"How was school today." Bryan asked as soon as I stepped into his house.

"Fine." I said quietly, walking up to his large frame and wrapping my arms around him. He returned my embrace, and I sighed in his arms.

Today was the third anniversary of us being together, and the guilt was eating me up inside. I didn't feel right, he didn't feel right.

We didn't feel right.

"Where do your parents think you are right now?"He said quietly, as if someone would overhear. It always felt like that, like we could get caught at any moment, like someone would hear, and it would all be over.

The fear of being caught, the adrenaline rush, I craved it.

So did Bryan.

Wasn't that why we were here, together in this toxic relationship that was slowly ripping us apart but at the same time pulling us closer together? Binding us together so strongly that even if we wanted to leave we couldn't?

"Cheerleading practice..." I trailed off as he dropped to his knees in front of me.

"Good, now call your dad and tell him you're staying over at one of your friends' houses tonight. I want you with me." he instructed as he lifted my top and peppered kisses over my stomach.

As usual, my abdomen muscles tightened, my panties got wet as I reacted to his lips so close to the area which I so badly wanted them to be at.

" I can't, I was out yesterday, they'll suspect something." I'd meant for the words to come out strong, but they sounded more like a strangled moan when I began to feel his tongue against my skin.

I whimpered when he abruptly stopped, still on his knees in front of me with his arms tightly around my hips, his expression something saw all to often.

"Where the hell were you yesterday?" He growled out.

Just like that, the calm lustful mood that we were in was gone. The air was tense, and the butterfly feeling in my stomach turned to fear. His dark eyes were burning into me, and even though he was on his knees in front of me, he seemed seven feet tall, while I felt like a mouse, hiding away from the cat who was carefully bidding its time.

"Josh's party." my voice was quiet, too quiet. I felt guilty , but for what exactly, getting drunk, trying to be the senior I was?

Fucking my dads best friend, allowing him to dominant my body in the best yet worst ways possible?

Lying about where the bruises were coming from, the bruises that I so enjoyed receiving?

There was a lot to feel guilty about.

"And what did you do at Josh's party, my sweet little baby, hmm?" He snarled as me, nuzzling his nose against my stomach, the two actions so different, yet so Bryan like.

" Nothing happened with Josh, I swear." That was the truth, weather or not he would believe it, I didn't know.

He stared at me for a long time, before he licked my waistline softly, and I assumed that he was okay with it, but he wouldn't be Bryan if he was.

I yelped loudly as he bit harshly into the skin of my lower belly, a whimper escaping my lips, before he stood up in front of me, towering over intimidatingly.

He rubbed my waist soothingly.

"I think we need something, more....permanent to remind you of exactly who you belong to.'' he said, grabbing my arm and leading me toward his car.

"What are we doing? Where are we going?" I asked, knowing that whatever he had in store for us was going to get my blood pumping, the only thing that I wanted right now.

He didn't answer me, strapping me in like a child before getting in to the driver's seat, it was quiet and my heart was beating far to fast for comfort.

"Bryan, I'm not old enough for this." I said quietly when I realized where we were.

"Don't worry," he said as we got out of the car,"I can pass as your parent." he smiled bitterly.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I hissed quietly to Bryan as he kissed my cheek lightly.

"Haven't seen you in a while, thought I'd see what you were up to." He said quietly into my ear as he turned to face the curious looks he was receiving.

"Bryan! It's been forever!" Greg said as he gave him a smile as false as Pamela Andersons breasts.

"Definitely." Was all Bryan replied with as he shot Derek a killer look.

I had forgotten all about Derek who was currently staring at me. I shot I'm a small smile, which he didn't return.

After we all exchanged pleasantries, Olivia got a phone call and had to leave. Veronica, Christian, his parents, Bryan and Derek were left at the table, including myself.

Bryan was a silent partner in the chain of clubs, that Christian had just bought, it was an equal partnership. Bryan remained next to me all throughout dinner. Greg seemed extremely uncomfortable while Darcy's eyes didn't leave Bryan once.

My breath caught.

Did Darcy and Bryan have an affair...?

The thought left a bitter taste in my mouth. It they did, it wasn't any of my business, I mean once my parents found out and I split from Bryan I had been with other people but I had never given any thought to as if Bryan had moved on.

That wasn't right though, I hadn't moved on. Bryan was still everywhere. Part of him had once grown inside me, His mark was permanently etched into my skin and I still went to him for everything.

There was no end for us.

"Would you like to dance?" Bryan asked quietly, breaking me out of my inner monologue.

Just then I noticed the music playing in the background, couples dancing slowly. On any other occasion I would have said no, but I wanted answers, and a small par of me was feeling slightly jealous as I watched Veronica and Christian dance.

"Sure." I said getting up and trailing behind him as he got up and lead me to the dance floor.

My arms wrapped around his neck while his were locked around my waist, we danced in perfect unison as if we had been doing this for years.

"So, what's going on between you and Darcy?" I asked casually, my eyes locked on Christians as he stared right back at me.

"Don't worry," Bryan said, snapping me out of my trance, "I never touched her."

My eyes narrowed and snapped back to his dark ones.

"Then why was she practically undressing you with her eyes?" I hissed, coming out a lot harsher than I'd meant for it too.

Bryan took it in his stride, chuckling and nuzzling his nose in my hair inconspicuously.

"You turn me on so badly when your jealous." He said huskily, nipping on my ear lightly and pressing his body closer to mine.

I could feel his arousal against my stomach.

"I'm not jealous." I denied.

"Its okay, you know I love it." Of course he did, jealousy was one of the stronger emotions in me, and he definitely knew how to use it to his advantage.

"I'm not jealous," I repeated, "I was just curious."

Bryan stared at me comically, obviously not believing me for a minute.

"So," He began, successfully changing the subject. "What going on with boy toy number seven?"

So your counting the number of men I who I sleep with...was that something to be worried about or flattered?

"His contract with me ends next week." I answered evasively, hoping he would leave it be. Of course, being Bryan, he obviously didn't.

"Are you renewing it?" He pressed.

Would I re-new it? Slowly but surely I was breaking Derek, I was completely aware of it, yet I was still cruel enough to keep stringing him along. He deserved a woman without a complicated past and damaged view on the world, he deserved a woman who didn't have a need to hurt people, who finds sadistic pleasure in emotionally breaking people down and fucking them up as badly as she was.

"No." I said sighing.

"Finally you've come to your sense. I didn't like that one, even more than I hated the others." He snorted, then turned serious "you know what's in a month from today right?" Bryan asked quietly.

Of course I did. It would be a year without Mason. A year since my reason for living was oh-so-cruelly taken away from me.

"I remember," There was barely any sound to my voice.

"We'll get through it, together." Bryan said, the thought not as comforting as I would have hoped.

After a long night, and a text to Derek telling him to come home, I made my way silently to the limo alone. There was simply too much going on for me to even begin to comprehend. Meeting Christian Ruxin tonight was definitely something else, and although we barely spoke, the attraction and sexual tension was so strong between us I could practically touch it.

Bryan showing up put a damper on that. Bringing up Mason completely ruined my night. The pain was still to new and raw, even though it was almost a year since his death. What I did tonight with Olivia had been completely unacceptable, for god sakes she was a woman!

A married woman.

What had possessed me to do something so stupid? I had hoped I left my erratic and irresponsible behaviors back in high school, but I hadn't, because as much as I wanted to blame my actions on the alcohol, I was sober enough to know exactly what I was doing.

When we finally pulled up at my three story house, I thanked the limo driver and stepped out into the chilly November air. Looking at my house in the expensive gated community of Foxglove Estates, it was completely and one hundred percent me.

Large glass windows that were one way, allowing me to see outside without people being able to invade my privacy by looking in, expensive brick with a rooftop swimming pool and large balcony, my house lacked the warmth and intimacy that a home had.

Derek's Range Rover was parked in the garage, but I didn't know if he was here or not. Opening my front door and kicking off my heels, I was greeted by silence.

Seeing as this house had over twenty rooms altogether including a soundproof master bedroom and basement, if he was in fact here, I may not have been able to hear him anyway.

"Derek." I called out loudly, my voice hopefully carrying so that if he was here he would be able to hear me

I hear the shuffling, followed by Derek walking down the stairs in nothing but checked pajama pants.

"Hey," He sais quietly, I noticed the bags under his eyes, which were red from either intoxication or tears.

I hoped it was the former as I could not deal with the latter right now.

"I'm guessing you want to talk about tonight?" He questioned quietly, leading us into the kitchen.

I watched apprehensively as he pored me a whiskey then one for himself. I sat down on the counter, adjusting my dress that hurt my chaffed nipples.

"Derek, our contract ends in a week and," I took a deep breath, my eyes never leaving his face, "I've decided not to continue our relationship."

I watched as the different emotion splayed across his face. Pain, anger, hurt, depression and pure utter defeat.

My heart clenched at the expression on his face, but I forced myself to remain impassive and cool, my face giving nothing away. I couldn't give Derek the stability that he needed. This may be hard for him now, but if I let this go any further I would just hurt him more in the process.

He stepped forward until he was towering over me, so close that I could feel the angst radiating off him.

"Why?" The word was said so quietly, standing so close to him I was surprised I even managed to catch it.

Gently lowering his head to meet my eyes, I cupped his face in my hands, forcing him to face me.

"I'm bad for you, baby. Everyday, I'm hurting you. I can't keep doing this to you! I love you too much for this but I'm not in love with you, and I can never give you marriage, fidelity, kids, happiness.

Remember when we first met three months ago? You were strong, confident, happy. Slowly, I'm sucking the life out of you. I never cared with anyone else, but your different. I've been with other people since our arrangement started, but you knew that already? It's killing you! Hell, I'm killing you. I can't do this to you."

By the time I was done, Derek had tears streaming down his face. I was terrible. I wasn't just self-destructive, I was hurting him as well. I hurt everyone around me continually.

"Why wont you just try? Try to love me?" He whispered, his forehead pressed against mine.

"I can't," I said softly.

Derek stared at me for a long time, a look of resignation on his face. He suddenly pressed his lips to mine furiously, passion radiating from him.

"Give me this," He said against my lips.

"One last time." I said breathlessly as his lips travelled down my throat.

"One last time."

His hands moved slowly down my body, unzipping my dress. He pulled away from me, his eyes still glossy with tears roamed over my body.

"I love you." He whispered, so softly I barely heard it.

He was lost in his passion, thrusting into me violently, this was the first time we were doing vanilla and I owed it to him not to complain, no matter how uncomfortable this made me.

I thought about this, my inability to stay with someone for more than three months, Derek was my wake call. I would make it up to him eventually, I would fnd him someone who could love him the way I would never be able to.

A/N:

Derek is NOT going to be Emilia's main love interest. The reason I have spent so much time on his and Emilia's relationship is for background info on her and how her relationships generally work. This book is a NOVEL, no a short story so don't expect her and Christian to be getting down and dirty too soon as I want to focus on how her relationship with him is going to be different form the rest.

This story is not going to be ONLY romance, it is going to be a journey for Emilia and getting back from all the damage that has been done to her. Although the romance is the MAIN focus of this story, it isn't the only focus.

I know I've been mentioning a lot of things that you probably have no idea about who they are..E.g Mason, and what's going on in the memory in this chapter.

Also I understand if people are frustrated with how she's almost...grateful for what Bryan has done to her, but he's been with her through everything, so she sees him as a constant, someone who she can't fuck up because he's just as fucked up as she is.

To clear any confusions people might have.

Emilia is twenty-four.

She lost her virginity to Bryan on her fourteenth birthday.

Bryan is forty-two.

He was her fathers best friend.

He DID NOT go to jail.(Why? That will be explained later)

Derek is important and will show up later.(Thus the reason I've spent time time showing his relationship with Emilia.)

If anyone was upset about the girl-on-girl action I'm sorry, but I didn't go into two much s I have no idea how girls have sex with each other lol. *That's totally not awkward at all*

Although the DID have sex, they only sex that will be detailed in this book will be either with Bryan and/or Christian.

I will not be uploading for about a month as I have finals, but I will continue to write and as soon as my finals are over I will update with three or four chapters in one go, then to about once or twice a week.

If anyone wants to make me a banner, please do:)

Thank you for reading my super-long authors note:)