Van:

"Goodnight! Thanks so much for having us!" I shoved the guitar back and reached for my earpiece, moving to exit the stage. Larry passed by me with a single clap on the back, hurrying to help the other tech guys.

I wiped the sweat from my face, moving my head side to side and wincing when my neck gave the most concerning crack. Bondy let out a giant sigh as he crashed onto the old sofa, twisting the cap off a water bottle. All four of us exchanged grins, because this was it. An entire arena of people had paid and sang our songs back to us. I felt limitless.

I wiped my nose and let the people fuss around me, feeling someone help take my guitar from me to pack up for later. All I could do was smile thanks because each person passed by in single blur, I barely remembered the lad who offered to get us water.

I was itching for a smoke and a drink, my mouth dry even after two waters. I moved my shoulders back and followed Bondy out the back of the venue, where we were bombarded by a group of people holding posters with our faces taped on them. One fellow played a rendition of Hourglass while I posed with people for pictures, unnerved by the fact that they called themselves our fans.

"If anything I'm your fan, thanks for coming. So much." I told a group of girls who looked at each other while reddening. I glanced up at Benji and Bob, who had joined us seconds ago and were busy scrolling their names on posters.

"Van! Van!" I heard my name come from everywhere, hands pulling me towards different directions. A buff security guy appeared at my side in moments, yanking hands away.

"No need for that mate." I said quietly, secretly glad he'd intervened.

We were outside with our fans for two hours at least, and when all was done I felt like my body was too heavy, my hand cramped from grasping onto markers to sign things and my arms actually kind of sore from hugging.

"I can't believe I'm actually tired from that. Meeting people."

"I know. Mate we're aging."

"You're aging." I shot back at Bondy. "I feel like I've been born again, weird isn't it?"

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Carmen:

"I feel like I'm dying." I hugged myself as Katherine jogged in place.

"We've only ran for ten minutes."

"Why are you like this? Why did I say yes to this?"

"Because exercise helps release endorphins, which makes you happy. And you could use that." Katherine tightened her ponytail. I had no idea when she'd turned into a fitness guru.

"I think I'm doing better, really." I responded.

"Better with what? Carmen you haven't even been able to say his name. It's been a month already."

"I can't....I can't just go from not ok to ok in a couple of days."

"It's been way more than a couple of days. Come on Carmen."

"Katherine, I'm done thinking about Van. I swear." His name felt foreign leaving my mouth. I studied my shoes and then straightened up. "It's done, that's it. He's moved on, I've moved on."

Katherine looked at me for a full minute. "Why'd you buy their album then?"

"I-I don't know what you're talking about."

"You fell asleep yesterday with your laptop open and their album playing. Carmen!"

I exhaled loudly. "I liked their music. I can't stop liking it just because"-

"Why do you do that? You love torturing yourself don't you? I could never do that, especially if some of those songs remind me of my ex. Cause they're written by my ex and he's singing them."

I chewed my lip and looked around the street. The sun was setting and no cars passed, everything was still.

The truth was that listening to the album was a form of torture. Torture mixed with sweet nostalgia and I don't know, I guess I really did have it out for myself. Because in every word and every melody I felt my heart pulled by the real life memories I lived with Van and I connected the songs to us, or what had been us.

"It's helping me get over him."

"Let's go back to the apartment, I'm starved." Katherine swung an arm around my shoulders and though we were sweaty and gross I still felt some degree of grateful.

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Ever since the robbery Jesse had been extra cautious of the apartment, even getting an alarm set up. She called to see if I was there because now she didn't like being alone there much. When I wasn't she'd go hide out at her boyfriend's, staying the night every time she did.

Katherine now spent more time at my place because Jesse wasn't around, but I felt like I couldn't chastise her for it cause she had let me stay at her place for a bit. Lately I was striving to not be alone in the apartment much either, so it wasn't that bad either. It was a nice distraction from thinking too much about Van.

Work was a nice distraction. Zach was a nice distraction. Not in that sense, but he joked with me more, he told me dumb stories and got me coffee whenever he could. Whenever Ella had meetings and it was just the two of us, Zach would move the trash can near the door smack in the middle of our desks and we'd have a contest to see who could throw more trash into the can without having to stretch. Whoever lost had to buy the winner a burger.

I didn't tell Katherine much about Zach because I knew she'd berate me to develop something more with him, when in reality I didn't think about it. I didn't want to think about being in a relationship at all.

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Jesse was staying the night at her boyfriend's again, so Katherine stretched out onto the sofa and asked if she could borrow pjs because she didn't feel like making the drive back to her place. I said sure.

She scratched the side of her face, glancing up at me and then at her phone.

"What?"

"Nothing, just....talking to Benji."

I looked at the television, not even listening to what the characters in the movie were saying. "Oh."

"Carmen you need to hook up with someone. Maybe that's the final thing you need to fully get over Van."

"Don't be dumb." I said quietly.

"I'm just saying, a new crush"-

"Katherine, why are you still talking about this? Like I get that you're trying to help or whatever, but I know what I'm saying when I tell you I don't need a new crush."

"On to the next one you know?" She responded. "Besides you don't think Van hasn't moved on yet?"

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Van:

"Listen...you're a class girl, but I-I'm not looking for anything."

"I'm not looking for anything either." She smiled, tucking some of her hair behind her ear. I looked around helplessly, noticing that all the guys had somehow found a girl to hang around with. Bondy met my gaze and nodded, swinging an arm around the girl next to him. "I love your music. I think my favorite lyric's from Kathleen, you call me up with a head full of filth." She grinned, inching closer.

"Oh really, why is that?" I asked distractedly, remembering my muse for that bit.

"It's so original." She whispered into my ear. Her coconut perfume tickled my nose, and her hand made it's way to my knee.

"I really oughtta not." I mumbled, scooting away.

"Come on, I won't tell if you won't. Besides, you'll never see me again anyways."

All the guys were doing their own thing, none seeming troubled. Besides, it's not like I had anything tying me down anyways. I was free to do as I pleased, with no one to have to give answers to.

And that oddly pissed me off. I stood up, ignoring the girl's questions and walking straight to the bar.

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Abby: How's the tour life?

Wild

Abby: I miss my drinking mate

I don't miss you calling me an arse every five seconds

Abby: I say it with love :)

Abby: When are you gonna be popping back around here?

Dunno, maybe a month or two

Abby: Where are you?

Spain

Abby: I SHOULD'VE GONE WITH YOU

We're not around for long, we're leaving day after tomorrow

Abby: Where's the last stop on your tour?

Los Angeles

Abby: Maybe I'll come up and surprise you, been pretty bland here

I set the phone down, taking a deep breath and stretching. Responding to Abby now had me thinking all types of things. Our last stop was Los Angeles. How bloody damn ironic. It was like fate was deliberately fucking me over. It was a big city, it's not like I'd run into her. I kinda hoped I did, but that was a whole other thing. Besides, she'd moved on. She was probably getting in with Zach. Maybe that's what she'd wanted all along. Zach was always around, he seemed more reliable. Unlike me.

Fuck.

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Carmen:

"They ran out of creamer." Zach smiled apologetically as he handed me my cup.

"Honestly it's fine. You always bring me coffee, I should start getting you something."

"Well you've been pretty off your game with our little basketball matches so getting free burgers is enough." He sat down at his computer and typed away for a couple of minutes. Ella came inside and cleared her throat loudly.

"I have to tell you guys something, before I tell anyone else." She took a deep breath. "Shit, I haven't even told him yet."

"What's up Ell?" Zach asked.

"I'm leaving the company."

"What? Why?"

"A better postion." She spoke in a tiny voice.

"Ok, that's cool, but what happened to the whole Thredz or bust speech you always gave me?" Zach looked at her in disbelief. "You said you wanted to get this place out there before you even thought of switching to anywhere else."

"It is out there already Zach. We did it. You did it, I did it, and Carmen did it. You said it yourself, we gotta expand our horizons. And that's just what I'm doing. And you'll do it soon, you always talked about wanting to start your own thing, your chance is gonna come up." Ella looked at her nails, huffing. "Besides, we can't devote ourselves to this one thing or who knows where we'll end up?"

"That's sort of the point of PR Ella, you bargain."

"Well I did, and I'm ready to move on."

"James is gonna be so pissed at you." Zach said simply.

"No he's not. Don't be mad for him either. Besides, you know enough about the business, and you got Carmen. And you can hire more people. We are all just temporary." Ella smiled sadly.

I didn't know what to say.

"What is that supposed to mean Ella? Did someone say something?" Zach stood up.

"Of course not, I'm just getting philosophical." She started heading to the door. "I'm gonna go talk to the big man."

She shut the door and left us in silence. Zach stood up, walking towards the window and taking a deep breath. "What's up?" Was all I could think to ask, not moving from my seat.

"It's kind of really sad you know? Ella was like the pioneer PR person, she's been around since forever. And now she's leaving and it's so weird and I don't get it. But she's kinda right, we are all temporary you know?" He shrugged, sitting down. "I'm kind of pissed at her I think."

"You think?"

He laughed lightly. "Yeah, I get it. I figured we would all move on eventually, I just never figured it would start now." He shrugged, fiddling with his phone. "At least we're still here."

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The sun was barely starting to set when I got up to leave the office. It was so cold in here I couldn't wait to step into the muggy July air.

"Got plans?" Zach held the door open for me.

"Nope, what about you?"

He yawned. "Some friends are hosting a birthday party for another friend. I would ditch because I'm tired but then they would yell at me and besides, I love a good party." He paused, sliding his phone in his jacket. "You, uh, wanna come?"

I stopped, hand on my car door. "Oh, uh"-

"It's totally fine if you can't, I just figured"-

"No, um, sure, I'd like to."

"Yeah?" He grinned. "Alright, uh, I'll pick you up if you want, same address right?"

"Sure, sounds good."

I watched him walk to his car parked a couple cars away from mine. This was different, but different was good. Besides it was just a party anyways. This wasn't a date. It wasn't.

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I changed into a more appropriate party outfit, studying myself in the mirror as I swiped on some lip stain.

You don't think Van hasn't moved on yet?

I smoothed my hair back, spritzing perfume on. The image of Van and some other girl came to my mind so fast it was almost physically painful. I slammed the perfume bottle down a little harder than I thought.

He'd moved on. I'd move on. But this wasn't a date.

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Zach guided me with a hand on my back all the way to the door. The house was nice, in one of the best parts of the city. There were a bunch of inflatable pool toys inside, Zach kicking a palm tree out of the way as we stepped inside. He looked at me and shrugged. "Not the weirdest thing I've seen here."

"Zachy boy!" Two guys walked in from a pair of sliding doors to our right, each with their own red cup. "And who's this?"

"Guys, this is my friend Carmen."

"Carmen from work? Zach told us a bit about you. I'm Bryan."

"Jeremy." The other guy said. "Alright kids, well the party's mostly outside. Nicole hasn't blown out the candles yet, you got here just in time."

We followed them out back, where the massive pool area was decorated with string lights and music played as background for the loud conversations coming from everybody. Some people glanced at us, breaking apart from their groups and coming over.

"Zach!"

"Yo!"

I felt a bit intimidated as a more and more people came to say hello, but Zach was relaxed the whole time, introducing me to everybody.

"There she is! The big forty!"

The curly haired girl wearing a giant plastic tiara rolled her eyes. "Shut up. Hi sweetie!" She reached over and hugged me.

"Hi, happy birthday."

"Thanks so much! Can't believe you willingly came with Zach, he's such a fartbag." She shoved him, and then looked past us. "There's food over there, and guess what kind of cake they got me?"

"Oh god, don't say it's"-

"Carrot cake, your favorite!" She laughed. "Does Carmen know about"-

"Do not Nicole." He sounded so serious I had to laugh a little.

"Ohmygod, I'll spill the details once Zach goes to the bathroom or something. Shit, I'll be back." She excused herself and walked towards another pair who seemed to be arriving.

"She seems so sweet. Everyone does actually."

Zach laughed. "I know I'm surprised, they're all actually a bunch of assholes."

I laughed again. "You're so mean."

"I'm kidding. Come on, you want a drink? I'll mix one up for you." I followed him to the makeshift bar area. "I don't mean to brag, but I've got a bit of reputation for mixing up some pretty damn good drinks." He started studying the bottles, grabbing two red cups.

"Sure, make me something good."

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The drink was good, and the atmosphere was so...relaxed. Laughter rang out every two seconds, and I found myself in the middle of a giant group conversation with Zach and Nicole and a whole bunch of their friends. They brought up a lot of embarrassing stories and joked around, making sure to bring me in on the jokes too. Someone turned up the music, a massive dance party ensuing.

"Come on, it's not like we haven't danced before." Zach set his cup down. I felt comfortably buzzed, but not enough to embarrass myself.

"I don't know.."

"Come on, just one." He grabbed my hand and I had no choice but to follow. Zach grinned as we danced. He wasn't a terrible dancer, but something about him made me laugh. I don't know, maybe it was the drink.

By the end of the song we were bumping against each other as we broke apart from the crowd. My stomach shifted and I figured maybe I needed to eat something to counter the drink. "Food?" Zach lead me to the area where the food was, and I grabbed a plate and loaded it up.

"Want something?" I held up the plate.

Zach grabbed some of the chips from my plate, and we made our way to one of the lounge chairs, Zach sitting next to me on the end. "This was fun, thanks for coming with me." He pushed his hair back, grinning.

"Thanks for inviting me." I said sincerely. "Really, I never figured..."

"What?"

I swallowed my chip. "I don't know, this was really fun. I never figured I'd be with you here in this atmosphere. That sounds weird, sorry."

He grinned. "No I get it. I just remembered that time at the club and I figured you would like coming here with me." He quieted and I chewed. "I guess I also wanted to invite you because I like you, what you're about."I swallowed half a chip and it hurt my throat. He shut his eyes, running a hand through his hair. "God, I- Ok, let's just pretend that didn't happen. Not the me saying I like what you're about part, but the way I said it. I don't know." He faltered. "I like who you are Carmen." He laughed. "OK that was about the same thing so maybe"-

"Who wants cake?! Zach!" Nicole's voice cut through the silence. "Come get your carrot cake boy!"

He looked at me and shrugged, standing up and grabbing my empty plate from me. He offered his hand and I took it, but dropped it soon after. "You're telling me what the carrot cake story is about." I said as we headed towards the table.

"Yeah you wish." He laughed.

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"Bye Zach! Bye Carmen, we're having another get together next weekend, you should totally come." Nicole handed me back my phone after putting in her number.

"Thanks for the invite." Zach said sarcastically.

"Calm down carrot cake. See you guys later!" We headed back inside the house and out the front door.

The drive was comfortable, Zach telling me more about his friends and whatnot. Once we got to my apartment and Zach cut the engine, I tucked my hair behind my ear and took a deep breath. "Thanks again for inviting me, it was great."

"I'm glad you had fun." Zach smiled sincerely. I began to slide out, but Zach spoke up. "Here, I'll walk you."

We walked up and took the stairs, and once we were outside my apartment I turned back to him. "Zach I"-

Lips met mine for a minute, hands digging into my waist. I responded on instinct, but then something in my brain finally reacted and I stepped back, attempting to smile.

"I- Shit, I'm sorry. I should've asked first." Zach's face was red. For the second time tonight a guy I'd figured to be so uber confident and never fumbling was faltering in front of me.