Dear Papa,

It's been a while. I've missed you. There's not a day that goes by that I don't miss you.

I know that I'm not the only one who feels that way because Mama often touches the wedding ring on her finger, Ate Aika stops doing what she's doing because she suddenly remembers you, and Jillian unconsciously touches her necklace to assure herself that it's still there.

We miss you, Papa.

Sometimes, I'd look back on the days we had and I can't help but be sad. I know, I know, you've always told us not to spend our time crying or thinking about such things. But I remember you even in the littlest of things. That's why I try as much as I can to write to you. I hope you're not mad because it's taken me quite a long time since the last time I did.

You don't have to worry about us here though. Mama's doing well. Ate's doing great at work too. Jill and I try our best in school. For you and for Mama.

Continue lighting our path and being our guardian angel, okay? Labs na labs, Papa.

Forever your favorite,

Tricia

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Dear Papa,

Campaigning feels different when you're not around. That's because I'm used to going with you, Mama, and Ate to campaign. We were still so young then.

Now it's so different because Mama's running for an important position. It suits Mama well. She's compassionate and warm and people can't help but adore her. Of course there are people who don't like her but we can't avoid that.

I bring along my reviewers and notes with me so I can still be there to express my support. It wasn't very hard to review because Tita Risa's around to help me.

She's really nice and she looks out for us. I see her asking my siblings if they need help with anything. She holds Jillian's hands when she's nervous before singing onstage and she quizzes me. She's from Ateneo too, like Ate and I. We often tease Mama and Tito Kiko about UP losing to Ateneo in the UAAP.

Her kids are really nice like she is and we hang out with them most of the time because Tita Risa brings them along. It's nice and comforting to be surrounded by people like them.

Until my next letter, Papa. Labs na labs.

Forever your favorite,

Tricia

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Dear Papa,

We won! Mama's the new VP elect and I can't help but feel so proud of her. I know that you're proud of her too.

While I was looking at Mama kanina, I saw how happy she was for winning. She'll finally be able to help more people like she's always wanted. It's nice seeing a lot of people cheer for her. We've come a long way from our simple life in Naga.

It feels weird knowing that the next 6 years of our lives will be different. Mama and Jill will start living here in QC with Ate and I. We'll get to see them more often. I know that the next few years hold no certainty that things will be okay and go smoothly. There will be a lot of bumps on the road for all of us but most especially for Mama. So be her strength like always, Papa.

I miss you. Labs na labs.

Forever your favorite,

Tricia

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Dear Papa,

For you and Mama, it's always been serving the public and living a simple life. Clean track records and ambition to lead and to serve people through honest means.

Between your passing and during Mama's term as VP, she (including us but mostly her) had been ridiculed, mocked, bashed, even threatened and harassed. I know Mama's always been calm and resilient but I feel so angry. She doesn't deserve to be treated that way. No one does.

I wish I can be like both of you when it comes to these things. Mama reminds me often to choose my battles wisely. Take criticism but don't mind the bashing. If you were here, I'm sure that's what you would say.

She's running for president, Papa.

After 6 years of undying hate and attacks, she's still running. We told her we didn't want her to run anymore after all that happened but she told us, "Paano na 'yung nasimulan ni Papa?" Sabi niya if you were here, you would've wanted to run in spite of the struggles that may come with it. We told her that maybe it was finally time to retire from politics but she shook her head and reminded us of your vision for the country.

That's why with this letter comes my promise to stand behind Mama, the same way that we know you would. We know you would ask us to be there for Mama, like you always did before, so we will.

Give Mama a hug that will give her strength to fight, Papa. Don't forget to give me one too! Labs na labs palagi.

Forever your favorite,

Tricia

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Dear Papa,

The 90 days of campaigning starts today. The fight of our lives starts today.

Going back home to Naga always meant going back home to you. Did you see the crowd that welcomed Mama today? They love her the same way that they loved you. Looking at them, hearing and seeing them cheer Mama's name made me emotional. It made my heart swell with pride. Hindi kami mag-isa.

I thought all this time since Mama announced her candidacy that we would be playing a losing game. Or that it's a risk not worth taking because our competitors had a 6-year head start while Mama was going around doing her best to help people amid the limited mandate her office had. We thought we were fighting the big fight alone.

Turns out, we aren't. And it's only just the beginning.

Now more than ever, I ask you to be our strength and our driving force. Help us win this, Papa. Labs na labs kita.

Forever your favorite,

Tricia

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Dear Papa,

I've never seen a campaign like ours before. There are volunteers all over the country from different ages and from different backgrounds.

We began the house-to-house campaign together with a few volunteers and we introduced Mama to people and convinced them to vote for her. It's tiring but it's fulfilling. Is this how you feel whenever you get to help and be with the people? Like your heart's about to burst from so much happiness and hope. I think this is what Mama feels all the time. That's why she never runs out of reasons to fight.

People say we're Mama's secret weapons. Little do they know you'll always be the secret weapon. Labs na labs at palagi kitang namimiss, Papa.

Forever your favorite,

Tricia

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Dear Papa,

As the elections draw closer and closer, our anxiety increases too.

Mama's calm as ever; not that there's anything new about that. She's always been self-assured. I love that about her. I'm sure you love that about her too, Papa. She reminded us to set aside our anxieties and cast our doubts away because we had a fight to win.

A lot of fake news has been circulating about all of us now. Of course, we don't let this deter us and we'll be taking legal action, but we know Mama's not going to just let this pass. During tonight's rally, I saw her talking to Tita Risa. Her face showed exasperation and sadness.

Mama was never one to often talk about how she was feeling. But I saw how she confided in Tita Ris. I think I have you to thank for having them meet because I see that Mama likes having her around. Tita reached out to her and held her hand while she talked. I remember her doing that to me when I was worried about an exam.

Seeing Mama stand back up, her resolution becoming much stronger and her breathing steadier, I felt immensely grateful to Tita. I thanked her after the rally and she reminded me not to feel nervous or scared because we have people who will support and defend us. Hearing her say those comforting words, it's no wonder that Mama confides in her.

I'm glad that Mama has a kind person like Tita Risa to lean on and talk to when things get a little too tough for her.

Please comfort and hug Mama for us. Let her feel your love and tell her we'll be fine. Labs na labs kita, Papa.

Forever your favorite,

Tricia

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Dear Papa,

For the second time in this life, I'm writing a letter to you to say that we won!

I'm so proud of Mama, maybe even prouder than I was before. I'm sure you're beaming proudly up there too. We did it, Papa. Thank you for helping us win and for being our strength.

Naipanalo natin 'to.

Hope and love are Mama's two messages in this campaign. Both of which I know are inspired by you. I'm excited to know what the future holds for all of us. Labs na labs, Papa.

Forever your favorite,

Tricia

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Dear Papa,

Is it wrong of me to wish that Mama doesn't find anyone else to love?

I know a lot of people would prefer finding a second chance at love if the same thing that happened to Mama happened to them. But would it be selfish of me to ask that Mama would never want to find hers? It's not that I don't want her to be happy. It's just that I don't want her to replace you in our lives.

I don't see Mama with anyone else but you.

I can see the way Mama looks at Tita Risa. She tries so hard to be subtle about it, but anyone who knows Mama can easily tell. I saw Mama touch the pendant of her necklace and look up to you that night at the afterparty. Did she ask for your permission if she could fall in love again? What did you say?

It feels heavy thinking about it. Tita Risa has been instrumental in our lives. Malaki ang pasasalamat namin sa kanya. But I don't know how to feel if something's going on between them. Is there? Papa, I have so many questions and so many emotions all at once.

Dapat ba akong magalit? Malungkot? I don't know. Please help me through this, Papa. Labs na labs.

Forever your favorite,

Tricia

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"May tanong ako sa inyo. Si Mama and Tita Ris, I can't be the only one who noticed, right?" I asked Ate Aika as I sat down beside her and Jillian. The three of us were in the living room. Mama was currently out of town.

"Never considered it as a possibility pero oo. Pansin ko rin." Ate Aika nodded.

"Same. Hindi ko rin inasahan na Mama was into girls." Jillian replied, fiddling with her fingers.

"Are you okay with it?" I asked hesitantly.

Before all this, adamant kami about Mama not dating anyone else. Maraming nag-attempt na manligaw, especially the ones close to her, but even Mama didn't want to date them kaya assured kami. Only until now, when Mama's the one who looks so helplessly in love.

"Sa totoo lang? Hindi ko rin alam. But I guess it was bound to happen at some point." Ate Aika replied.

Lahat naman kami mukhang hindi alam paano magrereact kasi mga nakatulala at nakatungo lang kami. Ni hindi pa nga naman alam to what extent their relationship is already but we're already thinking about the possibilities.

"I think Papa's okay with it." I said softly. My siblings turned their attention to me.

"I dreamt about him. Nagsulat kasi ako ng letter sa kanya sa journal ko about Mama finding someone else to love. I asked him if I should be mad or should I feel guilty kasi ayokong maghanap pa si Mama ng gano'n." Tears started to stream down my cheeks and I felt Ate's arms around me. Jillian clasped her fingers with mine.

I continued, "Sa panaginip ko, I was seated beside him and he was soothing my hair, trying to calm me down kasi I was feeling so overwhelmed. You know what he said? Sabi niya, 'it's okay, Pat. Papa's here.' And I remembered that video Mama took of us. It's the same thing he said."

The three of us were crying now. Once we fully accepted losing Papa, we didn't cry as much. We knew that if he was here, he wouldn't want his girls grieving too much. That didn't mean losing him hurt less. It's always going to be one person less in pictures, in important events, and in the simple days that we live.

"What else did Papa say, Patty?" Ate said.

"I asked him if he was okay with Mama and Tita Ris. Sabi niya sa'kin naiintindihan raw niya 'yung nararamdaman ko. But he said it was okay with him. It was okay for Mama to love someone else, but only if that someone else is Tita. He said that it would be the greatest gift he could ever give Mama — the love that she deserved while she's still living. Sana 'wag na raw akong magalit o malungkot kasi Mama has his blessing and that I had nothing to worry about kasi Mama's in good hands with Tita. He said na hindi naman daw siya mapapalitan ni Tita sa buhay natin, lalo na ni Mama, but he wished we could give Mama the chance to fall in love again and experience the love that would last her this lifetime."

We cried in silence, both due to missing him, but also because he wanted Mama to pursue the love that she could have.

"I think...as long as Papa's okay with it, I'm okay with it." Jillian said, wiping her tears away and laughing slightly. "Hindi naman stranger si Tita sa'tin, and he's right. Basta si Tita Ris lang kasi if it was anyone else, ayoko. Pero syempre, it'll take time for me to process this pa."

Ate Aika nodded her head and agreed.

"It'll take a lot of time for us to process this naman. But like Jill, kung okay kay Papa, okay rin sa akin. I know this will take longer for you, Patty. It's valid and you shouldn't feel guilty. Kung okay sa'yo, then I think we can give Mama our blessing. But if not, siguro kausapin mo muna siya at kung hindi pa rin talaga, she'll understand."

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"Ma?"

"Oh, anak, ano 'yun?"

I entered Mama's room and laid beside her. She immediately put her phone down and focused on me. "Can I talk to you about something?"

"Oo naman. What is it?"

"You and Tita Ris...may something ba?"

A look of alarm flashed across Mama's features and she sat up, leaning her back against the headboard. I sat up and held her hand, urging her to look at me in the eyes. "It's okay, Ma. You can tell me."

I smiled at her reassuringly kahit pa sobrang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko. On the rare occasions that my mom's nervous, she doesn't look at people in the eyes. Her body language clearly showed that she was indeed feeling that way.

"I'll be honest with you, 'nak," she began, "Sa aming dalawa, wala. Magkaibigan lang kami."

I let out the breath that I didn't even know I was holding. Her eyes finally met mine and I felt her palms go cold.

"Pero sa akin, meron. I love her, 'nak." She smiled sadly, "But I won't pursue it. Alam ko namang ayaw niyo. And I'll choose you three over anyone or any feeling."

There it was. It kind of felt reassuring but also bewildering. My heart ached hearing that Mama's willing to sacrifice her own feelings for us. But at the same time, I felt guilty. So, so guilty because Papa wanted this for her at kami lang 'yung pumipigil.

"You should," I replied softly. "Pursue your feelings, I mean. Okay lang sa akin. Okay lang sa amin."

Her eyes widened, "Huh?"

"As long as it's Tita Ris, okay lang. I dreamt about Papa and he told me you already have his blessing."

"K-kailan?" Tears were forming in Mama's eyes and shit, she can't cry kasi maiiyak rin ako at ayokong umiyak.

"Quite a while ago." A tear escaped from her and I quickly wiped it away. "I needed time to process kaya I'm only telling you about it now."

She held my hand tighter. Buti naman hindi natuloy 'yung pag-iyak niya kasi baka hindi ko na kayanin.

"Mama, it's okay. Ate Aiks, Jill, and I have talked about it. We asked Papa about it. You already have his blessing so now, you have ours too."

She reached over to me and wrapped in a grateful hug. I sobbed on her shoulder, not because I felt mournful, but because it felt freeing. Wala na 'yung guilt, 'yung galit, at 'yung lungkot na dala ko while I was speculating and processing. It felt freeing to know that Mama's happy with our decision.

Pumasok si Jillian sa kwarto and said, "So kayo lang ang pwedeng mag-moment?" She jumped on the bed and hugged Mama.

Sumunod naman si Ate Aika and laughed. "Para kayong mga baby. Have you talked to Mama about it, Patty?"

"Yeah," I laughed, wiping my tears away. "I'm okay. We're okay."

Ate Aika cuddled up next to me and we had to lay down sideways kasi hindi kami kasya sa kama ni Mama. "Okay lang ba talaga sa inyo?" Mama asked as she gave us an affectionate look.

All three of us nodded, "As long as it's Tita Ris, Ma. Kasi kung iba, bawal."

We stayed like that for a while, enjoying the feeling of being together after a busy day. Honestly, the days ahead didn't look so gloomy now. I kind of feel excited to know how things would turn out with them.

"Ma, have you always been into girls?" Jill asked after a few minutes of our silence.

"Hindi. Risa's the only exception."

"Has Tita Ris always been into girls?"

"She's more experienced in dating than I am. Pero wala naman siyang na-mention na nagkaro'n na siya ng relationship with other women."

"This'll be the first for you two then."

"Oo. Okay lang ba talaga sa inyo?"

"Ma, ang kulit mo. Okay nga lang," Ate Aika reassured her. "Isa pang tanong mo kung okay lang sa amin baka sabihin namin sa'yong hindi na okay."

I kissed Mama's cheek and eased her worries, "Go get your girl, Ma."

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Dear Papa,

It was awkward at first. Seeing them together, watching them interact, hug, and kiss. But when I look at the bigger picture, nothing much has really changed about them. They make each other happy. Mama still looks at Tita Ris with so much affection. She doesn't even try to be subtle about it now.

I'm happy she doesn't need to anymore.

When Mama told us they were going to get married, I asked Tita kung tatanggalin ba niya 'yung wedding ring niyo ni Mama on her finger. Her reply made me love her more, Papa. That was when it settled the deal for me that agreeing to let Mama love someone else was a decision we made rightfully.

She said, "No, 'nak. I told your mom na ayaw kong tanggalin kasi I knew how much it means to her and to you. I could never replace your dad in your life. Kaya dadagdagan ko na lang."

Then she showed me a picture of their wedding ring. Sabi ni Tita she chose that not only because it looked good but also because it complimented you and Mama's ring.

I cried on Tita Ris' shoulder after that and she comforted me. Ang cute kasi they balance each other. When I cry to Mama, she silently watches me cry and talks only to remind me na may mga kailangan pa akong gawin. But with Tita, she lets me cry on her shoulder and even soothes me with words of affirmation.

I always thought watching Mama get married to someone else would be disturbing for me. But as I watched the event unfold before me, my heart almost burst with happiness because I know Mama's feeling the same way.