Chapter 2 - A Conversation With An Incredibly Snarky God

I woke to darkness. Not knowing where I was, or, more importantly, what I was. I felt something surrounding me, but I couldn’t see or hear. There was just… nothing.

‘This must be part of my ascendance to godhood,’ I thought smugly. I couldn’t believe that I was actually becoming a god. Whatever that magic stone or system text was, I silently thanked it for picking me. Was it luck that I had stumbled upon it? Or perhaps fate. Maybe I was fated to become a god, all along. Mentally, I scoffed at the thought of the other ‘God’. Now I would have the same power that he had, I would show him. I would not waste my power, messing around with innocent Barons like I had been.

It felt cramped, wherever I was. I could not feel my arms or legs- or my entire body, for that matter. I tried to shift around where I was, but failed miserably. Did being a god mean I had somehow lost my ability to move? Did gods even have bodies?

A little bit of anxiety crept up on me. What if I had chosen wrongly? What if… ‘God’ was right, and being a god wasn’t all fun and games?

Worried, I tried to move again, but I didn’t seem to have control over my body. The good news was that I could finally feel my body. Whatever it was. My ‘body’ was rounded and limbless. I began to experiment, concentrating on it. Surely this wasn’t it. Just a rounded, knobbly… thing?

Then, as I got to the very edges, I felt something else. Some sort of thin, thread like material connected to me. Was this what defined my gender? I guessed there were genders in godhood too. But I couldn’t feel anything past the point, so I assumed it wasn’t a part of my new body.

Apart from that, I could feel my groggy consciousness beginning to slowly fade away once more, drawing me back to the land of dreams. But before I fell asleep, I needed to find something. Anything. Anything that was proof I was still alive.

I began to feel around myself again, and surprisingly, I felt something else. A hard lump pressed against me from above, squishing my body deeper into the confines whatever this material I was surrounded by was. Speaking of the material, it was coarse and unpleasant. It felt like sand or dirt, and I could feel some of its particles filling in little crevices in my body.

Was this my new beginning? It had to be. Now that I thought about it, it all started to make sense. Me being buried, a new body, everything! I hadn’t realised becoming a god was so similar to the growth of a caterpillar. This was my cocoon. I was probably in some sort of growing stage.

So, with that thought in mind, I let the drowsiness take me, with the thought that I would soon wake up as a god.

Thunk.

Thunk.

Thunk.

My consciousness snapped awake, alerted by the loud, repetitive thunking. It took a moment for me to remember where I was. I still couldn’t see. The only thing I could do was feel. Then I felt the cocoon shift around me and felt the sharp tip of something poking into my side.

‘OW’ I shouted in my head. Wait, I couldn’t speak either?

Something cool slid underneath me and lifted me out of the cocoon. I felt a rough surface caress me for a second, before dumping me into a pile of similarly shaped objects. By this time, I was very confused.

Who wouldn’t be? I had been promised godhood, but instead, I had been turned into a… What had I been turned into?

‘Help! Someone help!’ I thought, desperately trying to shift my body.

[Congratulations on your ascension! You have been transferred to the Path of the Potato God.]

The words appeared before me in the darkness, followed by that lifeless voice from the magic stone. That magic stone! I was in this state because of it.

‘Hey! Magic stone! What did you do to me?’

[You have been transferred to the Path of the Potato God.]

‘Potato God? What the heck? My wish was to be a god, not a potato god.’ I was furious. This was probably ‘God’ playing some silly trick on me. ‘God, I know this is you! This isn’t funny!’ I was practically screaming at the top of my non-existent lungs by now.

[To open your status window, say ‘status’.]

I paused. These texts were definitely screwing with me. ‘I CAN’T SAY ANYTHING! Stop messing around with me, words!’ It was strange how the only things I could see or hear were these texts. Where were my senses? Just as I was about to give up and fall back into my slumber, the words changed once more.

[Hello, Winston.]

Somehow, these words knew my name. ‘God…’ I thought. ‘This is you, isn’t it?’

[You may call me G.]

[I am the operator of this system.]

[Welcome to your new life! You have been reborn on the Path to Potato Godhood!]

This was new. Using my highly intelligent brain, I deduced that someone was controlling these texts. Hopefully, they would be able to answer my questions. It didn’t seem like I needed to actually ‘speak’ for them to hear me, which was both good and bad. Good, because, well, I didn’t have a mouth. Or vocal box. Or lungs. Bad, because now whoever this person was could hear all my thoughts, including my… private ones. I decided to test this with a simple question. ‘I wished to be a god. Why am I not a god?’

[Ah, well. Long story short, I did intend to place you on the Path to Godhood. However, some unfortunate events caused me not to do so.]

‘Unfortunate events? Like what?’ If I had eyebrows, I would’ve raised them suspiciously.

[Um, well, you really wouldn’t want to know. Being a potato god has its benefits, you know? You don’t need to eat or drink, you can fall asleep instantly, and you get a bunch of cool powers!]

‘Stop.’ I thought. ‘Why am I not a god?’ It really was hard to sound menacing when communicating with only my thoughts.

[Technically, you are a god, though.]

[But fine. *Sigh*. Do you really want to know?]

‘Yes.’ My mind was set. ‘Stop stalling.’

[You see, I was tired. And when I input your wish into the wish-o-maker, I meant to write ‘Powerful God’...]

‘Uh huh…’ I couldn’t see where this was going.

[But I accidentally input ‘Potato God’ by mistake. It was my bad and I take full responsibility for it but-]

‘Potato god?’ I fumed in disbelief. ‘Potato god. How in the hell does ‘powerful god’ become ‘potato god’?’ There was no way those words were even similar.

[Yes, I completely agree. Honestly, I don't know what my godly autocorrect was thinking. I input one letter incorrectly and it changes the entire word? Tsk. I only missed out on it because I was tired. On any other day I would’ve caught it and fixed it.]

I… didn’t know what to say to that. ‘What is ‘autocorrect’?’ Whatever it was, it was the cause of my current suffering. Not that I had actually suffered yet.

[Autocorrect is a type of program or system that assists users with correcting misspelled words.]

‘That wasn’t you, was it?’ I asked.

[Not bad. It seems like your IQ has risen, along with your ego.]

I chose to ignore that. ‘So now that I’m a potato god- whatever that is, what can I do? You said I had powers, right?’ At least I was some sort of god, right?

[Ah. My sincerest apologies. I forgot to mention that you aren’t actually a potato god. Yet. My job is to only set you on the path to earn what you wish for. Whether or not you actually get to that point is another story. Right now, you’re just a lil’ spud.]

I stared blankly at the texts for a few moments and tried to blink. I failed. ‘You’re not actually sorry, are you?’

[Well, you see. It’s just that I find this situation so… humorous.]

That was the last straw. ‘Humorous? Humorous? This is funny to you, huh? I’ll show you, you little brat. I’ve got connections to a god, you know that? I’ll call him up on you to reverse whatever you’ve done to me. Give me back my body and my life!’

[Ah. Another thing I forgot to mention. That ‘God’ you intend on calling? How do you plan to do that?]

I would’ve frowned if I had a face. ‘Just you wait.’ Ha! I’d show this sucker. I was able to call ‘God’ once a year apart from his visits, and I hadn't called him this year yet. ‘God! Heed my call! I request your assistance!’

[...]

‘What?’ I thought smugly. ‘You scared?’

[You called?]

It took a second for my mind to contemplate what G had just said. And when I did, I froze in disbelief. ‘There’s no way… You can’t be… You? You did this?’

[I only did it because you asked. It was your wish.]

[Trust me on this, though. You’re better off on the Path to Potato Godhood. The Path of a True God is… scarring, to say the least.]

I didn’t believe him. Of course I couldn’t. How was I supposed to believe someone who’d turned me into a potato? ‘Change me back. Change me back right now.’

[Ah. I’m afraid that’s not possible. Did you not read the disclaimer?]

I vaguely remembered that little piece of text that had appeared after my ascension. ‘Your physical body, memories, life, status…’ I trailed off. I didn’t remember the rest. Unfortunately, the very helpful text finished it for me.

[...power and magic may all be reset and once they are, it is impossible to get them back.]

[On the plus side, your memories weren’t reset, right?]

I groaned. Surely this couldn’t have happened to me of all people. Why? I hadn’t done anything bad in my life- my past life before.

[I don’t think you’d want to go back, anyways.]

Right. I had been kicked out of my castle, kicked out of the ‘Baron’ position by my own uncle. I had nothing. ‘How long has it been?’ I felt like I’d been asleep for just a night, but something told me that wasn’t the case.

[Three months. You’ve been growing as a potato for three months.]

[Your uncle… you’re not much better than him, but…]

‘But what?’ I demanded.

But before he could reply, I felt myself drop heavily and a whole bunch of- what I assumed were other potatoes tumbled over me. The sack that I was in heaved for a second, before coming to a rest against a wall. ‘What’s going on?’

[The world will continue to revolve and evolve. If you don’t do the same, you’ll fall behind.]

‘Oh for goodness sake, now’s not the time for riddles!’

[I wish you the best. May you reach the end of your path. G, out.]

The text fizzed out for a moment, then came back. At first, I was relieved, but then I could tell that G was gone. The words were simply words. Lifeless.

[To open your status window, say ‘status’]

‘It’s ok, June, it’s ok. Let’s just do what these texts say until G comes back. I’m sure he’ll be back soon. He can’t leave me here all by myself, right?’ I calmed myself and re-read the sentence.

‘Status’

A wall of information appeared before me.

___________________________________________

Winston June

Title: Lil’ Spud

Race: Potato

Path: Path to Potato Godhood

Faith: 0

Xera: N/A

Path Skills:

[Divine Being] (Passive) {Maxed}

Race Skills:

[Germinate] (Active) {1/30} [Potato Battery] (Passive) {1/40}

Misc. Skills:

[Mind Speech] (Active) {1/20} [Super Duper Weak Telekinesis] (Active) {1/5} [Area Of Awareness] (Passive) {1/25}

___________________________________________

‘Huh?’ The first part wasn’t much of a surprise. I knew I had been turned into a potato. But the second part. Faith? Xera? Skills? What were those? Also, what were these names? Lil’ Spud? Super Duper Weak Telekinesis? This had to be some form of joke.

Then I heard something else. Something that wasn’t G’s or the text’s voice.

“May, how many did you need? Five?” A man’s gruff voice said.

A man, calling to a woman.

And then, the darkness was gone. I could see. Not very well, mind you, but still. It was the first light I had seen since my transformation into a potato. I made out a burly hand reaching down into the sack I was in, pulling out several potatoes like myself.

After the first was taken, the top of the pile tumbled down into the depths of the sack’s abyss, leaving me, exposed, at the very top. However, I was preoccupied with finding out how I could see.

My new sight was strange. I didn’t seem to be able to perceive colours, and I could only vaguely make out the shape of objects. Also, my vision seemed to fade to black if I tried to see too far away from myself. Ah, the most important thing. I could see in a sphere around me. Everything. And boy, it made my non-existent head spin. It would be something definitely hard to get used to. It was like someone was constantly spinning me, except I was able to focus on everything without it being blurred out. Was this caused by the skill ‘Area Of Awareness’?

If I had a body- correction. If I had a human body, I might have thrown up.

Too busy testing out my new sight, I failed to notice the human’s hand reaching down once more into the sack, coming straight for me. As I felt the roughness of his skin encircle my small body, blocking out more than half of my vision. I couldn’t help it. I squealed.

But he didn’t seem to hear.

I still couldn’t talk. That was a pain.

The man dropped me in a bucket with the other four potatoes and whistled merrily.

‘Where are you taking me?’ I thought ferociously. ‘I am Winston June, Baron of Agridia! Don’t you dare ignore me!’

But they didn’t seem to be able to hear, or were just ignoring me.

Wasn’t one of my skills mind speech or something? Surely I’d be able to communicate with these lowly commoners. Frustrated, I tried to move. I still couldn’t.

Still blissfully unaware of my presence, the man placed the bucket on some sort of counter, before pulling up his checkered long sleeves and scrubbing his hands clean in the sink. I frowned, wondering what he was intending to do. Wash me? If that was the case, I would probably reward the man when I reclaimed my position as Baron.

But instead, once he flicked his hands dry, he grabbed some sort of tool from beside the bucket that I couldn’t see. ‘Oh god, can my day get any worse?’ I sighed in annoyance. I glanced at the text that was still taking up a part of my vision. ‘Huh.’ The words had changed. Instead of the ‘status window’, it was back to normal text.

[Generating new quest…]

[You have received a new quest!]

‘A new quest?’ I wondered what kind of quest would be set for me. I had never been on a quest before, but had set plenty for the citizens and servants. Usually, they were tasks that I had to reward the completer for. The text flickered, then transformed back into the screen format.

___________________________________________

Path Quest

Operation: Survive The Knife (literally)

Your first step forward to becoming a potato god is to… survive.

Survive the next five minutes! 4:59

Rewards: Progression to next stage of Path

Penalty: Worse than death (trust me)

___________________________________________

‘Knife?’ I scoffed. What knife? Who would even want to kill me anyways…? Then I looked up, at the face of a bearded farmer, hungry for his dinner after a long day’s worth of work.

And I screamed.