I had learnt a lot on the day I spent with Eva. It was true that every crack and crevice, every street corner holds small memories that exist to make up a crucial aspect of our lives especially when we least expected it.

That afternoon I watched her eyes beam with life as she recalled certain places which she and her husband used to go. Those were the days where time was truly of the essence. They existed at a time where all it ever took was one glance to be exchanged between them to be a conversation. When you find a love like that, for however long you have it, cherish it.

Soon enough after a lot of apprehension on my part I eventually gave in and returned home if I could still even call it that. Fortunately all the women decided it would be a good idea to have an impromptu sleepover. I was happy to see them all growing comfortable clad in their pyjamas sipping wine and conversing. I knew it would take a while to adjust to my own company. After putting David to bed for the night after feeding him, I joined the others in the living room sitting beside Marcie on the sofa throwing the blanket over my body to settle against the cushions.

Closing my eyes for a second to relish in the warmth it was only when I didn't hear a word that I cracked one of my eyes open to find three pairs of eyes watching me, "For women apart of the mafia you aren't exactly good at being discreet," I chuckled dryly feeling a tap on my knee from Marcie herself, "We're here if you need anything... seriously the last thing you want is to bottle it up and end up harming yourself in your aim not to think about it."

Processing her words my eyes moved all over the room trying my hardest to stop the tears. The resistance I thought I had built from the day I spent managing to crack a smile every so often was no match for the force of sadness that broke through. It was only from the sound of my phone that drew my attention away for a moment. It had taken a lot on my end to sum up the courage to switch it on and when I saw the missed calls particularly from my parents I had not been able to push myself to call them back. But it seemed whether or not I was ready to face them was a factor no longer considered when I noticed my mother's number appear on the screen.

Standing up to take the call in a different room I took the little time I got to take a few breaths to try calm myself down. "H-Hey mom," I cringed at how wobbly my voice sounded whilst I walked into one of the guest rooms to shut the door quietly behind me only to be met with my mother's loud voice on the other end, "OH THANK GOD! We've been trying to get in touch with you for days, how's the baby doing, is everything alright?" she asked not the least bothered to hide her concern.

Collapsing against the door, the relief that washed over me at hearing her voice had me smiling past the tears cascading down my face, "I promised to keep that baby in until you came... I'm really sorry about that," I chuckled reaching up to wipe the tears, "Please, as long as you and the baby are fine, you're forgiven. If anything after I couldn't get in touch with you, we feared something happened," she chuckled and my face fell at the fact that something happened. In as much as I keep closing my eyes at night hoping the nightmare would end it didn't. I cleared my throat to rid myself of the pain only for it to simmer from my heart to the rest of my body.

As she proceeded to tell me about how the cruise was going it seemed even over the phone she could read me like a book as she suddenly grew silent. She proceeded to ask an innocent question, "How are both you and Nicky feeling about finally being parents?"

Choking back a sob I slunk down to the floor to make myself as small as possible unable to cope with the fact I had to say it. As the seconds nearly turned into minutes she called my name again in evident concern, "S-Something.... uh, I don't even know h-how t-to say it. I keep trying to piece it altogether t-trying to f-figure out how..."

"Baby, you're not making any sense," she muttered and she was right. None of the sentences slipping past my mouth made sense but if one was to look into my mind they'd see that nothing coherent or stable was in it except pain. Placing my head between my folded legs feeling like a demure child, past my trembling lips I unleashed the set of words that tarnished the world around me, "N-Nicky got into an accident and uh... he d-didn't make it mom," I whispered only to hear an audible gasp from her.

"A-Ali... baby I'm so sorry," she replied, the sincerity made me wish in that point in time she was there in that room with me, "I swear we're going to take the first flight out there, baby."

The rest of the time I spent with her on the phone had done lttile to ease my ache. I could tell from my father's tone that he was worried. In as much as I didn't want anyone's pity I knew there was no stopping them from feeling sorry for the hard dose of reality I was fed.

Once my head hit the pillow that night I fell into a dreamless sleep that was disrupted from David's wailing on the baby monitor. Although most new parents dreaded the ordeal of waking up in the middle of the night I wasn't one of them, I quickly grasped any chance I could with him. Anytime he looked up at me, a peace brewed within me at knowing something good came out of everything.

***

Ashes to ashes...

Dust to dust...

I felt bent out of shape over the loss of love.

It's quite mind boggling how big he was to me only for his whole life to be encased in a silver urn in a sea of black. The day of his funeral had been difficult. David was a lot fussy crying more than usual and in a way it seemed he could tell that there was nothing to be happy about.

Eventually he fell asleep in my mother's arms after she could see just how disoriented I was seeing him so upset. I was barely able to keep it together now that the dreadful day had come. When my parents had arrived I was grateful to have them be with me through the difficult time no one should ever go through.

The funeral was held at Eva's home with a few friends and family to keep it as intimate as possible.

At some point during the course of the day I resorted to functioning on autopilot. My body was drifting taking in the words said unsure of how to react anymore. I had done my best to crack a small smile when the bosses arrived to give their condolences but by the time it was midday I couldn't take being in a room full of people anymore and escaped to Eva's garden dying to be anywhere else in the world.

Despite the sun being at a point of producing the most heat I didn't mind the sunshine hitting my body. I walked around the space taking in the colourful scenery. Frowning at the bright colours on each flower petal shaped to perfection by Mother Nature I reached out touching a leaf and went on to massage it with the tips of my index finger and thumb tempted to rip it out. "You're looking at that flower like it stole something from you," perking up at the familiar voice I turned to find my mother moving towards me.

Returning my attention to the plant still in my grip my frown only deepened, "It's not fair for the world to look so happy whilst I'm not," I replied letting it go unscathed to shake my head at the words I said, "I sound ridiculous, don't I?"

"You don't besides you have every right to react any way you want to," she replied throwing her arm over me, "if you want to scream... curse it's really up to you. But I'm going to be there," she reassured.

"How's David?"

"I put him to sleep in one of the rooms. Your father is keeping an eye on him. I swear that baby already has him wrapped around his little, chubby finger," I chuckled at the reminder of the first time my father laid eyes on him. The sight of him crying as he held him tightly was a heart-warming reminder of how loving my family was and how despite how I often felt sometimes I wasn't alone.

"He really was supposed to be with me, we had plans."

"Life is one of the few things you can't negotiate with when it comes to your destiny. But you have a little one whose looking up to you now... and if you ever feel overwhelmed which you will," she stressed rubbing my arm gently, "you come to us or call me anytime and I'll help you with anything you need."

For the rest of the period that time would allow we stood in that little garden making more silent promises to each other.