The four horsemen stared us down.

The tank idled, its engine purred dutifully.

I peeked ever so slightly out of the hatch. Only the tip of my red rim showed, and I spun around, really drinking in the sight of these four strange travelers, just as they drank in the sight of a strange metal behemoth purring suspiciously down an unmarked dirt road.

The horsemen seemed ready to fight. Their hands gripped weapons, and beneath the hoods of their cloaks, they cast knowing glances at one another.

"Redrim," whispered Vil. "Ask them for directions."

"No," I whispered back. "A real man doesn't ask for directions."

"That doesn't make sense," Vil said. "Just ask them. It'll help diffuse the situation."

"I'm a trash can," I whispered back. "A talking trash can in a battle tank will in no way diffuse the situation."

Vil grunted out of his seat and stomped over. "Swap with me," he said. "I'll do it."

I scooted past him and crawled to the driver's seat, and by crawl, I mean I used my metal tentacle arms like a spider. Johnny and Sophie were not impressed.

"Greetings," Vil said aloud. "My driver wants to know where the nearest town is."

"Motherfucker," I hushed. "We're not lost!"

A young man's voice spoke back. An oddly heroic one. "Oh? Is that a quest?"

Vil crouched down. "I think they're adventurers." He peeked back out of the hatch. "Art thou of the adventuring ilk?" he said, trying to mimic the tone of a quest giver, whatever that tone was supposed to sound like.

"We are!" said the young voice. "My companions and I are on a grand quest, and--what luck!--we happen to be in the mood for a side quest!"

Vil crouched back down. "They're adventurers."

"Yes, I heard."

Vil peeked back up. "Very well, adventurers. Escort us to the nearest town, and we may provide you with--" He crouched down. "What can we give them?"

I shrugged as well as a trash can could and said, "I dunno. Potions? Five potions? Ten. Make it ten."

Vil peeked back up. "We can promise but ten of our finest battle potions."

The adventurers were quiet. Whispers passed between them. I couldn't hear what they were saying, and I could only catch a couple words. "Charisma check," one said.

This time, another voice spoke. It was a girl's voice. "I terribly hope this isn't much to ask for," said the girl, "but could you perhaps spare a few more? We are but young adventurers on a holy quest to slay the great dragon, and your patronage would be greatly appreciated."

Vil crouched down, but I had already answered. "Yes..." I told him.

He peeked back up. "Aye, adventurers. You will have your twenty potions. Verily indeed."

"Then it's settled!" said the young male hero. "Follow us, for we happen to be on the way as well."

I wanted to rub my temples, but again, trash can--no temples. Instead, I coasted the tank as the adventurers trotted on either side of us. Perhaps this was good, I thought. I had planned to park out of earshot from the town to avoid any unnecessary fights with confused guards, but now that we had friendly adventurers with us, we might just be able to park right into town without too much of a fuss.

Sophie whined behind me. "Can-can I sit on top? I've been cooped up in here all morning! Please?"

Adorable. She almost sounded like Jenna. "Yes," I said. "And take Johnny."

"Yiss!" she took Johnny by the hand, and they climbed past Vil, up and out of the tank. I could hear them stumble around on top, then sit on the roof.

A conversation spurred between the adventurers and the two lovers. Something nice. I couldn't hear. Didn't care either. I was just tired of driving.

And we drove for only a quarter-hour until the town came into view. Although the driving viewport was narrow as all hell, I could see buildings slide into view past the tree branches and undergrowth. Then, people. Short people with long ears, sporting the usual white elvish cloaks, almost all of them with long hair. Elf things.

I had been here, nearly two hundred years ago, but I could scarcely remember it. The world had changed much then, my memory faded, and though these elves were near-immortal, as I was, surely there wouldn't be a soul here who would've even known the name Obi Imsi.

"Halt," ordered a voice. It came from an elvish guard. He carried a long spear, enchanted with blue light. An ice spell, no doubt.

A horseman rode forward and pulled back his hood. Boyish short hair. It was the young hero. He spoke softly, too quiet for me to hear, but his gestures were calming. And it worked. The guard was calmed. The elf guard looked vaguely at the tank, then waved us in.

As we passed, Vil peeked out of the hatch. He said something about storing the tank overnight, and the guard said something back. Vil confirmed, then crouched down. "They have a barn," he pointed through the driver's viewport. "We can park there for the night."

"The night?" I asked.

"Yes," he said. "We need rest, Redrim. We've already covered more than half the distance in half a day."

I crept the tank toward the barn, trying to angle myself so I could fit right in. "You're right," I said. "A lot happened yesterday. From that trading town, to the city, fuckin' Johnny, and this bitch back here," I nodded to Jessie. "Yeah, let's take a break for a bit."

Vil took a deep breath. "Thanks, Redrim."

Johnny and Sophie hopped off the tank to open the barn doors for us, and while it was a tight fit, the tank slid in perfectly. The barn wasn't dark; sunlight slipped in from the several holes in the roof. Inside was a wide enough space to camp if I wanted, and the floor was covered in old hay. The entire place seemed so ancient that I feared that if I hit something, it would all just collapse.

But I didn't. I was now a capable tank driver. The engine continued to purr, and when I shut her off, she whirred to a stop. The last echoes of the tank subsided, and then I could hear it: the sounds of a humble little elvish town in the midday rush.

"The potions," Vil said. "We'll need to pay off those adventurers."

Hmmm-click-kaclunk-clunk.

+20 Mana Potions, Level 50

+1 Burlap Sack (Common)

I gave him the sack of potions. They clinked around, and the blue glow shone through the fabric.

Vil climbed out of the tank, and I could hear him speaking with the adventurers. Items offered, thanks given, etcetera, etcetera. I stayed inside the tank. I still needed to make my War Machine armor before I ventured into town.

Vil said his goodbyes, the adventurers left, and the barn doors shut behind them. The light here dimmed, and I climbed out to take a deep breath of fresh air.

I found Vil standing around with Johnny and Sophie, and they stared as I made a nice seat atop the turret.

"I'll arrange a room for the night," said Vil.

"I won't need one," I said. "...I don't sleep."

Vil shrugged, then left. Johnny and Sophie waited until the door was shut before speaking.

Sophie spoke first. "Thank you again, Mr. Redrim. For everything."

Johnny blushed and scratched his neck. "Yeah, man. I probably could've gotten away on my own. I'm slippery like that, but--" Sophie kicked him, "--ow--but, yeah, I appreciate it."

"So you're off then?" I asked.

He grinned, a sort of hearty, life-filled grin, and he squeezed Sophie's waist. "Yeah. All this talk of adventure has me riled up! We'll start over, man. Brand new. Blue skies! Open plains!"

"Okay," I said, getting real bored real fast. "Good luck."

Sophie smiled again, and they left.

The barn doors open, then shut.

And soon, silence found me again. A calm peace of the forests. The birds chirping overhead, pillars of dusty sunlight shining across the hull of my tank, and for the first time in what seemed like forever, I felt safe. Secure. Not chased by fuckin' pervert weirdos, or butthole touchers, or snake mages, or mobsters, or anything, really. Just me, my tank, and--

Anschoo!

Something sneezed. Was it me? No. I was a trash can. Trash cans don't do that.

I looked around.

Ah-anschoo!

It came from the tank. I looked down through the hatch, and looking back up at me was the face of a needlessly attractive former tank commander, all chained up.

Jessie had awakened.