Authors note: If you exist, leave a comment because I feel so alone.....Now sit back and relax and read Davids first, of many, nervous breakdowns. The guy really needs to go camping more often.

Max crawled out of his bed and walked down the stairs into the main store. He was getting bored with playing on his phone and wanted to borrow one of the games from the store below. He figured David wouldn't miss them, especially since no one ever actually bought them. He walked past Gwen as she held her hands in the air.

"Put all the money in the bag!" A man yelled. Max simply gave him a side eye as he acted like nothing was going on. The store appeared to be being robbed right now, by the world's dumbest criminal.

"Sir, I keep telling you, that's all the money we have!" Gwen said in a panic.

"You're telling me all you had in the cash register was three pennies and a paperclip?"

"This is a blockbuster," Max said as he looked at him with a bored expression. "That's more money then we make in a week, god were fucking poor."

"I don't wanna die here.....wait, I work as a cashier in a blockbuster...." Gwen grabbed the barrel of the guys gun and held it to her forehead. "....end me, please!" the three jumped when David suddenly inhaled in fear.

"Hey David," Max said nonchalantly. The robber grabbed the paperclip and ran out of the store as fast as he could, while David fainted.

"That was my good paperclip!" Gwen shouted after the robber. She went running out of the store, leaving Max to deal with the unconscious David.

"Goddammit." Max said as he realized he had to watch the store. Max dragged Davids' leg and roughly dragged him behind the counter to use a fourth aid kit, which at this point is just some baling wire and duct tape.

***

David suddenly shot awake and screamed as he thought the wall kinda looked like a bad guy. It was just Max's shadow, but still, it looked pretty scary. It was so black, which is kinda racist if you take that out of context.

"Hey," Max said as he played on a video game console he stole from the store below. He was in the middle of murdering a bunch of Nazis. David screamed as Max barreled through a Nazi and sent there blood scattering everywhere. Max laughed as David looked on horrified at the hyper-violence of the game.

"Turn that off, please," David begged as he shielded his eyes.

"Fine, big baby," Max said as he shut off the console. He loved torturing David with hyper-violent video games. He can't keep Max from playing them when they sell them downstairs, so Davids stuck pretending they don't exist.

"Where did the robber go?" David asked as he looked around in fear.

"Gwen tackled him, and fought him to the death for a paperclip," Max said. "It was seriously fucking stupid. I'd have stopped her, but we can't afford to buy a new paper clip."

"Is anyone downstairs?" David asked in a fearful voice.

"Just Gwen, if she isn't crying in the bathroom again," Max said as he started playing on his phone.

"What if someone comes in and tries to hurt us again?!" David said in full on panic mode.

"Oh god, this isn't...." Max tried to say, but David can't be stopped.

"I have to protect us!" David said as he grabbed a toolbox and ran downstairs. Max sighed as he realized this was probably going to be the whole premise of this episode. He only had a week before school starts, and it was already being wasted over something fucking stupid. How is he supposed to release his psychotic tendencies if he can't play violent video games in peace? Seriously, he didn't have any violent video games at camp, and he's pretty sure he tried to literally murder David in the second episode!

***

Max walked down the stairs and suddenly did a double take when he realized it was dark downstairs, despite the front of the store being made of glass. He sighed when he saw David boarding up the windows.

"What are you doing?" Max said as he rubbed his temples.

"According to a study I read on agoraphobics dot org, there's an eighty percent chance a stray bullet will fly through the windows and hit someone within our lifetime!" David said quickly.

"Wonderful," Max said as he looked out the window. "I'm gonna go to the food court."

"Wait, take this!" David said as he suddenly forced a life jacket over Max's head.

"Why?" Max asked as he struggled against him.

"Because, according to a study I read, over twenty percent of Americans are vulnerable to being hit by tsunami!" David said.

"We live somewhere in North America, the nearest ocean is three thousand miles away!" Max complained.

"Please wear it?" David begged. "It would make me feel better!" David gave Max puppy dog eyes to try and make Max black heart feel guilty.

"Fine," Max said as he put the life jacket on properly. "I'm gonna regret this, but as long as you don't go overboard, I'll wear the fucking life jacket." Max cursed himself as he once told himself he would rather be caught dead than wear one of these things.

He then cursed himself again as it's become incredibly difficult to say no to David. It's like the bastard only asks for something because he cares, and for some reason, Max can't say no. Now he's stuck doing stupid shit for no fucking reason all the time.

***

Max simply sipped his soda as everyone in the malt shop pointed and laughed at his life jacket. The whole camp hung out there all the time, so it figures they were there just in time to laugh at him.

"Rough day?" Gwen said as she set another soda in front of him at the bar.

"Don't you work in David's store?" Max asked.

"You try surviving on minimum wage," Gwen replied as she wiped down the counter. "Seriously, I live in a box and bath in the fountain, and I work forty hours a week!"

"Don't worry Gwen, we all know where you bathe....." The cook behind the counter said. He then silently cursed himself as that sounded way better in his head.

"What?" Gwen asked as she looked at him.

"Right....." Max said as he sipped the malt.

"So what's with the life jacket?" Gwen asked.

"Davids freaking out about something again," Max said as he shrugged his shoulders.

"Is it about that guy who tried to rob you?" Gwen asked.

"Yeah, isn't he like....dead?" Max asked.

"No, although that cop did run him over pretty hard," Gwen admitted as she sat down on a stool behind the counter. "So what's he up too right now?"

"Boarding up the store, for some reason," Max said annoyed.

***

David shivered in the dark as he stared at the doorway he hadn't boarded up yet. He wanted Max to be able to come home, and Max couldn't do that if he boarded up the door, like he did the other one. He was too terrified to go out and look for him himself, of course.

"Hey, David," Max said as he walked into the store. He squinted as the store was now incredibly dark. He pulled out his phone and turned on the flashlight to check his surroundings.

"Hiya Max," David said as Max shined a light on him in the middle of a fort of DVDs.

"You look like a gremlin." Max sighed as he looked around the store at all the boarded up windows and doors. "Have you seriously been here the entire time I was in the food court?"

"I did get up to pee......" David glanced at a bucket sitting next to him.

"God you're gross," Max said. "I'm just here for a candy bar, so keep doing....whatever you're doing." Max grabbed a candy bar from the counter and turned to walk out of the store when David suddenly grabbed his shoulder.

"Wait, you're not properly equipped to go back out there!" David said in a panicky voice. He suddenly grabbed a large padded vest and started dressing Max as quickly as possible before the boy could protest.

"David, stop!" Max said as he was suddenly smothered by a large airbag, ironically.

"But your helmet!" David said in an urgent voice. He was holding a small helmet he managed to dig out of the storeroom. He also found an old Nazi submarine, a book of matches, and a dead cat. Mr Campbell is a total hoarder.

David took a step back and took a long look at his handiwork. Max's chest was covered in a large airbag from a car, that looked like it could explode at any second. His arms were covered in elbow pads, knee pads, and even more pads of various sizes, all on his arm, so the knee pads were a bit out of place. His legs were the same, plus two floaties that were cutting off the circulation to his feet. Max looked excessively bloated in his gear, and his face was slowly turning blue as he couldn't breathe anymore with the life jacket being fastened so tight.

Max waddled away from David as fast as he could, heading out the door into the rest of the mall.

"Good luck, and watch out for cars....at all times, I heard there are flying vampire cars roaming around sleepy peak!" David said as he looked around and shrunk back into his movie fort. "You'll protect me, right predator movie? They all wanna hurt me....."

***

Max rounded a corner and ripped open the airbag vest that was constricting his breathing. He fell to his knees as he took in a huge gulp of desperately needed air. He sighed as he rubbed his temples for a few minutes.

"Fuck, I'm gonna have to do something about this!" Max sighed as he walked toward a set of planters, where Nikki and Neil were sitting. Nikki was in the middle of digging through one of the planters to bury a bone she found in quartermasters leg. (literally not a typo)

"Hey, Max," Neil said from the nearby bench. He was playing on his phone while he waited for Nikki to finish her little ritual. Ever since they got their cell phones back, that's become like ninety percent of there lives at this point. Being starved of the internet for three months did nothing to make them more active.

"Can you help me out of this?" Max asked.

"What happened?" Neil asked as he looked at Max getup. "You look like you were attacked by a car park."

"Or a pimp!" Nikki said as she ripped her head out of the soil pot.

"What?" Max asked.

"I don't know what they are, but when my dad brought me into the mall this morning we saw this guy dressed in a big fur coat, and when I asked who that was my dad said it was probably my moms pimp, whatever that is, then he laughed," Nikki said as she dropped her bone and started putting the dirt back.

"Just get me out of this thing, I can't move my arms!" Max snapped annoyed. Neil jumped off the bench and undid the strap keeping the airbag in place. The whole outfit suddenly came crashing to the floor as it lost cohesion, allowing Max to finally move again.

"So what was all that stuff about?" Neil asked.

"David's been freaking out ever since the store got robbed," Max said.

"You were robbed?" Neil asked.

"We get robbed every other week, security around here sucks." Max snapped. "But David walked in on this one, so now he thinks the whole world is out to get him."

"What if I build you an advanced security system?" Neil asked. "I read something online about these industrial lasers that can cut straight through steel."

"Are we gonna cut someone up with lasers?" Nikki asked excitedly.

"No, we just have to get David to be less afraid of his own shadow," Max said as he tried to keep them on task.

"Really, because normally you'd be the first in line to mess with him." Neil pointed out.

"I was planning on doing that later, but at this rate, he's going to lock us both in the bathroom till we starve to death," Max said as he thought of a plan. "Now listen up guys, here's the plan!"

***

David shivered in the corner surrounded by thousands of movies while cradling a copy of the predator. He looked around wildly as he heard a car park itself outside. He heard people climbing out and heading into the rest of the mall. He couldn't believe that anyone would go outside with the world being as dangerous as it is.

"David!" David screamed as Max shouted his name. He suddenly ripped out a flashlight and shined it in Max's face.

"Hey.....Max." David suddenly grabbed Max and pulled him into a hug. "I'm so happy your safe!"

"Is your hair turning white?" Max asked as he looked up at Davids normally red hair.

"Don't worry Max, those scary things out there can't touch us in here, I made sure of it!" David said as he looked from side to side in fear.

"What things?" Max asked.

"There are these things, called bitches, who hurt people and tear out men's hearts!"

"You really need to stay off the internet." Max sighed. He ripped himself out of Davids grip and walked over to the wall. He then yanked out a movie he thought David might wanna see.

"What are you doing?"

"This is a movie about aliens," Max said as he smiled evilly. "Do you know what it takes for a person to defeat an alien?"

"No, what?"

"To get off there ass!" Max yelled as he threw the movie at David's head. "Now get up, were going outside!"

"Going outside?" David asked in a suddenly fearful voice. "Why would we do that?"

"You need to face your fear!" Max declared. "I am not wasting my whole fucking day on this, now get off your ass!" Max grabbed his hand and pulled with all his strength.

"Max, language," David said. "Don't you know the bad words create evil mouth germs, why else would the internet say to wash your mouth out with soap!"

"Stop listening to the internet!" Max snapped as he tried to drag David out of the store. He really wasn't getting anywhere, as he was a small child trying to drag a full grown man.

"Max, I really don't think you're taking the danger as seriously as I am," David said as he tried to sound authoritative.

"And I think you're a fucking moron that doesn't know what they're talking about!" Max snapped.

"Max, I really have to put my foot down," David said. "We are not going outside!"

"That's it, plan b!" Max said. "Nikki, Neil, now!" Nikki suddenly burst through a wall, that used to be a window with a feral look on her face.

"Bark, bark, bark!" Nikki said loudly. Neil walked into the room with a scowl on his face at being forced to wear a dog collar and a plastic dog nose over his face.

"Why am I wearing this?" Neil asked.

"No reason," Max said as he snapped a quick picture.

"Oh god, rabid dog rabies!" David said as he suddenly jumped up and fell over a bunch of piled up movies.

"Yup, and Nikki's gonna eat your face, unless you go outside again!" Max said evilly. David looked between Max and Nikki with fear in his eyes. He suddenly grabbed Max and tucked him under his arm, before sprinting behind the counter. Max grabbed hold of the counter just before he could sprint upstairs.

"What the fuck David?!" Max yelled.

"Nikki cant get us if we go upstairs!" David said fearfully.

"Aww shit!" Max said, his grip suddenly loosened as David started pulling him up the stairs despite his protests. "Get help!" Max shouted at Nikki and Neil. "Get everyone together and save me! Don't screw this up you....." the door up the stairs slammed as Max was dragged kicking and screaming up the stairs.

"Well that didn't work," Nikki said as she sat down on her but. She then scratched her ear with her foot.

"We can still try the security system," Neil suggested again. "People always get one after they get robbed."

"I don't know, we've never really made a plan without Max," Nikki said. "It's kinda weird to do anything mischievous without him."

"Let's just get the others together and see what we come up with," Neil said. "I don't think Davids gonna let up on this one."

"To the malt shop!" Nikki declared.

***

David set up the small lantern and turned it on to let them see the room around them. The storage room was completely windowless, so the lantern and the ceiling lights were there only source of light.

"Why can't we turn on the ceiling lights?" Max asked.

"They could explode, and send pieces of glass all over us!" David said in a fearful voice. Max was crouched in a corner inside a box fort David built out of leftover movie signs and posters. He's gotten really good at building forts recently.

"David, you realize you're acting crazy right?" Max asked. "Your turning into a total hermit."

"We're gonna be okay Max, the monsters can't get us in here," David said as he slid into the box fort next to Max.

"There are no monsters." Max snapped. "That's the whole fucking point! It's all in your head!"

"There everywhere Max, can't you hear them?" Max groaned as he sighed.

"This is just getting sad," Max said. He pulled out his phone and started playing a game as David looked around in fear.

***

Neil put the finishing touches on the computer screen as he set up the last of the security system. It was going to be pretty effective as long as he could get the targeting computer just right.

"Alright Nikki, throw the apple!" Neil said as he closed a large welders helmet over his face. Nikki grabbed an apple and threw it through the doorway. The apple was suddenly shredded into a thousand pieces as soon as it passed through some kind of invisible barrier.

"Neat," Nikki said as she looked at the apple shreds falling to the ground.

"Holy fuck, it worked!" Neil proclaimed. "Stabilized plasma in a.....wait stop!" A customer suddenly walked through the door and straight through the laser barrier. "Oh my god!" Neil screamed as he looked away, expecting the person to suddenly fall into a heap of gore on the floor.

"What?" The guy asked confused. His clothes suddenly fell off all at once making him scream, cover his exposed parts, and run out of the room.

"Well that could have been worse, I should probably turn this off," Neil said as he flipped a switch on the computer by the cash register. He started typing away on the computer as he set up the final part of the security system.

"What are you doing?" Max asked as he walked out of the doorway leading upstairs.

"Hey, Max," Neil said. "We installed a security system so David can feel safe again."

"Max, it's not safe down here!" David said as he ran down the stairs next to him.

"Well hurry up, it won't be long before he drags me back upstairs," Max said. David looked around wildly as his face was suddenly covered in facial hair for some reason. He was growing a hermit's beard, despite being perfectly fine this morning. He looked around wildly as Neil nodded.

"Setting up the turrets," Neil said as he clicked enter. "There, now if anyone comes into the store with even the mildest intent of causing anyone harm, they'll be electrocuted."

"Why is there a naked man running around the mall?!" Paul the security guard said as he came in on his segway.