Goblins are not fast. However, we are small. Wearing human clothes. And it is dark. So…

“RUN!” I scream in common as we burst from the brush into the cool night air and the danger of human swords.

“What the FUCK!” one of the humans screams!

“What is that!” another one bellows!

It is the shock, the awe, the wonder that we need because they don’t immediately follow us. And that’s a good thing because we don’t know where we’re going!

I only have to check for Spoon and Dagger running next to me, pumping their arms and legs as fast as our size will allow, to know that we’re doomed! We are running further into the clearing where human guards mill about, no doubt waiting to murder goblins that cross their path! This is bad. We were going to die!

It is Spoon who saves us because I’m pretty sure I am crying at this point—

“THE GATE!” Spoon cries, pointing at the second gate, smaller and less imposing than the first but still a gate!

But unlike the first gate, this one isn’t solid iron and wood mass but has giant metal bars. Too big for a human to pass through, but a goblin… No, it’s too small!

“We can’t fit!” I shout to Spoon, but there are no other options, no other way. How could we-

“YES WE CAN!” Dagger shouts with absolute conviction! He sprints forward, grabbing me and Spoon’s hands before speeding us toward the gate!

And as we sprint at double the speed any Goblin has any right to MOVE, I gain some hope that we can make it, but then I hear a voice in front of us—

“Hey Captn’, how did kids end up here after dirk?”

And then my blood runs cold—

“Fuck if I know,” says the guard we run past, “urchins stay out loitering after decent hours. Probably thieves.”

Dagger pushes himself to move even faster—

Another human speaks up, “Want me to catch em’ Capt?”

Dagger’s legs are pumping up and down at an insane rate. He’s practically dragging Spoon and me in a cloud of dust-

“Of course, idiots! Give ‘em a good skulding!”

And then the heavy thud of boots come after us, and the only thing we can do is scream before we nearly smack into the bars in a dusty skid!

“GO, GO, GO!” Dagger screams, urging us up as we try to gain our bearings. The sudden stop scrambles my brain, and Spoon is on the ground on her neck with her feet in the air.

And the humans are soon right behind us.

“HEY, GITS WAIT RIGHT THERE!”

But of course, we don’t do that. I help Dagger grab Spoon roughly and desperately and push her through the bars. She smacks her head multiple times, but it’s not hard enough to generate a system message as we push/squeeze her through. It takes an ETERNITY, but as she comes to, she falls through the bars. Only to be met by a voice on the other end that shouts, “Hey,” in alarm.

She screams. And runs. The world beyond the barred entrance is a slope, and Spoon runs down it, flailing her arms in panic as the human guards that waited on the other side try to grab her.

We have to go. Dagger and I try to squeeze through the bars, and we immediately get stuck. STUCK! Fuck fuck fuck fuck, the clunk clunk of armor was getting closer, and Spoons shrieks of terror are getting further away, and everything is happening too fast!

Please, Yeezus, let us escape!

But direct calls to his Gobliness won’t help us. No, a mischievous goblin helps himself!

“THE UNDEAD ARE AT THE GATE!” I scream.

The guards, two men, stop and look at each other. In the dark, I must look like a small child, and speaking Common in my best impression of a squeaky voice has to help.

Ok, not really.

They step forward, one big human with a mustache brown and fuzzy underneath his helmet and a shorter human who looks rather stabby. I’m more scared of the shifty one with his small squint eyes and relaxed smile. So I get more desperate—

“PLEASE, THE DEAD, THE DEAD ARE COMING!”

They laugh as they get closer, close enough to see our green skin and goblin appearance through our human disguises!

“HUMANZ, PLEASE DER ZOMBOIS ARE COMING!” Dagger shouts, his common terrible but sounding desperate and whiny.

But the guards don’t take care! They laugh even louder, and now Dagger and I are both left pointing and shouting at the front gate, repeating the same words repeatedly in desperate pleas for the guards to care about anything else but us! But the two humans only stand and heckle at our show!

“UNDEAD!” I beg!

“ZOMBOIS HUMANZ ZOMBOIS!” Dagger adds!

“Enough of that, you two,” the shifty one speaks as he steps forward, but then a horn is blasted, loud and piercing. Both humans stop and turn slowly toward the source of the blast.

The front gate.

Then followed by another sound, just as loud but also boisterous!

“Undead at the Gate! Man your stations and wake up every fucker in the barracks!”

Two humans look at us, then back at the front gate, and swear before running off. Then more humans come pouring through; some armed, some putting on clothes as they run in or out of everywhere all at once. The entire courtyard is suddenly alive with humans moving to and fro, and my mind is dazzled with seeing so many humans so close at once!

In the middle of our fascination, Spoon pats my shoulder, very much out of breath yet smiling.

“So you need any help?”

Thank you, Yeezus!