Part of the reason--or so I'd like to think--that I am so fetching around here is because I adore taking on the worst headcanon topics ever.

In my past two books, I've taken on the horrifically cringe-inducing (and inexplicably popular) "What he does when you get your period" (WHY is this so popular?), "Pranking him that you are pregnant" (this is not funny, although I tried my level best), and "Seven Minutes in Heaven" (OK, that one is kind of funny).

Because it's Tuesday and I've been waiting for something exciting to happen all week, I decided to give you all a big treat and try my hand--HAH!--at probably the worst one of all.

Yeah, what happens when you catch him dating Miss Michigan.

Sorry in advance. But I really felt the need to reclaim this awful headcanon and change the narrative, so let's go polish a few banisters.

-"Too young for this scenario, ho hum, yet again another one we get left out of"

-"Too bad. We're 14. That's kind of the prime age for this, isn't it?"

-"How should I know?"

-"You should know"

-"Okay, Hisoka Morow. Maybe you should walk in front, not back"

-You never catch him spanking it because he's Kurapika and all he ever does is work, work, work, 24-7. If he does do it, rest assured it will be stealth. So don't worry about any cringe scenes with him

-If you catch him, he will be totally unabashed and unapologetic, kind of like the 1999 scene where he is like, "What? What's the big deal?" when Kurapika gets pissed at him for walking around naked

-Remember, he was filthy in Trick Tower in front of everyone (BTW, they hid Gon's eyes when he did this, but I don't think they hid Killua's. Sheesh, I just realized that! Those Zoldycks)

-Catch him? He sends you videos of it, for crying out loud

-Illumi tried this out once when he was younger. He found it messier than he expected and was filled with dread that Silva would discover what he did--or Milluki would have somehow caught it on those damn cameras they have all over the place--so he grimly decided he would never, ever engage in such activity again.

-If the sap ever rises, he just concentrates on a few breathing exercises

-He's a manipulator, he's totally got this

-Chrollo walks around most of the time in a voluminous, full length coat

-What? You didn't see nothin'

-I find it very hard to imagine Feitan choking the chicken, but I suppose it's not out of the realm of possibility given all those pervy art books he looks at

-If he does, you bet it will end up in a dreadful Feitan fanfic, where the narrative consists of him getting caught by the entire Phantom Troupe, who all laugh hysterically at him (except Chrollo, who always walks in, clueless, and is the one to say "All right, all right, simmer down, everyone")

-OK. I don't think I can go on, here, because I'm starting to picture the entire Phantom Troupe one by one in this scenario and, TBH, some of them are kind of really gross to think about. Not Shalnark. But think about it. There are a couple that are really--ewwww!--dodgy

-Well, I tried!