People always wonder what love feels like. To be honest, you feel this thing in your chest and you know that if something ever happens to that person you'd die. Not literally, obviously. But love is indescribable. So that's the best description of it that you're gonna get from me.

People say if you love them enough, you'll let them go. If you're a fucked up person, you'll let the other person go, at least until you sort yourself out. You want them to meet the best possible version of you but sometimes they've already met the worst side of you. You let your other half go when you feel that feeling inside of you.

Now, I get that it probably doesn't make much sense. To shorten it, if you love someone so much, you'll let them go for no good reason at all.

Now I don't believe in that, but I believe in letting them go to focus on yourself.

That's what I did. I let him go because of a fucking feeling. Along with other many reasons. Now, I'm not talking about Jordan here because I didn't choose to let him go. Sebastian made that choice for me but I can't blame anybody but myself.

Here I am sat in my hotel room with a champagne bottle next to me, drowning myself in my sorrows. A song sounded loudly through the room. I threw myself back on my bed, realising how much these lyrics relate to me.

I quietly sang along. "I know you won't forgive me and you probably don't believe me. But this isn't easy. No, this isn't easy."

He won't forgive me. None of them will. Neither will Jordan believe me. He knows about my fake death and fake identity. He knows. He's not talking to me now either. He's holed up in his room next door, probably planning my death. I doubt it though, he's too nice to kill me. Dom and Sebastian aren't willing to forgive me and neither will Vin once he finds out.

But they don't understand that none of this has been easy for me. It wasn't easy leaving them all behind.

You're all probably bored of hearing me say the same thing over and over again but no matter how many times I say it, they won't believe me. I need them to believe me.

Why am I drinking champagne and not something harsher? Like vodka or scotch? What if I just drank myself to my death? Putting my innocent liver through all that pain is the only thing stopping me from not drowning myself in alcohol.

My phone suddenly rang. I stopped the music and answered the call, putting the caller on loudspeaker as I threw the phone next to me on my bed.

"Liliana," Valentina spoke sadly through the phone.

"I know," I sighed out. "I've fucked things up for you, haven't I?"

"No, you haven't. Maybe seeing you is what he needed to call off the wedding?"

"So he's called it off?"

"No."

"Then why'd you say it like that?"

"Listen, I know you and I know right now, you're getting drunk. Instead of getting drunk, how about you do something? Make it up to Jordan? Get your friends back and then you can get your man back."

"Sebastian doesn't want me," I scoffed out. "Imagine not wanting me."

"And you're drunk," she confirmed. "Just great."

"I'm not there yet but I'm trying to," I said.

"Just hang in there. You'll be fine. You always come out on top. Give it time," she advised me.

"I fucked things up by coming here. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen," I said, my bottom lip wavering as I was on the verge of tears.

"No, you didn't," she began, letting out a sigh. "The truth was bound to come out. We should've known that the truth always finds a way out, one way or the other."

"Since when did you get so wise?," I asked, sniffling. She didn't answer but I could imagine her giving me a small sad smile. "Jordan won't talk to me ever again. He helped me rebuild my life without even knowing he was doing it."

"He will," she said softly.

"Let me guess, just give it time?," I guessed before she could get it another word. She let out a light chuckle.

"Exactly," she confirmed. "He just needs to get his head around the whole thing. You know, it's a lot and Sebastian didn't make it any easier."

"Yeah, I guess," I mumbled. "Anyways, I gotta go. I have some sad songs to cry to so goodbye." I cut the call and replayed my music.

When I'm sad, I despise happy people so I won't listen to happy songs or watch happy movies. I go for the sad ones. Some people watch sad movies to feel even worse but I listen to sad songs because I relate to them and as an added bonus, it just makes me feel way worse than I did before.

And I want to feel worse.

"I swear it's like I'm grieving like a part of me is leaving and I can't forgive me and I hope you believe me," I quietly sang along.

That's exactly how I feel. I can't forgive myself for what I've done but I want to believe that Sebastian will believe me but I'm afraid he won't.

A knock sounded on my door before I yelled for them to come in, thinking it's probably room service. "Hey," Jordan said awkwardly. Without missing a beat, I sat up and stopped the music.

"H-Hey?," I said questioningly. I didn't think he'd want to talk to me so soon.

"We need to talk," he began. I nodded my head and gestured for him to sit on my bed. He slowly came towards me but sat so close to the edge his ass was hanging off.

Is he afraid of me?

"Jordan, I'm so sorry," I began. "I never wanted you to find out like that-."

"Were you even gonna tell me?," he asked, cutting me off. My tongue flicked over my lips as I thought of an answer.

"Honestly?," I asked. He slowly nodded his head. "No. Because I left for a reason. I didn't want that life to follow me."

"But you made your way back to that life again."

He stood up.

"I-I think," he began slowly before pausing to think of how to word his next sentence. "I think we should take a step back from this friendship."

"What? I'm still me," I rushed out, knowing that a step back could mean that I lose him forever.

But I know I've already lost him.

"I thought I knew who you were but now I have no idea who you are," he shrugged in disbelief. I jumped up from the bed and ran after him as he began walking towards the door.

"Jordan please!," I exclaimed, blocking the door. "Lets talk it out. I'll tell you everything, please, I promise!"

Obviously, I can't tell him everything. Him knowing that I'm apart of the mafia puts the whole mafia world in danger.

He shook his head slowly. "You'll just come out with lies. I know you won't tell me everything. I'm a huge liability, right? Someone's gonna have to get rid of me."

"I won't let them," I promised him. "Jorda-."

"Elena, Liliana or whatever name you're going by now, I suggest you get out of my way."

"I'll let you go but you have to promise me that we'll talk. Okay? You can't just forget about me and never talk to me again."

Breaks and step backs are like that. Couples go on breaks and then never get back together or even talk after that. But we're not a couple and this is a step back, not a break.

But they're literally the same thing.

"Elena, you're a criminal. You're a fucking murderer! What makes you think I won't go to the police or the FBI about you?"

Telling me you're gonna go there is stupid, it's almost as if you want to be killed.

"You wouldn't dare," I said with wide eyes, knowing that I can't take that threat lightly even if I believe deep down he won't do it.

"Get out of my way," he demanded, ignoring what I said. Slowly I moved and allowed him to leave.

I know my friendship with Jordan is over. I know that. We can't go back. Sebastian told him because he wanted to hurt me. He succeeded because now I might have to be the one to shut him up. And by that I mean I'll have to shut him up forever.

It's all fucked up.

And now, this problem will most likely end in a body bag.

~

🤍