I am not who I am to be

Nothing but the vessel of my disguise

So I cry and sob and whine

As I realise, the real lies

They're the eyes of a dead man, not mine

- taken from my poetry book "A boy in this f***ing world".

Scott Davenport slammed down the shot glass and shut his eyes tightly, forcing the burning liquid down his throat.

The alcohol soothed his worries, tingling down his whole body and sending a sensation of warmth spreading across him. He closed his eyes, appreciating the tiny taste of oblivion it offered him. The more he would drink, the more of it he would get. And he wanted it all.

"Damn, Davenport." The bar tender, Jean Vine muttered. "What's up with you? Haven't seen you in here for a good few years."

Scott wriggled the glass, beckoning for another shot.

Jean shot him a dark look and then grinned. "I'm a bar tender, not a freaking slave, you know. Manners, Mr Davenport."

"Sorry 'bout that." Scott muttered, his elbows feeling heavy on the bar.

"Rough couple of months?" Jean asked, pouring him another shot of his favourite whiskey.

Scott didn't answer, instead he shot the whiskey like it was water.

"You know, your father used to come in here a lot." Jean said, leaning against her side of the bar.

"Don't speak of my father." Scott said, his voice shaky and unstable. "Please. I can't."

Jean got the message, as she watched his hard face seem to shatter at the mention of his father. Instead, she poured him another shot on the house.

Jean had short pixie-cut hair and was quite a small size, but a ferocious character was what she was known to be. She had fought her fair share of men too - Jean wasn't to be messed with. She was known by many of the townsfolk in Sachem Bay, for she was one of the friendliest people about. She was also known to be in an on-off relationship with a girl nicknamed "Chester", a wild child who rode a motorbike, causing rackets within the streets, much to everyone's displeasure.

Scott had another three whiskeys and by that time, his vision was spinning, but his ass was sure going to stay on that seat. Going home meant walking past Gracie's room, and that was a reminder of his failure as a father. There was no way of waking her up and Scott knew it. It killed him everyday.

"You know what, Jean?" Scott mumbled, his eyes looking heavy and sleepy.

Jean grinned her usual friendly, understanding smile. "What, buddy?"

Scott clanked the empty shot glasses together, grinning in a daze. "I'm surprised I'm alive. You know what? I'm surprised I lived long enough to fall in love with Gia Summers. I'm so surprised I even survived long enough to marry her and make her a Davenport."

"Why's that?" Jean said, seeming a little concerned.

"Us Davenport folk have a habit of dying or going missing."

"I know what you mean, Hun." Jean said, pouring herself a Martini. "You're talking about the death of your father and Sadie, aren't you? And Gracie disappearing. I feel for you."

"My mom disappeared too. On the inside. And Shari."

"Shari?" Jean repeated, looking confused.

"Shari always disappears!" Scott laughed, though it was clearly not funny. "She was the only one left alive and well, besides me. So what does she do? She leaves me all alone!"

Jean's face looked hurt and empathetic as she took a sip of her martini.

"I'm so sorry, Scott."

"Shari left me, after Dad had died. Mom was practically brain dead. And I was left all alone to look after her." Scott cried, taking back another whiskey. "I hate her."

"No, you don't mean that, chuck." Jean replied, patting his arm.

"I hate her!" Scott said a little louder. "She left me all alone! And does she care? Does she care that every time we look at her she is Sadie, not Shari? Does she care that she's selfish and does she care..." Scott was intoxicated now. "Does Shari care that I hate her."

Jean was silent, her glass frozen at her lips. Scott stumbled to the side to see his sister stood in the doorway of the bar. She was dressed in jeans, a leather jacket and boots, her long fire red hair in a high ponytail. Her eyes looked red and sore, her face pale and tired, but yet still so beautiful just like his mother once was.

Shari had heard every word of what her brother said about her.

"Oh..." Scott murmured, holding on to the bar for support.

"I thought you'd be here. Dad used to come here a lot and it's the only place I would think you'd go alone at a time like this." Shari said plainly, her voice shaky and weak.

Scott just stared, it seemed her didn't even know where he was.

"C'mon, Scott. Let's get you home." Shari said, scooping her arm under Scott's and supporting his weight under hers.

"Hope you're doing well, Shari." Jean said with a small sympathetic smile.

Shari nodded and returned a smile, weak, but a smile nonetheless. "Thanks, Jean. It's nice to see you again."

Shari struggled her way out of the bar and let Scott collapsed into the passenger's seat of her truck. It was 11.30PM, and night had long fallen. She buckled his seatbelt and got into her own seat and set off.

"Thanks, Sadie..." Scott said, half awake.

"What did you just call me?" Shari replied, softly. He didn't reply, light snores coming from him filled the car. Shari shook it off and set the car engine into life.

She turned on the music lightly, to one of her favourite albums to play. The song was The Civil Wars - Poison and Wine.

You only know what I want you to

I know everything you don't want me to

The night was quiet tonight, the road lonely and deserted as the lights lit up the concrete.

Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine

You think your dreams are the same as mine

Shari gave her brother a side glance. He was now sleeping, his hair a mess and dried tears were stained on his cheeks.

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Oh I don't love you but I always will

I always will

He had said he hated her, and that broke her heart, but Shari knew the truth. She knew Scott sacrificed everything to be the big brother she needed. Sadie was the glue that held them together. But after she was gone, he did a pretty good job at trying.

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back

The less I give the more I get back

Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise

I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you

Shari knew family was forever, no matter what. As she drove, tears fell down her face in regret.

"I'm sorry, Scott." Shari whispered to her sleeping sibling. "I'm so sorry that I abandoned you, when you was always there for me."

Oh I don't love you but I always will

Shari switched off the radio and settled herself as she pulled to a stop outside of the house Scott, Gia and Gracie shared together.

She heaved her brother from the passenger seat and supported him towards the front door and into the front hallway.

"Gia." Shari said. Gia came from the kitchen, telephone in her hand and sighed in relief.

"Thank God you found him." Gia said.

"Anytime, we're family."

Gia smiled. "What would I do without you?"

Shari grinned. "I'll put him to bed."

"Please do. I'll sort him some medication for his hangover tomorrow. I'll undress him when I go to bed." Gia replied with a roll of her eyes.

Shari nodded and began to trudge up the steps, pulling her half-conscious brother with her. Eventually, panting, she got to the bedroom he shared with Gia and helped him into bed. She placed the duvet over him and smiled.

"Sleep well big bro." Shari whispered and kissed his forehead.

Shari got to the door when Scott mumbled in his drunken state: "Don't hate you, Sis. I love you... Sorry."

Shari nodded and smiled. "You too."

Shari made her way down the steps and into the kitchen, where Gia was sat at the table.

"I know he acts tough, but he does that for all of us. He's dealt with a lot." Gia said.

"I say I know my brother, but that's my mistake for forgetting that he is human. And I need to realise that abandoning him when he needed me the most was wrong."

Gia held up her hand. "Just remember, you're also human too. You can make mistakes. We all can."

Shari sat down, opposite her sister-in-law.

"Today has been a long day. But tomorrow, we're working on getting Gracie back."

"Deal."

Shari pulled up outside of the house - she knew Justin would be heading home, the funeral arrangements would have taken all day.

She caught him at his front door, heading into the house.

"Oh, Shari." Justin said, seeming surprised. "I didn't expect to see you here."

"Shut up." Shari ordered and her lips met his instantly, wrapping her arms around his neck and pushing him into the house.

Justin kicked the door shut and lifted Shari into his arms, picking her up and taking her up the staircase and through to the bedroom.

She pulled off her t-shirt, revealing the large bandage that covered her healing gun shot wound as he pushed her down on the bed, unbuttoning his own shirt and ripping it off.

Breathless, Shari looked into his eyes and smiled. "One time. No strings. Okay?"

"The Lord will forgive me." Justin joked, flashing a gorgeous grin.

His lips met hers again.

***

Shari wasn't sure of the time. It seemed in that day, time didn't pass. Prue and Sloane's funeral had been draining and she lost track of time between the service and finding her brother drunk at the bar. Then Shari saw on his alarm clock it was 2:05AM.

She smiled as she watched Justin's sleeping face, content and innocent. The face of the boy who had adored her for years. She knew it could work between them, but Shari knew it could never happen.

She would fall in love with him. They would marry and they would have children. And Shari couldn't have children. The pain of Sadie and what happened to Gracie had scarred her too deep.

Shari fell back into the pillow and sighed, believing just for a moment that she was Mrs Shari Wainwright. She had lived a normal life and married Justin Wainwright, had kids sleeping in their bedroom. Sadie and her partner would come around the next day, with Scott, Gia and Gracie. The cousins would play whilst the adults would drink wine and laugh. Their mother and father may come to visit, healthy and happy and Shari would have no worries.

But she didn't live a normal life, Shari couldn't even pretend. She sat up, looking for her clothes, to leave before he awoke when the sound of a ringtone frightened Shari into a quiet scream.

Justin stirred and lightly woke, picking up his Samsung and groaning.

Shari relaxed again, laying back into the mattress.

"Hello?" Justin said quietly, sounding half asleep. He was silent for a few moments and then she felt his body go rigid.

"Yeah. As soon as possible. Please. Yes. Thank you!"

He placed the smart phone down and looked at Shari immediately.

"What is it?" Shari asked, fearing the worst.

"I finally contacted her, I wrote her a letter and she just called me."

"Who?"

"She's coming to Sachem Bay, to help us. Jenny Cooper."

Shari's chest felt light. It was the first good news she had heard in a long time.

Maybe they could finally beat this.