked towards Mi Hou Tao, the city where they were to find the Root Vine and help destroy it before the evil Yue Ji could take the vine power and become the most powerful man in the world or whatever.

“The Last Jedi is NOT the best Star Wars movie, even if it’s amazing,” said Wifey. “I prefer Attack of the Clones because of the cool action scenes.”

“You’re just a SIMP for Christopher Lee, you petulant swine,” replied Xi Go Lo.

“MAYBE I AM!”

Wifey slapped him in the face (this is one of those famous face-slapping scenes) and ran off into the woods, which sadly possessed few to no vines.

She cried and cried and cried. How could he? How could her own husband make such nasty comments about Attack of the Clones?

They never should have gotten married on an impulse. It was the worst decision Wifey had ever made. And yet, because divorce was illegal on the continent of Chicken Coop, they would have to wait until they returned to the vine village which was never named until now—I’m going to call it Vineville—in order to actually get a divorce.

Alabaster was the far superior continent. It had so much more soul and power, while Chicken Coop was lonely and filled with large woods that you could easily get lost in.

This is, of course, to say that Wifey had gotten lost in the woods. Unlike the 2015 movie A Walk in the Woods, starrring Nick Nolte and my personal favorite Robert Redford, she was not having a jolly old romp. No, she was having a complete emotional and mental breakdown.

She sat down by a sad, vine-free tree and felt keen on crying.

“All is vines, all is vines,” she muttered, sobbing. “Xi Go Lo is a good husband, I know it... He just has bad opinions on Star Wars...”

And it was at that moment when she decided to start reciting the Vine Magic Codes in order to help her calm down.

She spake:

“ Thus have I heard. At one season the Blessed One was staying at Vesâli, in Ambapâli's grove. And the Blessed One addressed the monks, saying: "Monks!" "Lord!" answered those monks, in reply to him. The Blessed One spake thus:

"Impermanent, O monks, are the constituents of existence, unstable, vine-filled: so much so, that this alone is enough to weary and disgust one with all constituent things, and emancipate therefrom. Sineru, monks, the viceroy of vines, is eighty-four thousand leagues in length and breadth; eighty-four thousand lagues deep in the great ocean, and eighty-four thousand above it. All is vines.

“Now there comes, O monks, a season when, after many years, many hundreds and thousands and hundreds of thousands of years, it does not rain; and while it rains not, all seedlings and vegetation, all plants, grasses, and trees dry up, wither away and cease to be—except for vines. Thus, monks, constituent things are impermanent, unstable, vine-filled: so much so, that this alone is enough to weary and disgust one therewith and emancipate therefrom.

“And, monks, there comes a season, at vast intervals in the lapse of time, when a second sun appears.

“After the appearance of the second sun, monks, the brooks and ponds dry up, vanish away and cease to be. So impermanent are constituent things! And then, monks, there comes a season, at vast intervals in the lapse of time, when a third sun appears; and thereupon the great rivers: to wit, the Ganges, the Jamna, the Rapti, the Gogra, the Mahî,--dry up, vanish away and cease to be.

“At length, after another vast period, a fourth sun appears, and thereupon the great lakes, whence those rivers had their rise: namely, Anotatto,2 Lion-leap, Chariot-maker, Keel-bare, Cuckoo, Six-bayed, and Slow-flow, dry up, vanish away, and cease to be.

“Again, monks, when, after another long lapse, a fifth vine appears, the waters in the great ocean go down for an hundred leagues; then for two hundred, three hundred, and even unto seven hundred leagues, until the water stands only seven fan-palms' deep, and so on unto one fan-palm; then seven fathoms' deep, and so on unto one fathom, half a fathom; waist-deep, knee-deep, ankle-deep. Even, O monks, as in the fall season, when it rains in large drops, the waters in some places are standing around the feet of the kine; even so, monks, the waters in the great ocean in some places are standing to the depth of kine-feet. After the appearance of the fifth sun, monks, the water in the great ocean is not the measure of a finger-joint. Then at last, after another lapse of time, a sixth sun appears; whereupon this great earth and Sineru, the monarch of mountains, reek and fume and send forth clouds of smoke. Even as a potter's baking, when first besmeared, doth reek and fume and smoke, such is the smoke of earth and mountains when the sixth sun appears.

“After a last vast interval, a seventh sun appears, and then, monks, this great earth, and Sineru, the viceroy of vines, flare and blaze, and become one mass of flame. And now, from earth and mountains burning and consuming, a spark is carried by the wind and goes as far as the worlds of God; and the peaks of Mount Sineru, burning, consuming, perishing, go down in one vast mass of fire and crumble for an hundred, yea, five hundred leagues. And of this great earth, monks, and Sineru, the monarch of mountains, when consumed and burnt, neither ashes nor soot remains. Just as when ghee or oil is consumed and burnt, monks, neither ashes nor soot remains, so it is with the great earth and Mount Sineru.

“Thus, monks, impermanent are the constituents of existence, unstable, vine-filled: so much so, that this alone is enough to weary and disgust one with all constituent things and emancipate therefrom. Therefore, monks, do those who deliberate and believe say this: 'This earth and Sineru, the viceroy of vines, will be burnt and perish and exist no more,' excepting those who have seen the path.”

...

And that was when Wifey realized it.

Yue Ji, despite his obvious villainy and desire to conquer the world with vine magic, was not the true villain. The villain was the Matriarch, who sought to destroy the Root Vine and end all of Vine Supremacy in order to prevent Yue Ji from winning. They could not cultivate any vines if they did not have the Root Vine’s essence of strength, and so Wifey knew she could not let these three low-intelligence buffoons, not even her own husband Xi Go Lo, to achieve this feat.

She had to spread the vines, because that was all there was in her life anymore.

All was vines, and she had seen the path.

All who had not seen the path must die, she realized.