After

Kit felt something slide down his face and brought his hand up - wetness. Dazed, he looked at it.

It was not blood or come, he realised. It was tears.

Kit hadn't cried for 10 years. When his mother died he had told himself that he didn't deserve to cry. When his uncle died he had chosen to focus on revenge and repress everything else. Then he had though only about surviving, not showing weakness.

"I'm free," he whispered, staring at the wetness on his hand and feeling the fat tears slide down his face, another sob wrecking his body.

Devlin's corpse was still warm against him - head caved in, mushy bright red. It had not exploded into a cloud of dust or goo - whatever powers had turned him into a vampire and sustained his eternal life in exchange for blood had left him now.

Twitching. Just like a human.

Someone was trying to move him away from Devlin's body and press down on his wounds.

Kit's emotions came back to him in a rush, snapping him out of his daze. He didn't know if he felt relief or sorrow - joy or excruciating pain.

Throwing his head back, he howled. His human throat couldn't form the noise as well as his wolf could, but he didn't care.

He howled and thrashed and and cried while countless hands - his pack, familiar scents around him - tried to hold him down and put pressure on his wounds.

Kit was still screaming when the last of his strength fled and he collapsed in a sticky pool of his own warm blood. Everything went dark.

"...If you're ready for me boy, you better pu-ush the button and let me know..."

The voice sounded like a bear being strangled. Not that he had ever heard a bear being strangled, per say, but Kit was pretty sure this would be what it sounded like.

"...Push-Push the but-ton..."

His limbs felt like they were weighed down with lead. With immense effort, he opened his mouth.

Kit groaned. "God, stop it," he croaked, barely recognising his even-raspier-than-usual voice.

"Urgh. Your voice is terrible..." He coughed. "Really, Darren."

The first thing he saw when he opened his crusted eyes was white. White linens and white walls. White, clean bandages all over him.

Darren grinned. "Glad to see you too."

"Are you?" Kit stared at him. "Are you really?"

"'Course I am. You scared us all shitless, getting shot like that."

Even Dan? Kit wanted to ask. Was he scared for me?

"How bad is it?" he said instead.

"Not as bad as it looks, considering it was silver. Cuts were clean and didn't need stitches, and the shot just missed your collarbone, exiting through the shoulder."

Kit noticed belatedly that his left arm was bound in a sling across his chest.

"Shot cracked a few ribs and punctured the top of your lung, but the doctors said there wasn't much damaged tissue - it will heal in maybe 6-8 weeks."

Darren paused and looked at him.

"They had to give you blood and treat you for shock, and you had a concussion. But that should be gone now - only the cuts that touched silver will heal slowly."

"Why are you here? Why bring me to a hospital at all? I thought you didn't trust me," Kit rasped.

"Because I get it now. And... I figure maybe you suffered enough."

"Wow, who'd have known you were such a softie."

"When I saw that bastard cutting you up into ribbons it dawned on me that you took off to guard us from that crazy vampire. We could have stood 'tween you and him - we would have. But you left, and you didn't tell us why - let us think the worst of you instead - to protect us. You were protecting us from him."

The tall, scruffy werewolf looked at him with something like respect and fondness. It was highly disconcerting.

"So, I forgive you for being an asshole. Because that's what you do with your own."

With your own.

Kit looked away, blinking. Darren smiled, reaching out to ruffle his hair.

"We all heard you claim us as your pack."

"Ah, shit."

"And saw you shield us with your body from those silver bullets."

"Stop it."

"So even though you sure are one tough cookie...it seems like you got a heart after all -

"Don't say it."

"And it's ours! Well - my brother's. Right?"

Kit pressed his lips together. He could no longer deny it.

"Has he...has Dan been here at all?"

"He will be here soon, I already called him. But no, he's stayed away until now - although everyone else in the pack have been on shifts. You haven't been alone."

Kit's heart sank in his chest. Dan had not been here...of course not. It had been too much to hope for.

"But you know why, right?" Darren continued, oblivious.

"He's just beating himself up like an idiot! Too conscientious by far, that dumbass. He's all 'It's my fault Charlie got injured and almost died. He was trying to run from me, trying to protect us and I'm the one that dragged him back here' -"

"Wait! Wait. He...doesn't hate me?"

"That's what I said."

"But I'm a criminal."

"Yeah."

"And I put his family in danger."

"Sure."

"And I'm an addict and a total slut."

"Just part of your charm, Char- I mean, Kit. God, that'll take some getting used to, that name. Suits you, though," he added quickly when he saw Kit frown.

"But seriously Ch - Kit. Dan would forgive you anything. You're his mate!"

"You keep saying that, but what does it really mean?"

"His mate. Like Morgan and Justin. Two parts of a whole and other sappy shit. He wouldn't have gone too all that trouble, gone to get you, helped you like you were family, loved you even after you shot him...if you weren't special, right? If you weren't the one? Don't you feel it too? Or are you still in denial?"

When Dan walked in not 10 min after Darren had left, Kit still sat with his mouth agape, dumb-struck.

He had not had enough time to sort through his feelings. Every time he though about Dan his stomach did a flip. But he also felt exhausted, guilty - for so many things everything - and sad.

Emotions that he had spent years pushing down were threatening to come up to the surface.

Devlin's death had given a new chance at life. And from what Darren had told him, the pack would be willing to accept him. But Kit still brought all his baggage with him. And he had no idea how Dan felt now, or what he wanted from Dan...

I love him.

Kit could no longer deny the feeling inside himself. But love had always brought him pain...was it worth it, trying to convince Dan to trust him again? To maybe...love him again?

Then he forgot about everything else when Dan walked through the doorway and came up to his bedside, immediately enveloping him in a soft, warm hug.

All his muscles relaxed and he closed his eyes. There is nothing else - only this.

Warmth and the smell of soap and fabric softener. Large, strong, gentle arms around him. When Kit made no move to hug him back, Dan pulled away, and Kit nearly whined out loud.

"I need to tell you something," Dan said, looking down at his big, callused hands, voice low and gruff. "I...just need you to know."

"What?" Kit couldn't help his defensive tone.

Last time they had sat next to each other, Kit had been wrapped up in duct tape instead of bandages, and Dan had believed him to be a criminal beyond redemption. Maybe he still did. Just because Darren forgave him, didn't mean Dan did.

"I want you to know that I love you."

Kit flinched. What?

"I know you might not want to hear it - after what I did. After I brought you back here against your will and made you reveal your past... I have no right to love you. But - I do."

"Is it my pheromones?" Kit snapped. Surely he couldn't really... "They shouldn't be affecting you."

"I am affected. Right now, my head is spinning. I can barely keep my hands off you."

"But your olfactory system is completely busted..."

Dan lowered his head down onto Kit's shoulder, a heavy comforting weight, stubble scratching his skin.

"You do this to me. Not your pheromones. You do."

His breath was ragged, voice low and deep.

"Christopher... Let me treat you to pie every Sunday. Let me leave a spare key for you. Let me wake up beside you every morning. Let me spoil you, love you...live my life with you. Please, let me."

Kit's head spun. His own breathing sounded loud and ragged in his ears.

"How could you possibly forgive me? Knowing all the things I've done..."

"I've killed people too - in the army. And rouge werewolves three years ago, and those attackers last week. I did it because I believed it was the right thing to do at the time. So if you killed someone that threatened your family - or your safety - or because you had to obey that vampire in order to survive - then I won't hold it against you. Not on any matter of principal."

"Do you even know what it's like living with an addict?" Kit forced the words out, swallowing hard. He had to make sure Dan knew, really knew.

"I'll never not be one. It'll always be my closest exit, my first instinct, the thing I resort to when things get rough. Something I can resist in good moments, but turn to in bad. And as much as I love you... in those moments, I might love a fix more."

"I know there will be hard times. But they will be a little bit less bad if we go through them together. And I will always be there for you, as long as you'll have me. I promise."

"How can you love someone like this?" Kit whispered. "Like me?"

"I don't blame you. Now that I know what you went through... I wasn't there either, you know. When my family was threatened. When my nephew was held prisoner. When my brother was alone."

Dan took a deep breath and gazed steadily at Kit, holding his hand gently.

"I wasn't there. And they are still alive but if things had gone down differently and they were dead... I can't say - I honestly don't know what I'd have done."

He brought Kit's fingers to his lips and kissed them. His lips were dry and very, very soft.

"You got your revenge and I chose to try to heal and rebuild - but I was never sure I made the right choice. And I don't blame you for the choice you made. I don't blame you, Christopher."

"I wasn't lying when I said I'm too messed up to function in society, Dan! You can't save me by loving me... This is the way I am..."

Tears were filling up his eyes again. It was like a floodgate had opened, and now he couldn't stop them.

"I know. I like you the way you are. I don't think you need saving. Help maybe, or just support while you help yourself. Listen to me, Christopher. I've made up my mind. So if you want to leave, you can go."

Kit felt the blood rush out of his face. "What?"

"If you want to go, then go. If you want to spend the summers as a wolf in the Rockies, then I'll keep my house warm for you in the winters. If you ask me to move - I'll follow you anywhere.

"And even if you leave and I never see you again, it won't make any difference. Because I will still be yours."

Dan squeezed his hand and looked him squarely in the eyes.

"So you can choose - choose freely, Kit. Whatever you choose... there is no-one else for me. No matter what, I'm yours. I love you, Christopher Callaghan. If you want my help, you'll always have it. But you don't need saving... in my eyes you're already perfect."

Kit stared at him, mouth agape, frozen. His heart pounded.

"Wh-What?" was all he managed.

Dan chuckled weakly. "I think this might be the first time I've ever saw you speechless."

He grew serious, his brown eyes regarding Kit. He smiled a sad half-smile.

"Take some time to think on it, okay?" he said. "At least... at least come say goodbye, if you do decide to leave town."

Then, as if doubting whether Kit really would, he leaned over and pressed a hard, fierce kiss on the younger man's mouth.

He pulled back before Kit could do more than close his eyes.

Then he walked away, leaving the small wolf sitting there, frozen in place.

A week later, in the evening, Darren showed up to check him out of the hospital. He waited while Kit slowly put on a cheap, new button-up shirt and his old (washed) blood-stained jeans and sneakers over his many dressings and bandages, one arm in a sling to keep his injured shoulder still.

His chest and shoulder ached, and the cuts along his front and back stung. They were healing well. Kit had been very lucky - and he knew it.

When they finally got into the truck, night was already falling. Frost glittered on the road.

They spent the 90 minute drive to Darren's house in silence. Once there, Kit found his things spread out on the couch. Apparently Morgan and Justin no longer wanted him as a house guest - and he couldn't really blame them.

The house was just as messy as last time, only now three old german shepherds greeted them in a mess of dog hair and drool. Darren cracked them both a beer - which Kit really shouldn't accept in his condition, but did anyway - and they took a seat in front of the fireplace, drinking and staring into space.

Three beers in, Kit finally broke the silence.

"Dan said he loves me and wants to be with me..."

"I figured it'd be something like that." Darren burped. "Well, it's his funeral."

"But. But, I'm... Me!"

"Yeah, you are a bit of a cunt alright."

"Fuck you, Darren. How could he say that - after I lied to him, put his pack in danger, broke the law, slept with his brother - "

"Yeah - you almost raped me!"

Kit groaned and buried his head in his hands. "God, it sound even worse when you say it like that. I'm a bastard."

"Well. You want sympathy - go get Morgan or something. I ain't good at sugarcoating."

"I noticed." Kit paused. "I like that about you," he admitted, grudgingly.

"Point is, despite the face that you are a lying, manipulative son-of-a-bitch I still think you're worth having around, and so does my idiot brother. So do we all."

Kit felt something warm and tender swell in his chest, and hurried to disguise it.

"Well, although as you're a crass, disagreeable piece of shit yourself I actually don't mind your company that much - "

He yelped as Darren lunged for him, drawing him into a gentle headlock before messing up his hair and releasing him.

"The fuck?!"

"That's for being annoying."

"Fuck you. I mean, ugh, sorry. So why does Dan - "

"He loves you. You're his mate, even if he can't smell it and you're too damn daft to realise. It's obvious."

"You just think so because you're more beast than human in either shape."

"Oh, ouch."

Kit glanced at the guitar on it's stand in the corner. His emotions were still warring inside him, but they all screamed one thing. Dan. And his instincts agreed.

The only things holding him back now were his own guilt and shame.

"C'mon then."

"What?" Darren asked.

Kit picked up the guitar with one hand and tossed it to Darren. "We're going serenading."

10 minutes later they pulled up outside of Dan's wooden bungalow, surrounded by pitch dark woods.

It was nearly midnight and all the lights were off.

"What song then?" Darren grumbled, looking about as reluctant and embarrassed as anyone shanghaied into serenading his own brother might be expected to look, as he slung the guitar strap over his shoulders and tested the tuning.

"There is only possible choice. Sappy and romantic. Loud and clear. Start with a C-G-Am7-C chord progression, and follow my lead. Let's go wake him up."

"This has got to be the most embarrassing ass thing I've ever done..." Darren mumbled, reluctantly shuffling his long legs after Kit, as they made their way up to the house to stand outside the bedroom windows.

"Haven't you got any shame?"

Kit grinned. "Don't you already know the answer to that?"

"I can't fight this feeeeling anymooooore!

I've forgotten what I started fighting fooooor....

It's time to bring this ship intoooo the shooore,

And throw awaaay the oooors, foreeeever!"

Dan's shutters flew open. A very tousled head struck out the window. Kit waved at it with his one non-bandaged arm.

"Morning, Dan!" he yelled.

"It's not even midnight," Dan croaked. Kit noticed that he slept topless, wearing only pyjama bottoms. Flannel, of course.

"Keep playing," he hissed at Darren, who grimaced but bobbed his head. His guitar playing, soft and on tune, was really quite good.

"'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore," Kit sang more gently, focusing on his voice and breathing. He let the words spill out into the cold night air, melodic and expressive, slightly raspy around the edges.

Focusing on Dan's brown eyes, watching him, sleep fading from them now.

"I've forgotten what I started fighting for...

And if I have to crawl upon the floor,

Come crashing through your door,

Baby I can't fight this feeling anymooore..."

('Push the button' - Sugababes)

('Can't fight this feeling' - REO Speedwagon)