《The Girl They Won't Forget》Smoke and Shadows, Part 1
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Wow, I can't believe it's taken me this long to get to my story... That last time I updated, I was only 18! Now I'm the ripe old age of 21.... which means slightly more ✨mature✨ content. But only slightly. I hope you're all taking care of yourselves in these weird and rough times and staying safe! Now, without further ado, we continue our adventure.
"Are you sure you're okay to travel?" Katara asked. She sat beside me as I laid in bed, my baby girl swaddled in her arms. We'd been stationed in my makeshift nursery for the night, making our way back to the Fire Nation with Ursa and her new family. Katara, being the amazing friend that she had always been, stayed by my side as I adjusted to motherhood. She sat, rocking Akira in her arms, as I'd taken a nap.
"Well, we're already on the ship," I replied with a short laugh. I let out a loud yawn as I stretched my body, then sat upright. "It's a little late for a question like that."
"Well, I know," Katara said gently as Akira cooed in her arms. "It just felt really soon. Do you plan on staying in the palace?"
"Well, why wouldn't I?" I stood from the bed, stretching once more. "The Fire Nation is still my home, Katara," I said. "The palace, oddly enough, is my home."
"And what about Bao?"
I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldn't find the words. I hadn't thought much about my husband since my confession to Mika, who had opted to travel alone for reasons she refused to share. I don't know where the doubt in my relationship stemmed ― perhaps it had always been there. Bao and I had never truly had a solid relationship in retrospect, and I don't know if I could confidently say that I even loved him. I sighed. "I don't know, Katara," I said, running my hands through my hair. "I don't want to think about Bao right now." I reached out and Katara gently assisted me in placing my baby in the sling across my chest she'd taught me to tie. I looked down at her tiny puffy face as she slept. "My only concern right now is that we all return home safely."
When I looked up, Katara had a worried look on her face. "I just want to make sure you know what you're doing," she said quietly.
"Don't I always?" I replied half-heartedly. "Actually, don't answer that. Come on, let's go out onto the deck and get some fresh air."
She nodded and led the way through the ship's corridors. As soon as we opened the door, we were met with the salty smell of the sea. It was a smell that I knew all too well, and yet I never grow tired of it. I felt a small smile creep onto my face as I joined the group on the deck, covering Akira's face with her ever so slightly with the palm of my hand. Katara joined her brother at the railing of the ship, watching the flying dolphin-fishes travel alongside us. I could hear Aang's and Kiyi's gleeful shouts from the water as Katara and Sokka bickered, as usual. My smile grew a little wider. I looked down at Akira once again, gently stroking her cheek with the back of my finger. "You're so precious. So little," I whispered. "You have such an amazing family around you, and I can't wait for you to know them." My smile fell quickly. How am I going to protect you? I thought. I froze, pressing my lips together. I don't know what I'm doing. Oh, Spirits, I don't want to mess this up.
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I heard Zuko's voice call out behind me, snapping out of my thoughts. "The captain says we're only a day away from the main island!" I turned to see him and his mother, Ursa, emerging onto the deck with her husband Noren following closely behind. Zuko laid eyes on me and smiled, which I tried to mirror. They all joined me, Zuko standing by my side and wrapping an arm around me. "So much has changed, Mother," he said excitedly. "We can't wait to show you around."
Ursa looked at her son, then to me, and back to Zuko again with a grin. She reached for his face, brushing his hair from in front of his scar. "You still get that sparkle in your eyes when you're excited, Zuko," Ursa beamed. "Just like when you were little."
"Mom, please," Zuko blushed. He moved his hand from his face. "I'm the Fire Lord now."
"Oh, of course." Ursa's smile fell slightly as she muttered, "Sorry."
"Don't let that serious act fool you," I interjected. Giving him a light nudge, I said with a slight smirk, "Underneath the dour monarch exterior, he's still the sweet boy you remember." Zuko's face reddened more, making both Ursa and I laugh.
"Oh, no," Ursa chuckled, "Zuko isn't a boy anymore. I'd say he's blossomed into a wonderful young man." At this, Zuko finally smiled.
"It'll be great to finally have you home again," Zuko said to his mother. He looked at me again and smiled. "I'm gonna go see what Aang and the others are up to. Do you want to join me?"
"Sure," I nodded. I followed him towards our friends. Sokka was on his butt in front of Appa, who appeared to have drenched Sokka in slobber. Sokka shouted and waved his arms around, gagging and shouting the words "Icky!" and "Oogie!". I couldn't help but laugh as we approached.
"Sokka, be quiet!" Katara reprimanded him as she bent the drool from her brother. "You're being dramatic."
"I am not being dramatic, Katara!" Sokka shouted back. "It's slimy!"
"You're being just a little dramatic, Sokka," I laughed.
As Katara bent the bison's drool into the water, Sokka stood up and ran towards me with arms wide open for a hug. Once he was within arms reach, he came to an immediate halt and pointed at my daughter. "I forgot that you had that," he said, eyeing Akira as if to investigate her.
"She's a baby, Sokka. Not a that," I said, uncovering her face. "And she has a name: Akira. Honestly, Sokka, I understand it's only been a day but I was pregnant for nine months. I'm not really sure how you can forget that."
Disregarding what I had said, he looked in the direction of Aang and Kiyi, who were still having the grandest time riding the flying dolphin-fishes in the sea. Sokka frowned and shouted, arms gesturing towards them, "Why does Kiyi get to have all the fun?" His sister quickly replied, "Because you just complained that they're too slimy, Sokka."
Overhearing our conversation, Ursa gasped, "Kiyi?" Her eyes darted, following Sokka's gestures, and focused on her young daughter and Aang. Her shouts rang out again, this time petrified. "Kiyi!"
She ran to the railing, and Katara followed behind trying comfort her. "Don't worry, Ursa," Katara said. "She's perfectly safe with Aang. He―" But her words were of no use. Ursa cupped her hands around her mouth, sounding panicked as she shouted, "Kiyi! Come back!"
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Without hesitation, Aang scooped up the six-year-old and his airbending to leap back onto the ship, gently setting her down. Aang immediately began to apologize profusely. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I promise, Kiyi wasn't ever in danger!"
Again, Ursa wasn't listening. She tightly wrapped her arms around her daughter, falling to her knees, and repeated, "I can't lose you! I can't! I can't!" To which Kiyi responded, "Let go! Let go! Let me go!" as she fought to escape her mother's grasp. Once she'd freed herself, she hid behind her father, Noren. Kiyi, clinging onto Noren's clothing, looked at Ursa in fear. "Daddy, I wanna go downstairs," she pleaded.
Noren picked up his daughter and she whined as she buried her face into his neck. He glanced down at Ursa with a worried look on his face. "All right, honey," he said to Kiyi after a long silence. "Whatever you want."
There was a long pause of silence as Noren and his daughter disappeared behind the door to the chambers. Zuko and I looked at one another, and he immediately joined his mother on his knees and wrapped his arms around her. "Just give her time," he told her gently. He held his hand out for her and assisted her to her feet.
"I know," Ursa sighed. She said with a sad chuckle, "Not every little girl has to deal with her mother changing faces."
"Ursa, I'm so sorry I worried you," Aang apologized again. "But believe me, flying dolphin-fishes are among the gentlest creatures in the world!"
The former Fire Lady put up a hand, discouraging any more apologies. "No, Avatar," she said. She shook her head slowly, eyes cast down as if shameful. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I'm embarrassed that I overreacted like that." She paused. "Now, if you'll excuse me..." And without further explanation, she turned her back to us and made her way to the opposite side of the ship, leaning against the railing with her arms wrapped around herself.
The group and I stood in another long silence, unsure of what to say. Even Akira, now awakened by the excitement, remained quiet. Again, Zuko and I exchange glances, having an unspoken discussion. Go, I silent urged. She's your mother. Talk to her.
He shook his head, as if to say, I don't know what to say.
Out loud, I replied, "I'll try to talk to her."
Katara put a hand on my shoulder. "I think she might want to be alone," she suggested. "She's been through a lot in such a short time."
"Exactly," I said. "All the more reason to be with her." And with that, I followed Ursa. For a moment, I simply stood there without speaking. As usual, I hadn't thought this plan through. What exactly was I supposed to say? I hadn't seen this woman since I was eleven, and suddenly, nearly eight years later, I'm face to face with her once again with endless emotions and questions. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. I tried again, but Ursa spoke before I had the chance. "You shouldn't have the baby so close to the edge," she said quietly, eyes still fixated on the water as it crashed against the sides of the ship. "It isn't safe."
"I-... You're right," I said in a nervous hush. As if on cue, Akira began to whine and cry. My stomach dropped. I had been told by Katara and Suki that I would develop 'motherly instincts' during my pregnancy, and even more so once I'd given birth. But I couldn't seem to tap into those instincts at all. All I could think was to rock her, but it did no good. Frustrated, I nearly began to cry myself.
"You'll get the hang of it," Ursa said. She was facing me now. With a warm smile, she said, "It's all very confusing in the beginning."
"That's an understatement," I said, voice breaking. "I have no idea what I'm doing."
Ursa gently laid a hand on my shoulder and said, "Come with me."
In my chambers, Ursa stood at my table against the wall, mixing something in a bowl. Akira's cries had become piercing shrieks, and I was suddenly grateful for the ship's thick metal walls and doors for the sake of the others. At this point, tears were beginning to build up in my own eyes. "Please, Akira," I begged. "Please stop crying. I don't know what you want. You were just find moments ago."
With a soft laugh, Ursa advised, "That isn't going to work, Saki. You can't negotiate or reason with an infant." She turned around and sat beside me with the bowl in her hands. "She's just hungry." She then took a scoop of the mush in the bowl with a spoon, handing it to me. As I began to put it to my daughter's lips, Ursa gave light laugh. "It isn't for her," she said. "She's took young, honey. It's for you. To help you produce milk faster. You have to breastfeed her." I took a bite of the mushy concoction, gagging as it slid down my throat.
Again, Ursa laughed. "It isn't the tastiest, but it works." She gently pushed my hair behind my shoulders and helped me properly hold Akira to feed her. And within minutes, the mixture began to work. I winced as she began to suckle. "It hurts the first time, but you'll get used to it."
"I'm already such a horrible mother," I whispered sadly, choking back tears. "I don't even know how to feed my own baby."
"Oh, no," Ursa hushed sympathetically, caressing my hair and back. "You'll be a wonderful mother. It just takes time."
There was a long pause. I felt her emotions shift to guilt. Softly, looking down at Akira as she silently fed, I said, "Things are different now."
"Saki..."
I went on. "The palace, I mean. Things are different," I looked up at her. "They really are. Zuko has made so many changes. It actually feels like it could be a home now. And I know that you might scared or nervous, or maybe you're worried about Kiyi. But either way, he can't hurt you anymore."
Ursa said more sharply, "Saki!" I closed my mouth. She sighed, "I don't want to talk about that right now, please. Please, Saki, can we talk about anything else?"
I paused, looking at my daughter who was now done feeding. Ursa helped me to set her up to burp her.
"Is she Zuko's?" Ursa asked me.
"N-No," I shook my head. "Although, I almost wish that she was."
"Why?"
I shook my head again. I said shortly, "I don't really want to talk about that either." Once Akira burped, I adjusted her so that she was laying in the sling to go to sleep again. We sat there again, not speaking. Unsure of what to say or how to say it.
"Your parents would be proud of you, Saki. You've grown to be so strong. Both you and Zuko," Ursa finally said with a smile. Her smile slowly faded soon after, following this with, "And it's my fault that you had to. For that, I can't apologize enough."
"Don't apologize," I told her. "You did what needed to be done. I would've done the same thing."
"Maybe so." Ursa tilted her head, lightly cupping my cheek in her hand. "But I hope that you never do." Her hands were ice cold, sending chills throughout my body. Seeing this, she pulled her hand away and stood up from my bed. Picking the bowl up with her and walking towards my door, she said without looking at me, "Get some rest, Saki. You'll both need it."
And with that, she exited. A solemn look on her face.
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