"What do you mean you're not gonna compete in the tournament?" Aisha exclaimed, a shocked expression on her sweet, round face.

They were at the girl's locker room changing into their white gis, and Sky had just broken the news, as on their way here Hawk had told her rather pointedly that if she was serious about this shit, she needed to tell the others.

"I mean that I'm not gonna compete in the tournament, and that's it," Sky said, tying the belt on her waist.

"But why? You're one of the best fighters we have. Only Miguel is better than you, and Maybe Hawk on his good day, but–"

That made Sky smirk. She glanced at Aisha, who was already dressed in the gi, and stood by the door waiting for her.

"Please, I could totally kick Hawk's ass if we ever fought."

"Yeah, probably," Aisha agreed. "Why don't you, though? I've noticed, you spar with everyone else but not him."

Sky shrugged. "I don't know."

But that wasn't entirely true. She remembered the panic in Hawk's eyes when he had accidentally hurt her, and she had spiraled down into her PTSD flashback. She knew Hawk didn't want to put her through that again - and to be honest, Sky didn't want to put herself through that again either.

Which was the exact reason she wasn't going to compete in the tournament, not that Aisha needed to know that. Hawk was still the only one in the dojo who even knew about her diagnosis, and that was the way Sky wanted to keep it.

Sky gave a sigh and adjusted her belt tighter around her narrow waist. It had taken some time, but she had gotten used to the sensation of wearing a gi, up to the point that she almost liked it. And she had to admit that she liked karate too, even if she still missed the freedom of movement and the artistic wildness of capoeira. Compared to that, karate was disciplined, orderly. It forced her chaotic ADHD mind to calm down, to focus, and thus it brought her silence and peace - both things she desperately needed, and both things that didn't come to her naturally.

It had been great to come to the dojo and do karate almost every day. To train, to learn, to drown in the burning of her tired muscles, sweat dripping through her clothes - on many days it had been the only moments of oblivion she got, and it worked better than the opioids.

Sky hadn't had any flashbacks at the dojo either, not since that first one. But the tournament would be different, she knew. Just the thought of all the people watching, her dad in the audience, the loud noises, and flashing lights, made her core tighten in fear. And she knew she wouldn't be able to stop thinking about the capoeira tournaments she'd attended with Kat, which would be one more triggering factor, another slippery slope road into a horrible flashback and she'd be bleeding on the cold, tiled floor once again.

"Come on Sky," Aisha's gentle voice brought her back to the moment. "We need you. I'm gonna compete, and there's no question - you are like a hundred times better than me."

Sky made a small laugh. "Give yourself some credit. You're way more badass than I am."

"It's not me who kicked Kyler's ass in school." Aisha noted.

"And it's not me who gave Yasmine a front wedgie."

Aisha laughed at that. "Yeah, but you kicked her in the stomach. That was badass."

Sky made a face. Getting into that stupid fight in school last fall wasn't her proudest moment. Whatever Sensei Lawrence was teaching them about striking first, Sky still felt all hollow and wrong thinking about that day. It had broken her friendship with Moon for months and had left Yasmine shaken and crying on the floor. Had Yasmine deserved it? Probably. But as Sky also knew how it felt to be a target of random violence, no matter how much she had deserved it, she knew it only caused more problems than it solved.

Violence always had a long and bloody trail.

"You are a natural Cobra," Sky said to Aisha, forcing a smile on her face. "And I will cheer for you, and for Hawk. And for all of you. But I'm not going to fight in the tournament."

Aisha gave a resigned sigh. She was well aware of the fact that if Sky said she was going to do something, she did it. If she said she would do 50 pushups on her bad arm, she did it. If she said she would get an A on a Social Studies test, she did it. And if she said she would skip the tournament, well, there was no point in arguing about that.

Sky greatly appreciated that in Aisha.

"Have you told Sensei?" Aisha asked as they stepped out of the locker room into the main dojo.

"No," Sky replied.

"You have to do that," Aisha said. "He's gonna lose it, but you can't keep this from Sensei Lawrence. You're going to have to tell him!"

"I know," Sky said. "But give it a rest, will you? You're starting to sound like Hawk."

"Tell me what?" Sensei Lawrence's voice asked, and Sky swirled around her heart in her throat.

That man had the footsteps of a fucking feline - Sky knew no one else who could sneak on a person like that.

"Nothing," Sky muttered, and glanced around in the dojo, her eyes searching for the blue mohawk. She noticed Hawk chatting with Miguel at the other end of the room, and he was grinning in a way that made Sky a bit uneasy - he wasn't telling Miguel what had happened right before they'd gotten here, was he?

Shit, he totally was.

Sky watched as Miguel replied to Hawk's smug smirk with a grin, they both laughed and then made that fist bump handshake that Sky usually found adorable but now only annoying. She felt her cheeks heating.

Guys being guys, so fucking stupid.

It doesn't mean anything.

But she hadn't told Aisha, hadn't even thought about telling her, even if Aisha had raised a silent eyebrow at the fresh set of hickies on her neck and there had totally been an opening for a girly chat.

I would have told Kat. That thought was suddenly bitter and painful. I would have told Kat every dirty detail and she would've laughed and she would have been so happy for me—

But here, Sky had no one to tell.

It was just hers now, the memory of the look on Hawk's face when he had come, the billowy need that was still gathered in her core.

She still wasn't sure why she had insisted on going to the dojo instead of Hawk's room. He had been willing to continue, his eyes had still been dark with wanting, even if he had come like the fucking rain, and Sky knew that had she only let him, he would've fucked her so that she would have forgotten everything. He had said so - that he wanted to make her feel good, and oh, how badly she had wanted it, wanted it even at this moment, watching his lean and wiry form in that white gi, but–

It wasn't time for that yet.

She had wanted to give Hawk this small gift, something just for him. A gift of pure pleasure, because he sure as hell deserved that for being the best boyfriend anyone could ask for.

I should've done that to him a long time ago. Hell, I should've done that already in that empty classroom, and I should've taken care of his needs every day since then. I'm a fucking lousy girlfriend–

She tried to shake off that thought, that stupid voice that kept telling her she wasn't enough, that she never would be, that she was either a slut and a whore or a frigid bitch. Either way, this or that, and she still wasn't good enough for him, she still didn't deserve him, no matter that she loved him so much it took her breath away.

She glanced at Hawk, and he smiled at her, looking at her like she was the most amazing thing in the whole fucking universe, as if he didn't know that she was worthless. And falling into his vast, blue eyes, Sky could almost believe that too, even for a short moment.

"Don't say nothing to me, Ginger–" Sensei Lawrence's annoyed voice brought Sky back to the planet Earth. "What is it you're not telling me?"

Sky ripped her glance off of Hawk and gave an uneasy sigh turning to face Sensei Lawrence.

"It's just that..." there just wasn't an easy way to say this, was there? Best just to get it out, like ripping off a band-aid. "I can't fight in the tournament."

"What?!" Sensei's loud voice echoed in the dojo, alerting everyone. "What crap are you feeding me?"

Sky felt her cheeks heating in embarrassment. "I'm not good enough."

"Yes, you are."

"My shoulder is still a piece of shit—"

"It hasn't bothered you in weeks."

"I'll just fall back to doing capoeira and that's not gonna give me any points. I might even get disqualified—"

"That's bullshit," Sensei Lawrence said, his eyes narrowing. He was pointing a finger at Sky's face - something that made her even more uncomfortable. "I don't know why you're making up these pathetic excuses—"

"They are not excuses!" Sky felt tears burning in her eyes, but fuck it, she was not going to cry! Not in here, not in front of her Sensei. "I just... I can't do it."

A small silence followed her outburst and Sensei clearly noticed her tears, no matter how much she tried to suck them in. Something softened in his eyes, in the line of his jaw - he wasn't a mean man, and even if he was hard on them, he was kind of old school too - he didn't like to see girls cry.

"Let's have a little chat," Sensei said, tilting his head towards his office. "Hawk, you warm up the Cobras."

It was only then that Sky noticed Hawk had walked over and was standing next to her. His worried gaze flickered from her to Sensei Lawrence and back and he was clearly wondering if he should do as he was told, or if Sky needed him to come with her.

"But Sensei—" he said, only to be interrupted by Sensei Lawrence.

"You heard me, Hawk. Warm them up,"

Hawk swallowed his clear uneasiness and gave Sky a glance that told her all she needed to hear - that he would be there for her if she wanted him to be. Her heart swelled, it filled her ribcage. Whatever had she done to deserve his love? It would never cease to amaze her.

"It's fine," she said, touching him lightly on his arm. "Go on already".

Hawk turned towards Sensei and gave him a sharp bow, before walking to the front of the mat and taking command as if he was born to do so.

Something switched and turned in Sky's heart at that sight - at Hawk, as he began to shout sharp commands, and everyone followed his lead without a question. Sky couldn't quite name her emotion - maybe it was pride, maybe longing for something that was gone forever.

She turned her back on the dojo and followed Sensei Lawrence into his office.

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