Chapter 15: Moonsong

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The sun sank low in the sky, casting the world in an orange glow. My fingers fidgeted with the laces on the cuff of my dress, my heart pounding so hard I could hear it. I'd made my decision, I swore to myself as night fell and sealed my fate. Or had I? I spun around and my breathing hitched. Was I really believing all I'd been told and pushing away fear so I could have answers?

There was still time to leave. The sun hadn't quite set yet. I eyed the satchel that lay on the table and carefully opened it up. I took out the bottles and herbs from inside and set them on the stone windowsill where they would catch the light of the moon. Decision made. If I was going to stay, I was going to make these chambers as much mine as they were Torian's.

My fingers lingered on the pouch of small crystals my mother had gifted me and for once, I felt safe in letting them stay out in the open. I didn't know why I was so sure no one here would shout witch at me for the knowledge I had but it was nice to not feel the need to hide my truths. As long as they wouldn't hide from me either.

My hand trembled and I clenched my fist to stop it. There was no use in telling myself I wasn't afraid if the choice I had made.

Footsteps echoed from outside the chambers and I knew it was Torian. I turned back to the window, holding my breath as the sun finally disappeared behind the tall mountains in the distance. My nails dug into the palm of my hand.

The door creaked open and I could feel my husband's eyes on me. He didn't say anything at first and I kept my gaze firmly on the coming and goings of the few people that lingered outside. A man was fixing a horse shoe near the stables while a young boy watched, completely fascinated. They'd go back to their own homes soon, their families.

"You decided to stay," Torian murmured, surprise coating his tone.

I looked down and took another deep breath. "I did."

The door clicked shut and Torian walked in, his steps slow, and I finally forced myself to face him. He looked relieved, as if he couldn't believe I was standing there, yet he was glad that I was.

"You are sure this is what you want to do?" he asked, eyes boring into mine.

I barked an awkward and somewhat terrified laugh. He blinked at my reaction.

"Do I have a choice now? If I told you I'd changed my mind and wanted to leave, would you let me?" I knew the answer. There was a reason he was going to let me slip away because I understood he couldn't watch me go. The animal in him wouldn't allow him let me go. He could see that I understood that even if I didn't know how I did.

Torian's lips tugged into a sad, half smile. "You see more than you think."

My arms folded protectively around me and we fell into silence. Torian shifted, running a hand through dark blonde hair. I couldn't stand this new tension that was between us.

"I do have a condition for my staying. No more secrets, no more lies or trying to hide me from things. I will have my freedom, I won't be kept within the gates like a child. If I'm to stay, I'm staying as your wife, treat me as such." My words were firm, a strength to them that flickered like energy through my veins and Torian bowed his head in agreement.

Feeling a little more confident, I straightened up. I could do this, stand with these creatures and for myself. They might have been stronger than me and that scared me, but I had to hold my ground all the same. He walked towards me, his eyes never leaving mine as he began to speak.

"Our mating ceremony will be arranged then. It will double as your initiation into the pack. There's a lot you will have to learn, a line of hierarchy you will need to submit to and wolves that won't agree with your position but I will keep you safe, Màili. I swear that," he told me, taking my hand so he could kiss the back of it. "You will be my mate and I yours. No one will harm you."

My heart clenched at the affection he showed and I couldn't help but smile shyly. I didn't understand all he said, not really, but I knew it was important, that his vow to protect me meant a lot. Taking a brave step closer so that I could feel the heat of him, I tipped my head up. The tension changed into something more demanding. Hazel eyes seemed to shimmer more like gold as he watched me. He still had a hold of my hand and my skin burned where his touched mine.

I wanted to kiss him. I wanted him to kiss me. My skin flushed at that realisation and my breathing quickened.

There was a scent on his skin that did something to my insides and a look in his eyes that's scorched through me. His eyes scanned my face and he lifted a hand to cup my cheek as he lowered his head until our lips were a breath apart.

My lips parted and I placed a hand on his chest, my fingers curling into his shirt. His lips brushed mine in a feather caress and I almost whimpered with a need for more but that was all he would give me. His forehead rested against mine and he breathed in deeply.

"I can't," he whispered painfully. "I don't think I have the control."

My whole body felt tense as the anticipation left to be filled with disappointment. "Does it matter now? I've chosen to stay, I've agreed to be yours. Who would know?"

Torian chuckled, the sound deep and husky. "Everyone would know. They would smell it on us. My father would be disappointed with my lack of control, he made me promise I would wait. I would be punished for disobeying the demands of my Alpha."

"But why has he demanded this of you?" I asked as I stepped back, needing space between us so I could think.

"For you, Màili. To keep you safe from me, my wolf. I would mark you if I took you, I told him this. For some reason I feel less in control when you are near. You needed time to adjust, marking you could wake the dormant part of you and we wanted to wait. He and I still believe you need time," he explained gently.

That was a lot to take in. My cheeks felt warm and that overwhelming feeling returned. I did need time if mating with him meant marking me, whatever that entailed, would awake the animal in me. The more I thought about it the more I realised I'd felt the wildness before as well. It was that little instinctual part of me that told me to stand my ground, to never drop my gaze. Did that mean I would turn into a wolf as well? My body shuddered.

"Màili?"

"What's it like?" I asked quickly, looking back at him. "Being in that form."

"Fur. It's called being in our fur. I don't really know how to explain it. It's who I am, just another form of myself. Thoughts blur a little, your thoughts become more. . .primal, I guess. There's nothing like running through the woods in your fur, hunting and trailing deer for days." He smiled and moved to the fire, crouching down to light it. "I will show you it all, every part of our world. We will run through the woods, I will chase you and you me and we will hunt as is tradition for new mates."

I smiled, loving the sound of that. It appealed to me, to the wolf in me, I thought. That what it was. Maybe not as dormant as Torian's father believed.

"Only if the wolf wakes up," I whispered, frowning. Only a few hours before I'd cursed him out and told him I didn't want his pups, I'd been repulsed at the idea of being able to change shape like he could. Now it hurt to think I could never share the experiences he spoke.

I wanted to run like that, to hunt and chase. I wanted to fit in. After being an outcast all of my life, it killed me to think that it would remain so here because I was quite human enough nor Wulver enough to fit in either world.

Torian paused as the fire roared to life, casting shadows across the room. Nobody had come to light the candles as the servant had the night before so the room was dark now. Walking the the fireplace, I picked up the taper and crouched next to my husband so I could let the fire catch it then began to light the candles around the room.

My gaze kept wandering back to where he was by the fire. It troubled him that there was a chance I would never be a true Wulver as well. I saw the pain when I told him I didn't want to carry his children, his pups. If I never changed, he would never be a father. Would he be forced to stand down as next in line to his father's Lordship? I wasn't exactly sure how it all worked. Would his brother be the next Alpha?

"Your wolf will come forth. I know she will. I can feel it in my bones, my wolf can hear yours calling out, she just needs a push," he finally said as if he could hear my own fears.

There was a howl from outside and I jumped, darting towards the window. I couldn't see any wolf. Torian chuckled, stepping up behind me. "You better get use to that sound, wife."

I nodded, gasping as another wolf answered the call until I could hear at least three wolves all singing to the moon that was a blur of white behind the clouds. It would rain tonight. I smiled, pleased. The seeds I'd planted would grow.

"It's beautiful," I whispered, goosebumps rising on my arms as the howling continued.

We stood by the window together, my eyes raking across the countryside in the hopes I'd catch sight of the pack. Eventually, I had to stifle a yawn as the exhaustion if the day finally caught up with me. I wouldn't need any sleeping draft tonight. I was glad Torian was behind me as I slumped a little, my eyelids fluttering.

Hands slid up from my hip to begin undoing the laces of my bodice and my eyes caught Torian's in the reflection. I said nothing as he undressed me, simply watched him and listened to the wolf-song, trying to keep myself awake.

The bodice fell the the floor, followed by the heavy over-skirts and my petticoat until I was left in just my shift. Every inhale had my nipples brushing against the fabric and that warm feeling returned as Torian's fingers stroked down my arm. His breath fanned over my throat and my head fell back against his chest.

"I can sense your wolf now, wife, calling out her needs. . ."

His hand slid up to rest just bellow my breasts and my whole body tensed. "I can feel her sound growing here."

A purr slipped past my lips and Torian chuckled, teeth nipping at my throat. The hardness of him pressed firmly against the top of my rear and there was an odd scent that coated my tongue as I inhaled. I licked my lips.

Torian groaned as I pressed myself back, his hand tightening on my hip before he pushed me forward and he stumbled back. I was left hot and wanting, a throbbing between my legs.

"Go to bed, wife. You're tired. We will talk more in the morning. My father will want to speak to you as well," Torian said gruffly, as if he was straining against something. I worried I'd upset him by acting so wantonly and my cheeks burned from embarrassment.

I turned to see him braced against the fireplace, his head bowed so I couldn't see his face.

"Are you going to sleep elsewhere again?" I asked quietly.

He shook his head but didn't move. "No. You are my mate whether things are official and the mate bond made yet or not. My place is here. I will sleep here."

My lips moved to apologise for the way I had acted but the words wouldn't come out. Instead, I headed for the bedchambers, pausing by the door to look back at him. He wasn't going to join me yet, I gathered, not until he'd calmed down. Finally I managed to gather myself enough to whisper, "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. You did nothing wrong. It's I who should be sorry," he replied, looking over at me, his hands tightening on the mantleplace. "Go to bed, Màili."

The thought that I'd made him lose control had me filled with smug satisfaction but the command in his tone had me quickly slipping into the bedchamber. I slid into bed and buried under the blankets and furs.

Despite having always slept alone, the bed felt even bigger and lonelier than usual. I found myself wanting the heat of Torian next to me. Would he come through and join me or would he sleep through in the other room? I turned over, sighing and tugging the heavy blankets up to my chin. I could hear Torian moving about as the crackle of the fire grew. I rolled over again, feeling suddenly restless.

My mind began to turn over everything I'd learned. My mother had been one of them. How could she have not told me? There had been moments where she'd look at me with a pained expression and when I'd ask her what was wrong she'd shake her head and say she loved me. Was she thinking about it then? Trying to find a way to tell me the truth? I huffed, sitting up. There was no way I could sleep after having my every belief thrown upsidedown, when I still feared the very beings that were under the same roof as me. But at the same time my limbs were heavy with exhaustion and my head was pounding.

I squeezed my eyes shut, pinching the bridge of my nose to ease the pain. Perhaps I needed my sleeping draft after all but I was to shy to go back through to get it and I didn't want to disturb Torian.

"Can you not sleep?"

My head snapped up at Torian's voice to see him standing in the doorway. I could barely make out his features in the dark but his hazel eyes glowed like liquid gold swirling with green. I shook my head, transfixed.

"Can you not sleep either?" I asked.

He chuckled, stepping into the room. "The floor was less comfortable than it was when I slept there as a pup. . .a child," he added when I frowned.

I looked at the space on the bed then back at him, slowly pulling the blankets and furs back. He watched me with wide, surprised eyes at my invitation. Slowly he walked towards the bed, his eyes never leaving mine and the closer he got, the harder it was to breathe. I was still scared of him, intimidated, wary, unsure. . .why had I thought this was a good idea?

He paused by the bed as if he sensed by sudden hesitation. "I can sleep elsewhere."

"Do you want to?" There was hurt in my tone as I sat up properly, frowning. He seemed to be constantly putting barriers up, refusing any slight intimacy. Except the moments he would excuse as a loss of control. Maybe he was just as scared of all this as I was.

Looking out towards the main chamber, he shook his head before seeming to make his decision. I averted my gaze as he pulled off the linen shirt he wore, feeling blood rise to my cheeks. He laughed at my innocence and it only made me feel more self-conscious. The bed dipped as he climbed in and my body tensed. There was a man in bed with me, my husband, it was an odd feeling. I awkwardly lay down again, shuffling onto my side so my back was to him; as if not being able to see him helped at all when I could feel the heat of him against me. I'd never been so aware of another's presence before.

Torian pulled the blankets up, making sure I was covered by the thick furs that tickled my neck. His fingers brushed my cheek and I found myself almost frozen. The barriers were slowly crumbling down.

"Breathe, wife" he commanded gently. "Nothing is going to happen."

I hadn't even realised that I'd been holding my breath as his arm slid around my waist. I let it out in a whoosh, relaxing into the bed and the warmth that radiated from Torian. His touch was scorching but oddly comforting. My eyes fluttered shut as his breath fanned over my cheek.

"Goodnight, my lady wife," he murmured gently as he too settled down.

I was still in shock, too scared to move. That throbbing sensation had returned now I felt Torian's body pressed hard against mine and while I could hear him breathing evenly, my pants seemed deafening to my ears. I thought he was asleep until he squeezed my hip, once more telling me to sleep.

Finally closing my eyes, I shifted to get more comfortable and drifted off into a dreamless sleep.