word count: 3k

warnings: professor!reid, panic attack

also i just wanted to say that this one shot is based off of my personal experiences w panic attacks. not everybody has the same experience and everyone who experienced them is valid in what they're feeling. but of course, if anyone has an issue w the content and how i deal w it in this fic, please message me!

bad days are rare for me. i tend to be the cheeriest one in the room that pulls upset people out of their dark places. i've been told i'm like walking sunshine, and while that's a compliment, it's a lot to handle.

people, like coworkers and friends and family, expect me to always be on. i'm always supposed to be around to give advice and be the shoulder to cry on. there's no time for me to be upset. and if i'm upset, i've got to suck it up, hide it, and put on a smile for others. it's absolutely exhausting.

so when i finally start to crumble under the pressure of my constant happiness, the day becomes unbearable. i spend hours and hours at work being the sounding board for my boss and coworkers, and then sometimes i go out with friends and they just vent about their days and their boyfriends or girlfriends and my negativity just swells and swells inside of me.

it's days like today, where i change from a pantsuit to a party dress and try to keep myself from crying in the middle of a club, that i wish i wasn't know as miss sunshine. i spent a long day at work and then my friends dragged me out to get drunk, and it's just too much. it's too overwhelmed.

i'm nursing one glass of wine for hours as people bump into me and as men try to grab my hips. it's even more hours of my feelings being ignored and of my friends drunkenly venting about their lives. i'm always there for them, but they never seem to be there for me.

our night has to end early because when eleven rolls around, my friends are already way too far gone. so i spend another hour driving six girls home before i can even think about myself. and the tears start to fall before i realize it, and by the time i'm pulling in the driveway to my house, my eyes are blurred with tears and my hands are shaking.

it takes me three tries to get the key in the lock and twist, and the second i'm inside, i drop my keys and bag on the floor and go rushing up the stairs and into the bedroom. i collapse onto the bed in a heap of sobs and gasps for air, my body trembling from my fingertips to my toes.

"hey baby, why did you-" i hear spencer's warm, comforting voice coming from the doorway, but it's not enough to break me out of this mindset. "hey, hey, what's going on?" he comes to crouch in front of me, his concerned face coming into my view. he looks so good, he always does, and i try to open my mouth to tell him, but nothing comes out.

trying to speak and not being able to is discouraging, so i squeeze my eyes shut and try to just get my breathing back to normal, but it just makes it worse.

"breathe in for four, hold for four, and then release for four, sweetheart. come on, can you breathe with me?" spencer coos, resting his chin on the bed right in front of me but being careful not to touch me. but that seems all too challenging and i shake my head no. "i think you can. i know it seems hard but you can do it. i know you can."

his confidence in me, as always, is encouraging. so despite my increasingly rapid breathing, i try. in my head, i know that i've done this breathing during a panic attack before and it has worked, but it seems impossible right now. but i try anyway. i try because this feeling of being crushed is horrible and i want it to end.

my body starts to tremble against the bed, and no matter how hard i try to make myself still, the shaking persists. the bed frame hits the wall in an annoying, constant sound. it does absolutely nothing to calm me down. the sound is frustrating. the sound is a constant reminder of my uncontrollable panic.

but somehow, through all of this, spencer continues to encourage me to breathe. my heaving chest is getting heavier and heavier by the second and my head is starting to go light. the pain in my chest is getting sharper and my feet start to flex and unflex, trying to grip the duvet so i can rock back and forth.

"good, you're doing so good, baby," spencer praises. "can you open your eyes for me?" once more, i do as he asks and slowly open my eyes, peering down as his smiling face. "hi, beautiful. is it okay if i touch you?" i nod just slightly, sniffling as his hand makes contact with my cheek, thumbs collecting tears and makeup from my under eyes.

he quickly wiggles his arms under my elbows and neck, lifting me up only to set me back down on the ground. once i'm on a solid surface, i instantly tuck my head between my knees and start to rock myself. the motion is calming and when my calves start burning with the movement, it gives me something new to focus on. it should make me feel overwhelmed, having another pain in my body, but it distracts from the pain in my chest.

"i'm right here for you," spencer's voice fills my ears again. "you're doing so good, love. just keep breathing. i know it's hard but you're doing it so well. in for four, hold for four, out for four."

i can't really tell how long i was rocking for, but i know that by the time i stop, my calves are burning and my neck is sore and straining. when i stop rocking, i'm still trembling but spencer pulls me into his lap, brushing his fingers up and down my arm. the new sound to focus on becomes spencer's heartbeat, pounding against his chest at a slow yet not too slow tempo. he speaks sometimes, and the low rumbling makes my eyelids flutter.

"do you think you can look at me now?" spencer brushes his fingers through my hair while his other hand pays attention to my cocktail dress, moving the bottom down and the top up to cover me. even though spencer has seen me naked countless times before, he knows that having my bits unintentionally out would make me feel so much worse.

but i do as he requests, opening my eyes once more and letting my head fall backwards to meet his gaze. he smiles at me, his fingers brushing against my cheekbone softly. "there's my girl."

i sniffle and hiccup as i try to speak. "i'm," i hiccup, "sorry."

"shh, shh, i don't want apologies. i just want you to take some breaths, okay? just breathe. let yourself calm down." i nod and let my head fall against his chest again, matching my breathing patterns to his.

we sit for another moment before spencer starts to move his legs, feet probably falling asleep with my weight on him. but i take this movement as a chance to open my eyes. the first thing i see is my trembling hands on spencer's chest, trying to clutch his now wrinkled dress shirt.

spencer brings his hand up to my cheek again before he speaks quietly. "do you want me to lay with you, or leave you alone, or help you change and maybe shower?"

he waits patiently for my answer, just stroking my cheek with his warm hands. and so i gather up the last of my energy to respond. "change."

"okay," spencer smiles, removing his hand and sitting up on his knees. and despite my trembling, he helps me to sit on the edge of the bed and starts to unbuckle my heels. "just keep breathing, love. you're okay. i've got you." once my shoes are off, he pauses for a second to run his fingertips up and down my legs. "i'm gonna go over there to get you some clothes, okay? but i'm not leaving the room."

spencer gets to his feet and i listen to him bustle around the room in search of the items he needs, and he's back at my side in just a few seconds. he throws some stuff down on the bed and then grabs my hands, helping me up to my feet.

he turns me around so he can access the zipper at the back of my dress, letting it slide down my body and pool at my feet. "do you wanna talk about what's made you upset? or do you want a distraction?"

"distraction."

"okay," spencer nods, reaching for a big sweatshirt from the bed and pulling it over my head, following by a new pair of panties and sweatpants. "sit down again, love."

all my energy has been used up at this point so sitting down again feels lovely. and as soon as i sit down, spencer is wiping the makeup off my face with a wipe, being extra gentle with my skin. once my makeup is off, he moves onto the next part of my skincare routine, micellar water with a cotton round. i should be impressed with how well he knows my skincare routine, but i'm sure his eidetic memory helps. besides, he's watched me do this countless times over our years together.

after micellar water comes my serums, and just the cold feeling of those on my skin is enough to help jolt me back to reality. and that paired with spencers hands all over my skin makes for the most blissful feeling.

"you're doing so good for me, love," spencer coos, leaning down to press a soft kiss on my neck. "almost done, okay? then we can do whatever you want. we can lay down in bed or go watch something downstairs or sit outside. whatever you want." he finishes off my skincare with a kiss on my nose, moving everything off the bed and back into the bathroom. "okay, doll face, what do you wanna do? do you wanna stay here or go downstairs?"

spencer kneels in front of me once again, placing his hands on my thighs and waiting patiently for me to respond. my mind is still jumbled though and speaking a full sentence still seems like a challenge. so i just shrug. i want to lay in bed but i'm starving because i haven't eaten since lunch but i also want to be alone but i also want to sit on the couch with spencer and watch a movie. so i just shrug.

"okay," spencer sighs. "are you hungry? i know it's late but i don't want you to go to bed hungry." i nod. "alright then. i can make you something to eat. let's head downstairs. do you wanna try and walk? or just let me carry you?"

i don't have it in me to verbally respond, so i just start getting to my feet shakily, holding onto spencer's arm for support. he stands protectively behind me as we walk down the stairs, making sure i don't fall or sway.

getting to the kitchen is a relief and i immediately collapse into a barstool, putting my head in my hands and closing my eyes. i only open my eyes when i hear a glass being put in front of me. spencer gave me a glass of water and had already started cooking something on the stove. he starts talking quietly while i sip my water, telling me about his classes today and something his student said in a paper he graded. he makes sure not to ask me any questions or crack any jokes and i'm so thankful for that. he's always so amazing to me when i've come out of a panic attack.

"here you go, my love," he slides a plate in front of me containing a grilled cheese sandwich and a cup of tomato soup. he knows this is my favorite comfort food. "how about we go sit on the couch while you eat? sound good?"

i nod once more and get to my feet, grabbing the plate with my less shaky hands and waddling into the living room. i sit down on a couch cushion and put my plate on my lap, waiting for spencer to sit beside me and put the recliner up. i put my feet up so we're sharing a recliner, flinching slightly when the tv turns on at a loud volume, spencer immediately turns it down.

i eat my food very slowly and rest my head on spencer shoulder. eating something feels amazing and it already makes me feel better. i went most of my day with an empty stomach and that doesn't do good things for my mood.

"i'm done," i announce slowly, sitting up to put my plate on the coffee table. "thank you."

"of course," spencer pulls me closer to his chest and kisses the top of my head. "feeling better?"

"yeah."

"do you wanna talk about it? or keep being distracted?"

i think about it for a second. being distracted by my skincare and then eating and the tv has been working wonders. but i always feel better after i've let out my emotions so maybe if i do, i'll feel better faster. acknowledging feelings is always a hard thing for spencer and i, but we have both agreed that we feel better after talking them out. it's such a hard thing, to verbalize bad thoughts, but it is what needs to be done.

"i was just," i pause, letting my eyes close as my head falls against spencer's chest. i can hear his heartbeat so clearly. "it was a bad day. everyone was so upset but i was too but they kept venting to me. and then my friends and i went out to this club and people kept grabbing me and it was so crowded and they were being rude. it was too much. i'm sorry i got so overwhelmed."

"you don't need to apologize, sweet face. it's okay to get overwhelmed. you know that i get overwhelmed all the time. i shut down too. it's totally okay. and i'm always gonna be here for you if you feel like that."

"thank you," i repeat. "can we go to bed? i wanna go to sleep, i think."

"yeah," spencer nods and reaches for my plate, taking it off my lap and getting to his feet. "i'm gonna go put this in the sink and shut off all the lights and i'll be right up, okay?" he presses a kiss to my forehead before rushing off to the kitchen, leaving me to push myself off the couch and head towards the stairs.

i can hear his feet against the hardwood floors, moving across every room to turn off the lights before we go to bed. i'm only halfway up the stairs when spencer gets to my side, placing his hand on my hips and following me up.

"i'm sorry," i say once more, despite spencer telling me not to, "for taking you away from your work."

"i finished, actually. i didn't come out of my office when i heard the door open because i was just putting the last grade into the system. you didn't take me away from anything," he tells me, reaching around me to open the bedroom door. i quickly collapse onto the bed, curling up on my side and turning towards spencer.

he pulls the duvet from under me and covers my body up to my chin, climbing in beside me and placing his hand on my hip. he wiggles his other hand under my neck and pulls me closer until my head is in the crook of his neck and shoulder, warm skin making beads of sweat gather on my hairline.

"thank you," i whisper, "for taking care of me and being so nice."

"i hear what you're saying," spencer sighs, brushing his hand through my hair for the millionth time, "but you're saying it like an apology, like me taking care of you is a burden. it's not, okay? i hate seeing you so upset and having a panic attack and i'll do anything to make you happy."

i take a deep breath and try to truly listen to his words. it's a struggle, but after reminding myself over and over in my head that i'm not a burden, i nod. "okay."

"okay, baby," spencer presses a kiss to my nose, bringing the first smile to my face of the day, "get some sleep. i'll be right here when you wake up. i love you so," he kisses my lips, "so," kiss, "so," kiss, "so much."

i follow the motion of his head backwards when he gives the last kiss, craving another. "kiss me again, please."

"what my lady wants, she gets," spencer chuckles and kisses me again, his lips so light against mine that i start to question if this is an actual kiss. he's so sweet with his kisses yet so generous, leaving kiss after kiss on my probably chapped lips and dragging his fingers against my cheek. he pulls away and brings his fingers down my jaw and to my neck, resting there as he kisses me just once more. "now get some sleep, sweetheart. i love you."

"i love you too, spencer. thank you." but this time, i don't say it as an apology. spencer is more satisfied with this now because he throws his head into the pillow and lets his eyes close. i follow suit, cuddling up to his arm and letting myself drift off, pushed down by the weight of my panic attack and my horrible day. but being with spencer makes any pain feel so much better, so despite how hectic my mind was a few hours ago, i fall asleep quicker than ever in his arms.