mention of suicidal thoughts, drug abuse, and overdose ahead

KIMBERLY

So fucking much.

I don't know how long it's been since I took the pill, which Miles informed me was laced with something stronger than I was used to, but I could definitely feel it.

It felt like nothingness, in the best way possible.

A permanent giddy smile was stretched across my face as I swayed to the music. I felt arms around me, but I couldn't tell who it was through my blurry vision.

But I didn't care.

Not one bit.

The lights were spinning around me, flashing through my line of vision. Or was I spinning?

I laughed harder than I have in a while.

I wanted to be this happy all the time.

The hands that were roaming my body were suddenly ripped away, making me stumble towards the ground. Before I could faceplant, another pair of more familiar hands grabbed onto my waist.

"Don't fucking touch her," the man with the nice hands growled. He didn't bother waiting to hear the other guy's response before carrying me out of the club.

Hey, where the fuck is this guy taking me?

I opened my mouth to ask the question, but all that came out was "Mmnhf?"

In a matter of seconds, I was in a car, but my eyes wouldn't stay open.

This is how I die... I can feel it. But I didn't care.

I haven't cared about my life for a while.

It didn't take long for the car to stop driving before I was hoisted into those arms again and taken inside a house. If it weren't for the familiar surroundings and hands, I would be very alarmed right now. Well, as alarmed as someone in this state could be.

I was placed onto a bed, the cotton sheets covering the lower half of my body as I leaned against the headboard.

"Drink." A cool glass hit my lips. I greedily drank the contents, feeling completely parched. "What the fuck, Kimberly?"

I knew that voice.

With great concentration, my eyes focused onto the person before me.

Jace.

If I wasn't so completely out of it, I would've cursed him out. But I had no control of my mouth. "My lips are red. Do you wanna kiss?"

"You're fucking kidding me," he cursed. "What did you take?"

"Happy pills," I laughed, stray tears streaming down my face. "I just want to be happy, Jace. Don't you? Hmm... we should kiss. That might make you happy." I inched forward.

"Not while you're like this," he muttered.

"Like what?" I smiled widely. My cheeks hurt from how far they were stretching, but the hot tears never stopped. "Happy? Why the fuck does no one care if I'm happy or not?"

"Stop it, Venus. This isn't happiness."

How do I tell him that this is the only time I feel happy? The only time I feel okay. The only time I didn't wish I was run over by a fucking car. The only time I didn't wish that I was just gone.

I could feel my body giving out as I lay my head against the pillow.

The bedsheets were adjusted to cover my full body before I heard the lights click off.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen."

Me neither.

♕♕♕

I don't know how many days—or rather, nights—it's been since that morning, but I was too lucid to care.

This was better, I tried convincing myself. Anything was better than constantly being reminded that every little thing that made me happy in my life would be ripped away sooner rather than later.

Why did I bother going on? It's not like I was doing anything with myself anymore.

I was a shell of the person I used to be... I don't even remember her anymore. The Kimberly who was so resilient against all the shit life decided was fun to throw at her. I missed her so fucking much, knowing she would be vastly disappointed in the sorry excuse for a human being that I turned into.

The uber driver was groaning under me as he attempted to carry me to the front door of the townhouse. He moved forward to ring the doorbell.

I wanted to tell him to stop. Stop because I didn't want to see the face that was bound to open the door.

Stop... please.

But I couldn't.

The door opened to show the face of the man I've been avoiding for who knows how long. He was holding a phone up to his ear, dressed in casual clothing.

He must've just woken up from bed to deal with me.

How long could I keep going as an inconvenience to everyone?

"I gotta go. She came back home," he said. I knew the 'she' in question was me, but I had no idea who was on the other end.

"I don't get paid enough for this," the uber driver muttered, trying to hand me over.

I didn't want him to touch me, scared it would melt my resolve. So, like a madwoman mixed with the gracefulness of a fawn, I entered the house, watching Jace hand the driver a fifty for his 'troubles'.

That was more than double the fair, but the man walked away happily.

I attempted to walk myself to my room, but the wobbling was too intense. I tripped over my own feet, falling to the ground. Before my head could hit the floor, I was cradled, the soft material of sweatpants touching my cheek.

Jace was settled on the floor, under me, holding my head in his lap.

And I start crying with one thought in my mind.

I want it all to be over.

♕♕♕

For the first time in my life, Dad was probably desperate for me to revert back to drinking.

I didn't blame him. In the last month, I reverted back to the Kimberly who ended up in the hospital because she didn't know what control was.

This time around, I knew I'd be able to stop. There was just no part of me that wanted to.

The last month was a blur of memories, considering I was too blasted to remember anything. Vivian and Ashton called multiple times during the past few weeks, but I never answered. I didn't want to hear the disappointment in their voices.

But, more importantly, I didn't want them to see me like this.

See the person I promised I wouldn't be anymore.

All I do is break promises.

They tried coming over multiple times, but I never answered the door. It's one thing to hear the disappointment, but I wouldn't be able to fathom seeing it written all over their face.

So, for the past month, I've either been in the townhouse, sleeping and drinking, or at another club, getting high out of my mind. It was now the start of October, a fact that the weather did not fully understand, but I haven't had any other human contact since Dafina came by last week.

Dafina, who I had the pleasure of meeting my first week here, was the housekeeper and cook who came by once a week. Since Jace spent most of his time in the office, he used to come home and fix himself something small, according to her.

Effie, with her strong maternal instincts, offered to have Dafina take care of the cooking and cleaning while Jace was at work.

Back in Valdonia, Dafina worked for Effie's family, which is how the two know each other. The older lady loves Effie like a daughter, so when Effie moved to America, Dafina came with her to help with any homesickness.

Thankfully so, because she had a skill that I lacked tremendously: the ability to cook. If it weren't for her, I'd either not be eating or solely relying on take out to get through the days.

It was pretty late, considering the last vestiges of sunset lit up the night sky, but I only woke up about an hour ago. I got home pretty late—or early depending on how you look at it—last night/morning and completely passed out.

I was almost completely sure that I fell asleep on the couch, but I ended up waking up in my bed. There was only one person who was capable of carrying my drunk body like it was nothing, but I didn't want to think about him.

Vivian and Ashton weren't the only people I was avoiding for the past month. My husband was also on that list. It was more difficult—considering we lived together—to hide from him, but I would go out before he left the office and call an uber back when I was sure he'd be asleep.

If by some chance, we were up at the same time, I'd go back up to my room and shut the door until I was sure he was gone.

It was petty, but then again, I am petty.

Plus, I didn't know how to act around him. I didn't trust myself to be around him when I was inebriated considering how I practically begged him to kiss me.

Then, there was that other night...

I hated myself for being attracted to him, even with the betrayal. It was embarrassing.

It wasn't even his fault, but I couldn't look him in the eye, knowing that he would get what I always wanted. Get what was supposed to be mine.

There was a part of me that felt obligated to thank him for carrying me to my room on the multiple occasions that I either fell asleep on the couch or floor and ended up in bed and the fact that I haven't read a single tabloid about me.

When I first started using again, one of my hesitations came from the thought of having to see those tabloid headlines again.

'NYC HEIRESS IS BACK AT IT'

'KIMBERLY HOT-MESS ASTOR IS USING DRUGS?'

'TOP 10 TRAINWRECKS WAITING TO HAPPEN'

The last one was courtesy of Bentley Finch, but there was nothing now.

Literally nothing.

Granted, I was more careful with where I was going and avoided the clubs that people expected me to be at, but there was no such thing as peace in my life.

But I wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth.

So, heading into the kitchen, I heated myself some heavenly leftovers—courtesy of Dafina—and decided to sit in the living room to watch some TV. I still had some time before Jace would be coming back home, so I didn't need to be worried about running into him.

Mindlessly, I started eating the food before my mind processed the words that played on the news channel.

"Jace Kingston, CEO of Kingston Industries, has just been announced as the official CEO of Astor & Co. following Liam Astor's resignation. The position that was once expected to be filled by Kimberly Astor has gone to her husband instead," the reporter announced. "Let's take a look at the live press conference."

Not a moment later, my husband's face filled the screen. This was my first time actually looking at him in a month, but I couldn't hear a single word coming out of his mouth.

Shooting up from the couch, I backed away in disbelief. I knew this was going to happen, but not a single part of me was ready to hear the confirmation.

For the last month, I was hoping that something would change and everything that happened the day after the wedding would be a fever dream, but it wasn't.

I backed into the glass lamp sitting on the table beside the couch, knocking it down to the ground. The shattering of the glass filled the empty house and I tripped, landing onto the broken shards.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Tears lined my eyes as I hastily stood up, and brushed away the shards, ignoring the little cuts made into my palm.

All I could focus on right now was not having another panic attack.

I needed to get out of here. I needed to breathe. I needed to forget.

♕♕♕

The line of powder disappeared into my nose faster than I could realize what I was doing.

I don't remember the last time I snorted cocaine, but I recognized the rush anywhere. Deep down, I knew I shouldn't have been mixing so many drugs into my system. It was what got me to the hospital in the first place.

I couldn't find it in me to care anymore.

I didn't want to cry or wallow in self-pity. For fuck's sake, that was the last thing I wanted to do.

So, I turned to the one companion who could always make me forget all my problems.

He wasn't here anymore, so this was the next best thing. The closest thing to feeling a fraction of what he made me felt.

The reaction was almost instantaneous and my heart rate spiked until I could hear it pounding in my ears. The flashing lights of the club blinded me for a second while everything around me slowed down.

I couldn't tell if it was them who slowed down or me who sped up.

Blood was rushing to my ears and I couldn't hear the loud music that everyone was dancing to, but I joined in, relying on everyone's movements and the vibrations going up my leg.

My right leg was still in pain as I didn't bother covering the cuts the glass made, but with all the shit in my system, I could barely feel the pain.

I could barely feel anything.

My head started pounding and I knew I needed to sit. I moved towards the booth, barely making it before falling to the ground.

A pair of hands started shaking me, but I could barely keep my eyes open.

Blackness clouded my vision, giving me a sense of peace I haven't had in forever.

♕♕♕

"Ow," I muttered, opening my eyes.

When did I get here?

I was back on my bed, my eyes adjusting to the shift in light. I wish they hadn't because I caught sight of Jace, frowning at how disheveled I was. My only indication that it was the same night is how he was still wearing the same clothes from the press conference.

The press conference...

I moved away, my back hitting the headboard. My hand came up to rub the spot on my chest that was in immense pain. "Did you just—"

"Shut the fuck up, Kimberly," he gritted through his teeth.

Something about his tone made me feel guilty. This was exactly what I was trying to avoid.

Guilt. Disappointment. Shame.

"Are you even fucking aware of what just happened?" He took my silence as an invitation to continue. "I come home to see the TV still on, a shattered lamp, and a fucking missing wife. Then, I proceed to call your phone over twenty fucking times. Imagine how I felt when, on the twenty-first call, someone tells me you passed out in a club on the other side of the city."

"I'm so—" I stopped myself. Because I wasn't fucking sorry. "Did you even think about how I felt? How much it fucking sucked to hear the reporters say that 'I approved of this transition'? To hear someone else get what I spent my entire life working towards? You don't understand jackshit about my life or what I've been through. I lost the one thing that kept me going for so long. Imagine that."

Jace groaned, running his hand down his face. "I didn't have any control over that. But don't turn this around like that. Look at yourself, Kimberly."

He gestured to my appearance and current state. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Do you—for one second—think that this is right?" he yelled, shaking with anger. "You've spent every single day of the past month getting high or drunk or whatever you do in these fucking clubs while everyone who cares about you is worried out of their minds. Do you know how many times I got calls from Vivian or anyone in your family in the middle of the night asking if you were safe or okay? Do you know how many fucking times I had to lie because you weren't fucking home yet?"

"Even your dad came to my office, not as an angry businessman, but as a worried father. So, don't fucking act like this is a good or normal coping mechanism." He stopped talking, placing his head into both his hands.

The tears I tried so hard to hold back were now running down my face in silent streams.

I didn't mean for this. I just wanted to be okay.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

"I'm sorry... I'm so fucking sorry," he muttered from his hands. "I didn't mean to blindside with the entire CEO thing like that, but this isn't fair, Kimberly. Not to you or anyone else who gives a shit about you."

Neither of us talked for the next few minutes. We just sat on my bed, him with his head down and me with tears falling.

Memories from my overdose and what my family went through played through my mind like a broken record. I loved them more than anything, but remembering what I put them through was devastating.

Their pained faces... their tears...

Guilt wasn't a good motivator, but I needed some type of jumpstart.

I needed to uphold at least one of my promises.

"I'll try." I didn't expect him to hear me given how quietly I spoke, but somehow he did. "I can't make any promises or quit by tomorrow, but I'll try."

I didn't know where that was coming from, but I just knew that the last thing I wanted was for him to be mad at me. I wouldn't be able to handle the next two years like this, so the only way out was through.

Uncertainty passed through me at the thought of trying to be sober. I'd been drinking for so long that I couldn't imagine my life without it.

God, that sounds so fucked up.

"That's all I wanted to hear," he finally replied, looking up, eyes softening at my tear-streaked face. "I saw blood on the glass. Let me see your legs."

"It's fine," my voice came out weak. "I'm okay."

"I'm not asking." He gently tugged my legs out from under the sheets, his breath hitching at the dried blood. "You went out like this? Do you know what could've happened?"

"Please spare me from another lecture," I groaned. "I feel dead right now."

He actually listened to me and stayed quiet. Jace placed my legs back on the bed and left my room, only to return with a wet towel and first-aid kit. Cradling my leg like it was a baby, he cleaned the blood off gently with the towel.

I couldn't help but wince and hiss when he started cleaning the wounds with alcohol, but he held my leg steady despite how hard I started thrashing.

He proceeded to open the box and take out bandages and antiseptic cream for the bigger cuts. I didn't realize how badly I was craving his touch until he was actually here. With the earlier steps, we had the towel and cotton ball separating us, but now that he was putting the antiseptic on my wounds, I hyper-fixated on every action.

Every touch.

Every release of air as he blew on the wounds.

My eyes lolled back at the feeling as I chastised myself. Now was so not the time, Kimberly.

I needed to distract myself. "I'll buy you another lamp."

He didn't respond, and I thought he didn't hear me, so I opened my mouth to repeat.

"Shut up," he grumbled. "I don't give a fuck about the lamp, Kimberly."

A shiver ran down my spine at the way he said my name with such emphasis. I needed a distraction, not this.

"Someone once said 'let there be light' or something. You can't have light without a lamp." Pure bullshit was coming out of my mouth, but I had no idea what else to say.

The look Jace shot at me was enough to show that he also was perplexed at what I was trying to get out, but he thankfully changed the subject. "Do you need to go to the hospital?"

"The cuts aren't that bad," I replied, looking down at my legs.

"Not for the cuts, Kimberly," Jace deadpanned.

Oh.

"I'll be fine," I replied.

"I don't know what was in your system, but you completely passed out. I had to rub my knuckles against your sternum to wake you up." So that explains the pain...