He got out of his fathers car with his jacket zipped up all the way and his hood up over his eyes. I trudged towards the school doors. "Every morning." Miss Pickwell complained and ripped his hood from his head.

He just carried on into the school and pulled it back up. He was stopped by three boys staring him down, they walked past each other and he kept walking. He barged into a classroom and threw up in the sink by the door, he turned around and saw the class and teacher staring.

"Sorry, carry on" Mr Alfie Wickers, history teacher of form K said and left the classroom.

He walked into his own classroom just as the bell rang, he slumped into his chair and a student came towards him and handed him some papers.

"I've taken the liberty of doing the form register for you" she spoke. He shushed her. "[in Chinese]You pathetic excuse for a teacher" she spat. "Jing, you language is very beautiful, but means nothing to me" he replied.

"Parents evening tonight sir, you get to meet my mum, everyone says she's a milf" another pupil came to his desk and informed him.

"Ugh, Chantelle haven't you got a class to be preparing for?" He retorted.

"Maths, we're doing fractions, apparently 23 won't go into 15, Mrs Mollinson says it's impossible." She replied. "We'll see about that" Chantelle whispered with a seductive wink.

The door barged open and two boys appeared through it. "RemDogg, why are you late?" Me Wickers asked.

"Wheelchair!" RemDogg replies pointing to the wheelchair he was sitting in.

"And you Mitchell?" Wickers asked.

"Well, this thing don't push itself does it?" Mitchell Harper retorted.

They both went to their seats. RemDogg went to the back of the class and Mitchell went to sit next to another student named Katie

"Look, please, it's Monday morning, I have a hangover. Joe can you look in the first aid box and see if it has got any Berocca in it?" Mr Wickers asked the boy sitting at the front of the classroom, Joe Poulter.

"Yes, dad" he replied then instantly regretted it as the whole class laughed.

"Oh my days, he just called Mr Wickers dad! What a helmet!" Mitchell laughed and snapped his fingers.

"Shut up Mitchell" Mr Wickers stood up. "At least he knows who his dad is" Mitchell looked away in defeat and everyone laughed again.

'HANGOVER CLASS' it read on the white board in big handwriting. The whole class were asleep except for Jing who was writing in her notepad.

Miss Pickwell came through the door and slammed it to wake Mr Wickers and the students up.

"And that's how quiet Anne Frank and her family had to be to evade capture from the Nazis" Mr Wickers said as though he hadn't been sleeping.

"Mr Wickers, I need the papers" Miss Pickwell spoke.

"You want to see my papers?" He asked in a German accent.

"The mock exam papers Mr Wickers." She replied, unamused.

"Has anyone ever told you that you'd make a wonderful SS officer?" Mr Wickers stalled.

"Yes. Now shall we just do this in my office?" Pickwell suggested. Mr Wickers agreed and they left for Miss Pickwell's office.

They were sitting in the dullest room Mr Wickers had ever been in, the deputy head office.

"I need to progress the mock exam results for parents evening tonight" Pickwell began.

"Yeah, right, good, I was hoping you'd ask about those" Wickers stalked yet again.

"Stop fanny farting Mr Wickers. Just give me the results, where are they" she retorted. Wickers clicked his tongue twice and tapped the side of his head with his finger.

"All up here." He replied.

"What?" Pickwell questioned. He twisted his finger back and forth still pressed again his head. "Seriously, give me any student, I'll give you their results."

"Mitchell Harper?"

"A"

"Chantelle Parsons?"

"A"

"Natalya Lisovaskia?"

"A"

"Natalya Lisovaskia was a double gold medal winning soviet shot putter" Pickwell corrected Wickers.

"What they get up to in their free time is none of my concern, Isobel." Wickers replies thinking he got out of that one. She exhaled sharply and whispered

"don't call me that"

"Izzy? Is that better, it's more chummy." He suggested. "The Izzter?"

"I suppose you think you've got balls coming in here, playing your silly little games." Pickwell began. Wickers shook his head.

"Well let me tell you something, I've got bigger balls than you'll ever have."

"Well it's written in the gents, but I just assumed that was a rumour" Mr Wickers replied honestly.

"It's a metaphor, Mr Wickers. Let me hit you with another one. You're skating on very thin ice, and that ice is cracking with the weight of me and my ginormous balls. Two's company, three's a crowd." Pickwell retorted.

"Wait, so now you've got three balls?" Wickers asked clearly confused.

"By five or they all fail" she ignored.

"By five? But that's like 30 papers? That's 3 hours marking! This is slave labour, you're persecuting me." Wickers complained.

"Parents evening is my opportunity to show you up for who you really are. By five, or you'll be running home to daddy like the pathetic little boy you are." She ignored again.

"Oh I won't be running anywhere. Because daddy is picking me up in the car" Wickers snapped and left.

In the staff room, Wickers went to the pigeon holes to get his post, he quickly put one of his letters in someone else's. Then another teacher came to get her post.

"Alfie, your post in my pigeon hole again." She spoke

"morning Rosie. What is it? Nomination for teacher of the year?" Wickers greeted. Rosie Gulliver.

"Outstanding payment on student loan" she read and handed it back to him.

"What are you like? Lovely." Alfie, answered his own question.

"I look terrible but thanks" Rosie replies as she pulled her cardigan back up over her shoulder.

"I was thinking about you last night." Alfie began awkwardly.

"I was on my way to the gym for an ab-attack, and I last Café Rouge. It reminded me of our little date."

"It was a staff party." Rosie corrected.

"You say potato I say... date" he replied.

"Ugh, not today Alfie, Richard broke up with me last night." She complained.

"What? He broke up with you? Why? You're perfect." He informed.

"Oh, well I guess it was a relief, you know. I'm a very physical person and I think Richard was intimidated by that." She explained.

"What a square" Alfie commented.

"I mean for the past few months we've barely touched each other. I'm going to take a break from relationships and throw myself into my voluntary work. No more dating men for me, just orphans and abused children"

"Oh, you mean the charity work... of course"

"Obviously, Alfie"

"But if I need some teary pity sex, you'll be on my shortlist." She finished and turned back to get her post.

"I'd clear my diary like that. Except for Thursday, it's my dads birthday and he's taking me and a friend to see Cirque du Soleil."

"Richard used to love the circus" Rosie sighed and walked away with her post.

Alfie was tapped on the shoulder and turned to an older teacher. "Someone put your post in my pigeon hole" she spoke and handed him a letter.

"Yeah, like I'm going to fall for that trick Mollinson." He said and snatched the letter from her hand.

"Okay, class I've got good news and bad new which one do you want?" Alfie spoke as the students were entering the classroom again.

"The bad news?" Jing asked putting her hand int he air.

"Well, Jing, the good news is that today's History module is Pearl Harbour, and we all know what that means" Alfie replied and made a drum roll sound on the table in front of him. "It's class wars!"

The students moved the tables toward the walls opposite each other and sat on top of them.

"Right, okay. So, it's December 7th 1941. We're in Hawaii military port. The first thing we're going to require is some Americans." Alfie began as he took out fake military hats and threw them to the students he called out.

"Andre, your Ben Affleck. Joe, Josh Harnett. RemDogg, you're a tank"

"Yes!" RemDogg slightly celebrated.

"Next, I'm going to need a nurse, where's my Beckinsale?" Alfie asked, picking a nurse hat out of the box.

"Please sir, I'm great with cancer and I know all the words to 'beaches'" Stephen, Chantelle's gay best friend informed.

"Alright you can be Beckinsale." Alfie agreed handing him the hat. "Now, finally, we require a member of the Japanese Imperial Air Force" Alfie continued with a karate bandana, walking closer to Jing, who had her back towards him, with he arms folded over her chest, not looking amused, knowing what would happen. Alfie ties the bandana around Jung's head. "The emperor will be proud of you, my lotus flower" he spoke as he tied the knot.

"She's Chinese you muppet!" RemDogg yelled.

"I know!" Alfie replied. "Okay positions" He got out handfuls of pens. "It's kamikaze time"

"Wait, sir what about the bad news?" Joe interrupted.

"Well, you might, probably, almost definitely all fail your mock exams" Alfie replies quickly.

"What do you mean we're going to fail?" RemDogg asked.

"It's complicated, alright, I didn't want to bore you with it" he replied. "The important lesson here is to look for the positives in failure. Like, for example, my grandad,he suffered failure, lung failure. Which means I inherited a Volvo. So remember that. Always look for the Volvo. So it's a quiet morning in Pearl Harbour, but not in Tokyo"

"Alfie, we can't fail. My dad would kill me!" Joe interrupted again. "My mum would beat the shit out of me!" Katie, Mitchell and RemDogg's best friend spoke. "Don't be silly" Alfie, replied.

"My dad would kill you!" Mitchell threatened pointing at him.

"Well, I mean, I guess I could mark some of them." Alfie gave in.

"Listen you mug." RemDogg began. "You need to mark all of them."

"Yeah, you don't want to see my dad when he's angry, he used to train in the same gym and Divid Haye!" Mitchell informed.

"And Sally Gunnell" RemDogg added through gritted teeth.

Alfie was walking through the hallway, clearly annoyed that he was to mark 30 papers by 5 o'clock and hadn't even started. Then, a student came up to him, the same kid who stared him down at the beginning of the day.

"Nice kicks" Frank Grayson, the school bully began.

"Uh thank you?" Alfie replied. "Give them me" Grayson ordered. "What?"

"Give...them...me" Grayson repeated.

"No" Alfie refused. Grayson just glared. "You couldn't even wear them, they have an orthopaedic heel." Alfie added.

"Shut up Downton Abbey" Grayson snapped.

"They would play havoc with your arches." Alfie replied. "I'm sorry Grayson, I'm not giving you my shoes."

Alfie tried to walk past the head masters office with no shoes on without being heard.

"Whoop whoop! It's the sound of the police!" He turned to see the Head Master bouncing on a rubber ball.

"You've been apprehended. You have the right to remain silent, although that's unlikely as you've been arrested by Sargent Fraser, head of Dave's Witty Banter Unit." Mr Fraser spoke and saluted.

"Step inside Alf, I need a quick conflabamondo"

Alfie stepped inside the Head Masters office and say on another big rubber ball.

"Lord give me strength" Alfie whispered under his breath.

"Look, you're not firing me are you?if this is about those fire extinguishers, I was doing a call on democracy. I was using Mitchell to demonstrate Guantanamo Bay torture techniques." Alfie explained. Fraser made gun shaped with both hands and pretended to fire them and pretending to put them in his pockets.

"Holster those pistols young ranger. Let's just control-alt-Apple-Z. That little outburst shall we? Although for the record that can definitely never happen again." Fraser replied.

"I get it. You're intimidated by my teaching methods. I make learning fun. If I was a font I'd be Coming Sans. You're so Times New Roman!" Alfie added, offended.

"Shut the funk door! You know I'd be Wingdings. Crazy" Fraser replied and made a silly face. Any-shiz, some of the 'old school' don't 'get you'. But I do, I'm young, I'm cool and I find your approach..." he impersonated drinking something. "Refreshing"

"However, this little man-to-man is about Rosie, Miss Gulliver. As Beyoncé says she's a single lady and I'm going to put a ring in it" he finished holding his ring finger up.

"What? You fancy Miss Gulliver?" Alfie questioned.

"I likey... I lightey" Fraser replied and switched on a lamp beside him. "Oh what's that smell?" Fraser asked and they both sniffed the air.

"Whiffy banter" he answered his own question wafting the air in front of his nose.

"Oh, for f- look, what's this guy to do with me?" Alfie asked.

"Because, Alf, you're going to be my wingman!"

"Uh-Uh! No way!" Alfie refused.

"I need your help to get Gulliver to go on a date with me. I will literally follow your every word!"

"My every word?"

Fraser nodded. "Okay I guess I could give you a few pointers, first piece of advice, completely ignore her, women love that shit" Alfie informed, with a plan.

"Really?"

"Yeah it will definitely work!" He replied.

"I can see we're going to make quite a team. And look, I'm already prepped. Downloaded a chat-up app." Fraser began as he picked up his phone. "Let's roll the dice" and shook his phone around.

"You're ridiculous" Alfie commented.

"Yeah, Roses are read, violets are blue, later tonight, I'll be hanging off the back of- I probably won't use that one actually" he said and quickly put his phone in his shirt pocket.

"Can I go now?" Alfie asked.

He walked up the stairs to the lost and found, as he still had no shoes on. He found, underwear, two odd shoes and he face palmed when he saw the only shoes in the box. He pulled them out. They were purple crocs!

He walked up to Rosie.

"So I decided, this evening, take your mind off Richard, I would book us a-"

"No, no, 100% absolutely not." Rosie interrupted, as she sorted plants into a basket.

"Sounds like a maybe" Alfie replied. "Look, I think the reason things didn't work out with Richard is because he's so old and boring. You know what most women prefer nowadays, a toy boy. Ashton and Demi. Guy Ritchie and Madonna." Alfie continued.

"All divorced" Rosie added.

"Ben Ofoedu and Vanessa Feltz" Alfie added and took a sip of his coffee.

"Alf, I love you. Not in that way. It's just you are a bit immature." Rosie replied.

"You're a bit immature" Alfie said in a high pitches voice. "Look I'm a grown-up. I use so many grown-up things! I use coasters, I put my posters into frames, I have a bag-for-life. Share my bag with me Rosie." He explained then regretted the latter sentence.

"Did that sound really desperate?" He asked.

"A little" Rosie replies and walked away.

"Shit" he murmured. "Immature" he mumbled as he took out his phone and failed a number and put it to his ear. "Hi is that TGI fridays? I wanted to cancel a table under the name of Wickers" he spoke.

"Well, of course if I'm cancelling the table I also want to cancel the cake."

He sat at his desk looking depressed, he looked at all of the papers he had to mark and groaned.

"I can't. What's the point" Alfie complained.

"Sir?" A student spoke.

"Uh, History or something." He replied with no energy.

"Oh god, stop being such a pussy, it's just a girl!" Mitchell yelled.

"That's very perceptive" Alfie replied.

"Oh no, what I mean to say was 'stop being such a girl, it's only pussy'" Mitchell corrected himself with a laugh. Katie slapped his arm with the back of her hand.

"Right." Alfie pretended like he was amused.

"I guess you'll be looking for a rebound then sir." Chantelle said as she pulled her top down so that her cleavage was showing.

"I just feel so hurt. So upset" Aflie ignored Chantelle's comment.

"It's like getting kicked in the balls with a football to the power of Mufasa dying in The Lion King." He complained. Stephen stood up and slapped his left cheek. "Ow!"

"Snap out of it!" Stephen yelled.

"Wow you have quite a slap" Alfie informed.

"You learn to defend yourself when you're the only one in the playground with a Sade ringtone" Stephen replied.

Katie then stood up, "but he's right you need to man up!" She yelled and back handed his right cheek.

"Ow! Okay enough with the slapping!" Alfie yelled.

"Sorry, I just really wanted to hit someone." She replied and sat back down.

"Hang on guys, Mr Wickers may be a bit of a twat, but despite being a twat, and don't get me wrong he is a twat-" Mitchell began.

"I think we get the picture"Alfie cut him off.

"If he don't mark that shit, he could get fired, and we could end up with a real teacher, we can say goodbye to class wars and hello to homework. Screw that!" Mitchell continued.

"Oh god my parents might send me to one of them all girls schools where your not allowed electric toothbrushes or door handles or anything" Chantelle complained.

"If anything your parents will want you to stay even more if sir leaves." Katie added.

"[in Chinese] why can't you just admit you're incompetent and quit?" Jing spat as she stormed up to Alfie's dear and threw a piece of paper at him.

"Of course Jing! You guys can mark them! Well do the pass to the left method. Hooray for Jing!" Alfie yelled. The whole class applauded and cheered.

"You're a joke." Jing added then sat back down.

"Yay. Woo." Alfie celebrated more.

Alfie got his lunch along with everyone else, and saw Fraser talking to Miss Gulliver at a stall with a sign saying "Palmers Syndrome". He rushed towards them.

"Ahah, Alfie Wickers, the Wickers man, Wickers world" Fraser greeted.

"What's going on here?" Alfie asked, offended.

"Just organising a post-workage meetage at the pubage. Dukes Arms...age" Fraser replied.

"We're just going to talk about the schools charity calendar. I really want to make a speech tonight at parent evening, and the reason I've chosen this God-Awful degenerative disease is that-" Rosie began.

"I know all about Palmers Syndrome" Alfie lied.

"Really?"

"Yup... personal experience sadly." Alfie replied.

"Who?" Rosie asked. Alfie looked around the cafeteria and his eyes landed on Joe.

"Joe's mum"

"What? Really?" Rosie asked, by that time Katie had sat down at a table behind Fraser with Chantelle and Stephen, facing Alfie. He knew that she could help as she's always eavesdropping.

"Yeah, she's got the old" he tapped the sign. "PS"

"Caught it on holiday" Katie face palmed as she knew that you can't catch Palmers Syndrome. She took out her note book from her bag and wrote down what he could say, as she's a very helpful person when she wants to be.

"Caught it?" Rosie asked.

"I mean it caught up with her on holiday" Alfie corrected.

"Because Palmers Syndrome isn't contagious it's..." he read Katie's book "idiopathic"

"What strand did she contract?" Rosie asked. Katie hadn't written the answer down fast enough so Alfie just said "both of them."

"Bo- Arthropathic and Neuropathic?" Rosie asked. "Yes."

"Oh god, and she had all the symptoms?" By then Katie had written all of the symptoms in the book.

"Yeah."