When i woke up my face felt heavy. Almost like i'd been crying in my sleep, which i didn't think was possible. Then again, i had travelled though time so at this point i couldn't give less of a shit.

I felt the sun come through the curtains and fall on my face, with that i pulled the duvet over my head and groaned. Of course Claire came in and opened them even wider so my blanket was no longer a defence mechanism, while also chanting my apparent plan for today. I'm fairly certain that trying cakes was part of it, but i was feeling too sorry for myself to listen.

Sounds narcassistic, i know, but at this point i'm over modesty.

I sat up and looked at Claire and somehow she understood my message to stop talking and leave. i felt at peace with myself when she finally did, but soon after Ambrose replaced her and i shot up out of bed again. He held two waistcoats each in one hand and stood infront of my mirror. "Ambrose, you have you're own mirror." I groaned. "Yes sister, i am aware of that, but yours makes me look taller." He replied. "Which one?" He added switiching between the two as he held them to his torso. I slid both of my hands up and down my face with frustration and sighed, "the red one." I pointed lazily. "yes, i was thinking that one too." He beamed while walking out.

I finally lay my head back down on my pillow, and was able to shut my eyes again.

For a maximum of one second.

My mother came crashing through the doors and straight over to my closet. "aaaaand i'm up!" I sacrastically smiled, I gave in to my tiresome family and walked straight out of the room, still in my nightgown. Mother mother hastily followed, but only to the door. "Diana? Diana! Come back Diana, you must wear clothes!" She yelled, waking everyone else in the house up. I didn't even turn back around, i just kept going forward, down the stairs and to the parlour. I sat down and started cut a piece of toast in half. I spread jam on one and honey on the other. My brothers seemed to have stopped everything that they were doing just to watch me in shock. "Diana how-" Matthew tried to asked before i completely cut him off with a sharp 'shh' and a wave of my hand infront of my face.

Once i'd finished my breakfast i left without saying anything to my brothers and came across my mother on the stairs. I turned to face her with a large, fake smile spread across my face, "I do not wish to get dressed today mama." I beamed before continuing up the stairs. "But you must. We are having the Penbrooke's over for luncheon (lunch)" She told me calmly. The smile on my face grew even bigger with anger, and i could have sworn i heard a glass smash and smoke coming out of my ears. I turned to face her, not even dropping my smile slightly. "Pardon?" I asked in disbelief. "Well we've got to tell them that you are no longer courting James, rather Mr Fitzwilliam. If we tell them, there's a less likely chance of losing them as friends you see." She replied, chuckling at her master plan and carrying on downwards.

I felt my face drop. Not because of anger or frustration, more at the mention of his name let alone no longer courting him. If i wasn't courting him, then there would be no point in ever talking to him again. It felt like my heart was slowly dropping to my stomach, slowly giving up on any chance of love, or even happiness.

I ended ud dragging myself to my room and eventually i got there, slowly but surely right? I asked Claire to help me get ready.

(her dress and hair)

She pigmented my cheeks and lips slightly and put a black pigment on my lashes. Claire placed her hands on my shoulders. "you're allowed to smile miss haywood." She whispered with a small smile. I placed one of my hands on hers and replied with a smile similar to hers, except this time it was real. By the time i was finished it was around midday, so they should have been arriving any moment now-

perfect. i was standing at the top of the staircase and came face to face with his grace. His parents srood behind him and my family close by, so he had to pretend to like me. Though he's had alot of practise with that. "Miss Haywood, i don't believe i've had a proper conversation with you in a while." he beamed at me from the bottom of the staircase. I slowly went down the stairs while saying, "Well your grace, we must catch up." I took his arm and we went into the dining room, where all the food lay. Everyone sat down and of course James and i were put together.

It took me back to the first time we'd properly met at his dinner party and i managed to embarrass myself so brilliantly in a room of very intimidating and well respected seniors.

He spoke to me in a normal tone so that it was clear to everyone that we were just having a normal conversation. "So, Miss Haywood, how has this season been treating you? It's become clear that you are now courting someone else, did i bore you?" He asked before popping a carrot into his mouth so calmly. The whole room fell silent and i'm pretty sure someone may have choked. I knew what he was going and i wasn't going to let it get the better of me. "of course not your grace, it only seemed as though another possessed your thoughts. You seemed to be distant at times is all." I answered his question with a coy smile on my face. this little acting game of ours was going to be fun. I watched him bite down on his own jaw in defeat, and he turned to face me returning the smile. "Ahhh you see, there must have been some miscommunication between the two of us because, as you know i am not too keen on courtship and marriage, but alas i opened myself up to someone. That someone was you, so no part of me ever even looked at another women if you were present. However you seemed to have left me hanging dry. Don't worry, no hard feelings, i do hope that you and Fitzwilliam potentially have a future together." He replied.

As disguised as it was with white lies and anger, i could tell that what he had said came from the heart. He was hurt, very hurt and i had been so blinded by my own gain that i didn't even think about what James could have been feeling. From pouring his heart out to me and the passionately kissing me against a tree, to me yelling at him about how uninterested i was in our future. However, deep down, part of me knew that i was doing it for him. For us. And for some reason, it didn't matter how much he hated me or thought ill of me, his happiness was all i wanted.

Throughout the rest of dinner i couldn't stop thinking about the 'no part of me ever even looked at another women if you were present'. Of course he could have been lying, but if he wasn't, does that mean that he took an interest in me earlier than i thought. Maybe all the times that i thought he was getting distracted because of letitia, all along it was me...

I needed to stop thinking like this.

He had just banged on about how he opened himself up to me, and considering the last time that happened i threw it straight back in his face, he definitely wasn't going to do it again, let alone in front of our families. I had to admit to myself that it was a lie just so that he could defeat me once and for all. I deserved to be put in my place, true intentions behind it or not, i should have been more considerate towards his feelings.

Though for some weird reason, i felt like i needed some good old fashioned closure. I decided to slowly move my hand closer to his. It felt like his hand was a magnet and mine was the vunerable, defenceless piece of metal. My skin itched to touch his with anticipation, and the thought of him holding it in his hand gave me hope as i was get closer and closer to it. As soon as our skin touched it felt like a match had been lit and fire ran all the way up my arm and into the rest of my body. Suddenly, i could only feel cold radiated from his hand. He tensed and immediately pulled his hand away from mine.

Our hands didn't even lock, they simply just touched, and that was enough for him to feel uncomfortable. Although i was hoping for more, part of me knew that what i told him and the way i spoke too him was just too much to handle. Too much to think about. I had gotten the closure i needed and i was ready to carry on. Alone. Without him.