As we stepped through, I felt the ambient magic in the air thicken, like wading into an unseen swamp. A room, more cavernous than I would have imagined the shop could hold, unfolded before us.

What greeted us was not an armory but a grand exhibition of the arcane. Strange devices and curiosities dotted the room, gleaming under the sporadic flash of magical lights. In the center stood a massive structure that I took for a workbench, but it was more altar than anything—cluttered with an array of arcane objects and, at the heart of it, a gigantic crystal that pulsed with an ethereal glow.

“Well, would you fuckin’ look at that?” I said, smirking. “Monty’s got a secret garden. Virgil, did we just step into a Harry Potter movie set or what?”

“The hell is a Harry Potter?” Monty grumbled, but his attention was on the crystal, his fingers dancing along its surface, sparks flickering at his touch.

I raised an eyebrow.

“You got all this just stowed away in the back? And you’re selling axes upfront?”

Monty laughed, a wild, gleeful sound that bounced around the room.

“Hey, not everyone can handle the big toys. And besides, some of these doohickeys are more trouble than they’re worth. Can you believe I found this place like this? Sure, I had to build a shop on top of it, but all the framework was there. Best day of my life when that happened.”

As he said this, something in the corner of the room started flashing wildly, sending neon lights dancing across the walls. Monty barely looked at it.

“Don’t worry about that. It’s just the fuckin’ magimetric alarm. It goes off whenever it detects a high level of foreign energy. Ain’t used to having three Sojourners in the mix.”

I sighed, shaking my head.

“Goddamn, this is a fucking setup, Monty. I like the whole tech-wizard thing you got going on.”

Monty glanced back at me with a smug grin, leaning back against his workbench.

“Damn straight.”

Suddenly, the sound of rumbling machinery filled the room, followed by a rush of steam from the far wall. A panel slid open, revealing an array of magical gear.

“This here is the Big Boy Corner. Out there is what I picked up off dirtbags and the like. In here is what I make. We’ve got battle robes that can turn invisible, boots that let you walk on walls, fuckin’ underpants that make you invulnerable . . . you name it. I even got an enchanted cock ring that’ll make you piss yourself.”

He shrugged.

“That one’s a work in progress.”

My eyes widened as I took it all in. There was an almost childlike glee that came over me, but it was quickly replaced with a frown.

“And I suppose all this stuff comes at a price.”

Monty just shrugged again.

“Well, no shit. What? You think I just give this stuff away?”

I sighed again, knowing that this wouldn’t be as easy as I’d hoped. But before I could say anything, Virgil spoke up.

“What’s needed’s needed, Monty. You’re abreast o’ the situation we’re in.”

Monty looked over at Virgil, his eyebrows raised in mock surprise.

“Well, hell, Virgil. Who are you and what have you done with the tight-assed old man I know?”

Virgil rolled his eyes.

“We’ll figure out the payment later. For now, let’s focus on getting what we came here for done.”

Monty nodded, moving over to one of the shelves.

“Fine, fine. Just remember, Virgil, my goodwill ain’t free.”

Virgil leaned back against the wall.

“When’s it ever been, Monty?”

I could only stand there, watching as the two of them bickered back and forth. It was clear that despite their differences, there was a deep respect between them.

“Well, alright, then,” Monty said, turning to face me. “Let’s get you suited up, spotty.”

“I’m getting armor?” I asked, shocked.

“Fuck, no!” Monty said, producing a wide-brimmed hat from . . . somewhere, that didn’t look all that dissimilar from Virgil’s. “Listen, I said I’d help with the System—but I gotta see what the damage is before I go dolin’ out my goods for the goddamn world to have. Now put on this stupid little hat and let’s get started.”

“Started? With . . . fuckin’ what?”

“Analysis, junior!” Monty spat. “Just put it on.”

I scowled and took the offered cap, placing it on my head.

“This thing better not sort me into Hufflepuff,” I said.

“Yeah, well, you start huffin’ and puffin’, I’m gonna strap your ass down,” Monty said. “You need to be still, so don’t fuckin’ move. This thing is temperamental. You go wiggling like a fuckin’ worm, and it’s gonna blast your teeth outta your fuckin’ grin.”

I decided that, in the interest of science, I would not move.

After a moment of staring me up and down, Monty walked over to a device on the wall and pressed his hand on it. It lit up and I suddenly felt a warm sensation move through my body.

“It tickles,” I said.

“Oh, by the way, Virgil,” Monty said. “Your pals contacted me. They’re gonna hop a portal as soon as they can and swing this way.”

I froze. Pals?

Virgil gave me a look, then turned back to Monty.

“We can jaw about that later,” he said, pointing a thumb at me. “This ’un here’s invested in them near as much as me.”

Does he mean—

“Jes and Frida?!” I shouted, and then felt a sharp, burning stab as the warm sensation turned aggressive.

“Gah!” I roared.

“I told your ass, didn’t I? Now look at you,” Monty said. “Probably melted your damn spleen or something. Don’t move again. If I’d known that you knew ’em, I wouldn’t have said anything until you weren’t six inches from sundown. Just another few seconds, so hold still.”

After a grueling, agonizing twelve seconds, the pain suddenly receded, and I yanked the hat off my head.

“Jes and Frida are coming?!”

“Easy, there,” Monty said. “You heard right, but you keep yelling like that, and I’m not gonna hear right for the rest of my days. False goblin ears are sens-i-tive, my young Padawan.”

That stopped me in my tracks again.

“Wait . . . you’re a false goblin?”

“Damn, your hearing’s gone too, spotty,” Monty said. “Yeah, I’m a false goblin; why?”

My mind wandered to my pack, where I had a whole mess of his people’s ears just rotting away.

“No reason,” I said.

“Alright, let’s have a look at this,” Monty said, and put the hat on his own head, his eyes drifting distantly in the way people’s did when they looked at something in their menu.

“Hoo-ee,” Monty exclaimed after a moment, causing me to jump.

“What?” I wondered.

“You have fucked up big time, dincha?” He pulled the hat off of his head with a grin. “Damn, son, I ain’t never seen something like this. How the fuck did you piss off the System so bad?”

“Just part of my natural charm,” I stated. “Look, can you fix it or not?”

“Fuck, no, I can’t fix it!” Monty said. “Who do you think I am?”

“I don’t know who you are, Monty—I was assuming some guy who did more than make people try on an array of dumb headwear.”

“Pshaw,” Monty said, waving me away.

“Did you just say the word pshaw?”

“Damn right,” he said. “I’ll say it again, too. Pshaw!”

“Alright,” I said. “Why the fuck are we here? This is starting to piss me off. If you can’t help me, then—”

“Open up them ears, numbnuts,” Monty said, grinning. “I didn’t say I couldn’t help. Jesus, I said I couldn’t fix it. I can bypass just about anything.”

“Oh,” I said. “Well . . . alright. You can bypass this?”

“You’re talkin’ to the greatest item crafter of all time, junior,” Monty boasted proudly. “I can make whatever I want.”

I snorted.

“Yeah, well, you might need to check with Bahlgus about that,” I said. “Because everyone seems to think he’s the motherfuckin’ best. I’ve never even heard of Monty.”

“Loon, who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?” Monty asked, then he turned to Virgil. “Virgil, you didn’t tell this fool who I was?”

“Wait, what?” I asked.

Monty turned back to me, shaking his head.

“Damn, you were in here, thinkin’ I was just some regular old slouch, huh? Well, then, I wondered why you weren’t falling all over yourself to kiss my toes and whatnot.”

“What are you talking about?” I demanded.

“Well,” Monty said. “It’s just like you said. Bahlgus is the best—because I am Bahlgus.”

“Fucking . . . what?” I muttered. I couldn’t handle this level of surprise so late in the day, apparently. “But you’re . . . Monty? Is that a fake name?”

“Listen to him,” Monty said to Virgil and jerking a thumb at me. “All moon-eyed like a baby fuckin’ duckling—”

He turned back to me.

“No, it ain’t a fake name. My name is Bahlgus Monticello—but people ’round here call me Monty. Why did you think Romulus and his dickheads wanted back in my good graces so bad? Wasn’t because I’m so fucking pretty. It’s ’cuz I’m the motherfucking shit.”

I frowned. This was not what I expected. I put a hand to the gorget around my throat.

“Why didn’t you say anything then when you saw me walking in with this, then?”

“The fuck you talking about?”

“You made this,” I said.

“Shit, brother, I don’t remember all the fuckin’ nonsense I make. I was probably high as fuck on dwarf weed when I made that. Lemme see . . .”

He got a little closer and examined it.

“A fuckin’ tail pops outta that thing? Yeah, I was definitely high.”

He laughed.

“This thing only takes you five hundred feet per charge? Loon, this is a piece of shit. I got a garbage you can throw that in, ’cuz it’s fuckin’ trash.”

I was reeling. I’d been in the presence of someone who was likely the most famous person in the world, and I’d just been . . . I dunno, hanging out? I guess that actually was better than acting like an idiot or getting nervous or something. I don’t know that my reaction would have been different had I known, but, hell, it was definitely something to consider.

“Alright, let’s get back on track,” I said.

“Gladly,” Bahlgus Monticello said, still chuckling.

“First,” I started, “Jes and Frida are coming here?”

“That’s what they were saying,” Monty said with a shrug. “I dunno; never met ’em. They could be liars, I guess. Said they’d get here as fast as their little tootsies could get them to a Gateway, so I’d imagine they’d be showing up shortly. Their message came through a few hours ago, and they weren’t far from . . . Ah, fuck, I don’t remember. But it was definitely a place with a portal.”

I breathed heavily. Jes and Frida were coming here. To Machus City. This was probably not the best news. I didn’t know if the prophecy or whatever was going to count them as having come along with me, but . . . well, there wasn’t much I could do now, was there?

“Second,” I said, “what did you learn about the System and me? I know we’re not the best of buds lately—and in fact, I’m pretty sure it’s been trying to kill me. But . . . what exactly is happening?”

“That is not as clear,” Monty said, wandering over to pick up some object beyond my comprehension. “Looking at the thing, you’d think you pissed on its breakfast or something. It’s hard to explain how I look at it to a layman like yourself . . . but basically, if there was a target on someone’s back, it would be yours.”

“But you can bypass it?”

“Of course I can,” Monty said. “The System is bound by the same rules that we are. It can take some . . . professional liberties, but it’s all pretty much the same. If it can get all up in your business, you can do it right back if you know how. Now, like I said—ain’t nothing to fix. It’s not broken. But it can be massaged. Worked with. I can make something to block some of the weirder effects, but I’m going to have to see exactly what’s going on with it to do that.”

“What does that mean?” I asked. “I gotta like, get in touch with it somehow?”

“Sure,” Monty said dismissively. “But the best way to do that is to go out in the field and try to get it to fuck around with you a little bit. While you’re wearing this.”

He produced another object from thin air—an earring—and I scowled at it. From what Edwig had told me about Bahlgus, he could make whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. So, he was messing with me?

“An earring?” I exclaimed. “What the hell, man? You couldn’t have made anything cooler?”

“I could have, but this is the easiest way to get what we need. It’s gotta be close enough to your eyes so that I can see what you see. I could make you a monocle or a fuckin’ gimp mask or something, if that would be better?”

“You couldn’t, I dunno, fuckin’ make me a pair of glasses or something?”

“Yeah, if you wanna look like a damn dork,” Monty spat. “Look at you, spotty. You’re a fucking bigass orc; you think you’re gonna look cool, walking around all speccy? Just put the damn earring on and we’ll see what we see.”

I grumbled, taking the earring and—with no lack of wincing—punctured the lobe of my ear and left it dangling. It felt foolish.

“Alright, what do you see?”

Monty laughed, and I felt like he was making fun of me.

“You think I just invite the System into my place of business? Pshaw, spotty. I ain’t stupid. You’re gonna have to go out there and taunt it or something. It won’t work inside these hallowed halls.”

“Great,” I said. “Putting myself at risk for your amusement.”

“Hey, I don’t have to do shit, junior. You asked for help, and if you weren’t a friend of Virgil’s, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation. I’d just leave your ass out in the cold. Now . . .”

He laced his fingers together and leaned back.

“Maybe we can add some additional context to this. Why don’t you tell Papa Monty about what’s been going on. How’d you meet this mean old cowboy, anyhow?”

He gestured to Virgil.

“We don’t have time for thi—” Virgil started, but of course, he was interrupted by the false goblin.

“Hell, yeah, we do. Spill it, Loon. Air that dirty laundry. Your little piercing’s gotta calibrate anyway, so you might as well start from the top. You guys want anything to drink?”

I nodded.

“Alright,” Monty said, and snapped his fingers. Instantly, a flute appeared in his hands and he brought it to his lips. Then he piped a few notes, and I watched as a moment later, three tankards came floating into view. They came to rest on a nearby table, and the little creature gestured to it, smirking.

“Bottoms up, fellas!”

I sighed. Then I grabbed the handle of the mug, took a sip, and started to tell Monty all about what had happened since I’d arrived.