'Is this a nightmare?' For a brief moment, I believed my mind was playing a trick on me. It felt like a dream when I opened my eyes and saw Bianca sleeping right next to me, her legs slightly on top of mine and her right arm lying on my stomach. Her skin was soft and warm, with a vanilla scent. All I wanted was to pause time and picture every element of her face, such as her long eyelashes, sharp nose, strong cheek bones, and powerful red lips. I'd like to remember how she held me so tightly, as if scared I'd run away, but also with closeness.

Last night, intimacy reached new heights. My love for her guided me throughout her body, despite my insecurity, and my hands knew precisely what to do. Bianca was also very patient with me, coaching me on how to please her, and our synchronization set the tone for my first sex with a woman like a perfect melody. Happiness could not convey how the first woman I slept with was my first love... And she reciprocates my feelings. I mean, I suppose she does. Doesn't she?

'This is not the time for insecurity, Olivia. But what if she merely summoned me here for casual sex? That doesn't make sense, especially considering what she stated yesterday. I failed to ask if she had broken up with her fiancé. I mean, the way she opened that door and kissed me didn't allow me time to ponder.'

While my imagination ran through every potential possibility for what would happen as soon as Bianca opened her eyes, my heart kept pounding just by being next to her. Maybe my excitement and anxiousness woke her up, since Bianca's smile appeared on my horizon not long after my brain began ruminating every aspect from the previous night.

"Good morning, Dear." It was there, her lips gently brushing mine. Bianca could rest her cheek on my neck since her hand drew me closer to her.

I followed her openness to skin touch and held her while kissing her on the forehead, taking another chance to smell her coconut hair. I lost track of how long we were entwined, feeling our skins, touching each other's bodies, biting our lips to see who had more desire. The temperature in the room was rising, and it was difficult not to think about Bianca's moans from the night before, or how she arched her back during her climax. The way she called my name while my fingertips touched her warmth will live on in my ears forever.

"Olivia!" She muttered as my teeth dug into her neck. "Believe me, I hate saying it, but we both need to go to college." I didn't pay attention to what she said, instead focusing on how beautiful her skin was. She drew me away, laughing, and I could see passion mounting in her amber eyes. "Come on, Olivia, I don't think I'll be able to stop you again. So, how about we go have breakfast together?"

"Really?" I tried to hug her again, but she stopped me with the cutest sound of all: her laugh.

Bianca was the most relaxed I'd ever seen her. Her tan complexion was gleaming, and I could even hear her Spanish accent, which was endearing. I sometimes forget she isn't American, which only reminded me that I was in love not only with my professor, but also with an older, foreign, wealthy woman. 'Oh God! She's simply too good for me. What on earth am I thinking? A 24-year-old small-town girl falls in love with a successful 35-year-old pianist.' It was easy for me to fear when I focused on our differences; after all, who wouldn't?

"Are you not getting up?" She asked this while slapping a pillow across my face.

"I am. I am. Give me 5 minutes."

"I had no idea you were so sluggish. Come on, I have an audition to prepare for, and you need to practice as well."

Bianca's eyes were pleading for authority, and all I wanted was to stop time and keep her at my side. However, this was not the case today. I sat on the mattress, my mind racing with a million questions.

"Bianca. What should we do now? What did last night mean to you?"

She froze and clutched the doorframe. I didn't need to see her face to know how much she wanted to dodge that question. Her body tightened; her fingers clenched on the wood. At the time, I regretted asking that question, but deep down, I knew I couldn't go about my day without confronting the white elephant in our relationship.

"Bianca, did you speak with Gabriela?" She was frozen and mute once more. My voice trembled with agony, fury, and most likely sorrow. My clothing was all over her bedroom floor, and I began dressing without hesitation, muttering how stupid I was to trust her again. Bianca turned to me as I was flinging her bedding on the floor and aggressively dressing into my tight jeans. Her lips were locked, and she took deep breaths here and there. I was about to go when she just stared at me.

"Seriously? You are not going to say anything?"

I arrived seeking a response, not half-truths or 'I'll explain later' excuses. Bianca realized she couldn't ignore me any longer as my eyes locked on her. One half of me was prepared to face whatever words she would say, as if I had developed a tough skin from all the prior times she had crushed my heart; while the other half wanted to get back into her blankets and forget everything that had transpired since I opened my eyes this morning.

"Are you going to hurt me again?" I wish I could sound stronger, maybe even more mature, but that was not the case. I was feeling like a kid that lost their parents in a shopping mall, as if everything I knew just disappeared. My soft, wavering voice shook something in her that made Bianca run to me, crossing her arms around my body.

"No. I am sorry. Me odio! Soy tan estupida. Oliva, perdoname!"

I had no idea of what she was saying, or why suddenly she decided to speak Spanish. What I knew was that I couldn't let my heart dictate the direction of that conversation.

"I don't want your excuses, only the truth."

"I know. Let me explain, alright?"

"I am listening."

"Not like this, let's go downstairs, get some coffee, maybe eat something? How about croissants?"

"No. I am not living this room. We are talking now, Bianca. Not later, now. So, start talking." I sat on the edge of her mattress while she started walking up and down her room, trying to recollect herself. I wonder how bad it was, seeing her so distressed was just making me more and more nervous.

"I did talk to Gabriela. I did, you believe me, right?"

"Continue. What exactly did you tell her?"

"That I want to break up, that our engagement didn't make sense to me anymore. I told her I found someone that is really important to me."

I was important for her, that phrase struck my heart like a cold wind, refreshing all my burning.

"What did she say? How did she react?"

"That's the issue, Olivia. You don't know anything about me, my life, or my relationship with Gabriela. It's simple for you to insist that I choose, but you don't understand." She was going about her room again, her hands shaking and her pupils dialted.

"Bianca, relax. Sit next to me and explain. I agree to listen to everything without passing judgment. But I can't do anything if I don't know what's going on."

Her hesitancy was obvious when she stepped out of the room to grab some water. What could be so difficult to put her in such a trance? I wanted to run to her, wrap my arms around her, and kiss her lips till she felt safe again, but I couldn't. Something inside me told me it was time to unveil all the secrets, and love cannot stand in the way of the truth. So, I waited patiently for her to return, which she did after a few agonizing minutes. I was looking at her, observing her behavior, searching for any hints that could help me solve that dilemma.

"My mother was an austere woman, sometimes nice, but generally stern. My father was rarely around, usually traveling or interested in his business. Even from afar, he always ensured that I received adequate training. I never had the opportunity to make friends as a child, how could I? Any spare time would be spent practicing the piano. 'Friends come and go, but success... success stays with you forever,' my mother told me every day. Music has not only been my universe, but also my companion. I ate while listening to music, I played while studying scores, and I slept dreaming of melodies. Some would describe me as a genius, while others would describe me as an outcast, strange. I've learned to love my own company, to not rely on others, and to be self-sufficient."

Bianca's gaze moved away from my hands and settled lightly on my face, looking for a safe haven to lean on. I handed her what she was looking for while holding her hands firmly, to which she returned with a sorrowful smile.

"I became Bianca Molina, one of the most recognized Spanish pianists. I travel the world performing my favorite compositions and meeting other musicians. I believed that was all I needed to be happy, but I was mistaken. My parents never let me go; no matter where we were, they found a way to control me, my time, and my interactions. Soon after, I began to feel suffocated, imprisoned, like my hands and feet were shackled. When I started developing attraction to girls, everything got worse. I used to think I wanted to be like them, gorgeous, pleasant... But then that changed, and I saw myself dreaming about kissing or going on dates with them. That longing quickly turned to agony, and ultimately to fear."

I could tell Bianca was struggling to face her history. She appeared to be fighting a ghost that had haunted her for years, and as much as I want to protect her, it was now time to just listen.

"It didn't take long for my parents to uncover what they called 'inclinations'. They sent me to a boarding school in Germany, which was traumatic for me. I was only permitted to play the piano and attend classes. I left them behind after graduating from high school and gaining my independence, never to return."

"Never return? What exactly do you mean? You don't talk with your parents?"

"Not since I was 21 years old. They couldn't accept me for who I was other than a musician. They don't seem to like me, merely my talent. I lost all of their financial and emotional support, and I was left alone, unable to make new friends. Furthermore, I received a scholarship to study piano, and when I discovered that my past was being repeated, all I did was train. Until. . ." She gave me another look.

"Until? It's ok, Bianca, I am listening".

"That is, until I met Gabriela. She was my first kiss, my first friend, and my first lover. It was almost as if I could see the world through new eyes. We were always together; she knows everything about me, and I know everything about her. She was there for me even when I was at my lowest. I thought I was in love, and she thought the same thing. But, after four years together, Gabriella informed me that she needed to change our relationship, opening it. I accepted because I was afraid of being alone. We began to drift away, but we remain in each other's lives for better or worse. We've dated a lot of different individuals, but I never met anyone that piqued my interest... That all changed when I met you."

"My mother always advised me to be cautious when it came to love. Perhaps because she was in love with my father, who vanished as soon as I was born. I never truly knew him, and she suffered a broken heart. I was never ready to be vulnerable like my mother, and I was never very attracted to any of my partners. Everything changed when I moved to New York. I was forced to discover more about myself and what I actually want, and then you appeared, turning my world upside down."

Bianca's tears ran down her cheeks, our hands interlocked, a sound of shy laughter between us.

"I recognize Gabriela's significance in your life. And how did she handle the breakup?"

She glanced at my eyes again, crying as if her heart was breaking.

"I'm very sorry, Olivia." She was sobbing now, her hands covering her face. I glanced at her, perplexed, waiting for an answer that made sense to me.

"I can't end our relationship. She was always there for me when I needed her, and for many years, she was all I had. But she requested me to remain with her a bit longer last night, and I couldn't say no. She lost her brother last year, and they were quite close."

"I am not denying that you can be true friends. But why should you continue to be her fiancé? Are you still in love?"

Bianca jumped out of bed. Scratching her hair, fighting for words.

"In some ways, we are. I mean, not any longer... " She stopped for a long time before continuing. "We get used to finding comfort in each other's company, which occasionally involves sex. It's a condition of our deal. We can see other individuals, but when one of us needs the other, that person becomes our focus. She would always drop everything to come to me, and I would do the same. That's how our connection works, and everyone who comes into our lives must accept that."

I was absolutely envious of Gabriela, whether I wanted to admit it or not. Maybe because Bianca was choosing her above me, from what I could tell; or because she had Bianca under her spell, and I wasn't sure if there was room for me in their pact. I love Bianca, but I wasn't sure if an open relationship was the best way for me to be happy. Knowing she could be sleeping with Gabriela on the evenings we're not together would break my heart.

The fact that she was honest with me did not automatically make things better. Similarly, I saw honesty in her 'I love you' words. They used to be everything I wanted to hear, but suddenly they weren't. I tried to give her a bright smile for being truthful, although all I wanted to do was erase her last words. Bianca's eyes understood I couldn't offer her what she wanted: unconditional love.

"Gabriela is most likely an outstanding woman to be able to provide you with everything you desired: a friend, a companion, not simply a lover... " I took a big breath after gathering all of my last rational attempts. "She could be okay with my presence in your life, but I have to be honest, Bianca. I'll go insane thinking you two are together, kissing, and having sex while I'm not there. Being around you both in this manner will be extremely poisonous for me, even while being apart seems far more painful...

"Olivia, please, don't do that. Just give me some time... I..."

"How much time? A month? A year? A decade? You don't even know if one day you will be able to grow apart from her. What if she always needs you? Hum? Where will I be in all this?"

Bianca was speechless, knowing I was right.

"To be honest, I understand, Bianca. Wasn't it too late when I came into your life?" Now it was my tears that were falling.

"Listen to me, Olivia. We can spend time together. Gabriela is fine with it... We just need to keep it quiet for a little while, which is ideal because I can't publicly date my student. Okay? We can make it work. Do not behave like this... Come here... "

Her hands reached for my shoulder, but I couldn't bear it.

"She might be fine, but I'm not. Do you not care about how I feel? What I want? If being her fiancé is what you require, I will accept that, but please don't ask me to be the 'other'. I want to be your girlfriend, not your secret lover, Bianca. I simply cannot."

"Perhaps you don't love me enough. I'd do it for you." Bianca's cheeks were flushed, as if she had been drinking. Her comments hit me like a blow in the stomach, almost making me vomit.

"Are you fucking serious, Bianca? You say that to me after everything we've been through? Why is this so? Because I am honest with myself and understand my own limitations? Allow me to be clear, I love you so much that I can't bear the thought of you fucking Gabriela. God! Loving you is a mixture of optimism and agony. I want to date you, introduce you to my small-town and parents, live together, get a dog named Beethoven, and argue about who left the wet towel on the chair. I dream of a life with you, not just moments."

Isn't life a funny game? Who would have thought that one day I'd be pleading with a woman who loves me to say yes to us? Growing up in Arizona, all I could think about was how happy I'd be playing piano, learning about music, living in a big city... Never, not even for a second, did I contemplate falling in love. It wasn't in my plans, but it was now in my soul, taking the place of all my other dreams without asking my permission.

"I'm exhausted, Bianca. Is love supposed to be so difficult? You care about me, yet you can't pick me. How am I supposed to make sense of that?"

Perhaps it was never Bianca's intention to find love outside of Gabriela. Their arrangement had served them well, and they saw it as a life sentence. Can humans get used to being alone? 'No man is an island,' a poet once remarked, but now I feel like she's in a glass case, her own little territory, where I can see her but never touch her.

"Are you deaf? Olivia, I've chosen you." She snarled at me, grabbing my hips and kissing me as if she let go, I'd vanish forever. Bianca tasted like vanilla mixed with sadness, her warm tongue licking every corner of my lips and tongue. I'm curious if she tasted the salty flavor of my tears at that time. Even though I wanted to stay in her mouth forever, I needed air, and with that, the illusion ended and all of reality hit us once more.

"How do you choose me when all I hear is that you're marrying Gabriela?"

"I'm not going to marry her." Her delicious breath was so close that I could smell it. "Olivia, open relations are what people are doing right now, and there's nothing wrong with that. Why can't you just consider it, for us? For me? I'm going to be your girlfriend."

"You will be my girlfriend as well as her fiancé. I have no idea how other people spend their life, but I do know that we should only do what makes us happy. I can't do that, Bianca; don't you realize it'll kill me? It will be toxic to me, and I simply cannot go through all of that... I simply cannot."

A sigh of conformism pervaded the room. Our hands were no longer locked together. Clothes, shoes, doors, and exits were now in my focus. Bianca apologized and said she was sorry, but the truth was that she couldn't pick me over Gabriela. I also apologized for not being able to stay on her terms. I hugged her for a goodbye and left her house, not as sad as I thought I would be. This time, there was a sensation of completion in the air, much as when we read a book and reach the point where the words 'The End' are stamped on a white page. It's unfortunate that life does not always take the expected twists, and it's even more unfortunate that it takes us down unexpected routes.

...

Nothing changed in the weeks since our last private meeting. Our paths met occasionally, but we merely exchanged courteous smiles as professor and student. Sandy and Mia attempted to get me to curse her or be furious with Bianca, but I couldn't. Most people might be perplexed by her reasoning, but I saw her truth written on her eyes, and it made sense to me. For some reason, I appreciate that. Mia could see I was different, more introspective, but also grounded. Sandy's artistic soul recognized my predicament, limiting herself to cooking fantastic dinners and taking us around New York City to bars and karaoke parties.

On some days, all I did was practice for the audition, while on others, I let myself laugh and flirt with random girls at the bar.

...