Some time ago I thought my life was depressing and I had to be strong to survive in this rotten society.

Childhood? It wasn't so bad yet, but I wouldn't have counted it among the good ones though. It was nice to be in kindergarten, then still my father used to be normal. He hasn't been angry so often yet, and my mother was quite happy.

The worst was when I attended elementary school.

Every day I woke up and thought about what the fucked-up day would be today and what would happen to me this time. Yeah, I was bullied at school. Buckets of water were spilled on me when I was in the toilet. I was kicked and talked about behind my back and even close to being molested and harassed.

I was kicked, bullied and hit by my own father. Terrible family situation, awful school situation. I felt just.. empty about that.

I endured it at the cost of my mental health, but I endured it. I am still myself...

When I was still in elementary school, I was really depressed by it, but I could stand it. It was okay. I was thinking about it when I was going to my new high school.

My thoughts were even suicidal then, because why should I waste my life on such matters? On such awful and terrible actions that happened to me?

Hah, suicide?! What a crap! I, Karuizawa Kei, is not running away from problems, I'm trying to fight them instead! I am protecting myself!

I always heard on TV and sometimes even in books when I was told to read for school. They said that no matter what happens to you, no matter how lost you are, you should look for your light in the tunnel. 'Enjoy life, enjoy your youth.'

I thought to myself then, 'what kind of bullshit is this?' The light in the tunnel, what else? I don't have such a thing for myself, I can only count on myself.

I graduated from my previous school and got into this high school. Advanced Nurturing High School. The so-called school of dreams, huh. It is said that it is luxury.

I didn't believe it from the beginning, school of dreams? Hah, as if such a thing really existed. Just another bullshit.

I entered the class then and was already planning to make my first friends, to protect myself with the immunity of having many friends and connections.

As I noticed Hirata Yosuke, I knew who to aim at.

I ended up telling him a part of my school bullying and mixing a few lies with it. I was just waiting for the right moment to attack.

I saw new people enter the classroom, including the girls. I will have a lot to do.

Then a few days have passed and I still remember my biggest mistake.

I really, really was stupid back then as usual, I was blinded by amount of private points.

I mean, 100 000 private points, hello? Insane amount of money! Who wouldn't be happy at first instead of suspicious!

I went shopping with girls from my class to build some basic relationships. I spent almost all my private points.

This is how I spent my peaceful days.

A month has passed. I looked at the phone to see if the next private points came.

'What the heck?!' I thought at that time, shocked and upset by amount.

[0 Private Points] was written clearly. It turned out that none of our class got private points! Then I had to beg for points from others!

And it turned out to be a scam! I spent about two hours in my room wondering about my very existence. I felt like rolling around in my room and complaining to someone.

'It' s not fair! What a crap! Hah hah, calm down Karuizawa Kei, you are a lady, you shouldn't have such thoughts. Remember you must be gyaru.'

ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ "Ugh!" I groaned out of frustration. I was mad and upset!

But seriously, when I think about it now, I'm really dumb.

Why even if it was a little suspicious to me, I ignored it? I don't know, maybe people just want to believe in such things, so I stupidly believed too.

Money was probably one of the most precious things for me at that time.

There were also some problems with guy Sudo, just some idiot, but I wasn't very interested in the situation of the class so much back then.

Some time passed and I got used to such school life.

I wanted these 3 years to be remembered as the most beautiful in my life, so I decided to manipulate my friends.

Of course, I don't feel good at all with my actions.

This world is screwed up, and I'm trying to defend myself by using others. It's nothing bad, right? I'm just trying to survive, isn't that true?

No...

I knew it was wrong.. But that's how it works here. I thought that evil must be fought with another evil.

In other words, I fought fire with fire.

I managed to convince Hirata-kun to pretend to be my boyfriend to have his protection. I also became the main figure among girls in D class.

'So why didn't I feel safe at all?'

I couldn't find an answer to this question yet.

There were several problems that my class had to face yet.

Until the exam on the island began. I was shocked when we managed to win, it seems that Horikita-san is really super smart.

Class D was extremely happy about this. Even if it wasn't my goal, I have a happy and sincere smile on my face, which I haven't had for a long time.

When I see how excited our class is, I decided that I would even put a little more effort into learning.

But if I think about it, I don't want to.

We came up in the evening and found Horikita-san on the front deck of the ship by the barriers.(I refer here to the scene with anime, because I saw that in LN it could have been different from what I remember.)

"Here she is! Horikita-san!" Hirata said.

"We've been looking for you." I approached her first, with the rest of the class behind me.

"Why is that?" I saw Horikita-san's eyebrows frowned and she looked confused for some reason.

I'm a little puzzled right now. Maybe it's because she didn't expect us to thank her.

"We heard that it was thanks to you that class D won!"

"Hirata-kun told us that you discovered A and C class leaders!"

Horikita-san was even more confused than before.

"Wai-"

"Thanks to you, we gained a lot of points!"

"You're amazing!"

"True genius!"

I'm trying to understand what Horikita-san had done at the time, so we waited for her answers with curiosity. Yep, even me!

"Ibuki-san was behind that fire and she wanted to escape, so you ran after her, right?" Sato asked curiously.

I moved back a little bit more to the right, so as not to be in the crowd of my classmates.

But suddenly something caught my attention. Exactly unknown figure of a girl who leaned on the ship's barriers with her back turned to sunset. I frowned my eyes then, because the sunset made me unable to see anything as it blinded my eyes.

It was a little bit dangerous, because I could have blinded myself looking at the setting sun like that, but it was definitely worth it!

When I finally managed to see this person, my eyes widened enchanted by sight. You could see sparks in them. I probably looked like some kid who heard about Disneyland for the first time.

The girl, as far as I know, was probably Ayanokouji.. Kiyone from what I recall, standing in the sunlight. How is it possible that no one has noticed her yet?

Her light brown hair, which seemed so pure and I wanted to touch them. This hair was dancing in the wind, and her face and skin so perfunctively smooth. Her complexion was so perfect for her cause she wasn't suntanned, but she wasn't pale either.

Her beautiful light brown eyes seemed to glow constantly and enchanted everyone who met with them now.

'So.. beautiful. Like the goddess.' I thought and found myself blushing but ignored it and focused on the moment. I couldn't even feel jealous of her for look, she was too perfect. I felt I shouldn't even feel jealous as if she was the only one who was right to be so beautiful.

I think she noticed that I was looking at her. I wanted to avert my gaze quickly, but I couldn't. It was a very special scenery for me.

She turned her eyes towards me and glanced at me while I stood still with absolutely no desire to move.

All the voices of my classmates have quietened, I could only hear the sound of the breeze, while observing her figure, which was illuminated by the orange sunset.

'I wonder if.. If she is my...'

Our eyes didn't close for about half a minute and remained still. Her eyes were so strange. But reassuring for me. So beautiful that I could see our reflections as she looked at us.

Soon Ayanokouji-san broke our eye contact and turned to the stairs to leave. However, she didn't look away from the loss of interest in me because it wasn't in her eyes. She turned away because she simply felt like it.

I watched her until the end as she disappeared from my field of view without me saying a word.

"-awa-san, Karuizawa-san!" I flinched from hearing the voice.

"Eh, what were you saying again, Sato-san? Sorry, I didn't hear."

I turned around and found Sato, Shinohara and Matsushita looking at me worried "You zoned out for the moment so we were worried."

"Oh, It's nothing. I was just thinking." I said.

Matshushita didn't look as satisfied with this answer like the rest, but I ignored it.

"Okey, let's go to the rooms then."

"Yeah."

I was just coming back from the cafeteria after meeting with Hirata-kun, Mii-chan, Shinohara-san, Matsushita-san and Sato-san. My expression was quite strange, as if I were absent.

It was just 17:20. I had trouble concentrating today because of a girl named Ayanokouji Kiyone.

I don't mean any kind of romantic love or anything like that. When I saw her I felt so safe and reassuring, as if all my problems were gone because of her. I've never felt like this before in my life, it's like lying on the sea with calm waves. I was so happy about it. It was certainly some kind of affection, but I don't know what type. I want so much to be her friend for some reason.

Sato-san told me that Ayanokouji-san may be one of those hidden in herself shy girls, but I don't particularly agree with her. Matsushita-san said that Ayanokouji might be clever and Hirata-kun said that she is one of the people in the class he relies on most.

I ignore Shinohara-san because she only said that Ayanokouji-san is boring and simply cannot be social. I was a bit angry about it, because you shouldn't judge a book by its cover or something like that.

Should I talk to her? After all, we will have a lot of time now, because we are coming back because the cruise is coming to an end.

Maybe she'll get even scared of me because I suddenly started talking to her. I should talk to her at school, if she really is actually the shy type.

How is it even possible that no one has ever noticed it before? Maybe it is because of her boring aura, which almost comes out from her. No, I shouldn't call it a boring aura, after all, I could hurt her feelings if I actually said so aloud.

I didn't even notice when, but I have reached the room with the key. I opened the door tired and put my bag on the bed.

I looked around the room 'Hmm, it seems that the rest of the girls are not here yet.'

Everyone had roommates assigned to the rooms on the cruise ship, so I was also with a few girls. To be honest, I don't even remember their names hehe, I hope they won't notice how I start calling them with 'you'.

Even if they notice, it is not my fault. Hmpf.

I locked the door because the rest of the girls also have a key and I was going to wash up.

I took a change of clothes and went into the bathroom. I took my clothes off and went into the cabin to take a shower.

I started to wash my body and stopped at my scar on my back. My mood immediately darkened.

In the end, nothing changed even after I came to this school. No, that's wrong.. Maybe I never had any intention of changing. For better or worse, it is always been the same for me. After all, I understand myself better than anyone else.

I know everything about myself, including my strengths and weaknesses. I know that none of the boys or girls like me. Even knowing that, I have never thought to change at all.

But it doesn't matter anyway. It doesn't hurt me anymore. Because for some reason, I want them to feel that way.

I would like others to feel that way, too, so that they can get to know how it feels like. It's wrong, I know it already.

As I got out of the shower, I stood and looked at myself in the mirror.

'If it doesn't hurt you anymore, why are you still crying?' I thought to myself when suddenly tears started to come out of my eyes.

'It's possible that I just get used to it?' It's even worse.

Completely naked, drops of water trickling down my skin. I would really like these tears from my eyes to be just drops from the shower.

How many times had I thought about smashing the mirror to pieces? Every time I saw that old wound on my side, it was like diving back into my disgusting past.

Dizzy and nauseated, I gripped the sink and vomited.

Why did I have to go through such an awful experience? Why do I have to suffer like this? Why, why, why? I have asked that question for a long time now. Words don't mean anything. The past can't be changed. No one can change it. God is cruel. My life was destroyed because of that nightmarish day. I lost my youth, friends any even myself.

But maybe today was different.

When I saw her, something touched me. I no longer felt disgusted with myself all the time deep down there inside my mind.

But why? Why would I want to hear these words from someone? Words of comfort. Maybe... Maybe if I fix it then I will be able to...

Either way, no matter how many people hate me, it will be better than suffering like that again. I don't need youth. I don't need friends. The most important thing is protecting myself. I will do whatever it takes. I'm parasite, a weak ceature that can't survive on its own.

'Maybe I'm fooling myself, but it doesn't matter anyway.'

I just finished dressing up when I heard the notification but ignored it completely, I didn't even listen.

I better forget about it and focus on other things, such as doing nothing because I'm tired.

I went to bed and lay down to take a little nap 'So comfy.' I hugged myself in the pillow and lay down comfortably.

I was too tired after all these exams. Especially on an island that lasted almost three days! What do they have in their heads?! Now I can go quietly to...

"Zzz..."

"ATTENTION!"

"Kyaa!" I instantly flinched from that and fell off the bed.

The sound kept ringing in my ears.

"This is an announcement to all students. All students should have received a message from the school, as indicated in the contact line. Please check your individual mobile devices and follow the instructions accordingly. In the event that you did not receive a message, we apologize for the inconvenience. Please go to the nearest faculty member for assistance. Because the contents of the message are extremely important, please do not miss it."

"Can you just close your mouth!? I don't care!" After a while the phone also made a loud noise of the notification.

"You too?! Traitor!"

After a while, I grabbed the phone with great effort. It was more tiring than taking a shower.

I turned on the phone to check the message.

[A special test will begin soon. Place gather in the designated room at the designated time. Anyone who arrives later than ten minutes after start time may be penalized. Please gather in Room 204 on the second deck by 18:00 today. Because it takes about twenty minutes to reach the are, we ask that you please use the restrooms now if necessary. Either silence your phone or turn it off, and make your way over here.]

I saw that it was still 17:34.

"MOUU~! IT'S NOT FAIR! I JUST GOT OUT OF THE SHOWER." I cried out aloud.

Even a moment's rest from the previous exam, and they want next!

Maybe this time we will dive and collect shells in the sea, who will collect more shells, the more private points! Hah, I wonder what they came up with this time!

I quickly took the necessary things with me and a small bag in which I put the phone.

I rushed to the door and planned to run to tell the Hirata about it.

I opened the door with my keys and rushed off, but I stopped immediately so as not to bump into the person in front of me.

I stood frozen like this for several seconds.

"Oh, hello Karuizawa. I have been looking for you."

I was greeted by the unreadable expression of this very person.

After a while I managed to make my voice heard "...Ayano-kouji-san?"