When I look at my bride – walking down the aisle with her ever-loving smile and twinkles in her eyes – I'm taken back to my first love. That young girl with her vibrant smile and laughter, lighting up the room from its far end was all I could ever see. Day by day, night by night, I've been keeping those feelings she made of me and I would re-live it over and over, just to have her next to me at this second. Or perhaps, I'd run and be next to her instead. Now...I'd run to her now.

...

There are a lot of times in my life where I felt out of place. My mom would often say it's normal – a phase, that she'd called it, especially being around the age of 17. You're figuring out who you are...what you like and who you want to be. The only thing I managed to figure out at this point is that I had high expectations that I would've figured all of that out by the age of 13.

She had expectations of her standards too and I think she simply answered it that way because she was confused as hell of how to answer it in a way that wouldn't offend her son. When you've been told by every teacher of every class of each grade since your son was 8 years old that he could possibly be a genius – I'd be confused too as to these incredible fall outs.

The thing is, it's not that I just magically woke up one day and my brain decided to be dumb. No, I just woke up one day and decided not to bother. I remember that feeling very well – well, I remember a lot of things very well but not often that it's associated with feelings. It started with one of those insignificant day, really.

On that said day and on the walk to school, I thought of what a good breakfast I had. 3 medium-sized pancakes and a banana milk. I remember my mom standing by the door, telling me to have a great day while waving until I'm out of sight, as she normally would do since dad passed away. I knew it became a habit of hers to constantly let me know how much she loves me in case we never meet again.

As I was walking that morning – thinking of how good the 3 pancakes were – I noticed how 'involved' everyone were the closer I got to the school gate. Friends greeted each other – forming into groups of 2s and up to 6s. I realized that it was probably the first time that I had looked up to my surroundings – probably because I was thinking about pancakes instead of anything that needed solving.

It dawned on me that I hadn't recognized 92% of those kids wearing the same school uniforms as me – heading to the same hallway as me. I spotted the 8% only because they were in my classes and because they had put their hands up and challenged my position as the 'genius' who'd always get the answers right when no one couldn't.

I thought I got lucky when I saw Lee Ha Kun, the next best thing any teacher could've hoped for when they asked questions in our classes. He also sits beside me right at the front, so I was fairly confident that I could call him an acquaintance. Not a friend, because we never really exchanged more words other than his dry 'congratulations, Jungkook' and my equally dry 'thank you, Ha Kun' whenever my name appeared at the top of any lists.

Since I hardly socialize – other than with teachers and the casual hums and tutoring – I decided to greet him that morning. I'd like to think that the following conversation never happened, but of course it did and it's stuck in my mind since:

"Hello, Ha Kun. Good morning,"

Nothing.

"So...I had pancakes this morning. What did you have?"

6 seconds of silence. "Bread,"

"Nice. Bread is always nice. Whole wheat?"

"Just...white bread,"

"Nice, nice. With eggs? Sausages?"

"Just bread,"

"Nice..." It became obvious that this was not a topic of interest to him, so I changed my game. "Did you know that 'Ha Kun' means 'rooted with intelligence'?"

He shook his head very slowly.

"It does. Amazing, isn't it? How you're already appearing so smart the moment you get that name..."

It took him more seconds to respond, "Appear...I guess it's not good enough,"

All I could think of was 'that's the longest conversation I've had with a classmate about something that was not study-related' and I was really satisfied with it. Really, imaginary me was patting on my back! I didn't think of anything else or if he felt offended, his face clearly didn't show it. He did though. By the time the second period had started, the whole class were whispering about how I insulted Lee Ha Kun in his face so early in the morning.

By lunchtime, I managed to receive approximately 89 glares in the cafeteria. 72 being kids from my batch, the rest were from a batch ahead. Yes, I counted – face by face. What else was I going to do? I didn't count for how long the glares had gone for only because I was busy contemplating whether I should smile and wave. For a brief moment, I thought of how amusing it was. I knew Baekyang Middle School is relatively small, but that was the first time that I really felt it. News of me offending Lee Ha Kun traveled fast and vast.

I wasn't traumatized by it – at least I didn't think I was. I just decided that fitting into the social norms was probably the first ever thing I'm bad at and for some reason, I really wanted to know what else could I suck at. Extra-curriculars never seemed appealing to me so I tried it. It's quite amazing what you can achieve just by being good at Mathematics & Science, especially trigonometry. It's hard for me to suck at any ball games when my calculations of trajectories are so on point.

Now anything that requires physical strength is a different matter – running, weight-lifting, climbing, gymnastics - but I knew that with some efforts I could potentially nail number one. Swimming...well, I never learned to swim and the thought of learning in public pools wasn't an option as I began calculating the chances of me getting any sorts of infections so instead of risking it, I put it on my 'Things Jungkook Sucks At' list. With every added bullet points, it felt like an achievement.

By the time I entered high school, I've pretty much tried out every single club and sport there were in middle school. I had 12 things I suck at, including public speaking, acting, and anything involving one-on-one communication in general. Now, in the times I was doing all these experiments, I hadn't really paid much attention to the existing classes. And guess what happened? My grades dropped down tremendously.

Having experienced this for the first time got me thinking...I wasn't a genius – I just happen to have a really good memory bank! Everything that I knew was from my efforts of learning, memorizing, practicing, and reading a lot. Watching how the experts do it and recalling the steps. One would think I'd be disappointed to have this revelation, but it was quite the contrary. Or perhaps I did, but I was dejected of any emotional connection because of my upbringing. This too, I read from a book I found under the Self-Help section in the public library.

Knowing that, I had no option than to accept mydownfall the same way Lee Ha Kun celebrated his first ever Honor Student of theYear medal. People might be confused about this – I know my mom did! – but it'slike finding out you have a super power which no one knows about and you choseto hide it for the sake of humanity. Everything I've ever accomplished – allthe straight A's, all the medals I had won from school competitions, thepraises of being called a 'genius' – those were the disguise.

My power is this insanely good memory that couldpick out even the smallest of details I've learned from...well, ever since Icould remember. But I have to give chances to the other kids to take thespotlight – everyone knows superheroes get a lot of hate once they're alwayson the front page of the news and thus, out of my questionable love forhumanity, I decided to slowly disappear under the radar of Baekyang MiddleSchool's Top 5 Best Students. I 'humbly' rested myself on number 6. High enoughto earn a good class in high school, low enough to stop my peers from feelingdamned intimidated all the time.

I knew how it worked, so I was ready to start fresh. A new beginning at a new school. An upgraded version. A Jeon Jungkook 2.0. I had all of these things calculated – except missing the part that my kryptonite was socializing and blending in with kids my age. I have zero talent of it and the only one I had was that fateful day with Lee Ha Kun, which is not at all a good experience.

For the first half of the year since I entered high school, I spent a lot of after-schools at the library – reading about social interactions. Any books related to How to Make a Good First Impressions, Public Speaking for Dummies, Ice-Breaker Topics, and Make Friends, Not Enemies were borrowed for weeks. I even rummaged through the Parents section for books to help their socially awkward child, just to practice talking a lot with my mom!

Now don't get me wrong, my parents are the mostloving, caring and chatty people but I know I'm saying this because I'm beingbiased. I'm just an extremely quiet child, to be perfectly honest! Growing up,I actually enjoyed sitting by myself and basking in the silence around me. Ithelps my mind being focused and shit like that. I guess I never felt muchloneliness in it because it felt like there's always a second person talkingback to me: the voice in my head whenever I read or calculate something.

Anyway, clearly, I wasn't a gifted charmer. My plans weren't actually working since half of the teens in my batch were from Baekyang and yes, they remembered the legendary tale of the great Jeon Jungkook who got his superpower stripped off by insulting Lee Ha Kun in that one morning where he thought he had the best pancakes for breakfast. Jeon Jungkook 2.0 was downgraded to Jeon Jungkook 1.5 – The Introverted Smart-Ass. I earned this by not giving a flying fuck anymore about making a good first impression.

But I'm not complaining - I've had progress. I'm now Jeon Jungkook 1.8. My smile doesn't look so awkward and creepy anymore and in the 2 years of high school, and I managed to make one friend whom I would occasionally 'bump' into once or twice a week. I gave myself credits for that even though technically, he wasn't a student there. Min Yoongi. He's 4 years older, an inch shorter, and came in a year ago as an assistant to our Music teacher. He's also as socially inept as I am – this came from his own mouth.

"I hate high schoolers," With his usual blank face on, he muttered the same thing that he had countless of times before. The buzzing of happy students outside of the Music room passed – the usual shrieking sounds of happy teens acting like they're living the best times of their lives. "They're supposed to know how to handle things better now," He frowns down to the cracked flute in his hand.

"Join the army," I gave him another suggestion. Every time he said it, I would give him a different alternative solution.

"I hate loud noises. And I especially hate beingyelled at," Another reason why we clicked so well.

"Should I save Peace Corps for the next time?"

There's a slight twitch around his lips on his otherwise, emotionless poker face. "I enjoy being selfish,"

Who doesn't? Well...maybe not everyone. But I get him. I have my moods too for when I feel like helping out and when I don't.

"How's the drama club going?" He leaned back to the chair and stretched his arms wide open as if he's going to yawn. But he didn't.

"Chorus member number 9,"

"Wow...that's like...your ticket to stardom,"

"Watch out for a billboard with my face on it," I grinned just to joke.

The whole thing was a joke, really. I had to participate to have it on my resume for college application. Not something I'm looking forward to, definitely. It's bad enough trying to fit into 'my crowd' – that's what Yoongi calls kids my age no matter how many times I corrected him. Can you even call the crowd 'your crowd' if you're not in the crowd – of course not. Does Yoongi care about terms and its correct meaning? Of course not.

"I still can't believe you chickened out on the lead role. I told you, you've got the voice for it,"

Lately, my mom's been reminding me to be grateful for a lot. This came when I told her that maybe I don't need to go to college. I mean...I already know how my brain works. I can be really smart if I want to, I just didn't want to. The only thing that I can get out of college that I couldn't get straight out from a book or the internet are the certificates saying I'm a qualified expert in said field of studies. In this instance though, I am grateful to now have 2 people motivating me to do more in life. Whether I want to do it or not is a different case.

Outside, I caught a glimpse of the jocks passing by with their partners in tow. Shouting around and laughing as if they own the school...or the hallway. Maybe they do.

"I don't like groupies. They're too loud,"

...

"Jungkook-ssi...you have an excellent, consistent track record and I know that brilliant mind is still working. I know it can be confusing at your age, figuring out what you want and how to get it. I know there must be a lot that you're confused about,"

I know I should pay more attention to what Mrs Gwan is saying, but as always, my eyes land back to the poster on the wall behind her. It's a picture of a bunch of lions, standing gloriously with their golden manes and looking straight at me as if they're targeting their next lunch. Below it, the word CREATING LEADERS is displayed with no further explanations.

The slightly yellowish filter shows that it's been there for years – clearly, to inspire something in Mrs. Gwan or her visitors. I'm not sure how though, because instead of feeling inspired, my mind's already wandered between questions. Male lions hardly hunt together – what kind of metaphoric, imaginary leaders are they breeding here? The juveniles do, but once they come of age they'd have to get a new pack. They mostly rely on the females to do the hunting. Does this also mean the school's only creating male leaders? What happens to the girls then?

"The drama club is a good start, but I really need you to be more involved. You still haven't submitted your list of applications. I know you think you've got time. It's only the beginning of the year but before you know it, your deadlines are up. Do you at least have the places on top of your mind?"

She sounded like a brochure. This visit is hardly optional. I'm probably the lucky few that's not quite excited about graduating-with-flying-colors and college hunting. I mean...I think I want to graduate with flying colors...I'm just not motivated enough to do so. Not now in January anyway.

"Are there any particular major that you connect with deeply?"

It was quiet for a moment. I thought she was going to sigh – as she usually does when I couldn't reciprocate the conversation – but when I look up, Mrs. Gwan is just examining me through narrowed eyes.

"Jungkook-ssi, I can only help you if you tell me what's on your mind,"

I wasn't aware of this therapy session. I thought I just have to listen to her, lecturing and telling me about my lack of efforts and pick out a club for me to join so I wouldn't have think for myself? Isn't that what she always does?

"Arts," I mumbled out, just because the silence is getting intense.

"I see...Jungkook-sii, you've always been in Science major. You're good at it and you get recommendations from way back," 'Way back' sounds like it's been centuries. Middle school was hardly even 3 years ago – "Why would you suddenly change it to Arts?"

That's a good question actually. Well done, Mrs. Gwan! "I read that art speaks what words can't explain,"

She finally sighed and stilled, observing me for a moment. "I'm gonna ask you a question, and I want you to be honest with me,"

Okay?

"What makes you wanna go to college? Do you even wanna go to college?"

Oh, that's easy! "My mom wants me to go to college," She could've asked that straight from the blocks.

A particularly fierce twitch seized her lips, and I knew she's trying her best to hold it in. "Alright. Arts? No problem. Let's narrow it down. You don't have any classes to back it up but there's still time to get involved. Drama club is settled, I think 4 more should do the trick. I'll talk with the head of our arts department and see where we can include you. But Jungkook-ssi...I must tell you that this choice is yours and for your future, so I hope you stick by it,"

...

Funny that what Mrs. Gwan said in that last meet is stuck in my head for the next few days. Even if I do stick by it, I know the chances of me getting into any art school is low. There's this kind of shit that colleges look for beyond this kid joining 5 different art-related clubs without having any grades to prove, oh, I don't know – a spectacular tale of originality and individuality maybe, coupled between your grade point average or final scores and triumph over struggles and adversity?

Shit like that annoys me. Why do I need to emphasize how different and quirky I am just to prove that I'm worth the shot? Why do I need to have a background story to accompany it? If one day I wake up wanting to eat pancakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner, why do I need to justify the reason why?

Although I have what the teachers said 'good track records' and I knew that I'll definitely do better in the finals, I will never come out with this so-called 'great story to tell'. The only struggle I've had was losing dad and rest assured, I'll never talk about it to anyone till the end of the world.

"Jeon Jungkook?"

The sweet voice of a girl calling for my name came off as a surprise. And the shithead that I am made me look up to the bright, blaring sun rather than where the voice came from. Behind me.

Still blinded by the sun, I could only make out the silhouette that's coming a few steps down and made her way to sit beside me, overlooking the track field. When I could finally see clearly, it took more than a while for me to register that it's Lalisa Manoban.

Lisa, what the teachers would normally call her. Lali, what her friends would call her. Lis is what her boyfriend calls her. I've heard only these 3. Not being anywhere near these 3 segments, I guess I would have to go with the full name. Why is Lalisa Manoban talking to me?

"Hello, Jeon Jungkook,"

Lalisa Manoban – the Head of the Student Council...one of the most popular girl in school (and the most beautiful, in my opinion!) is calling my name for the second time! What the fuck is going on??

"Mrs. Gwan said you're not much of a talker. It's okay, I'll do the talking then," She giggled. Prettily. "She said you're interested in a few clubs and asked me to get you in. We still have a few...let's see..."

She took out a bright yellow notebook from her backpack and scrambles to find a page. I might be staring a little too long but I'm not even exaggerating this – she's so fucking pretty up close!

"I have one slot for photography in the school's editorial team. This is just an assistant role but you get to handle the equipment, so you'll definitely learn a lot about using them. I also have one for creative writing...I'm not sure how you'd like that one –"