WHY IS SHE HERE NOW!?!?

I’ve been married for about… an hour at most. But no; she’s here. In the flesh. In a wedding dress. Minus a veil. This bride delivery service is truly a marvel. Zamaon Prime needs to take notes.

And, uh… she looks absolutely stunning.

“Uh… can I come in?” She fidgets, looking nervous.

SHIT. I’m like a sat here like a statue.

“Yes, absolutely! Please, come in!” I jump up.

Thank god I cleaned up the sitting room yesterday.

She closes the door behind her. I hear the maglock shut with a clunk. How did she open it… is it… right, she’s a mage! And her speciality… Maglocks would be absolutely useless against her if she can alter magnetic fields.

But wow… she’s pretty bold.

What kind of girl just goes into the flat of a strange man and closes the door behind her? I could be dangerous! Ah… but she could just electrocute me and be done I suppose. Am I actually the one in danger here!?? How does I shot magic!?!

“AH! Um… just to confirm, you are Jim Corwin, right?” She suddenly splutters; almost like she sensed my thoughts.

“Oh, yes. That’s me.”

She lets out a breath. “Thank goodness. You didn’t say anything; and then… though you did look like the image I saw… I thought I had just done something tremendously rude. I didn’t even consider the possibility when I first spoke, but you could have been my husband’s similar looking friend or flat-mate.”

Wow. She’s a klutz!? No… its my fault for being a dingus! She is clearly putting on a tough face, but she’s probably terrified. What am I even doing acting like an easter island statue to this poor girl!? I need to make her realise I’ve made a terrible mistake!

I slap myself internally; and put on my best 'charming host' package, the one that also works to assure worried family members in the ER that all will be, if not okay, then certainly looked at probably within the next hour.

“I am sorry. I’ll be honest, I was staggered by how pretty you were. But I was being really rude and a terrible host. Please sit down; would you like a drink?”

Her lips part for a moment, and she smiles and nods.

“You flatter me; but I appreciate it. Do you have any white wine?”

Flatter her? No way. I’m stating facts here. White wine… uh… yes; I keep that in for Hailey when she comes round. Its some decent stuff, I think. I pop its cork without hesitation, and bring over the good wine glasses.

I know my basic wine etiquette. As she holds her glass, I pour her a mouthful only. She smiles a stunning smile at me; and takes a sip.

“This is good. It has hints of roses and the crisp feeling of a fresh morning dew. It’s fine.” She nods.

I fill up her glass, and then pour myself some. I have no idea what she just said, but wine connoisseurs speak like that. I take a sip, and its good, but I probably couldn’t talk about these flavours at all. I put it down.

Hmm. I feel like I should have actually asked her age. She looks so youthful! But I’ll believe her. She can drink in the UK at 18, and she seems quite used to it, so its fine. I have a moment to think. I need to figure out a roundabout way to let her down slowly and figure out I need a divorce. Well…

“So… Lapis. Why did you decide to match with me…? I mean, uh… marry me? Surely I can’t be that good a choice for someone as lovely as yourself?”

Her eyes open wide for a moment, as if I’ve just told her she’s a fool. She puts down her wine glass, and her expressions shift rapidly. I feel like I’ve made a mistake.

But then, most women are hard to read. It’s far easier to understand a woman’s pulse than a what truly goes on in her heart.

“Jim… I may call you Jim, yes?” She looks under her eyelashes at me. Who could say no to that?

“Absolutely.”

She immediately puts her hand on mine. Bold!

But then she sighs, and blinks a few times, as if holding back a terrible sadness.

“You are the best choice for me. And though it may seem arrogant for me to say this… you have made the right choice with me as well.”

BOLD! My heart seizes up. I don’t think any single man with blood still in his veins could possibly find that proclamation anything other than horribly adorable.

I gulp, and try to keep a grip on my sanity. This isn’t how I expected this to play out.

What is wrong with this girl? How can she suddenly throw her life into this!?

“Jim; I may not be a very strong mage, but this is what you need for your future. You know that to be the case, which is why you matched with me in the first place.”

No, no, I matched with you because you’re drop-dead gorgeous. How was I supposed to know you weren’t strong? How does that even matter?

“You don’t need to worry about other suitors, either. You may not know about my family’s situation, but my prospects were actually quite slim.”

How can that be true? She’s lying to herself. I need to make sure she understands I can’t be a good pick as her husband.

Nope, nope, nope! Stop the bad thoughts! Start reciting the skeletal structure of the hand, brain. Now. Do it.

I do. But it’s hard to. She holds the top of my hand even tighter, grasping it almost as if she is scared. I know I am. This is building to something terrifying.

“If anything, there is no-where but here I can go. By picking me…”

She lets out a gentle breath. Her eyelids flutter and then shut gently. Hold the phone. Put the brakes on! Stop the truck! EMERGENCY STOP. PLEASE!

“Yes, by picking me… You are my hero.”

[YOU HAVE DIED] appears in front of my eyes for a moment (Well technically, isn’t this the third time today?)

Oh, fuck it. Something else takes over my corpse.

“I see. Then be my wife, Lapis.”

She giggles, and jumps at me wholesale, into my arms. Her entire weight, which isn’t all that much to be honest, presses against me, and her face becomes close.

“I already am, Jim.”

Help! I’m being oppressed!

Quick lesson girls. No man can resist a pushy beauty. I had lost everything the moment I failed to stop her coming inside. Like Sun Tzu himself was behind her, she had won the battle long before she actually fought it.

Okay. I guess I’m married.

And what now?

Well, the logical, storytelling part of my mind is not in control right now. I am merely providing a director’s commentary live of a man who has lost sanity and reason.

And considering the fact that an insanely beautiful girl, in a wedding dress of sorts, has jumped at said man’s lap, and is close to said man, whom is controlled by his base urges, the fact that said man closes to kiss her is practically a given.

So yes. I kiss my wife. Absolutely nothing wrong with that, is there?

Apparently, given her gasp and wide eyes, she is taken completely by surprise, though.

Which is truly a mystery. What the hell was she expecting to be the result of her dangerous poking of a hornet’s nest? Hell, she was knifing that fucker.

Also, I don’t like to humble brag about it, but during various incidents in university and college, I established the fact that I am an above-average kisser. Even ‘primal me’ has those skills, and if anything, its bestial nature enhances them further.

A surface kissing quickly escalates to stealing her tongue and intertwining my saliva in hers. Taken off guard as she apparently seems, her body goes limp.

If the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, ‘This was their finest hour.’

Shut-up Churchill.

At this point, roughly a minute in, I feel as though I can wrest control back from the now hypnotised beast, so I at least manage to stop myself from suffocating the poor unprepared girl.

“Ummppffpphtmmm… Haahhhh… huuhhhh… huuu…” she manages, her eyes glazed over, a bit of drool rolling off her lips, and her slender chest rising rapidly to restore her breath.

It’s a sight, for sure.

“Muuuy furrrrst kisssss… aaammmazinnn…”

Oh god why.

I’m now a massive jerk…