Chapter 1 - Every Potato God Has Its Beginning

The birds chirped jubilantly in the garden of tranquility, hopping from branch to branch, nibbling at the remaining seeds in their near-empty bird box. Sunlight filtered through the canopy of my cherry blossom tree, tickling my chilly skin on the cool day.

I, Winston June, Baron of Agridia, Keeper of Peace, Defeater of Dragons… yes, I’d slain a dragon before, albeit it was a baby. And an accident. Anyways, back to my monologue.

I, Winston June- my servants called me Master June, by the way. I preferred not to use my first name unless I was on official business.

“Oh, Winston, baby Winston. You really hate your parents that much?” God said, from beyond the realm of Erobeus.

‘Shut up.’ I thought, slightly irritated. As a member of the royal family, I was able to communicate with ‘god’, the ruler of the realm. It was a gift I didn’t particularly like, since he was very annoying, and could read my thoughts. God didn’t physically appear, but I could hear his voice as clear as day in my head.

“Whatever, Winston.”

Thankfully, he only opened a communication channel with me once a year, to check in on how everything was going. Or so he said. I suspected that the only reason he really bothered to talk to me was to make fun of me.

I rolled my eyes and stood up from the wooden bench, sighing, stretching my arms and back. I’d have to call my masseur later tonight. But for now, as I was saying, I was minding my own business in my private garden. Agridia hadn’t been doing well as of late, partly due to the Duke’s ignorance to my demands- ahem, requests for more funding, and the rising rates of monster attacks.

As the fourth son of the duke, I was neglected, reduced to ruling over only a small, poor territory out west. Three years I had been ruling the place. After the late king’s passing, my current grandfather had stepped up to the throne. At eighty three years of age, I seriously doubted at the time that he was the best candidate.

I was proved correct as, ten years on, the economy of the entire kingdom had fallen into ruins- at least compared to the other kingdoms. The common folk weren’t exactly happy about it. Not that I could do anything about it either, though.

The kingdom of Terralica was practically split into three by now. The East, the West, and the Capital. My oldest aunt took control of the three states in the East, while my father ruled over the three in the West. Although the Capital was probably the only place where the king actually had power, my father and aunt still needed his permission to carry out actions that affected the entire kingdom.

Currently, I was the Baron of Agridia, one of those states in the West.

I paced back and forth in my castle’s courtyard, frustrated, wondering if I should request help from the neighbouring kingdoms.

As I reached the end of the path, I stopped, recognising a large man leaning against the wooden door frame of the courtyard entrance, a sinister smirk plastered across his face. He wore a grey vest, embedded with gold plated buttons and a long, flowing cape like he was the king.

He was not. He was, in fact, my uncle. Otherwise known as the last person I wanted to see today.

“Well good afternoon, my beloved nephew! How are you?” He said, stepping off the wooden verandah, the grin remaining.

I frowned and folded my arms. “Skip the formalities. What do you want now? What are you here for? Also, how did you get into my castle?”

He scoffed, rubbing some snot off his nose and wiping it against the wall. I made a mental note to instruct the servants to clean the spot later before it dried and became impossible to wipe off.

“I see you’ve been living well.”

By this, he was referring to my ever-growing mound I called my stomach.

“Yeah?” I shot back. “Well so have you.” His belly wasn’t much smaller than mine. “Now answer the question. What do you want? How. Did. You. Get. Into. My. Castle?”

“You can hardly call this a castle,” He said, waving his arm dismissively. “Anyways, it’s not yours anymore. My brother, your father got annoyed by your constant demanding-”

“Requesting.” I butted in.

“Whatever. Requesting for financial help.” Uncle finished, now fingering my precious collection of homegrown potted potatoes. Well actually, they were grown by my gardener, not me specifically. I didn’t really like potatoes.

I squinted my eyes and clenched my fists. “And what does that mean?”

“That means you’ve got the rest of today to pack your stuff and get out. I’ll be taking over for you from now on.” Now he was checking out the structure of the building and brushing his grimy hands against the trunk of my cherry blossom tree.

I was too furious to talk. I simply stood there, not knowing what to do, what to say. ‘If only I was the first born. No, if only I was the Duke. No, if only I was the king. Why did God screw me over like this?’ I thought angrily.

“Oh yeah, one more thing.” Uncle was speaking again. He groped around inside his pockets for a while and pulled out a shining gold coin. “Here. Father told me to give you this. This is the ‘financial help’ you were so desperate for, right?” He laughed as if that was the funniest thing in the world before tossing it onto the floor in front of me. I could still hear his laughs echoing in my head by the time he left the garden.

“Servants!” I called, starting to feel a little bit anxious.

“You called, Master June?” A young man wearing a brown tunic and trousers rushed out into the courtyard and prostrated himself before my feet.

“Who let that man in?”

I watched the servant bite his lip anxiously and press his head down closer to the ground. “I did, Master June. My sincerest apologies, but everything he just said was true. He has a handwritten letter, stamped by the king himself, sir. ”

Frowning, I kicked the gold coin and watched it slide under the servant. “You were listening?”

A bead of sweat trickled down his forehead. “My apologies, Master June, but he instructed us all to listen. Every servant has stopped work. They were all in the corridor, listening.”

On any other day, I would have had him punished, or even beaten. But today, I was simply too angry. Too angry to know what to do. I shut my eyes and exhaled softly, attempting to calm down, before dismissing him. There was no point.

The sky was a serene shade of blue, and as I gazed at the foliage of my garden’s plants, I wondered what I would miss. My life was over. Well, it might as well have been. All this time, I had barely been living off the practically non-existent luxuries that a lord would receive.

“Serves you right, you greedy man.”

Now, out of all people, God was mocking me too.

‘Greedy? How am I greedy? I have nothing!’ The servants I hadn’t been angry with at all. After all, they were ordered to stay. But this ‘God’… “You know, all this wouldn’t have happened if not for you. If you’d given me a better chance, made me a higher up, I would be living a happy life.”

“Oh, so you blame me now, is that it? You’re such a greedy, fat feller. You wish to be the king. Why not wish to be a god while you’re at it?”

I scoffed. “Well… Why not? You’re right, ‘God’. I’ll be a better god than you. If I was a god, I would actually have the power to take care of the kingdom. I wouldn’t waste my power like you do.”

Surprisingly, the thought made me feel a little happier. I smiled a little as I made my way to the exit of the garden for the last time. I had never liked the place that much. Yes, it was silent and peaceful, but it stunk of commoners.

“Being a God isn’t all fun and games, you know? You’re too greedy to be a god anyways. I hope you fall into a ditch and die.”

Oh? Now he was cursing me? I could do the same. ‘Well, I’ll do you one better. I hope you stub your big toe on a big rock and-’

Crack.

“Ow!” I yelped in pain and cradled my poor foot like a baby. That damn ‘God’… “FUCK YOU GOD!” I called to the sky, shaking the fist that wasn’t holding my foot in fury. He didn’t respond. I expected he was probably in the corner somewhere, giggling away at my misfortune.

‘I’ll show you…’ I thought to myself, reaching down and grabbing the stone.

And then I stopped.

‘Huh. Why’s this so heavy?” I unclasped my hand and looked at my attacker. It was just like any other stone, except shinier, and a smooth black. Actually, I took that back, it wasn’t actually like any other stone. It was out of place in my garden, where the marble stones were all white. Holding it up to the light of the afternoon sun, I was surprised to see strange carvings running throughout the entire object. Just as I was about to toss it away and get back to cursing God, the carvings lit up in a yellow colour and began glowing softly.

“Woah…” I smiled at the sight. Now this was true beauty. Also, I wondered how much it would sell for.

But before I could ponder just exactly what the stone was made of, a line of text materialized before my eyes and a voice filled my ears.

[What is your greatest desire?]

At first, I thought he was trying out some new method of torture or way to make fun of me, but the voice sounded different. It sounded more (or less?)… lifeless.

I considered the question for a few seconds, wondering if this was another kind of troll God had set up for me. But then the reality that my life as I knew it was over hit. After today, I would be nothing but a commoner. A citizen. Disposable. Nobody.

So I answered it. Truthfully. If this marked the last moment of my life as a lord, I wanted it to be epic. Also, there was simply no point in not answering it. “My greatest desire is to be… a god.”

The text immediately snapped off, and the glow of the stone faded away. I immediately felt stupid.

“Well, of course that wouldn’t work. Who was I kidding?” I tossed the stone into one of the plant pots and continued my walk. Sometimes I felt like the only reason my heart lifted was to sink back down again. “Now, ‘God’. I hope you suffocate to death by a-”

[Path Chosen.]

The words were back. But… this didn’t make any sense. I mean, floating texts didn’t normally make any sense in the first place, but this made even less sense than the sense it would normally make. Oh god- not that one, by the way, my head hurt from that tongue-twisting sentence.

“But I’m not holding the magic stone anymore.” I turned, glancing at the place where I’d just tossed it away. “So why is this thing still in front of me? What does ‘path chosen’ mean, anyways?”

[Congratulations! Your wish is being granted!]

[Disclaimer: Your physical appearance, body, memories, life, status, power and magic may all be reset and once they are, it is impossible to get them back. (But you get your wish, so it’s worth it!) (Also, it’s too late to change your mind now!)]

I’d always been a slow reader, so I didn’t get up to the ‘disclaimer’ part before the text faded away. Also, for some reason, the voice in my head sped up when it got to that part too, so fast that I couldn’t understand it. I wasn’t too worried, though. These texts said they were granting my wish, and when I became a god, I wouldn’t need anything else.

“Have a taste of that!” I called out to God, waiting for whatever transformation my body would go through. I was expecting some sort of energy shooting through my body. Maybe everyone would kneel before my feet? Perhaps a ray of holy light would shine down on me? If I was a god, I’d be able to control the entire world, not just Terralica.

What I wasn’t expecting, though, was for a dizzy sensation to fill my head. ‘Oh whatever,’ I remembered myself thinking. ‘I’m finally going to get what I deserve. Oooh, I can’t wait for whatever powers I’ll have as a god! Will I become incredibly handsome? Maybe I’ll get that harem I always wished for...’

[Winston June has been successfully remodified.]

[Winston June has been successfully transferred to the Path to Potato Godhood.]